To ask why having children is such an expectation?

[stereeotype]

If it wasn't an expectation of your family, friends, society...would you really have had the burning desire for children?

It's such a societal expectation that I genuinely think it is what persuades a lot of people to have them.

I'm ambivalent about children and have posted a few times recently about it but just wandered if it wasn't for external pressure would you really genuinely have seen children as a sensible decision?

It would also be great to hear from those who didn't give into pressure and are later in life and happy with the decision they made - I don't seem to hear many of those accounts either on MN or IRL

As a child and young woman I never wanted children and felt no pressure to do so. My dm told myself and my siblings that we should not feel obliged to have dcs as life could be fine without them. She was of the generation of women who felt they had little choice.

In my late thirties I changed my mind and my dp and I were fortunate to be able to have two dcs naturally and easily. Our dcs became the centre of our lives and have been ever since. They are now at uni. We have always adored them and they have brought us huge joy but also a lot of worry. There is an expression parents often use and we’ve certainly found to be true - 'you're only as happy as your unhappiest child'.

Of myself and my siblings, two of us had dcs and two didn't. The two who didn't are happy – they are freer, less financially constrained and have definitely had more sleep during their lifetimes! I make it clear to my dcs that there is no pressure on them to have children.

If you're not sure you want dcs don't have them. I’m not sure if there is such an expectation now but if you feel societal pressure don’t bow to it. Make up your own mind. Imagine life without them and see how if feels.

For me it was 100% an unconscious need. That I fought (successfully) from my mid teens until I was actually ready (around 29-30).
But if you don’t have that urge I can see why it is a bigger question for you. As PP said, if we only approached it with logic most of us wouldn’t. Though I am glad I did.

As for not hearing from people who chose not to on mumsnet. It’s in the name of the site, many of us end up here because we are, or want/ed to be, parents. It would never have occurred to me to go on this website pre-kids. Though obviously there are quite a few of you who did.

I’d always assumed I’d have them one day, and it became a visceral urge once I was in a stable, committed relationship.

I can’t say I’d always liked other people’s children (your own are another matter) but I’d always liked babies.

I got called into some school office when I was in Year 8 for not wanting kids. I expressed this during an RE lesson, and I was told my RE teacher was very concerned. WT actual Fuck!
I am in my 40s now... every single year leading up to now has been me expressing the fact I do not want kids.

Always knew I wanted kids, plural. Sadly I was only able to have one, but I have absolutely loved being a mum. I have always been fine with interrupted sleep, and genuinely really enjoy hanging out with my little boy more than anyone else. He is cute, funny, affectionate, and has some really interesting things to say, plus he is full of energy and likes going on adventures. He’s great.

@XenoBitch That's horrifying! Was it a religious school? I'm 47 and have never experienced anything like that.

[quote Cameleongirl]@XenoBitch That's horrifying! Was it a religious school? I'm 47 and have never experienced anything like that.[/quote]
No, was bog standard state school.

Really interesting reading the responses here.

I don't feel I "chose" to have children, it was a drive bordering on obsession. I certainly didn't have societal pressure to do so (other than a mother I adore who absolutely loved being a mum, so I suppose an implicit bias towards mothering specifically.) In fact when I had DC1 I was in my very early 20s and there was a feeling of "wtf" from many of my closest friends. However, I knew my life would have been... not ruined exactly but my personal goals would have been derailed significantly if I'd have been unable to have children (plural) so I desperately wanted to check if I could. Obviously I waited until several other things were in place before checking but ultimately it was all I really cared about.

I have never regretted my children or anything that has followed since having them. However I do acknowledge the privilege of having had as many kids as I wanted, when I wanted, with financial resources behind me, a supportive partner and the children being quite easy to look after.

I thought for years that I would have children "someday", but I never really felt a powerful maternal urge. It was more that it seemed the thing to do, and I could imagine the fun parts of doing things with children, reliving my own childhood in some ways.

Time passed and I was in my 30s. I felt a little societal pressure and a touch of the biological clock, but it was a feeling of dread and vague FOMO more than actually wishing to become pregnant. More and more people in my life decided not to have children. I decided that it was okay that I didn't feel driven to have kids myself. I never felt enough of a wish to have children to take the leap. The obstacles, potential problems, and hard work of parenting just didn't seem worth it, if I'm honest. I know I'd love a child if I'd had one, but I'm satisfied with my life as it is, and I'm glad to have sidestepped all the heartache and trouble that a child might have meant (even though it feels almost wrong to say so).

I'm in my early 40s, so could possibly still conceive, but at this point, I really wouldn't want to risk it or face the energy level of small children.

Definitely not expected by anyone in my family. I never wanted children and was actively discouraged by my family.
I accidentally got pregnant at 35 and my family were very shocked I went through with it but relatively supportive. My DP's family were not supportive at all.

I have no maternal instinct and did not have any 'biological ticking clock' nonsense. My family are all of the opinion the world has gone to shit and the less people born into it the better. Our family is unsurprisingly very small and everyone in it has waited until 30s or 40s to have children, going back many many years.

I'm currently expecting my second baby and it doesn't appear to be a popular choice at all. I have not received a single congratulations from anyone, it's been universally ignored (although most likely because I almost died during the first birth and no one expected me to risk it again).

I think that those of us who enjoyed being mothers tend to want the younger generation to have that pleasure too.

I’m new to the parenting game but definitely felt the biological clock. I wouldn’t say I regret becoming a parent but I’m not sure I’d do it again. That said, DS is only 4 months old so maybe my tune will change.

I'm 40, child free, and have been asked many times 'but why?' by people who look at me like my head is on back to front for not having had children.
I think about it quite often, should I have had them? and ALWAYS return to the same position. On balance, I'd just rather not.

