To ask why having children is such an expectation?

[stereeotype]

If it wasn't an expectation of your family, friends, society...would you really have had the burning desire for children?

It's such a societal expectation that I genuinely think it is what persuades a lot of people to have them.

I'm ambivalent about children and have posted a few times recently about it but just wandered if it wasn't for external pressure would you really genuinely have seen children as a sensible decision?

It would also be great to hear from those who didn't give into pressure and are later in life and happy with the decision they made - I don't seem to hear many of those accounts either on MN or IRL

Biological drive seems important in most animals

I don't feel any pressure to have kids. Never have biologically, societally, it's never been a consideration for me, I've always known I won't be having any.

@Dazedandconfused10 so far are you happy with your decision - no regrets? Can I also ask how old you are if you don't mind

Having children has always been all I've ever wanted. It's not for everyone though and I respect that.

@firstimemamma do you have them? Why does it appeal so much to you?

I didn't want kids until I turned about 28 and then my friends started talking about the biological clock. Dh also really wanted kids so we went for it. It was a total lifestyle change for us but I think that would have gradually happened anyway as all our friends started to have kids too.
Obviously they are totally awesome, but it was a big change when ds1 was born.

I definitely felt a burning desire to have a baby but I have no idea how much of that was hormones, how much was societal expectation, how much was the fact several of my friends had had babies, etc

I don’t think people can separate out their motivations and influences in that way really

However, I will say that having children is not a sensible decision in any logical sense. It’s all emotion over sense.

I’m 40 and have never wanted kids.
I got married recently and everyone talks about ‘when’ I have kids as if it’s a done deal which I think is a bit mad, given my age…….

There is a lot of pressure, but I think you’d have to be a complete idiot/sheep to make such a massive decision according to what others think…….

I love my childless life. I can please myself and I do quite a lot of babysitting so I can still enjoy other people’s kids for short periods.

@stereeotype 34. No regrets, my free time is my own, I'm not maternal, I look at kids as giving up stuff I love, not anything I'd gain which to me says I made the right choice.

No. I think biological drive is the biggest motivator. If society and external influences do anything it's to nudge women delay having a child.

I felt the biological clock tick. My mum claims she only had children because everyone else was. However she mentions being annoyed when her sister beat her to it by a couple of months, so the story changes.

For me, the feeling of wanting to have kids was absolutely not societal pressure. I wanted to have kids more than anything. It was a huge desire, almost a biological need - I can’t really explain it except to look at how other species on Earth actively seek to produce babies. I think that’s sort of what it was for me, like an internal programming of my body to seek out having babies. I have two children now and I feel completed by them. Yes I have qualifications, a career, a husband, I’ve travelled blah blah… I’ve enjoyed my life and I still do.. but they’re the best of it. I just love them to pieces that’s all. I think unless you feel like that about yearning to have them, it wouldn’t make sense to have them though. I can understand that.

Tbh if everyone thoroughly and rationally weighed up the pros and cons of having kids then the global population would be somewhere in the double digits if that!

What I will say though is that increasingly more women / parents are able to speak without shame about regretting parenthood. I think it's good to have honest discussions about parenthood because for a while I imagined it would be like those Xmas adverts, you know the ones with mum dad, 2 kids a giant house and a dog and everyone looks happy.

Yes I always known I wanted to be a mother. From about age 26 the desire got stronger and by 30 I couldn’t ignore it any longer. When we struggled to conceive it was devastating, it really affected my mental health. 9 years later we have 3 beautiful children but life is completely different. It’s relentless, exhausting and you can never return to how it was before. Make sure you are 100% before having any is my advice!

Well I always wanted children. I don’t think there was any societal pressure to have them, actually the opposite as I was told my twenties were “for fun” and Id regret “settling down so young”...but then I was done being pregnant by age 30.

I think that there is some pressure on childless women in their 30s to have children even if it is masked in curiosity. The questions of Oh, do you have any children? No? Wow, do you want children?
To me just asking these questions is a kind of micropressure.

Yes. I always wanted to be a mother but it's definitely the biggest life decision to make. Parenting is hard work. Unless you're 100% committed, don't do it.

I think having kids makes it easier to answer the big existential questions about your life. Kids create restrictions and there's something almost relieving about having options taken away because of the kids. Kids also create a natural kind of pathway you dont have to think about too much. Yeah you have other stuff going on in your life, but for nearly 2 decades your focus is on raising your kids and doing right by them. It's enough to occupy a lifetime, never mind all the work stuff, friends and family on top of that. When you don't have kids it feels like you dont have that pre made pathway there for you. You miss quite a few tick box moments. It can be hard to grasp what you feel your life is about. It almost feels like you really have to search for some kind of meaning, whereas when you have kids, some kind of basic meaning is already there: your job is to raise them (alongside the other parts of yourself you fulfil). Having kids almost absolves you of some kind of pressure I feel. You can have two women being asked "so tell me about yourself". One will simply say "well, I'm a mum to two boys", and everyone will smile and just kind of accept it. The other woman doesnt have kids, and will almost have to work harder to explain who she is.

These are all just my impressions and how I feel. I dont have kids and I dont think I want them. I'm 35 and ultimately I just dont want the commitment or weight of them. But I do think they give you social "heft". I think my life would physically and emotionally be much harder with them, but intellectually having kids would make my life easier.

I knew from my early teens I didn't want children and this feeling only got stronger - I purposefully never dated anyone with children either, whilst friends and family members went on to have families all around me, my desire never wained, I am now 58 and with my partner who also never wanted children- fast forward 20 years and I have never regretted my decision plus I have many male and female friends who have also chosen not to have children - I respect those who have chosen to procreate but no amount of emotional, biological or societal pressures would have changed my mind

I don't get excited when I think about motherhood. I'm so worried I feel sick of worry about making the wrong decision to become a parent. I'm struggling to conceive anyway but worried sick about it all.

I have had losses and they made me angry more than they did sad. I really worry though about regretting it when I'm unable to have them,

Life sucks I really never thought I'd be caught in this horrible place of ambivalence

Because it's a natural thing to do for human evolution. If we all didn't have them, the human race would end. So someone actively choosing to not have them seems a bit odd to most people.

@Valeriane thank you so much for your post it has really resonated with me

@Dazedandconfused10

I don't feel any pressure to have kids. Never have biologically, societally, it's never been a consideration for me, I've always known I won't be having any.

This with bells on. I'm 37 and never regretted my decision. DH is the same.

Getting my bingo card ready for the inevitable "why are you on Mumsnet then?"

My mum has told me she only did it because it was the expected thing in the 80s and had she had more choice she wouldn’t have.

I think most people dislike doing things differently from the herd, and there’s definitely a feeling that you get (single and childless though not by choice) that people think you’re odd or that there’s something wrong with you. People also like having their life choices validated so if more people are having kids then not, they’ll likely go with that.

I tend to think it’s more sociological than biological honestly.

@Valeriane Social heft is it, exactly! Social clout, even. I definitely think women without kids are considered lesser, even if it’s unsaid.