To ask why having children is such an expectation?

[stereeotype]

If it wasn't an expectation of your family, friends, society...would you really have had the burning desire for children?

It's such a societal expectation that I genuinely think it is what persuades a lot of people to have them.

I'm ambivalent about children and have posted a few times recently about it but just wandered if it wasn't for external pressure would you really genuinely have seen children as a sensible decision?

It would also be great to hear from those who didn't give into pressure and are later in life and happy with the decision they made - I don't seem to hear many of those accounts either on MN or IRL

I’m 53 and have never had a desire to have children, but I do consider myself naturally maternal and nurturing. I’ve also never been aware of societal expectations. My sister and a cousin also made the choice to not have children.

My husband and I are in our 40’s and have been married for 20 years and we have no children. Boy was there an expectation from the world and its wife, even now I (but not my husband…) get asked about having children! It’s water off a ducks back for us. People who are are just making conversation as no one really cares if you have children or not, it’s just like talking about the weather.

We chose not to have them for a variety of reasons. Absolutely zero regrets! Most of our friends have children and if anything, that’s really confirmed to us that we made the right choice.

I had a couple of months in my early 30s when I thought about have a dc. Had a husband, a house and felt it was the next step. People were asking when.
I think felt it might fulfil a void. Luckily that wore off before I got pregnant. Cos the void was caused by a unfulfilling marriage and unfulfilling job. Great guy, bad husband. Got divorced instead and instantly returned to not wanting dc. Have never had the biological urge, not maternal at all. Love friends' kids, but love handing them back. 53 now and sure I did the right thing.

Until I hit menopause, I always replied "I'm barren" when people asked why no kids. Bloody rude question and that answer shuts them the hell up and embarrasses them. Maybe they'll leave the next woman alone instead of being presumptuous or potentially hurting someone who is struggling with infertility.

Mid fifties, no children, never felt any desire to have children, not a maternal bone in my body.

No-one has ever asked why I don't have kids (probably wouldn't dare) and I've never felt any pressure to have them.

Very happy with my life - happy 25 year marriage, good family relationships and good friends. Home life calm, peaceful. Many and varied interests. Wouldn't change a thing.

I think many of us have/had a strong desire to have babies. A biological urge. But I only really saw myself with a baby, I didn’t think beyond that.
Maybe we should say ‘Congratulations! You’re going to have a hormonal teenager!’

I find the idea that those who have had children are just 'following the herd' or bowing to societal pressure a bit patronising.

It's a major life decision and I think it's has lots of facets to it, but I think the biggest one is a biological drive. Some people know they don't want them, others know that they do. If I'd not had that drive then I wouldn't have them and wouldn't have caved in just because of societal pressures.

So true @pottedpalm.

I often say, "no one tells you about this in Emma's bloody diary" when dealing with teens being a pain .

@Pottedpalm

I wouldn't have wanted a baby at all but would have liked to have been given a child aged around 3 or 4! It always seems like such a cute age :)

It's sad but to be honest ive always thought that if I were a man I would have had children. Maybe that's my own past and hang ups talking though.

I was in a plane which hit an air pocket and dropped really quickly without warning. People were screaming, the air stewards were thrown in the air. We all thought we were going to die. My overriding thought at the time was I am going to die without ever having had a child and it felt like my biggest regret. My friend’s overriding thought was that all her luggage was going to go in the sea. I am now a mother, she isn’t. People are different. She has no regrets and neither do I. I am not someone who would do something because of society’s expectations really. There was certainly no pressure from family and friends. Having my child felt like a biological need to me but if I hadn’t really wanted to be a Mum then I wouldn’t have thought twice about not being one. There are lots of plus sides of keeping your independent lifestyle too.

Never wanted kids , felt no pressure at all just annoyance that people felt they could push their opinions on me. However fell pg accidentally at 37 and when I found out, that biological drive kicked in , I was so excited.
Happy with ds , Never had any more though or wanted any more !
I think it's really silly when I hear women say they wanted their child to have a sibling or want to give a 3 year old a sister because they feel sorry for them.

