...to want another baby at 45

[Mushroomlover]

We have two DC aged 16 and 13. About 10 years ago DH and I had a talk about whether we wanted any more. He said he was happy to do whatever I wanted and I said what I thought at the time, which is that I was very happy with two.

However for the last year I have found myself longing for another baby. I'm struggling to know whether this is really what I want or just a response to a sort of early-onset empty nest syndrome I've been feeling (my DC are still at home, than goodness, but I'm really aware that they won't be forever). I also don't have any sense of what my odds would be of getting pregnant at this age. I'm in good health (bit overweight but can diet) and no signs of perimenopause. Is there any way I can check my fertility?

Wondered whether anyone had been through this?

@springletter

Very interesting that almost all the people saying "don't do it" are those who haven't done it themselves!

I have a friend who had her youngest in her late 40s. It was and is absolutely fine.

Only you know your circumstances OP. Trust yourself and ignore all the doom merchants on here. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I'm not saying don't do it, I'm sharing my observations of friends who have. None of them regret having their child, but they don't hide the challenges either. As you say, only the OP knows her circumstances.

@springletter

Very interesting that almost all the people saying "don't do it" are those who haven't done it themselves!

I have a friend who had her youngest in her late 40s. It was and is absolutely fine.

Only you know your circumstances OP. Trust yourself and ignore all the doom merchants on here. Good luck with whatever you decide.

WTF are you on about? Loads of people on here have had a baby past 43/44 - or know people who have. And most of them say 'don't do it!!!' And the rest who are saying 'don't do it' are 50+ and know damn well they would NEVER cope with - or want - a toddler/infant in their mid 50s, because of how tired and weary you are, how selfish it would be, how it would affect your other children, and how it would rob you of your newly found freedom, and ability to just swan off out for a meal or a coffee with friends.

You'd have years of extra sleepless nights, bed wetting and toddler/infant whining, restrictions on your job and career, and you would be doing the school run and all the school politics bollocks and have all that extra expense for another 18 years. Fuck that!

In addition, as a poster said further back, you will have very few (or no) peers to become friends with, because so few women have babies past 43/44... .

Everyone will think you're the child's granny, and you would have a child still at uni when you're a pensioner, and that child would probably be your carer when they're still in their 20s and at a point in their lives where they should be enjoying life.

It's remarkably selfish to have a baby past the age of 43/44. No thought for the child at all

Its all very well calling us naysayers "doom mongers" but the simple fact is that the older a woman is when she gets pg the more likely she is to miscarry, more likely to have a still birth and more likely to have life altering birth injuries happen to her and the child.

Add in the age of the father there is a vastly increased likelihood of genetice disorders, learning disabilities and other life altering conditions.

It really isnt as simple as popping out a baby. I say this as the mother of a child who was born with cerebal palsy when I was young, I struggled then I certainly would not manage if I were to have him now.

My mum was like this after 5 children and dad got her a dog.
Are you sure you are just not thinking this is the last chance saloon ie you are permenopausal and thinking its my last chance?

Interesting how the OP posted this thread, with a frankly, controversial topic, and has not returned. She posted the first post, and has not been on here since.

@Mushroomlover why have you not come back to your thread?

My odds of having a baby with Downs at 38 = 1:250
Babies = exhausting, waking up every 3 or 4 hours a night, teething, terrible 2 tantrums, oldest mum in the schoolyard....
Teenagers = exhausting, not doing school work, going AWOL, drunk, argumentative, bad relationships, falling out with friends
GCSEs - you'll be 62,
A Levels you'll be 64,
University graduation 67.

Why would you?

And this is why I have so many dogs! I had the mad rush of hormone at about 42-44 and my sex drive went crazy.. it's nature saying "last chance" the urge is real.

Chances of a miscarriage:
Mother's age >45 75%-95%

Risks

It’s essential to understand how your age impacts your fertility when you are trying to conceive (TTC) or thinking about conceiving soon. Here are some of the ways in which your age may impact the risks of pregnancy.

Miscarriage
The risk of having a miscarriage in your 40s is nearly 50%, more than three times that of a woman in her 20s. The younger you are, the less likely you are to miscarry, given that you are otherwise healthy. That’s because the genetic mutations that cause most miscarriages become more common as women age. It’s estimated that half of all miscarriages are caused by extra or missing chromosomes.

Pregnancy Complications
Certain complications in the mum or the baby become more common as women age. For example:

Preeclampsia is a syndrome combining high blood pressure with signs of kidney and liver damage during pregnancy. It is more common in mothers aged 40 and older.

Premature birth (birth before 37 weeks gestation) frequently causes low birth weight, which can lead to complications in the health of the infant. Research suggests that women over age 40 are more likely to give birth prematurely.

Some women develop high blood sugar during pregnancy, known as gestational diabetes, which increases their risk of developing type II diabetes later in life. Compared with women ages 20 to 29, women in their 40s are three to six times more likely to develop gestational diabetes.

Sometimes, pregnancies may implant outside the uterus, most commonly in the fallopian tubes. These pregnancies are not viable due to growth restriction and can threaten the mother’s life if they cause the fallopian tubes to rupture. Women over 40 are at the highest risk of having an ectopic pregnancy when compared to women in other demographics.

