Bridezilla?

[weddingdramagreat]

Live in London, getting married 3 hours outside of London in my hometown in March.

I have invited the 3 bridesmaids down the evening before to have dinner together and to make things easier as we are up reasonably early the next day.

We are paying for the dresses, hair and makeup, accommodation and all food and drink over the weekend.

The caveat is that they are sharing rooms (2 in one and the other in a room with her husband).

One is now refusing to come down the night before because she hates sharing rooms and says 'it's ridiculous to be asked to share at our age' (we are all 32). She's single and no kids so has no commitments in London she needs to stay for.

Travelling down the morning of the wedding means things could go wrong / she might be late etc and also I was hoping to spend the morning with my close friends on my wedding day.

AIBU to think it's ok to share rooms occasionally in times like this, just for 2 nights? Or are we being demanding / stingey?

@Brefugee same here. I’m up and down all night, and have terrible stomach issues. People think I’m precious for not sharing, maybe I am but it would be a horrible experience and it’s not worth it if I can at all help it.

Why would it cause stress for her to come on the day? Is she normally late to things? Or is she a reliable functioning adult? You’ve thought she is sensible enough to be your bridesmaid and presumably she has accepted, surely you can rely on her to show up on time?
I don’t understand the room situation. You have bought a room, and she doesn’t want to share. If I had 2 friends who were both single I would assume they would want to share to keep their costs down but I think it’s very unusual to want them to share if they don’t want to? Especially if they can just get their own room? Sorry but I t sounds a tiny bit controlling.
Hope you resolve it and your wedding goes well.

Where are you sleeping OP?

I thought it was usual for the bride to share with one if the bridesmaids the night before and fur everyone to start getting ready early.

If she wants her own room (for whatever reason) she should pay the extra without whinging. If she wasn't to travel up on the morning of the wedding she's cutting it a bit fine- but worst case scenario is she doesn't make it, which will be her loss.

I do think you do need to relax about it, have a chat with her and tell her how much extra her own room will be.

Gosh you're getting a hard tone on here op. FWIW I think you've been very generous and your friend very rude and entitled. If I were her I would either consider paying for my own room (because ultimately that is what she'd have to do - another room is going to cost the price of another room - and suck up the fact my friend is therefore going to get a room for herself for free) or travel down the morning before, getting up at 5am if needs be. What I wouldn't be is rude and ungrateful.

*time

*If she wasn't to travel up on the morning of the wedding she's cutting it a bit fine-
But we don't know this because we don't know what time the wedding is. *

@Cosyblankets it's 1pm but we have to start getting quite early at 8.30am.

In theory she could miss the getting ready part and just come in time for the wedding but then what's the point in being a bridesmaid.

I don't have an additional room for her. We are staying at a venue - it has enough rooms for our families, bridesmaids and ushers (if non partnered people share with their close friends). There aren't anymore rooms unless we ask some people to be three to a room so she can have her own.

We paid extra to take all the rooms, thinking we were helping. But she can of course go and find a hotel nearby.

Sounds like you had good intentions but hadn’t thought it through that some people may not be comfortable sharing. It’s quite possible she has embarrassing health issues she hasn’t told you about, like period problems, bowel issues or continence problem/night urgency.

I get you’re disappointed she isn’t coming the night before, but maybe she can’t afford to pay for a hotel nearby and taxis to and from the venue. It could be an issue of not wanting to travel a long way after work on the Friday? Or use a day of AL to travel.

Presumably you have a room to yourself?

I know it’s too late to change it now, but a fairer way to split the rooms in future would be to offer each bridesmaid a room and give them the option of sharing. It’s not essential to have partners stay the night before, and quite unusual to offer free rooms to ushers.

@FateHasRedesignedMost there are no health issues.

She would tell me. We talk about everything like that. Periods, poo, sex.

Based on this thread, it's because she sees it as a 'slight' that she's sharing because she's single.

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP. You sound like you have been very generous over bridesmaids dresses and done the best you can over rooms. Your bridesmaids response sounds a bit petty to me given the background of her sharing happily previously. Try to ignore it and not let it affect your day.

[quote weddingdramagreat]@Cosyblankets it's 1pm but we have to start getting quite early at 8.30am.

In theory she could miss the getting ready part and just come in time for the wedding but then what's the point in being a bridesmaid.

I don't have an additional room for her. We are staying at a venue - it has enough rooms for our families, bridesmaids and ushers (if non partnered people share with their close friends). There aren't anymore rooms unless we ask some people to be three to a room so she can have her own.

We paid extra to take all the rooms, thinking we were helping. But she can of course go and find a hotel nearby. [/quote]
Traditionally the point of being a bridesmaid is to participate in the wedding ceremony. Not serve as a lady in waiting for 24+ hours.

An archaic term is "honor attendant" meaning these are your most honored guests, who have a small extra role. Emphasis on 'guest,' v helper.

Somehow that has evolved over the past 30 years into the expectation that these people must cheerfully do anything the bride wants leading up to the actual ceremony. Which is fine for those who enjoy it but a bit grim for those who don't.

@KosherDill but even if it's not your bag, would you not do it for one evening for the sake of your friend on her special day? Have been reading another thread this morning about a wedding abroad for a week that the bridesmaid has to pay for. That's taking the piss, the OP here isn't.

@KosherDill I've invited them for a free dinner out the night before and then free hair and makeup (they can choose the style)

I'm sure my mother can help me put my dress on to avoid my friends feeling like servants

Guessing no one has never wanted you to be a BM? What I'm asking is very common.

