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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How on earth does my DP know?

333 replies

CJCC · 11/11/2021 10:49

I have several male friends, they are just friends, nothing sexual has ever happened between us and I dont see them being any different to a female friend. My DP has always had an opinion on this, he thinks men who want to be friends with a woman are just biding their time to pounce basically.
I speak to 2 of these friends regularly on fb, conversations are completely 'normal' we don't flirt etc we are genuinely just friends.

Here's the weird part, everytime I speak to one of these friends my DP always makes comment about have I been talking to my other boyfriends or making jokes about who have I been texting. He's always done this and I put it down to him just being a dick sometimes but its taken me a while to connect the fact that he always says these things when I have infact had a conversation with one of them and we dont speak daily, sometimes it's a month or 2 so it can't just be luck. It's honestly like he knows but how could he unless he'd seen the messages?

I had a convo with one yesterday and my DP came home from work and made jokes about who have I been talking to and asking if I'd been talking to my other boyfriend and he couldn't have even looked at my phone so is he just bloody psychic!?

About a year ago some man I wasn't even friends with messaged me and it went into message requests so I didn't even see it. DP had a go at me for messaging other men and I was massively confused as I hadn't even seen the message. When I saw it and figured out what he meant I asked if he'd been looking at my fb from my iPad and he denied it, but I'd had my phone with me so it was the only way he could have seen. I deleted fb from my iPad after that so the only way he could access it is my phone now.

Do you think something is going on or am I crazy??

OP posts:
Tomeeornottomee · 12/11/2021 15:08

When I say booted I mean out the door..

Balonziaga · 12/11/2021 15:11

What a pig.

Just to echo what others have said, the key thing to remember here is that this is hardly ever isolated behaviour. Almost always, spying is part of a wider, sinister picture that will escalate - potentially to dangerous levels of control. Please keep that in mind as the shock of it all starts to fade.

Depending on how you want to plan your exit - it might be worth making a throwaway comment about changing your password because you'd got some weird popup about your account being compromised - not sure exactly the best way to word it, but if you want to make sure he doesn't know you are on to him.

Not sure if that's the right way to go, but please reread my first paragraph because that is one hundred percent the way it is.

GreyPaw · 12/11/2021 15:15

Just a note of caution - as others have said, changing passwords could lead to escalation. How about setting up a decoy Facebook account so you can safely talk to people without him seeing, while allowing him to think he still has insight. Might help you manage risk while you work out a way to safely leave. Obviously be prepared for stalking when you do end things.

ThirdElephant · 12/11/2021 15:21

Just goes to show, you should always trust your instincts.

Fernando072020 · 12/11/2021 15:23

What a creep. Well done for making plans to leave. His behaviour is vile.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2021 15:31

@Balonziaga

What a pig.

Just to echo what others have said, the key thing to remember here is that this is hardly ever isolated behaviour. Almost always, spying is part of a wider, sinister picture that will escalate - potentially to dangerous levels of control. Please keep that in mind as the shock of it all starts to fade.

Depending on how you want to plan your exit - it might be worth making a throwaway comment about changing your password because you'd got some weird popup about your account being compromised - not sure exactly the best way to word it, but if you want to make sure he doesn't know you are on to him.

Not sure if that's the right way to go, but please reread my first paragraph because that is one hundred percent the way it is.

This is important. You either need to leave very quickly, or be very careful about how much you do. Do you have an independent computer shop anywhere near who can check all your devices for spyware, key loggers and similar?

But for now, I'd pretend you have a phishing attempt and that's why you've changed passwords.

He must have been checking every evening to know every time. That's very obsessed.

Tilltheend99 · 12/11/2021 15:42

Creep factor turned up to 11.

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2021 16:08

@Slink01

Op it is clear I am not allowed to have an opinion due to my incorrect gender so I wish you all the best, please look after yourself and don't let this guy control you or continue to treat you badly.
Sex...
Nanny0gg · 12/11/2021 16:09

@CJCC

So I've got my answer, I checked under my settings and cleared all my log ins, but left the tablet as I usually do. And this morning i checked my log ins again and it says I was logged in on my tablet on both fb and messenger after I went to bed last night. So he must be just downloading the messenger app then deleting it. I haven't checked if it just logs me in on the browser so he could be doing it that way but either way I know for sure now. Hopefully the only positive thing about this is that if he's doing it that way I can be fairly confident he hasn't put spyware on my phone.

Although I knew it deep down, I feel sick now. I don't delete anything off my fb so I have conversations on there all the way back to when I first got fb, old convo's with ex's from years ago, private chats between friends, god knows what he could have read.

I will change passwords and log out of my tablet tonight to stop him doing it.

Our relationship isn't great and I know I need to leave, I just need to figure out a plan.

Good luck OP.

It's good you know now,

HoneyBeeHappy · 12/11/2021 16:21

But for now, I'd pretend you have a phishing attempt and that's why you've changed passwords. I wouldn’t tell him anything. There’s no need. The only way it will come to his attention is when he tries to log in. And if he can’t then he will need to admit to the OP what he’s been doing.

I would change passwords and just act as if there’s nothing wrong. He’s not going to be able to say or do anything without exposing himself here so it’s unlikely he’ll say anything. It’ll just kill him inside. Grin.

