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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Entitled male tradesmen.

186 replies

EmKayEm · 11/11/2021 08:46

Ok.
Had an issue with electrics, kitchen keeps tripping out.
Called a couple of people to come and look at the issue and quote.
One came yesterday, gave me a price, agreed the job, and arranged to sort today. I sorted with work to WFH for the day, as can do stuff around the power being off for a couple of hours.

Last night the guy messages me -
''Um...just wondering...''
"???"
"Are you attached?"
"Why? Does that have anything to do with my kitchen?"

He leaves it a bit, then comes back with

"You can't possibly be single"

Then

"Hope this doesn't come across as creepy lol"

I ignored this. But he still went on. If I had had a bad experience in dating maybe he could change that. He is, of course, "a really nice guy".

I messaged back that my personal life was personal and I would rather keep this strictly professional.

This morning, due at 9am, messages me at 08:15 to say he can't come today due to another job.
I message back to ask when he can, he is a bit vague. I tell him not to to bother, I will contact someone else.
He then messages me to say he was only being nice, I should take it as a compliment etc.

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH ENTITLED CHILDREN DEMANDING ATTENTION???

OP posts:
user1497207191 · 11/11/2021 11:01

[quote Shedbuilder]@user1497207191

Oh, so now you know about certifying bodies, do you? Hmm[/quote]
Yes, I've made formal complaints to them about dangerous work, and they're not remotely interested, just a "thank you for your report" email and nothing else.

The worst was a GasSafe engineer who fitted a gas fire wrongly, which caused awful fumes/smells. He kept coming back and just saying it was the dust on the coals burning off. Eventually we got the gas fire supplier's own engineer out who immediately condemned it, turned off the gas supply and put a "don't use" sticker on the meter/main gas stoptap. We reported it to GasSafe with full details of their member, copies of the written report left by the manufaturer's engineer, etc., but nothing came of it and the gas installer is still operating.

IntermittentParps · 11/11/2021 11:03

She didn't say no though. She gave him a non-answer then ignored him.
And he threw his toys out of the pram. Diddums.

Yes of course he’d ask a bloke out for a pint if he was attracted to h8m, that’s what normal people do if they see someone they might like as a partner
I think you're missing the point. Deliberately or not, I don't know.

It’s not the rejection that has made him feel he has to cancel it’s the way you reacted, I wouldn’t want to face you after such a sharp response either.
Again, diddums. A grown man, who's meant to be functioning in a professional capacity but is abusing it, can't handle a sharp response?

Responses like these make me fucking despair.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/11/2021 11:05

Mumoblue
it’s completely unprofessional to hit on someone who is coming to you for a service, especially if you’re going to have access to that persons home

Exactly.

Honestly, there are very good Tradeswomen out there and you don't get any of this creepy entitled predatory bullshit.

minou123 · 11/11/2021 11:06

I have a thread for a similar situation. I won't link it because its really holey (I posted the messages I received and then had them deleted due to police investigation)

But yes, you YANBU. In my case he had finished the work then 6 months later started to send really offensive sex messages

I posted on MN because it was stupid o'clock in the morning and I was asking for advice on what to do.

99% of the messages were full of support and poster sharing similar stories.
1% told me to forget about it, or next time have a man in the house as this will stop unwanted attention Hmm

PigeonLittle · 11/11/2021 11:07

@minou123

Did you receive a resolution from the police after your reported him?

Sounds awful.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 11/11/2021 11:08

I can't believe some of the responses on here, including to call you "hysterical". What a load of rubbish. You are right to be angry.

I'd post the screenshot of the message exchange on local FB groups with simply the man's name and "draw your own conclusions".

darklindor · 11/11/2021 11:11

Am I reading this correctly OP, have you paid him anything yet?

furbabymama87 · 11/11/2021 11:11

I had similar from a fireman who checked my alarms. He asked me to get my boyfriend to adapt the fire surround to fit a fireguard. I said I was single and he looked me up and down and said " wow, you haven't got a boyfriend. You're stunning". I wasn't offended though, we just laughed it off as he was friendly and I think he'd realised he shouldn't really have said it. Your one sounds creepy and unprofessional though.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 11/11/2021 11:12

@Mochudubh

Sounds weird. Surely if you fancied a potential client a normal person would turn up to do the job, have a bit of a chat (and possibly suss out the relationship status), finish up then maybe suggest going for a drink sometime.

