...to want another baby at 45

[Mushroomlover]

We have two DC aged 16 and 13. About 10 years ago DH and I had a talk about whether we wanted any more. He said he was happy to do whatever I wanted and I said what I thought at the time, which is that I was very happy with two.

However for the last year I have found myself longing for another baby. I'm struggling to know whether this is really what I want or just a response to a sort of early-onset empty nest syndrome I've been feeling (my DC are still at home, than goodness, but I'm really aware that they won't be forever). I also don't have any sense of what my odds would be of getting pregnant at this age. I'm in good health (bit overweight but can diet) and no signs of perimenopause. Is there any way I can check my fertility?

Wondered whether anyone had been through this?

(That said, the Downs risk depends entirely on one's access to the NIPT test and feelings about termination. If you can get the NIPT test and would terminate, then your odds of having a baby with Downs is basically zero; the test is pretty much 100% accurate. The majority of babies with Downs are born to women under 35---partly because women under 35 have most of the babies, but also because those women tend not to have the NIPT test, and are less likely to terminate if a trisomy is found)

[quote Megalameg]@MimiDaisy11

Not everyone has dreams to become a globetrotter you know.[/quote]
Of course and that’s why I asked the question (Don’t you have things you’ve dreamed of doing when your children become independent?) and gave travelling as an example (Like travelling?) . There are obviously other hobbies and interests that are hard to do if you have a baby.

@Poppets14

My opinion- your too old

Sorry it’s harsh- my mum had me at 40. Its very challenging having an older parent. I think it affected me mentally so much!
She’s 75 now and needs so much help which is hard when I’ve got a young child to look after.
I had to grow up fast!

In this case there are older siblings that will be better placed to help. It’s quite different to having your first at that age

Your to old sorry.
Also why an earth do people want to bring babies into the world when it's been confirmed we are fucked and the planets going to heat up by 2oC.

Just hormones tricking you OP. I know I will always feel like I want another baby & my two are 20 & 18 now, I also know on a practical level, I wouldn’t be able to cope with one though! I think you tend to look back with Rose tinted specs etc. It’s hard, bring up baby in yours twenties and thirties. Would you really want to go back to, sleepless nights, nappies, weening, potty training, endless nursery/school runs? Also chances of falling pregnant are slim, how would like make you feel? How would your children feel about a new sibling? So much to consider. Wishing all the best with whatever choice you make.

@TaraRhu

Just imagine it was twins. That's what I think of when I'm broody...

😂sounds a good strategy OP! That really made me laugh!

You couldn't pay me.
I'm 38 and wouldn't have the energy to deal with a toddler. Sod that.

I wouldn’t. I’m 39 and have a 7 month old. Would I ideally have liked another? Yes probably. But the thought of doing this again at 42/43 fills me with horror 😂 and I have a “good” baby.

In this case there are older siblings that will be better placed to help

Why should they?!

Children often dont leave home until mid 20's these days. If baby followed suit, you would be 70 plus before they left home.

This is a well known phenomenon op; a last broody patch before menopause. I had the same thing. Don't think about the dimply baby part. Quite a few 60 year olds have fifteen year olds. But think about having a 20 year old when you are 65, and a 25 year old whose frontal cortex has only just fully formed when you are 70 (because many of them do bounce back from uni nowadays). Horses for courses but personally, although I love my teens to death, I was surprised at the work involved (they are always hungry and need quite a lot of emotional support and parental involvement) and I am very happy that dh and I will be having some freedom soon. I have given my all to parenting and had some great times but the teen years have been a bit hellish tbh (not helped by pandemic). I want some time for myself while I am still fit enough to enjoy it. Good luck with your decision

You certainly can’t assume a young person would want to help with a baby sibling. Why on earth should they?

I have two lovely easy girls and so looking forward to the third stage doing my own stuff rather than going back to caring responsibilities.

Also you are likely to be in the firing line for helping your parents? One lovely friend of mine in her late 40s had a mother with severe dementia that came on fast two late primary kids and her own health problem that came out of nowhere she was slim fit health concious. A new baby is insane sorry.

