I am SO effing sick of this house!

[bunnybopbop]

I have nothing more to give. I'm so burnt out.

Usual household. 1 year old and a husband man child. Everywhere is always a fucking mess. Toys everywhere. I polish and clean and within minutes there's chocolate stains and smears over the telly and coffee table. Toys absolutely everywhere. I've just spend ages scrubbing shit off the floor where DD had an explosion. There's mountains of rubbish where our bin gets emptied once every 14 days. I'll clean every room everyday and it's honestly like pissing in the wind. Sorry for my language I just need to rant. Piles of washing, sort that and there's a pile more by the end of the day chucked in the corner. Washing up!! My god! (Don't have a dishwasher and we rent so can't buy one/no room) I'll wash up. Make dinner and it's a shit heap again. I'll clean the bog, DH will come home and own the throne and have a bath / shave. Hair everywhere and the loo is full of lime scale. Nothing ever looks nice. Mountains of ironing to do. I work 3 days a week and the other days I'm looking after DD, attending medical appointments (recent cancer & on long term medication with complications.) How do people do it? People with more children, or bigger households?

I'm. So. Burnt. Out.
DH is a chronic snorer so I'm on 4 hours of sleep everyday because he won't get his arse into gear and sort it out. We're thankfully moving on 11th to a 3 bed. With dishwasher. I'll probably spend more time in the spare room and it'll put an even bigger wedge on our marriage. And he wonders why I have zero energy for a sex life.

I'm so done. I get zero help. I've tried and tried and it lasts 2 days and that's it. Some days im bed bound due to the medication and nothing gets done. I desperately don't want my marriage to fail. I love the bones of him and it'll be SO hard to cope with it all on my own (mostly because of my complications) I have to plan what days I take what, just so I can turn up to my 3 day a week job.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I'm just staring at the shit heap of last nights curry on the work top. The house stinks of last nights dinner and I haven't even had time to have a shower yet.

How do people do it 😭 I feel so pathetic 😭

CaveWoman1

I think you should get a cleaner. But also - & I mean this in the nicest way - perhaps lower your expectations just a tad? And by that I mean of the mess, & your expectations of yourself?

No. OP does not need to lower her expectations. Her lazy DH needs to step up and do his share.

I’d start by making it clear that on the days you are ill (esp if due to medication so you have an idea of which day it is) then DH HAS TO do it all on his own. You are ill. You shouldnt be expected to still run the whole house. He should be expected to pick it all up.

FWIW I’m ill too. And DH wasn’t that keen on picking his share, let alone mine. The only thing that worked was to stop. Just stop doing it all and wait for things to accumulate. He got the message in the end but nit until I simply refuse to do anything that was too much for me and let the clutter and dirt pile on.

Your not a failure if you can't keep up with all the work, cause all the work is not soley your job . It is equally DHs. He is failing at doing even a bit of it ?!

You’re not a failure! I feel the same way you do. House is an absolute shit pit and the laundry bin is like the magic porridge pot. It all really gets me down, so much so I had a mini breakdown on Sunday about it all! Husband just doesn’t seem to notice the mess or ignores the overflowing bins etc.

My advice to you is: don’t bother with ironing clothes!! Life’s too short. And yes if you can afford a cleaner, get one! I’m sure life will be easier when you move and have a dishwasher and can get more sleep. However you must speak to your husband and tell him how you feel!

@otterlybonkers

Im always surprised even though I can generally predict it now - how advising someone who is clearly not happy to fix everything by getting a fucking cleaner. I often see fairly complex, existential life issues in these pages that usually involve marital issues, disappointment with life choices, whether child or work related, seemingly solved in one fell swoop by hiring someone to clear up the detritus.

Am I the only person on this website who suspects that the problems go a bit deeper than this?

Many, many posts of this nature appear day in day out and I highly doubt that such complex, multifaceted issues are so easily and neatly solved.
People are struggling with much more substantial circumstances than a cleaner can fix.
It is almost like the contemporary 'solution' echoing shoving valium at the problem in the 50's and 60's.
get a cleaner, and shut her up.
Hiring a fucking cleaner will not fix a marriage or a series of problematic life decisions. If only Sylvia Plath had been able to turn to mumsnet.

ffs.

I agree with you there.