I think it's one of those things that you should only do if you're 100% sold on doing it, and I'm really not. I also think there's a lot of women out there who probably should never have been mothers but did for whatever reason and lived miserable lives raising miserable children into miserable adults.
I won't be that.

I think people who say it’s selfish not to have children are probably a bit envious and bitter. They regret having children or felt they had little choice in the matter. But if they can tell themselves that at least they’re not selfish, and they’ve done their duty, it makes them feel better

I agree. It’s a very ill thought out point also, given that the reasons people have children are almost entirely selfish- all about how ^i wanted to be pregnant/give birth/raise a new human/have something half me half DH/felt I really wanted to.had a massive urge* etc etc etc. Not much altruism there!

Is it an expectation nowadays? I'm
not so sure, the birth rate is rapidly declining & more & more young people seem to have no interest in having kids.

I’m 42, childfree by choice and will stay that way, thanks to a surgeon who respected me enough to know I knew my own mind and who sterilised me two years ago.

I never, ever wanted children and have never even once envied anyone who has them, never for a second have I ever thought I’d like them. It’s just not for me.

It is a bit ‘the road less travelled’ and does attract comment and even criticism from some quarters, but I’m well able for them.

One of my siblings have dc as do I. One definitely doesn't want them & one is undecided but swaying towards no. They like having nieces & nephews but just don't want it for themselves. I think it's a valid choice.

I don't agree there is societal pressure to have children - not in this country. I don't have any and have never felt any pressure to do so.

In other countries it's different. I cycled around the world a few years ago and in some places the people I met were incredulous that I wasn't married and didn't have kids in my thirties - they just couldn't compute that it was possible. That doesn't happen in the UK.

I just knew I wanted them and didn't consider any of the negatives at all. Life changed of course, but like anything else it's a mix of good and bad.

Now they are teens we are getting our lives back and I wouldn't have it any other way.
We are both from tiny families. dHs family especially are a bit crap to be honest. It's lovely that we have created our own nuclear family of 4 to do things differently. We are close and get on well and they bring me joy, but also worry.

I can see why people don't take that step though. We have friends who don't have children who have a great life. I know I would have felt like something was missing if I hadn't had children though.

When I found my first husband didn't want children, I didn't understand it at all. I couldn't get that there were people on the world who genuinely didn't feel that desire. Or I wouldn't have married him.

So it was very dumb of me to not get that some people have a genuine desire not to have children. It's equally dumb to think that the central drive of my life is 'just social pressure'. As others have said, of course it's difficult to tease apart the fact that it's extremely recent to consider having a choice at all - the choice was to have a partner - and the biological element. But it's not that unusual for people to be less enthusiastic about sex once conception is off the table. The physical drive to have children is real and the regret side makes that more obvious, not less! It's not less biological just because not every single human experiences it. But sure, the biological bit is only one element and probably quite limited in the scheme of things.

Anyway for me it was a happy 'ending' in that I had my son and he's a whole load of fun, though very tough times along the way. I was completely free of the physical drive as soon as I was pregnant, never felt it again though it was such a huge presence in my life before that. Nice to be free of it and get on with the rest of my life.

I never felt any societal pressure. I don't think there's any expectation to have kids really. We no longer need them to look after us in old age and they're viewed by some as a selfish choice, adding to the world population. I always knew that I wanted them, there was no question for me and I could only ever see the positives to becoming a parent. I suppose it was biological then really.

I was always ambivalent about having children. Always thought it would happen 'one day' but even though I married quite young, neither my husband nor I ever felt ready to have kids. We preferred having money and travelling. Furthermore, most people with kids seemed to do nothing but complain about how hard it was to raise them. We were happy as a couple. It took us both a little while to get established in our careers too, and I knew I would always resent having a child if I sacrificed my professional development.

I never felt any pressure to have children. My mother asked precisely once if we planned to have children. This was after about 6 years of marriage. My in-laws never asked. Nobody else cared.

By the age of 35, I thought I would probably not have children. I looked into childfree communities online, thinking they would have recommendations for things like childfree holidays and restaurants. Instead these communities seemed to be more about denouncing 'breeders' and slagging off children (I forget what pejorative they used for kids). It was highly off-putting.

Eventually, at 37 my husband and I knew that we had to make a decision about children. We thought about our futures both with children and without. COVID and lockdown also made us consider what we felt was important in life.

We both felt that although we were happy with our lives, and could live a happy childfree life, we preferred a vision of our life with children. We both come from close families, which may have shaped our thoughts. We knew that we weren't prepared to undergo IVF, but decided to try to conceive naturally.

I now have a three-week old sleeping on my chest. It's early days, but I honestly believe that having her is the best decision I ever made.

I’m 60 and when I was in my 20s there certainly was societal pressure to have them. It was still considered at best a bit weird and at worst downright selfish not to want them. There was certainly no pressure from my mother though, I think if she’d had the choice she would have remained childfree herself. I did think I wanted them and spent years and a lot of money ttc with my DH, but to be honest we now feel we dodged a bullet and are at peace with how things turned out.

Growing up I always assumed Inwould have children but felt no burning desire. At 24 I got married but knew that my DH couldn't have kids as he had had cancer treatment and was infertile. He died from soemthing completely unrelated 2 years later. I married my second DH at 31 and by then had realised I didn't actively long for kids so I am now happily childless at 54. .

I’m 35, very happily married
I’ve never had any biological drive for kids; don’t even like them very much- I find small noisy ones really annoying. I don’t even think they’re cute. Puppies and kittens are cute; babies not so much.

I don’t think we’ll have children; the only thing that makes me consider it is the lovely relationship I have with my mum and wanting that with my own child