[quote Sarcobaleno]@KosherDill but even if it's not your bag, would you not do it for one evening for the sake of your friend on her special day? Have been reading another thread this morning about a wedding abroad for a week that the bridesmaid has to pay for. That's taking the piss, the OP here isn't. [/quote]
I probably would, but maybe the room sharing was the final straw. We don't know.

The OP statement that as the bridesmaid has no husband or child she should be able to accommodate the bride was off putting. As though single people's other life concerns and responsibilities are trivial. I wonder how pervasive this attitude is in their friends circle and if bridesmaid is fed up. Clearly there is something going on.

@KosherDill it was context. I have already said this but the question around DC would have been asked as if she had DC then of course she couldn't come down the night before. Or even if it was a dog, it would be tricky.

If someone has a commitment at home, then it's different from 'I could easily be there, I'm free and can be. Just don't want to'

Which is fine. Just don't be a bridesmaid.

[quote weddingdramagreat]@KosherDill I've invited them for a free dinner out the night before and then free hair and makeup (they can choose the style)

I'm sure my mother can help me put my dress on to avoid my friends feeling like servants

Guessing no one has never wanted you to be a BM? What I'm asking is very common.[/quote]
I've been a bridesmaid in four weddings but in the 1990s it wasn't customary to be on call for several days.

I'm just trying to point out that sometimes in their intense focus, the marrying couple tend to forget that their wedding is not a huge be-all, end-all for everyone else. And that people are sacrificing time, money, vacation leave, mental energy, etc. to be of service. It adds up.

Of course people are happy for you but they have their own lives, too.

@KosherDill they aren't 'on call'

I have invited them out for dinner the night before.

I have literally asked nothing else of them other than this.

Because she is single and no kids can just fit in, people thing single people are just jeolous of them when really it because we are deemed less important. Think it's different if you asked first and they was close previously. Like with my wedding I got mini apartment style room and grouped people up who was close. For my cousins I paid for a 4 room apartment for a few nights said dad had his own room as was driving my father in law to the airport early the next day. After that they could argue it out between themselves lol......maybe she has IBS or another health issue she don't want to share. This is not a 1950 marriage and kids are not the only determines of life experience and illness.

For what it's worth OP, despite some of the comments on here I don't think you're being remotely unreasonable, your friend is. Feels utterly normal to want to spend the night before having a nice meal with your bridal party, and the morning getting ready together (and is what I recently did too), and very generous you are paying for everything. Also seems completely normal for two bridesmaids who have been friends a long time to share a room for two nights. I was single for a long time before I met my now husband so I was the one for ages either sharing the room with a girlfriend or paying the cost of a room for myself - that's just life.
And now to be honest although me and all my girlfriends are married wouldn't have an issue sharing a room with one of them if we were away just us without partners for something. Sorry that doesn't help with her unreasonable demands, guess as you just say ok, am already paying for so much if you want your own room you'll need to pay for that yourself or come down the morning of, but need to be here by 08:30 for hair and make up. She'll probably back down as less convenient for her to have to get up so early.

@JessieLongleg

"Like with my wedding I got mini apartment style room and grouped people up who was close"

So you asked people that knew each other well to share.... exactly the same as me then...

I don’t see the issue. I shared a room at my friends wedding with the other bridesmaid, who I’d never met before. Didn’t bother me and we had a whale of a time as the bride knew we’d get on really well.

Oh and I left my DH and DD at home, and stayed for 2 days before and one day after. 4 hours away from home and ended up taking a random guest who’d got stuck (missed their train) home with me as they live in the same town as me.

You say they aren’t ‘on call’ but you expect them to arrive the night before for their ‘free dinner’ and so they can help you get ready in the morning. How is that not being on call?

A free meal and a shared hotel room may not be much incentive for them to take an extra day off work/travel a long way in a hurry. Presumably they’re paying for their own travel and will be giving you expensive wedding gifts. The costs of being a bridesmaid can quickly spiral!

Yes it would be nice if they were all there to watch you get into your bridal gown. But you seem to view their free hair and make up as a perk, rather than a requirement for your wedding. Do brides pay for the bridesmaids hair and make up out of kindness? I thought it’s part of achieving the whole professional formal look (which your photos will reflect). Not everyone enjoys having their hair and make up done. I’ve endured it for various weddings but it’s far from a ‘treat’ 😂
Like the dresses, they may have chosen the style and colour but I assume you had the final say so they coordinated. Did you also pay for their shoes, wraps, accessories or did they have to?

Do you have your own room or are you sharing with a bridesmaid?

@FateHasRedesignedMost I'm mentioning it was free because tbh so many weddings aren't and cost the bridal party a lot to attend.

I was a BM at one (and so was my BM) in Spain pre covid. We all took 4 days off work and none of the costs were covered.

We've not asked for gifts or money but yes they will have to pay for their own petrol.

I'm sharing with my sister the night before. The night of the wedding, she's staying with her Dh who will be there.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

"Presumably they’re paying for their own travel and will be giving you expensive wedding gifts. The costs of being a bridesmaid can quickly spiral!"

The above would be the same for any guest at any wedding.... except we aren't asking for gifts

Op I suggest you repost this as a reverse, in the role of the ungrateful and outraged bridesmaid, and watch the baying AIBU crowd tear 'her' to pieces.

Sometimes you just can't win