How on earth does my DP know?

[CJCC]

I have several male friends, they are just friends, nothing sexual has ever happened between us and I dont see them being any different to a female friend. My DP has always had an opinion on this, he thinks men who want to be friends with a woman are just biding their time to pounce basically.
I speak to 2 of these friends regularly on fb, conversations are completely 'normal' we don't flirt etc we are genuinely just friends.

Here's the weird part, everytime I speak to one of these friends my DP always makes comment about have I been talking to my other boyfriends or making jokes about who have I been texting. He's always done this and I put it down to him just being a dick sometimes but its taken me a while to connect the fact that he always says these things when I have infact had a conversation with one of them and we dont speak daily, sometimes it's a month or 2 so it can't just be luck. It's honestly like he knows but how could he unless he'd seen the messages?

I had a convo with one yesterday and my DP came home from work and made jokes about who have I been talking to and asking if I'd been talking to my other boyfriend and he couldn't have even looked at my phone so is he just bloody psychic!?

About a year ago some man I wasn't even friends with messaged me and it went into message requests so I didn't even see it. DP had a go at me for messaging other men and I was massively confused as I hadn't even seen the message. When I saw it and figured out what he meant I asked if he'd been looking at my fb from my iPad and he denied it, but I'd had my phone with me so it was the only way he could have seen. I deleted fb from my iPad after that so the only way he could access it is my phone now.

Do you think something is going on or am I crazy??

@MrsTerryPratchett

And there's a shit ton of great men on here.

You're not one of them.

OK hun, whatever you say, bye now

It could be less sinister if you share an iCloud you can see one another’s browsing history, calls, photos and i messages. DP and I have that prob and can’t seem to unravel if for fear of losing all our photos

Presumably all the other posters on the thread are women, but we don't know that because they haven't said.

Exactly! The "as a man" is what's objectionable. There's no reason for someone to bring it up unless they think it adds weight to their opinion.

We all know men who think it's fine for women to have male friends, because it's a completely normal thing. There's absolutely no need for AsAMan to give us his stamp of approval. Especially when AsAMan then goes on to reframe jealously as "protectiveness", which pretty much undermines his gracious opening gesture.

@TheLeadbetterLife

Presumably all the other posters on the thread are women, but we don't know that because they haven't said.

Exactly! The "as a man" is what's objectionable. There's no reason for someone to bring it up unless they think it adds weight to their opinion.

We all know men who think it's fine for women to have male friends, because it's a completely normal thing. There's absolutely no need for AsAMan to give us his stamp of approval. Especially when AsAMan then goes on to reframe jealously as "protectiveness", which pretty much undermines his gracious opening gesture.

The as a man part was to say men don't agree with this behaviour nor condone it, there is a level of people being protective (both males and females are) but what the OPs partner is doing is beyond that.

Quite frankly I've had enough with this thread now, you try to offer your opinion from a man's perspective supporting the OP and confirming that men do not find this behaviour acceptable and you are given shit for it. You can try make out my post is patronising, mansplaining, or somehow negative but i think the majority of people will have understood exactly what I meant.

Problem is some people will just find fault in anything someone does regardless of what good intentions that person had.

I'll leave you all to it, please don't @ me now you all win, I'm the patriarchy I'm evil etc etc

1. did you update your mobile, tablet, any other devices connected to your accounts at any stage and if so, what happened to the old one?

DD has two, with two sim cards/different mobile numbers and her home one she left behind on the kitchen bench. I could see messenger alerts coming up on the screen to her account, couldn't read what she was typing, but could read the other party's messages.

1. Our former neighbour was scrolling through his partner's social media accounts when she went off for a shower. I had previously told her I had messaged her which she claimed she never saw, but her profile pic def. moved down to the bottom of the message as they do once read. So that made sense.

I suspect she only found out the last time as the messages had become very heated and I picked that it wasn't her sending it, rather him. He would have been irritated by the time she got out of the shower.

1. Do you clear your screen time summary? The bit that says how many hours you spent looking at the device. If not, perhaps he is looking at that and assuming when you spent x amount more this week than last, you were messaging someone that wasn't him.

@MrsTerryPratchett @TheLeadbetterLife absolutely agree, it's tiresome to see the aggression these men bring when they are challenged. Apparently that makes me a feminist. Well I knew that already and that's not actually an insult

Coincidentally I read the whole of the random comment man thread in classics today, exactly the same derailing and aggression from self proclaimed "nice guys" there too.

Anyway OP I hope you're getting your head around everything, I'm quite concerned for you as his behaviour is so far off the mark here. Please take care

@TheLeadbetterLife

Presumably all the other posters on the thread are women, but we don't know that because they haven't said.

