To ask why having children is such an expectation?

[stereeotype]

If it wasn't an expectation of your family, friends, society...would you really have had the burning desire for children?

It's such a societal expectation that I genuinely think it is what persuades a lot of people to have them.

I'm ambivalent about children and have posted a few times recently about it but just wandered if it wasn't for external pressure would you really genuinely have seen children as a sensible decision?

It would also be great to hear from those who didn't give into pressure and are later in life and happy with the decision they made - I don't seem to hear many of those accounts either on MN or IRL

There is an expectation?
Certainly not in my family or circle ?

Many don't have them in my circle with no intention and no expectations

My dad asked me on my wedding day when we’d be having kids
Quite a few times over the Xmas dinner table too till mum told him to pack it in.

Don’t think he really believed me when I said I wasn’t interested.
20 years later and no regrets. Not DH. Nothing about parenting looks fun to us.

I didn't want children at all. Even as a child I wasn't keen on other children and much preferred adult company. As I grew up nothing changed and went through my twenties completely uninterested in children and I never felt any pressure to have kids myself. Then my Mum died quite suddenly. We'd always been exceptionally close and grief hit me like a tonne of bricks. When I came through that initial huge wave of grief, I realised that wanted a child more than anything in the world. I think it was because I craved that mother/child relationship, even if it meant a role reversal to have that again. Four years and one week after my Mum's death, I gave birth to my dd and I don't regret it for a second. I like all children much more now and I've really tapped into my maternal side.

nor Dh …

Watching with interest!

I never felt any societal pressure or expectation to have children.

I did always want them though, and as I approached 30 I got a strong, irresistible biological urge to get pregnant.

I have three children, now adults. I'm not always sure it was a sensible decision, it's been very hard at times, but I don't regret it.

There was an expectation from my family.

I was conditioned to think I'd have 2-3 kids, as per family tradition. But after one pregnancy and emergency CS I said, no, never again. I hated it. I hated the early years too. I loved my DD but hated the inconvenience, the lack of sleep, and the cost of parenthood. I am too much of a control freak. My DD and I get on OK now and we love each other to bits but having any more would have been a disaster for the children and for me.

@3scape

Biological drive seems important in most animals

That's the drive for sex. In a lot of animals fertile times are signalled biologically (swollen arse for example). Humans have concealed ovulation. The reason may be that because we're intelligent and can count, if we worked out when ovulation is, we'd have the sex, but avoid fertile times.

The urge is sex, the consequence is babies.

We are also programmed to look after existing babies.

But the urge to have babies is probably mostly socialisation.

I’m 50 in Feb and no regrets at all! Always knew I didn’t want kids, I didn’t have to make a decision, I just knew. Am from a very happy family, mum and dad been married for 60 years, so l don’t know why, just no biological clock! Been with my husband for around 25 years, he obviously feels the same way. We have a great life together. People still think we’re odd though and I know some people think we can’t have kids and just pretend to be happy about it.

I don’t think I ever had a burning desire for children. I think wanting to have mine came from me but also from just growing up expecting that’s what people do. I’m chronically unsure about everything so I never knew exactly how I’d feel once I had mine but I’d made my peace with how hard it was going to be and how my life was going to change which I think definitely helped. I probably felt more of the individual desire for having a second than my first and I love both of them to pieces. It’s hard work but I’ve surprised myself at how much I enjoy it although with mine being so young I am envious of the uninterrupted sleep of my child free friends!

I'm 32, never had any urge to have a child. No parental pressure. I have MH issues though that means i shouldn't have children, so i knew i couldn't/wouldn't before puberty.

I’m 50 and never had kids, never wanted any from an early age. I’m entirely happy with that decision, lots of friends have children and while I’m glad that has brought them contentment and fulfillment, I don’t envy them in the slightest.

Due to a biological desire. Pretty obvious.

I got to mid twenties and felt like a baby would be a lovely addition to my life. Felt like I’d had my youth drinking, clubbing, out all weekend etc… I was bored with that.