That's lovely @Edgeofacoin . Enjoy those newborn cuddles.

@Dazedandconfused10

I don't feel any pressure to have kids. Never have biologically, societally, it's never been a consideration for me, I've always known I won't be having any.

Same for me, I’m 50 & absolutely no regrets

I wonder if the "expectation" is really more of an assumption, just because the majority of people do have children. I knew as a teenager I didn't want children but it was the way other people spoke about their desire for children that convinced me not having any was the right decision for me because I simply didn't feel that drive.

Questions and comments which assume you will have children it's just a case of when can become irritating as can the assertion you'll change you mind if you say you're not planning any. There have been times I've felt judged for it, always by women who have children, but it's just made me wonder how happy they are with their choices because it's a non issue for the majority of people. Some women are curious about how I knew I didn't want any but equally I've been curious about how they did, those conversations are simply about our individual experiences and I've not felt judged or pressured.

I'm nearly 50 now and I think people are less likely to assume everyone will want or have children. I have no regrets and neither do my friends who have had children. It's great that everyone is happy with their choices and those who wanted children were able to have them.

No, I don't think I'd have kids if it hadn't been expected.

32 and can’t imagine having children. I’m getting married next year and I’m sure the pressure to have them will ramp up once that’s done.

I'm 56 and knew when I was 13 I didn't want children. No biological urges and no regrets. Plenty of expectations and pressure but I'm very good at dealing with that

If there's no 'societal pressure' can someone tell me why a woman's right to bodily autonomy is ignored when she wants to be sterilised. We had to fight tooth and nail and finally settle for DH having a vasectomy. It's completely wrong.

I'm asian and it is still a given that once you are married kids will be the next step. I waited a year after getting married to try for a baby. I had moved to where my dh lived prior and wanted to find a job and get established first. It worked out well, I managed to save for a deposit for our first home. In that time I did get asked by mil, Dh's gran and aunties as they were concerned if everything was OK because I hadn't conceived. I didn't particularly enjoy having to explain myself because he wasn't asked the same questions . It was hard for them to unslderstand that my career is simportant and I didn't want kids straight away. As it happened I had two under two and then have just had my third, everyone else in his extended family has either one or two children.

As for having kids I knew by 16 I wanted 3 or 4 but couldn't imagine life without any. I've always known I wanted them and am very content with my lot. It is hard and involves plenty of sacrifices but I have a great life partner in my dh who absolutely shares the load.

For those who are ambivalent then why not just see where life takes you? There is no right or wrong, just what works for you!

@Valeriane

I think having kids makes it easier to answer the big existential questions about your life. Kids create restrictions and there's something almost relieving about having options taken away because of the kids. Kids also create a natural kind of pathway you dont have to think about too much. Yeah you have other stuff going on in your life, but for nearly 2 decades your focus is on raising your kids and doing right by them. It's enough to occupy a lifetime, never mind all the work stuff, friends and family on top of that. When you don't have kids it feels like you dont have that pre made pathway there for you. You miss quite a few tick box moments. It can be hard to grasp what you feel your life is about. It almost feels like you really have to search for some kind of meaning, whereas when you have kids, some kind of basic meaning is already there: your job is to raise them (alongside the other parts of yourself you fulfil). Having kids almost absolves you of some kind of pressure I feel. You can have two women being asked "so tell me about yourself". One will simply say "well, I'm a mum to two boys", and everyone will smile and just kind of accept it. The other woman doesnt have kids, and will almost have to work harder to explain who she is.

These are all just my impressions and how I feel. I dont have kids and I dont think I want them. I'm 35 and ultimately I just dont want the commitment or weight of them. But I do think they give you social "heft". I think my life would physically and emotionally be much harder with them, but intellectually having kids would make my life easier.

This is such an insightful post. It captures a lot of how I feel about not having children. To the point I assumed at first it was by someone else who had chosen not to have them.