Don’t fall for it op, your body is tricking you into thinking you want a baby, you don’t, not really, just ride it out and the broodiness will pass.
Your 45 so not a good age for a baby , also how old is your DH? Seems like a double dose of old eggs and old sperm= not the best outcome. I would be very worried about having a child with severe additional needs and that’s going to be a long way from your dreams.

I sometimes feel like this Op. I'm mid forties.

I sober myself up by reframing it as "Do I want to parent a teenager when I'm a pensioner?"

I might be a grandmother in ten years and so might you. I'm trying to embrace this stage of life rather than looking back fondly at the baby years of motherhood.

Nah, don’t do it. Your kids are at a great age and you’re just getting close to when you’ll have complete freedom. You don’t want to start all over again, surely. Plus, will you feel bad that a new baby doesn’t have a sibling who is close in age? I’m loving it now my son is 18. We have a totally different relationship and I couldn’t imagine doing the whole baby/toddler/school thing again.

@statetrooperstacey

There are literally many tests mothers can take to see if it’s likely they will have a special needs child - and in most cases it’s still not that likely. The risks presented by older sperm are minuscule and over represented on this site bizzarely because some women here like to pretend men suffer serious fertility ageing issues too when their risks are practically negligible - so they give bad advice to women which isn’t practically true or helpful at all.

At 45 you're unlikely to carry a healthy baby to term. Those are the statistics. I wish they weren't because I'm in my 40s and would love another baby but facts are facts.

@bonfireheart

With any decision like this I find sitting down and why down thoughts help

• why its good idea to have baby 3
• why it's not a good idea to have baby 3

Use this to decide, using head more than heart.

Your age
The age gaps
How baby would fit in with work...family...lifestyle...size of house...finances
How old you would be when child left school
Your general health - physical n mental
Hubby on board?
Both DC on board?

All of these! It can be wonderful to have another baby but you may be surprised at how much a younger child at a different development stage can change the family dynamic. Things that you can enjoy with your older children at the moment can be harder eg outdoor pursuits/cinema/theatre trips etc - you may not be in to those things though! Just worth a thought.

I think it would be selfish OP IMO, if you had no children I could understand but you already have 2. What about becoming a foster parent if you feel like you're going to miss having children around?

My two friends who were in their 40’s when they had their babies would have claimed they loved it then but it is a very different matter 10 years on. Both have started having health problems, both struggle to keep up with pre teen boys who want to play football, ride bikes and go climbing. They worry about the future and paying for university.
My ex mil had an accidental pregnancy in her forties and she has struggled with her physical and mental health ever since, gestational diabetes turned into type 2 diabetes and the sleepless night coincided with menopause which has left her unable to sleep 20 years on.

@Tal45

I think it would be selfish OP IMO, if you had no children I could understand but you already have 2. What about becoming a foster parent if you feel like you're going to miss having children around?

This is a good idea and worth looking into. We know people who fostered in their late 50s/60s. It was lovely for them and the children.

@Comedycook

In this case there are older siblings that will be better placed to help

Why should they?!

I actually was answering to the question about children of older parents being burdened with their elder care—it’s a concern, but in this case, she also has two older children better able to assist her in old age.

All the PPs saying you will be mistaken for their Gran at school plus out and about obviously live in an area were most parents are under 35.

I live in an area were most parents are older. If you look like a parent and you are under 30 or just simply look it you get shit. I only realised this when I went to a baby group when other mums were refusing to talk to a younger mum. (She was lovely most of the rest of them were stuck up.)

Likewise with children's activities like soft play it's the younger parents who get the dirty looks.

Btw I'm 46 with a 3 year old. I refuse to have anymore children because I don't want twins plus my child has a half-sibling. Anyway if you have a maternal family history of women having children in their 40s - like I have - you probably will be ok.

Oh I see what you mean....I thought you meant the older kids could help look after the younger one!