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Original poster

How on earth does my DP know?

333 replies

CJCC · 11/11/2021 10:49

I have several male friends, they are just friends, nothing sexual has ever happened between us and I dont see them being any different to a female friend. My DP has always had an opinion on this, he thinks men who want to be friends with a woman are just biding their time to pounce basically.
I speak to 2 of these friends regularly on fb, conversations are completely 'normal' we don't flirt etc we are genuinely just friends.

Here's the weird part, everytime I speak to one of these friends my DP always makes comment about have I been talking to my other boyfriends or making jokes about who have I been texting. He's always done this and I put it down to him just being a dick sometimes but its taken me a while to connect the fact that he always says these things when I have infact had a conversation with one of them and we dont speak daily, sometimes it's a month or 2 so it can't just be luck. It's honestly like he knows but how could he unless he'd seen the messages?

I had a convo with one yesterday and my DP came home from work and made jokes about who have I been talking to and asking if I'd been talking to my other boyfriend and he couldn't have even looked at my phone so is he just bloody psychic!?

About a year ago some man I wasn't even friends with messaged me and it went into message requests so I didn't even see it. DP had a go at me for messaging other men and I was massively confused as I hadn't even seen the message. When I saw it and figured out what he meant I asked if he'd been looking at my fb from my iPad and he denied it, but I'd had my phone with me so it was the only way he could have seen. I deleted fb from my iPad after that so the only way he could access it is my phone now.

Do you think something is going on or am I crazy??

OP posts:
Mamamamasaurus · 11/11/2021 11:12

Mind games, that's what it is. He knows and makes sure that you know that he knows. I don't see it ending well

theremustonlybeone · 11/11/2021 11:13

Eugh your DP is snopping on you...he would be my ex

Skeumorph · 11/11/2021 11:13

Um, he's very obviously spying on you, and from his constant bullshit controlling comments on who you speak to and what you do, it's surely no surprise?

Change passwords.
Dump the creepy controlling shit
Have a better life.

Easy three step process!

blissfulllife · 11/11/2021 11:13

Also op if you've deleted fb from your iPad he could be reloading it from the AppStore and it could be still logged in so change password obviously and logout if all devices.

WakeUpLockie · 11/11/2021 11:14

Maybe your devices are synced to one of his devices? I can see DH's whatsapp and imessages on this laptop if I want to as we share an icloud.

Etinoxaurus · 11/11/2021 11:14

How enmeshed are you? Living together, tenancy, mortgage pets or kids?
🚩 > ⛰

User310 · 11/11/2021 11:17

You can link apple devices. Has he also got an apple phone? You would have to sign out if apple to make sure and also turn off apple family sharing.. I caught an ex cheating this way. It popped up on my MacBook messages, didn’t even know they were connected!!

TracyLords · 11/11/2021 11:19

He’s spying on you.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone so controlling and who invades your privacy?

SpookyPumpkinPants · 11/11/2021 11:19

He's also not very bright. Second good reason to leave him.

Bookworm20 · 11/11/2021 11:22

I think he must be logging into your facebook somewhere.

As an aside though, why are you privately messaging men on FB if your DP is this uncomfortable with it? Maybe address that issue with him. has he met these male friends or are they totally seperate from him? Not saying you can't have male friends, thats ridiculous and spying on you is not on.
Maybe introduce him to the male friends so he doesn't feel so paranoid?

I think if my DP was messaging other women 'friends' but not introducing me or keeping me separate from them, i'd start to feel a bit paranoid too. Especially if he wasn't open with what was being messaged.

Don't let on to him though that you think he may be spying on your messages. Investigate that further, but I do think you need to look at allaying his fears over these men pouncing on you. You are not responsible for his insecurity around this, but you are responsible if you are doing something that is causing it or increasing it.

ShinyHappyPoster · 11/11/2021 11:25

Are you sure that you don't just notice his comments when you've spoken to someone? Maybe he's commenting all the time but you ignore them unless it coincides with you speaking to a male friend.