I also agree that getting a better organisation system/going minimalist/decluttering are nit the answer as such.
Maybe it will help for a bit but nit in the LT for the simple reason that

• @bunnybopbop you are NOT failing if you dint manage to keep on the top of it all. You are still seriously ill (please stop with the ‘others have it worse than me’ line). You need two days a week just to vaguely keep going. You are recovering fr9 cancer. Please give yourself a break. I am sure you would never expect a perfect house and ding it all from any of your friends.

• your DH is a twat. Nit only is he a man child who can’t even look after himself and his own health. But he can’t care about you and your health either, even by cleaning a few dishes rather than leaving them on the side of the sink. You can’t cure that by going minimalist. He needs to wake up to his lack of involvement (no ‘we BOTH need to do more’ fgs) and to his selfishness towards you.

This thread has enraged me because the main solution is a cleaner, who will let's be honest probably be a woman. So OP is expected to organise another woman to do the cleaning when she supposedly has a life partner, and she's also had cancer. We really have so far to go. OP your husband sounds terrible, it's much much better to live alone even when ill than to put up with this shit. You have told him you're so upset over this that you're willing to leave and he STILL hasn't changed. You have had CANCER. He will never, ever change. What lessons are you teaching your daughter. Leave him.

Why does your 'DH' do fuck all to help?

Put away excess toys.

One load of washing per day.

Give DH a list of things to do every day.

I don't have a dishwasher or tumble drier either. People look at me aghast when I say that!

For everyone saying 'hire a cleaner'; not all of us can afford that!!!

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

Why's chocolate smeared everywhere? My DC have only ever eaten in the highchair/at the table and then get wiped, or now wash themselves.

We kept a dozen or more clean dry facecloths in a kitchen drawer.

Our babies ate in highchairs; and before they got down, their hands and faces were wiped with a damp cloth.

I used to clean houses for people like you (trained in top hotels) and when I had finished cleaning the whole house and washing and ironing, I would make something lovely for dinner and put it in the oven ready for them coming home, or prep everything ready to turn the stove on.

My practical advice to you:

1. Get a cleaner - even two hours a week will help hugely if you get a whirlwind cleaner (not some moron looking at their phone). Remember to always do a tidying blitz before the cleaner comes to get clutter put away.
2. Stop ironing. UNLESS it is formal work shirts - nothing else. I iron nothing now in a house of 4. Life is too short unless you are being paid for it.
3. Tip for you to save money - don't bother buying loads of cleaning things like ''bathroom cleaner'', ''kitchen cleaner'', ''floor cleaner'' - it's all a scam and the same stuff - buy multi surface cleaner like Flash or Tesco's own, and put a bit in an old spray bottle filled with water to dilute - you can use this for everything from showers to windows and sinks and on everything except leather and wood. Add a drop of thin bleach for dirty jobs.
4. Fly clean - 10 minutes here and ten minutes there - you can make amazing progress this way.
5. You say husband does washing up - this means before bed every night, he should completely clear the decks in the kitchen for a new day and not do a half-arsed job.
6. Snoring husband - does he have a large collar size - a thick neck? Is he overweight? This will get worse as time goes by so you need your own bedroom or he needs to see the doctor. He may have apnoea and it's no good you being kept awake.

I could say loads more practically but husband needs to do more. My husband has designated jobs but operates better when given a list (a great tip for men and boys - I don't give a shit about the politics - it works). Don't be afraid - write a massive fucking list and hand it to him. He will tick things off as he does it.

Good luck.

DH, if you won't do your share when we have a one year old and I have cancer, when do you feel the right time for you to start contributing appropriately will be?

This

He’s buying his leisure with hours of YOUR life. I was going to say he sees you as beneath contempt. But it isn’t even that. You are just a domestic appliance. The occasional whining noise you make is an irrelevance.

And it is fucking laughable that he is so fucking useless that you see the act of occasionally feeding or entertaining his child as being the benchmark for a ‘good dad‘.

I think your husband sounds like a selfish, lazy arse. He leaves you to do all that and you have cancer! What a prick!
Get rid of him and you’ll life will be better.

Yes @BillMasheen 👏

I think you need to send him an email and then arrange a meeting to discuss as you would do at work. Talking alone as you have said has gone in one ear and out the other.

Start by acknowledging that you need to rest to recover and ask him what his suggestions are.

List all the daily, weekly and monthly tasks and ask him to put his initials for half of them.

Stop doing his laundry and cleaning after him. You will need to have your own place to rest/sleep that is undisturbed so make that a priority. Give him a designated place for his stuff and if he leaves things lying around bag them up and leave next to the recycling bin. Give him the job of doing the bins.