Birth Defects
Birth defects are most often caused by genetic abnormalities in the egg that becomes fertilized. As we stated previously, these genetic abnormalities become more common in a woman’s eggs as she gets older.

The most common types of genetic abnormalities affect chromosomes. Normally, babies are born with two copies of each chromosome and when a baby is born with too many or too few chromosomes, they may develop health problems, such as learning disabilities or structural defects in the organs.

Down Syndrome, caused by an extra copy of chromosome 21 (known as trisomy 21), is one of the most well-known genetic birth defects. Mothers over the age of 40 are significantly more likely to give birth to a baby with Down Syndrome. By the age of 40, your odds of giving birth to a baby with Down syndrome are 1 in 70; by age 45, the odds increase to 1 in 19.

With two children already, no, I wouldn't.
Find a lovely hobby, or start planning some exciting travel/holidays.

It really does sound like your hormones talking OP. Why now? Why not 5 or 10 years ago? You are going to be an empty nester eventually regardless.

I often have an urge for another baby. But I am absolutely sure it is hormones. If I even think about it logically for more than 1 minute I know that.

I have two friends who both had children at age 45 and love it.

I’m 48 and have been mega broody for a while. Had my coil out two years ago and not a peep! So I think my mind is willing (mad !) but my eggs are not.

Totally get you though op!

@Coconuttts

Much as we would like to deny it, we grow older. Do you really want a baby, or to turn back the clock to when you were a younger mum? Think very hard

this post really resonated with me.

I think fondly of the baby/toddler/young kids years. they were hard and great at the same time. I'd love to be that young again and revisit those years but I know I couldn't do it by having another baby.

Dh's family came in two parts - older part and huge gap (like OP is proposing) and younger 2. Their mother wasn't 45 having the youngest though - was about 41.

honestly it is lovely and they love each other and I wouldn't be without any of my in-laws but ...

having the new baby (especially the first one) had a really really hard effect on in-laws marriage. MIL has said this to me.

Teen siblings adored the younger ones but were leaned on for babysitting and felt they missed out on a lot

Younger ones didn't get the same childhood (I was around by then). less energy, less focus, less bringing around for intensive sport and music etc. Older dad didn't want kids in the house for play dates etc. then suddenly the youngest was the last left at home in late teens and got all sorts of focus and money and spoiling - it wasn't good for him.

It wouldn't be for me.

I had my much loved 4th child much later than the other 3. They adore her and she them but they have their own lives and she often feels abandoned. She also feels left out of so many shared memories of things they and we all did before she came along. Its not that we all had a life before but that she doesn't have that experience.

There was a time in my mid 40s that I considered another child but I also knew hormones were at play. The stage didn't last long, thankfully and I thoroughly enjoy the freedom I have now that my youngest is older. And I adore the dog I got instead

I had a surprise baby after a 21 year gap. Older DCs are like another layer of parents but they all get on great. My oldest grandson is only two years younger so they get on well. It’s tiring and teenage years were very challenging but I wouldn’t be without him !

OMG think of the homework. Doing comprehensions/times tables/ spellings night after night again. I’m mid forties with children 8 and under and that thought alone makes me want to use 3 forms of contraception.

I was the same at 44. Had to have radical hysterectomy at 45 and now - 48 - I think that rather traumatic surgery was a blessing, and not just for my health and comfort!
I would either have a) most likely struggled to fall pregnant and ended up obsessed and increasingly upset or
b) been successful and now be wading through the toddler stage, but this time, with full awareness of what the teenage/young adult years could dump on me, and that this could actually be the easy bit.

Are your teens really good kids or something?

I’m the same, have a 12yo and a 17yo and have been tossing up having a baby (I am a bit younger though). I’m pretty sure it’s just the hormones talking because I do NOT want another teenager.

The last 12 months of my life have been nothing but stress and worry over the oldest, and now my youngest has started the teenage bullshit and I have to do it all over again.

Cute cuddly babies don’t stay cute and cuddly forever.

As an aside though, mumsnet is a shit place to ask about having more kids. People around here seem to really dislike kids, and any more than one or two, you’re murdering the planet, are doing a disservice to your current children and they will hate you and their sibling, and you will drop dead of exhaustion by 40.

Only YOU know what is right for your family. Strangers on the internet don’t know you.

Do you want to be dealing with a teenager when in your 60s? That's what put us off.

Oh hell no.

Don’t you have things you’ve dreamed of doing when your children become independent? Like travelling? Putting it further back until you’re late 60s or longer might reduce the places you can go to.

I'm in my early 50s and way too knackered to be dealing with a small child. As others have said, do not underestimate how much the menopause can knock the stuffing out of you! Get a couple of kittens instead.

There’s nothing crazy about this at all. If you weren’t meant to be able to have kids at 45 then you wouldn’t be able to have a baby at 45. Yes the chances of difficulties increases but they’re still not that high.

If you really are dead set on it I’d give it a shot and see what happens. Since you are 45, if you do have difficulty conceiving, I’d just accept it isn’t meant to be as you probably don’t have time for lengthy methods of intervention anyway.

@MimiDaisy11

Not everyone has dreams to become a globetrotter you know.