Or maybe that's my sensible woman-brain talking.

You would think so but I had similar with a removals man a few years back. He had moved me into the house and his company were brilliant so a few years later when I was getting divorced and selling the family house I had him round to quote me. We were just chatting and I told him why I was moving again and how me and exh were still friendly. He told me alllll about his current girlfriend and how jealous she was of his ex wife. Few days later he text me to say he definitely felt a connection and could he take me out? Why the fuck would I want to go on a date with a bloke who has a girlfriend?! Do some blokes really think a lone woman is that desperate she would spark up a relationship with somebody who slagged his gf off and was most likely still dating her....needless to say he didnt get the job!
Shedbuilder · 11/11/2021 11:12

OP, I work with tradesmen and I would be incandescent if any of my employees or sub-contractors behaved like this. It's predatory behaviour. He will be alone with you in your home and he seems to be checking out whether there's a man around. You can have no idea what he's got in mind. Escalate it, please.

PaulRuddsWife · 11/11/2021 11:12

@Suzi888

A female poster was encouraged by mn to contact a male tradesman that she fancied via text awhile ago …. Hmm

YANBU by the way.

I was just going to say the same. What happened to this OP was revolting, but when the sexes were reversed on the other thread, there were loads of posters egging her on.
girlmom21 · 11/11/2021 11:18

@Shedbuilder

OP, I work with tradesmen and I would be incandescent if any of my employees or sub-contractors behaved like this. It's predatory behaviour. He will be alone with you in your home and he seems to be checking out whether there's a man around. You can have no idea what he's got in mind. Escalate it, please.
Generally people who are intending on attacking a woman don't pre-warn them.
minou123 · 11/11/2021 11:18

[quote PigeonLittle]@minou123

Did you receive a resolution from the police after your reported him?

Sounds awful.[/quote]
Yes I did, so I can share it with you.

The police took it really seriously and sent an female police officer to my house. They didn't even ask, they automatically, part of their process, send female police officers in sexual harassment cases. Which I think is excellent as I was really uncomfortable sharing the messages with a man.

She investigated it, interviewed him. Initially he tried to laugh it off and said he was drunk and thought it was funny blah blah blah. When the officer was telling me this, I could hear the fury in her voice, so she told him it was a very serious matter and the victim (me) was prepared to take this to court. He started to cry.

In the end they cautioned him. (1st offence etc)
I'm happy with that and like the officer said, if he does it again, he is on the system.

dworky · 11/11/2021 11:18

The worst is "you can't be single".

Why not, must I go out with any person who shows an attraction to me?

girlmom21 · 11/11/2021 11:21

@IntermittentParps your 'diddums' responses are completely missing the point that I and another poster made.

People are saying men should understand that no means no. But she didn't say she wasn't interested. She didn't shut him down. She just gave him crappy replies and was rude to him instead.

No, he shouldn't have contacted her like he did, but if she'd have just responded like a rational adult there's a very good chance he would have taken the hint.

minou123 · 11/11/2021 11:22

Generally people who are intending on attacking a woman don't pre-warn them.

Yes they do.
Stalking is a clear example of this.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/11/2021 11:23

Suzi888
A female poster was encouraged by mn to contact a male tradesman that she fancied via text awhile ago …. hmm

"Yeah but" has no bearing on an unprofessional, entitled man propositioning a woman when he's going to turn up at her home, in her personal space.

The other post doesn't cancel out or justify or excuse this at all. I didnt see that post so it's hardly "mn encouraged.." is it.

Now Im idly wondering if that poster hired a tradesman, saw his pic, then immediately wanted to proposition him so was asking for advice on how.