Take it in turns to look after your dc so that you can go out, go to your parents, whatever.

Have clear time for yourself so that you can unwind and relax.

I have been married for over 25 years and I did this early on to stop anyone taking me for granted and in order to properly rest and have time to do my own thing.

You will get a lot more respect if you expect give and take in a marriage, superwoman martyrdom is not good for your physical nor mental health so don't bother.

It’s not you. You’re one person cleaning up after three people while being responsible for a child and trying to handle your own medical issues. Your supposed partner appears to have one job only, that ends at 6pm 5 days a week.

@Helpsortmylife

Why do you love this man? You are falling apart in front of him and he still isn't helping. He is completely selfish. He'd rather you were sleep deprived and worn out and crying than he takes responsibility for his own home or snoring.

100% agree with this. You have begged this man to “help” (or you know, pull his fucking weight) and he is still fucking off his responsibilities. I know it’s not as simple as LTB but christ, he is a waste of fucking space.

If he thinks he does a lot write down every single thing he does and you do and show him the disparity, in black and white he can’t bullshit you. Then fairly divide up the chores and jobs, as soon as he starts to slack you pull him on it, if he doesn’t play along he’s gone. You’re not his housekeeper / chef / arse wiper you’re his PARTNER! He needs to play his part.

Stop ironing. Get a cleaner. A couple of ready meals/pasta during the week and maybe a takeout at the weekend. I also followed the organised mum method. My house is not Instagram ready but it is livable.

To be blunt regarding the cancer, my husband currently has cancer. I do everything. His fight and job is the cancer. He is so tired and so unwell I wouldn't dream of him doing chores.
I do all the chores and am single handedly looking after all three of our children, two that are classed as disabled.
I wouldn't dream of making work for him and then falling asleep on the sofa.
He needs to get his act in gear.
Aside from that I spend my entire life tidying. Good storage does help

Oh OP you poor thing. I feel exactly the same. I have two young kids, a dishwasher and a husband who does 80% of the housework and a cleaner and the house is still a bomb site. There are just so many clothes. They multiply daily and the washing machine is always on. I’ve just stopped caring as much and am trying to accept the chaos for what it is.

You aren’t alone. Get a cleaner. Sleep in the spare room. Put yourself first

Oh yes and don’t bother ironing. Our iron hasn’t been out since February 2020.

I definitely agree your dh needs to get on board but by no means agree with leaving him!! He needs to realise how much help you need but you need to prioritise what needs to be done. We went 2 years with no dishwasher and from then on it became the deal breaker for reNting, I would never be without one long term again, but I learned a lot- I learned you can't spend your whole day washing up!! If you have a tumble drier for clothes dont be afraid to use it to give you a bit of a breather. Don't try to sort or fix toys, do that together some evening after bedtime. Same with any art. Someone was saying about cleaning sprays- washing up liquid and warm water does a lot of jobs! Windows open for a short amount of time to let the place breathe and op tell your dh you need more help than just washing up

@bunnybopbop

Would I be unreasonable to get a cleaner? Surely I should be able to do this as every other family does?

I feel like such a failure :(

Absolutely, get one! One of the things that we argue about and I can honestly say that the / JF clean we get each week has improved our marriage....partly because it means that I tidy up before the cleaner gets here, so the house doesn't ever get too bad!

Get a cleaner. Make him sleep in the spare room when you get it. I haven’t shared a bed to sleep with my husband for 8 years, our marriage is doing just fine.

Sorry to be blunt but your DH sounds like a right shithole. I can’t imagine my husband treating me like that after a recent cancer diagnosis. He needs to step up or get out.

And in terms of toys...get good storage and only let dd have access to a few things at any one time. Put all the arts and crafts and things that make a mess (puzzles, Lego, train sets etc) well out of reach and only get them down when you can face it.

Agree with the person who said don't iron. Most things can do without ironing if hung up to dry or caught at the right moment from the dryer.

A method that I have employed recently is to put a small box at the bottom and at the top of the stairs. Fill them throughout the day with stuff that needs to go up/down then at the end of each day put in the right place. Saves multiple trips up and down stairs.

Also wash by person or use those zip up laundry bags to help with sorting washing.

Skip bath time when you are too tired, ask DH to do specific jobs like take the rubbish out, clean the loo etc. Failing all of the above just go on strike and see if that the kick up the arse that he needs!