Or yy as PPs have said, he's logged into your accounts.

Guavaf1sh · 11/11/2021 11:25

Test him by sending messages on very specific days and not others and then seeing what happens

supremelybaffled · 11/11/2021 11:26

he thinks men who want to be friends with a woman are just biding their time to pounce basically

That says far more about him and his attitude towards women than it does about other men.

By the way, if he has indeed installed spyware on your device, he might be able to find and read this thread.

Original poster
CJCC · 11/11/2021 11:26

We don't share an email, he does know some of my passwords as we made an account for something else and I joked about using the same passwords for most things but my fb password is different and as far as I know he doesnt know it.
I've checked and I'm only logged into my phone and the ipad.
What I meant to say regarding the ipad is that I deleted the messenger app, I am still logged onto fb on it but not messenger so he can't read the messages. But I suppose he could just download and delete the messenger app on my ipad as and when he wanted to like someone said. He stays up later than me every night with my iPad in the room with him. I don't want to believe he is spying on me but he must be!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 11/11/2021 11:26

As an aside though, why are you privately messaging men on FB if your DP is this uncomfortable with it? Maybe address that issue with him. has he met these male friends or are they totally seperate from him? Not saying you can't have male friends, thats ridiculous and spying on you is not on.
Maybe introduce him to the male friends so he doesn't feel so paranoid?

Yeah OP. Why are you talking to your friends who were around before your partner? Didn't you know you're not allowed friends of the opposite sex once you're in a relationship? Especially not without your partner vetting them first... Hmm

Flouts1 · 11/11/2021 11:27

He is probably getting your messages sent to his phone
I know on my iPhone I can set it up so that any messages go straight to my iPad so I can read them on my iPad as well
If he has a iPhone he can easily do that

OverweightPidgeon · 11/11/2021 11:28

He's probably also the stranger who messaged you - from a fake account

I think so too.

The op should be able to talk to whoever she wants, whether her partner has met them or not . Talk of him meeting them to make him less jealous wouldn’t work and ime would make him worse .

Flouts1 · 11/11/2021 11:29

If I really wanted to know I would get a burner phone send a message to myself from
An “ old school mate” who would love to catch up as he is travelling to yore city next week and see if he mentions it

LadyDanburysHat · 11/11/2021 11:29

He is definitely spying on you, and it is creepy as hell.

Flouts1 · 11/11/2021 11:31

Also if the iPad is linked to your phone I think that all the passwords on your phone will be on the iPad as well so he can just look for any passwords on your phone
I’m pretty sure mine is

Fernando072020 · 11/11/2021 11:33

Eurgh. This post has made me feel uncomfortable. He is checking your Facebook. It's easy to log in via the browser or redownload the app on the iPad and still have your details there.
Controlling, paranoid, and a nutjob. Change your password immediately.

Thelnebriati · 11/11/2021 11:35

Assume he is reading everything you post here.

Take control of your gadgets, starting with the Ipad. You need to do more than just change your passwords - and you need to do that from a clean gadget.

memphisdivorce.com/tennessee-divorce-law/how-a-divorcing-spouse-can-spy-on-you-using-your-iphone/

fromdownwest · 11/11/2021 11:35

@Skeumorph

Um, he's very obviously spying on you, and from his constant bullshit controlling comments on who you speak to and what you do, it's surely no surprise?

Change passwords.
Dump the creepy controlling shit
Have a better life.

Easy three step process!

This
Original poster
CJCC · 11/11/2021 11:36

Sorry to be confusing! My phone is an android and my ipad is a samsung tablet sorry I used to have an ipad and havent gotten out of the habit of calling it that! He has an iPhone so he couldn't have linked them.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 11/11/2021 11:37

@Bookworm20 go back to the 1600s where you belong.

@CJCC I'd get rid of him. This feels all kinds of wrong. I don't usually jump to LTB, but something is really off. The red flags are waving in front of you.