How on earth does my DP know?

[CJCC]

I have several male friends, they are just friends, nothing sexual has ever happened between us and I dont see them being any different to a female friend. My DP has always had an opinion on this, he thinks men who want to be friends with a woman are just biding their time to pounce basically.
I speak to 2 of these friends regularly on fb, conversations are completely 'normal' we don't flirt etc we are genuinely just friends.

Here's the weird part, everytime I speak to one of these friends my DP always makes comment about have I been talking to my other boyfriends or making jokes about who have I been texting. He's always done this and I put it down to him just being a dick sometimes but its taken me a while to connect the fact that he always says these things when I have infact had a conversation with one of them and we dont speak daily, sometimes it's a month or 2 so it can't just be luck. It's honestly like he knows but how could he unless he'd seen the messages?

I had a convo with one yesterday and my DP came home from work and made jokes about who have I been talking to and asking if I'd been talking to my other boyfriend and he couldn't have even looked at my phone so is he just bloody psychic!?

About a year ago some man I wasn't even friends with messaged me and it went into message requests so I didn't even see it. DP had a go at me for messaging other men and I was massively confused as I hadn't even seen the message. When I saw it and figured out what he meant I asked if he'd been looking at my fb from my iPad and he denied it, but I'd had my phone with me so it was the only way he could have seen. I deleted fb from my iPad after that so the only way he could access it is my phone now.

Do you think something is going on or am I crazy??

What an absolutely disgusting betrayal of trust. At least you know now how it is happening.

I hope you get out of the relationship soon.

Why does he feel the need to do this? Have you ever given him any reason to doubt your trust? Not that I am excusing his behaviour in any way.

The snide remarks he makes could be seen as a form of gaslighting given that it seems he's trying to mess with your mind on how he knows this information.

He must be very insecure to go to the lengths of waiting until you go to bed so he can settle down to rifle through your private messages.

Hope the plan to leave is sooner rather than later.

What a bastard. Good for you re: making a plan though.

One thing I wonder - is there any risk of him turning violent if he gets more suspicious of your online activity (which he will do when he finds he can't get into your Facebook anymore)?

Is it best to just keep things as they are, act like everything is normal until (in the well-worn MN phrase) you have your ducks in a row? After all, he's already read everything on your account. You could just keep everything very bland and low key on there for now, until you're ready to leave.

This world never fails to amaze me how messed up people can be, glad you have seen the real scum bag that he is OP and good luck on your exit from this lunatic!

Make sure to change your MN password and log out on the tablet if needed.

Even though you've figured it out, don't discount the possibility of spyware or key loggers. Just because he doesn't appear to be using them doesn't mean they aren't there for him to use.

Change passwords etc, but keep your eyes & ears wide open.

If you need time or have safety concerns you could update the tablet so it looks like the update cleared the browser.

FWIW the categories of person (mostly men but one lesbian) from whom I've seen such behaviour are either insecure and dangerous and/or having one or several affairs themselves and massively projecting onto loyal partners while reducing the chance their loyal partner will suspect them by making the loyal partner question their own behaviour and giving the liar scope to reply when attacked that the loyal partner is only saying that to shift the blame.

Good luck, OP.

@Zilla1

FWIW the categories of person (mostly men but one lesbian) from whom I've seen such behaviour are either insecure and dangerous and/or having one or several affairs themselves and massively projecting onto loyal partners while reducing the chance their loyal partner will suspect them by making the loyal partner question their own behaviour and giving the liar scope to reply when attacked that the loyal partner is only saying that to shift the blame.

Good luck, OP.

Agreed.

The person I know like this was abusive AND unfaithful.

Just a thought, if you change your passwords he will know something is up. Could you change your method of talking to people until you can leave? Or minimise interactions without giving anything away the fact that you're onto him?

I would tread very carefully now and try not to arouse suspicion.

@Zilla1

FWIW the categories of person (mostly men but one lesbian) from whom I've seen such behaviour are either insecure and dangerous and/or having one or several affairs themselves and massively projecting onto loyal partners while reducing the chance their loyal partner will suspect them by making the loyal partner question their own behaviour and giving the liar scope to reply when attacked that the loyal partner is only saying that to shift the blame.

Good luck, OP.

Interesting and accurate

This is shocking,
Good luck

Good to hear you're making plans OP - I hope you get clear of him soon

Good luck to you @CJCC, really hope things work out for you - but wondering if this is wise:

I will change passwords and log out of my tablet tonight to stop him doing it. Our relationship isn't great and I know I need to leave, I just need to figure out a plan.

The changing passwords, I mean. Don't give him cause to turn violent, maybe you should just download any old history you want to keep on to a memory stick, then erase it from your accounts and keep your current passwords so he's not suspicious.

The important thing is to stay safe! Please confide in someone you trust, obviously not via any online method, and get their opinion as well on your options.

That will give you time to make a plan and keep yourself safe as well.

Sorry to hear that @knittingaddict and possibly @nearly2022 if you have personal experience.

I don't understand the mentality of wanting to control someone else but see it too frequently in patients consciously or unconsciously seeking help.

One of the controlling men I had a little insight into had a father and mother with the 'she's playing you for a fool', can't you control your woman', 'are you going to let her speak to you like that' mentality. One ex-colleague who had many affairs used this approach - I think he genuinely believed his loyal wife was always seeking affairs rather than just cynically gaslighting her but can't be sure.

This sounds like very controlling and worrying behaviour.
I'm not sure I'd want to stay with this person if I was you. Regardless of any good points he may have, this is a major red flag.

Oh he's gonna get angry when he can't stalk you anymore. He's probably enjoyed checking you're not having weird convos with other men and reading them. Now he'll be furious and think you're up to all sorts.

Stay safe op

It's never acceptable to do what he's been doing. He knows it's wrong otherwise he's have told you and wouldn't be hiding it.

Do you have the same apple account? I get my son's notes downloaded onto my phone and have seen some of his messages too. I have no idea how it happens.

What's really worrying is he knows exactly what you've been up too (nothing) and he's still needling you. Please make sure you are safe as you try to exit this relationship. Women's aid have some great advice on planning a safe escape

Sorry ignore me. I've read the thread now.

I will change passwords and log out of my tablet tonight to stop him doing it.

Tomorrow morning should be interesting - he'll be both grumpy and suspicious but won't be able to say why.

Tomorrow morning should be interesting - he'll be both grumpy and suspicious but won't be able to say why

It will be ‘interesting’ to see what his reaction is .

Please keep yourself safe Op x

@Platax

I will change passwords and log out of my tablet tonight to stop him doing it.

Tomorrow morning should be interesting - he'll be both grumpy and suspicious but won't be able to say why.

Absolutely this. Keep us posted OP, this is really concerning behaviour and it's good to head you're planning your exit

Shocking behaviour and he deserves to be booted ASAP. Good luck and stay safe x