It's still not a "Gotcha" for situation on this actual thread tho

girlmom21 · 11/11/2021 11:23

@minou123

Generally people who are intending on attacking a woman don't pre-warn them.

Yes they do.
Stalking is a clear example of this.

Ok - strangers don't pre-warn women. He's not going to check her house will be empty so he can attack her.

Stalkers tend to know their victims and take more than a day to plan their attacks.

Shedbuilder · 11/11/2021 11:24

[quote girlmom21]@IntermittentParps your 'diddums' responses are completely missing the point that I and another poster made.

People are saying men should understand that no means no. But she didn't say she wasn't interested. She didn't shut him down. She just gave him crappy replies and was rude to him instead.

No, he shouldn't have contacted her like he did, but if she'd have just responded like a rational adult there's a very good chance he would have taken the hint. [/quote]
I can't believe you're blaming the OP. Some days Mumsnet makes me want to weep.

You're right, girlmom. He shouldn't have contacted her like he did. End of.

nordica · 11/11/2021 11:24

I've had similar experiences in the past too and dread having to get any tradesmen in for this exact reason. It would be completely unprofessional in any other line of work to use a customer's contact details they have access to for work purposes to then ask them out. And there's an immediate power imbalance because they know your home address.

IntermittentParps · 11/11/2021 11:27

she didn't say she wasn't interested. She didn't shut him down. She just gave him crappy replies and was rude to him instead.

No. Initially she said 'Why? Does that have anything to do with my kitchen?', which should have given him a warning that she was not going to engage on this level but didn't.
When he persisted she said, and I quote, 'that my personal life was personal and I would rather keep this strictly professional.'

How is that not a) rational or b) clear?

You are making excuses for a man displaying predatory behaviour and putting the blame on the OP because of the way she responded.
You should be ashamed.

girlmom21 · 11/11/2021 11:29

@IntermittentParps and once she'd said that he stopped messaging, and then said he couldn't do the work.

Once she responded like an adult he stopped - like an adult.

Why should I be ashamed because women aren't capable of communicating and then instead call the men who they can't communicate with cunts?

Chasingaftermidnight · 11/11/2021 11:32

People are saying men should understand that no means no. But she didn't say she wasn't interested. She didn't shut him down. She just gave him crappy replies and was rude to him instead.

No, women don’t have to be polite or follow a script. Anyway, are we reading the same thing?

He asked if she was attached. She asked ‘Why? Does this have anything to do with my kitchen?’ (I think any reasonable person would take that as a serious hint that the person wasn’t interested).

He then sent some further messages which she ignored and she eventually told him her personal life was personal and she’d rather keep this professional.

Chasingaftermidnight · 11/11/2021 11:34

Once she responded like an adult he stopped - like an adult.

And at 45 minutes’ notice refused to do the work he’d agreed to do… like an adult? And told her he was only being nice and she should take it as a compliment… like an adult?

IntermittentParps · 11/11/2021 11:34

[quote girlmom21]@IntermittentParps and once she'd said that he stopped messaging, and then said he couldn't do the work.

Once she responded like an adult he stopped - like an adult.

Why should I be ashamed because women aren't capable of communicating and then instead call the men who they can't communicate with cunts? [/quote]
and once she'd said that he stopped messaging, and then said he couldn't do the work.
Once she responded like an adult he stopped - like an adult.
It is not 'like an adult' to strop off from a job you've agreed to because your customer will not respond in the way you'd like to your inappropriate advances.

Why should I be ashamed because women aren't capable of communicating The OP is VERY capable of communicating, demonstrably so.

and then instead call the men who they can't communicate with cunts?
See above re communicating; and, she has called him a cunt on a thread on which she's expressing her opinion and letting off steam. I don't think she has called him a cunt in a message to him or to his face.
I reiterate: you are making excuses for a man displaying predatory behaviour and you are blaming the OP because of the way she responded.
This is very similar to the attitudes expressed around other sexual harassment, around sexual assault and around rape. This is why you should be ashamed. I do not have anything different to say on this.