So had my first just past mid twenties, fell in love with them so had my second.

I felt like it was the right time for me. I didn’t feel I was too young and I didn’t feel I was too old. Just right for me at that time.

I know friends, whom at 35 really started panicking and the biological clock kicked in but then if they had different/better partners they may have done it sooner.

I never felt pressure to have my daughter. Nobody ever even spoke to me about it, it’s just what I felt I wanted to do.

No biological desire. I don't enjoy the company of small children. Little societal expectation from my London friends. Only half have kids and those who have had one accidentally! Child free is the norm in my social group as those with kids moved to the outskirts of London to trade in their cool flats for dull terraces in some 'family friendly' suburb.

Here in NZ now everyone has kids.... seemingly because everyone else has. No one questions where they want them or not it's just a given it seems.

Happy beyond words with my choice. Parenting looks objectively awful but human brains are set up to pump out chemicals to believe it's wonderful so you don't leave the kid in a shop when it gets unbearable.

My friend and her husband are currently trying. Both 41 and she didn’t want kids really but he said he did but wasn’t ready to try until a year ago.

I find that odd as everyone knows fertility declines, especially in your 40’s. All of his friend have kids and I wonder if he he thinks it’s something he should do because of social pressure.

53 and never wanted children and neither did DH, absolutely no regrets, this urge to reproduce is a totally alien concept to me. I don’t think everyone does have the drive to have children but it’s the social norm and most people follow that, it’s just the done thing I guess.

@BurntO

Due to a biological desire. Pretty obvious.

Expect what's 'obvious' is often not actually the case.

As I mentioned above.

I was ambivalent, veering towards not wanting kids but loosely started trying at 38, got pregnant within 3 months and my daughter was stillborn 31 weeks later. Following that I was consumed with an overwhelming desire to have a baby. It was like a mental illness. Maybe down to the psychological trauma of what I endured. I got pregnant again 2nd months of trying and miscarried at 9 weeks. Got pregnant 1st time trying after that and I’m now just turned 40 and due early Dec.
Funny how life turns out and how I went from ambivalent to desperate through the process of going through a stillbirth.

I was talking to a friend recently who is struggling with difficult teenagers. She obviously loves them but said how much easier and maybe even happier her life would have been without them as she is constantly anxious, worried and tired!

Without kids her and her husband would have a quiet and relaxed life, enjoying holidays and evenings out with friends etc.

Never had the biological urge and was all societal pressure or probably a big dollop of FOMO. Did go on to have one DC. If I have to be honest, we shouldnt have. I love them but find the whole parenting thing quite hard. DC does have some SEN which is just hard, it does mean that he's not always nice or well behaved. Other people often perceive him as hard work and it does feel quite relentless if you are on the receiving end of his behaviour. It's also left me a bit despondent as his SEN runs in my family so my family are also hard work and it just feels relentless from all sides. I do love him and try my best but it might have been better had we decided to remain childfree

My FIL told my DH that it is selfish to not have children.

My DH responded by saying that surely it's more selfish to have children who are not wanted!

@3scape

Biological drive seems important in most animals

^^This. Obviously it's fine if you are an exception but most humans have a strong drive to have sex and/or procreate. Just natural selection.

I think growing up I just assumed I'd be following the social narrative of finding a suitable partner/cohabiting/getting married/having children.

Dated throughout my 20s ltrs and short term ones too. A ltr turned marriage which lasted 6 years but no children. Turning 36 and divorced I'd started to think may be I won't get to be a parent...I remember feeling really upset that I'd had all this time (15 years) and I'd never met anyone suitable to have a family with...it made no sense. It's not like I hadn't tried.

To cut a long story short, I pursued solo parenting aged 39 (IVF with a sperm donor) and am currently 35 weeks pregnant.

For me, I wanted to experience being pregnant/the upcoming birth and get to create my own family. A life long connection hopefully. A new chapter in my life. An adventure. I am extremely grateful that my treatment worked and I feel ready for it.