Never wanted them, but I do feel like in society’s eyes there is a void. Not necessarily that people are judging, but that without children I should be doing so much more with my life. I feel like I need an excuse when I’m tired, for example, or that I should have an amazing career. Little comments people make about how children have stopped them doing x, y or z. I find myself thinking it’s just getting older or comfortable in our lives that stops most of us from these things! After all, children don’t stop everyone from giving up their jobs and travelling the world or whatever else it might be.

It definitely wasn't societal pressure for me, as I really wanted them from around age 15. In fact I bowed to societal expectations from the other direction and had a career and got married first, then had kids in my early 30s.

The proportion of childfree women is gradually increasing and has been for several decades. I think more women are realising they don't have to do what's 'expected' of them.

But the UK economy is geared towards facilitating people to have families - look at all the tax credits & benefits you automatically get when you have a child - totally non-means-tested free things for pregnant women such as prescriptions and dental care - funded childcare and so on. It's no wonder many women still don't consider that there are other life choices - everything around them is telling them that starting a family is the correct and natural thing to do.

@Valeriane

I think having kids makes it easier to answer the big existential questions about your life. Kids create restrictions and there's something almost relieving about having options taken away because of the kids. Kids also create a natural kind of pathway you dont have to think about too much. Yeah you have other stuff going on in your life, but for nearly 2 decades your focus is on raising your kids and doing right by them. It's enough to occupy a lifetime, never mind all the work stuff, friends and family on top of that. When you don't have kids it feels like you dont have that pre made pathway there for you. You miss quite a few tick box moments. It can be hard to grasp what you feel your life is about. It almost feels like you really have to search for some kind of meaning, whereas when you have kids, some kind of basic meaning is already there: your job is to raise them (alongside the other parts of yourself you fulfil). Having kids almost absolves you of some kind of pressure I feel. You can have two women being asked "so tell me about yourself". One will simply say "well, I'm a mum to two boys", and everyone will smile and just kind of accept it. The other woman doesnt have kids, and will almost have to work harder to explain who she is.

These are all just my impressions and how I feel. I dont have kids and I dont think I want them. I'm 35 and ultimately I just dont want the commitment or weight of them. But I do think they give you social "heft". I think my life would physically and emotionally be much harder with them, but intellectually having kids would make my life easier.

Couldn't agree more @Valeriane, really well put.

I do wonder why that is though, and if part of that is social expectation. As in, why does "im a mum of two boys" feel like a complete answer? Is it because society considers that as a woman's objective ticked off? After all, I doubt that many men only describe themselves in the context of their parental status - why is that?

It's an interesting topic, as other PP have said, can you ever truly pick apart your motivations?

Never wanted them, but I do feel like in society’s eyes there is a void. Not necessarily that people are judging, but that without children I should be doing so much more with my life. I feel like I need an excuse when I’m tired, for example, or that I should have an amazing career.

Oh yes there is definitely Italy an expectation that if you don’t have children you should be doing something amazing instead like being a successful businesswoman or having a stellar career or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for charity or something. . Like you have to make up for it in some way.

We are animals, thus we have a drive to reproduce.

As a species we are extremely successful at this and at surviving, so we can tolerate a relatively high "fail" rate of people refusing to reproduce. Luckily though, they are massively offset by the many other people who do successfully produce young.

It wasn't an expectation for me, quite the opposite in fact. I was youngish so the pressure was to pursue a career and postpone babies for a decade or forever.

I still desperately wanted DC's. So I had them. For me it was a deep biological urge. I had them despite huge difficulties and barriers.

It's sad to think some are born just to fit in

I knew I always wanted children, 4 to be precise. We ttc for 5 years and over that time I started to feel maybe I didn’t want them after all although I think maybe it was a protective emotional thing because I felt so useless at my inability to conceive. Decided eventually to try ivf, and got pregnant on our first round with my DTs.

I’d still like 4 kids, but the reality of my having twins is I can’t handle anymore kids. I don’t feel our family is complete, but another round of twins would finish me off