Exactly! The "as a man" is what's objectionable. There's no reason for someone to bring it up unless they think it adds weight to their opinion.

We all know men who think it's fine for women to have male friends, because it's a completely normal thing. There's absolutely no need for AsAMan to give us his stamp of approval. Especially when AsAMan then goes on to reframe jealously as "protectiveness", which pretty much undermines his gracious opening gesture.

Just what I was going to say. He could have added his comment without telling everybody he was a man, but then he would have just been one of the many agreeing with each other, and he needed us to know that his opinion (despite being exactly the same) needed to be given special attention.

The as a man part was to say men don't agree with this behaviour nor condone it, there is a level of people being protective (both males and females are) but what the OPs partner is doing is beyond that.

We all know that most men would not behave like that, which is why everyone is telling her it's not normal, and don't need a man to tell us that.

Just what I was going to say. He could have added his comment without telling everybody he was a man, but then he would have just been one of the many agreeing with each other, and he needed us to know that his opinion (despite being exactly the same) needed to be given special attention.

Exactly. What a bore these people are. me me me it is all about me even when giving advice to someone in distress.

If you log into FB from a browser instead of the app and make sure you pick "desktop site" you can see the messages and use messenger that way.

I have a Samsung. I'd log out of the tablet.

Back to the real world and what happened was a man posted his opinion from a man's perspective and a sad minority of supposed femisits jumped on him for being a man, they were the ones who derailed the original topic not me. Only on mumsnet do you find this level of stupidity, self righteousness and discrimination. Back to DadAF for me I think, clearly MN is just for toxic man haters and irrational new wave feminists

😂

Please explain how to be a “femisit” O wise one 🙄

Congrats on making this thread all about you , @Slink01… I bet you go around telling woman what a “nice guy” you are don’t you?
Such a cliche
Bye then 👋🏻

@Slink01

Op it is clear I am not allowed to have an opinion due to my incorrect gender so I wish you all the best, please look after yourself and don't let this guy control you or continue to treat you badly.

If you’d spent any time at all on MN, you’d know that prefacing your opinion with ‘man here’ or ‘as a man I think xyz’ is a particularly unpopular strategy. Just post your thoughts and have done with it. You don’t need to announce your sex.

OP are you safe?

If you live together can you ask him to leave, or leave yourself?

Would he accept this, or get nasty?

Yes as PP said i think it's actually on the browser you can see messages

Log out on the iPad and see if he mentions it to you. You will then know he is checking.

Also delete all message history from your messenger and see if he mentioned that to you as well!

@Vigg1984

Log out on the iPad and see if he mentions it to you. You will then know he is checking.

Also delete all message history from your messenger and see if he mentioned that to you as well!

This

OP have you changed your password yet?

As a femisit () that whole derail was hilarious

As a person, are you ok OP? Do you feel safe?

The femisits don't really have much work to do when everything you write is an own goal, Slink.

So I've got my answer, I checked under my settings and cleared all my log ins, but left the tablet as I usually do. And this morning i checked my log ins again and it says I was logged in on my tablet on both fb and messenger after I went to bed last night. So he must be just downloading the messenger app then deleting it. I haven't checked if it just logs me in on the browser so he could be doing it that way but either way I know for sure now.
Hopefully the only positive thing about this is that if he's doing it that way I can be fairly confident he hasn't put spyware on my phone.

Although I knew it deep down, I feel sick now. I don't delete anything off my fb so I have conversations on there all the way back to when I first got fb, old convo's with ex's from years ago, private chats between friends, god knows what he could have read.

I will change passwords and log out of my tablet tonight to stop him doing it.

Our relationship isn't great and I know I need to leave, I just need to figure out a plan.

Your last sentence is the one everyone here will have been waiting for.

Thank god you feel like this.

You can make a plan.

You absolutely need to get shot of him.

Glad you’ve got to the bottom of it Op , what a sleaze he is.

I'm not surprised you feel sick OP, that's a huge violation of trust Please confide in someone in real life and get your ducks in a row to leave this man. The fact that he's rubbing your nose in it gives rise for added concern. It's not a good relationship as you know, and you absolutely do need to leave, soon as possible. Mind yourself

It's good you've got it clear in your mind as to what's going on rather than feeling confused and uneasy. He's a creepy stalker and it's great you recognise that this relationship needs to end.

Good luck.

@LifeInAHamsterWheel

I'm not surprised you feel sick OP, that's a huge violation of trust Please confide in someone in real life and get your ducks in a row to leave this man. The fact that he's rubbing your nose in it gives rise for added concern. It's not a good relationship as you know, and you absolutely do need to leave, soon as possible. Mind yourself

Totally this, I hope you’re ok. At least you know now and can take steps to remove yourself from this toxic person. Good luck!