SpeckledlyHen · 12/11/2021 16:25

@Slink01

"As a man I can tell you it is absolutely normal and OK for you to have male friends and just because a male wants to be friends with you doesn't mean that they want to have anything more than a friendship with you. I do empathise with your partner to an extent as men are naturally protective with partners (which is OK in a healthy way but I have often seen some of my male friends take it too far) I personally think your partner needs to understand that it's OK to have male friends and it not be anything more than that, just like I have more friends who are female and no desire for them to be anything more"

This is mansplaining though.. it is not an opinion as you keep stating. Telling us what we already know because of your gender makes it mansplaining. We all KNOW that it is perfectly normal and OK to have friends of the opposite sex in a normal and healthy relationship. Even the OP knows this as she actually has some male friends.

The OP's query was how did her DP know when she was talking to these friends, she did not ask whether it was normal and ok to have male friends or even query that she has some.

To clarify she did not ask the question whether it was normal and ok to have male friends. She did not ask advice on opinion on this. You, however waded in with an answer to a question she did not ask. The definition of that is mansplaining. There is a lovely chart somewhere I saw recently regards what is mansplaining, the first question is "did she ask you to explain it" if the answer is no and you go on to explain it that is mansplaining.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/11/2021 16:27

Well said @SpeckledlyHen!

HKI83vcWA · 12/11/2021 17:01

Suggest you change your mumsnet password ASAP OP, and don't log into mumsnet or even read it on a shared device

It wouldn't take him long to spot this thread (i.e. in the browser hsitory) and associate it with you

stay safe

Hogwarts21 · 12/11/2021 17:12

Sorry OP for all the pain this must have caused you. All I can say is your DP is really quite dim.

How can he think you wouldn't guess eventually?

What an idiot. What a berk. Time to get rid. If you're going to be a sleuth, at least be a good one!

MadMadMadamMim · 12/11/2021 17:18

He's a creep. Get rid of him asap.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 12/11/2021 17:18

He has spyware on your phone. What a controlling tosser.

howmanyhats · 12/11/2021 17:32

To clarify she did not ask the question whether it was normal and ok to have male friends. She did not ask advice on opinion on this. You, however waded in with an answer to a question she did not ask. The definition of that is mansplaining. There is a lovely chart somewhere I saw recently regards what is mansplaining, the first question is "did she ask you to explain it" if the answer is no and you go on to explain it that is mansplaining.

This one? It's a great chart :)

How on earth does my DP know?
SpeckledlyHen · 12/11/2021 17:51

@howmanyhats

To clarify she did not ask the question whether it was normal and ok to have male friends. She did not ask advice on opinion on this. You, however waded in with an answer to a question she did not ask. The definition of that is mansplaining. There is a lovely chart somewhere I saw recently regards what is mansplaining, the first question is "did she ask you to explain it" if the answer is no and you go on to explain it that is mansplaining.

This one? It's a great chart :)

Thank you @howmanyhats that's the chart and I am going to download that and save it for future ref
JSL52 · 12/11/2021 17:59

You should tell him how obviously he's spying on you.

SpeckledlyHen · 12/11/2021 18:03

Op, I am so sorry this is happening to you, it is frankly weird, controlling and bizarre behaviour that is not normal in a healthy relationship. My suggestion would be to first cut off his source (as so many have pointed out) and change all your passwords and logins. Again, it is perfectly normal and healthy to do this from time to time.

This reminded me of a guy I worked for about 20 odd years ago. He set up a new business and me and a few other colleagues went with him for his start up. It sounded too good to be true. This was way back in the days before smart phones (we had old nokia ones then) and social media. He was spying/bugging us. He was a very (very) strange man. We started to notice, like you said in your OP that he would mention out of the blue stuff we had talked about, but this was not stuff we talked about in the office, this was perhaps in the pub, or in our car journeys on the way home. He simply knew too much at the right time for it to be a coincidence. It was quite terrifying looking back. We set him up a bit to test the theory.. I can't remember the detail but something like a discussion along the lines of "did you see that elephant walking across the green the other day, apparently it was from a circus, it was an amazing sight". There was no elephant, no circus and no green. However, the next day he mentioned it.. to this day I don't know whether he bugged my phone (provided by him) or my car (provided by him). I resigned immediately and never looked back apart to shudder occasionally.

RUN!

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 12/11/2021 20:27

Send yourself a message on fb messenger 'dear dh, I've seen you've been logging into my messenger and reading my private pms, I hope it was worth the relationship' dump and move on.

airforsharon · 12/11/2021 21:44

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

Send yourself a message on fb messenger 'dear dh, I've seen you've been logging into my messenger and reading my private pms, I hope it was worth the relationship' dump and move on.
I wouldn't recommend this. His behaviour is not normal, and you can't be sure how he would react to that. Don't poke the wasps nest. Get organised, tell a trusted friend of family member so you have support, and leave asap. Good luck OP
whynotwhatknot · 12/11/2021 23:43

awful and gaslighting you and dening hes spying you after you asked him

as they say get your ducks in a row

Thwackit · 13/11/2021 00:27

That’s awful, OP. It’s an appalling intrusion into your privacy. The sneaky lying and checking up / nasty little jealous comments would be a deal breaker for me but I think that when you do end it you need to confront him about it and tell him how beyond the pale it is for him to be routinely reading your messages as if he’s entitled to access them and police your interactions with other men. Makes my skin crawl a bit,

Suzanne999 · 13/11/2021 00:41

Your last sentence says it all. Make that plan, take your time to plan well.
I had to do this years ago to escape from an abusive relationship. It took time and patience ( when I really wanted just to hit him over the head and tell him to eff off out of my life) It was worth it, he never found me.
Good luck.