I am SO effing sick of this house!

[bunnybopbop]

I have nothing more to give. I'm so burnt out.

Usual household. 1 year old and a husband man child. Everywhere is always a fucking mess. Toys everywhere. I polish and clean and within minutes there's chocolate stains and smears over the telly and coffee table. Toys absolutely everywhere. I've just spend ages scrubbing shit off the floor where DD had an explosion. There's mountains of rubbish where our bin gets emptied once every 14 days. I'll clean every room everyday and it's honestly like pissing in the wind. Sorry for my language I just need to rant. Piles of washing, sort that and there's a pile more by the end of the day chucked in the corner. Washing up!! My god! (Don't have a dishwasher and we rent so can't buy one/no room) I'll wash up. Make dinner and it's a shit heap again. I'll clean the bog, DH will come home and own the throne and have a bath / shave. Hair everywhere and the loo is full of lime scale. Nothing ever looks nice. Mountains of ironing to do. I work 3 days a week and the other days I'm looking after DD, attending medical appointments (recent cancer & on long term medication with complications.) How do people do it? People with more children, or bigger households?

I'm. So. Burnt. Out.
DH is a chronic snorer so I'm on 4 hours of sleep everyday because he won't get his arse into gear and sort it out. We're thankfully moving on 11th to a 3 bed. With dishwasher. I'll probably spend more time in the spare room and it'll put an even bigger wedge on our marriage. And he wonders why I have zero energy for a sex life.

I'm so done. I get zero help. I've tried and tried and it lasts 2 days and that's it. Some days im bed bound due to the medication and nothing gets done. I desperately don't want my marriage to fail. I love the bones of him and it'll be SO hard to cope with it all on my own (mostly because of my complications) I have to plan what days I take what, just so I can turn up to my 3 day a week job.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I'm just staring at the shit heap of last nights curry on the work top. The house stinks of last nights dinner and I haven't even had time to have a shower yet.

How do people do it 😭 I feel so pathetic 😭

Another who would go absolutely nuclear if dh family came and left that kind of a mess! It shows a total lack of respect!

We are 2 full time working adults, a 5 Yr old and a 1 Yr old, we keep on top by both doing equal amounts. Dh hoovers and prepares dinner, I then tidy up Kitchen while he baths and beds the baby. Beds all stripped Sundays. A laundry load on every morning which dh unloads and hangs out. We have little routines in place, but my word - even if my friends come over they scrape their own plates and one of us will stick the bag outside. It's basic respect.

You say you can’t fit a dishwasher in. Have you ever thought of this one

ao.com/product/sks62e32eu-bosch-serie-4-table-top-dishwasher-white-74130-25.aspx?&WT.z_PT=MDA&WT.z_AT=dishwashers%20table%20top&WT.z_MT=Search&WT.z_MAT=Bosch&WT.z_FT=Free%20Standing&WT.z_PC=SKS62E32EU_WH&WT.srch=1&WT.z_KW=SKS62E32EU_WH&WT.z_DT=c&WT.z_RTM=PLA&ef_id=EAIaIQobChMIsoGc7KKO9AIVxevtCh1c1gRTEAQYBSABEgIsdfD_BwE:G:s&s_kwcid=AL!8149!3!540233589257!!!u!1434147614526!&&utm_medium=shopping&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=mda%20-%20dishwashers%20-%20smart%7Cdishwashers%20-%20smart&utm_term=smartshopping%7CSKS62E32EU_WH&utm_content=pla-1434147614526%7Cpaidpla&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIsoGc7KKO9AIVxevtCh1c1gRTEAQYBSABEgIsdfD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

You will need to run it after each meal - and it will take up worktop space, but you can load stuff straight in and just run it twice if necessary.

I second a previous poster's question.

Do you have a dump nearby?

If so, tell Stig he can pull his sodding bone idle finger out or he can go and fucking live on it.

You've made a good start by booking some rubbish removal and acknowledging that you have too much stuff.

However, don't let this cloud the fact that you are feeling like this because you are living with someone who isn't doing what they should be doing as an ordinary adult who lives in a house.

Washing plates up that you have eaten your own dinner on or dealing with a dirty toilet are things that should just be happening on a daily basis without even a thought from the age of about eight.

Having a job doesn't mean that you get to create mess for someone else to deal with.

Lots of good advice. Just wanted to add that separate bedrooms saved my marriage. My DH snores. He’s had the sleep studies, been tested 3x for sleep apnea (negative), had custom mouth guards, had a nose job to correct a deviated septum, wore nasal strips/used prescription sprays. He is incurable.

In fact, he is napping now and I can hear him in his room upstairs sawing logs like a chain saw.

I was a mess from sleep deprivation. I’d nudge him, try and get him to roll over because it might stop the snoring for fifteen minutes and I’d get a micro nap. Then he’d be grumpy and sleep deprived because I was waking him ten times a night. He felt terrible about keeping me up as well and said after I woke him, he’d try and stay awake until I fell asleep as he was terrified of snoring. So we were in toxic sleep cycle.

Ear plugs were not an option...he’s too loud.

So separate bedrooms it was. And honestly the world is so much easier to tackle when you can get good, deep, uninterrupted sleep.

I just wanted to second that advice because separate bedrooms people do raise eyebrows and say it’s bad, drives a wedge between you...but it did exact opposite for me.

You need help as you’re ill, you can’t do it all without a bit of physical help.

I’m sure most of this has been said but some things that have helped me (I’m not naturally tidy!) have been

A dishwasher (I know you’re getting one)
Kallax unit with boxes
Adequate toy storage in DDs bedroom so they can learn to put things away themselves, also I try and keep it out of the living room now she’s a bit older.
Don’t stress about recycling everything-I am keen on recycling but sometimes it’s not doable in a flat.
Go out for dinner once a week, even if it’s just chips- no washing up, no cooking gives you a break
Your husband needs to do have some set jobs that he does no matter what
Clean the bathroom when you’re in the shower.
Baskets for everything in wardrobes really helps me for tidying away.

Show your DH this thread and then give him a month. See what happens. If nothing changes despite him knowing you’re on the bring then you can only leave him because he will have proven beyond any doubt that he doesn’t love you. No one treats someone that they love the way he treats you. He sounds utterly disgusting and I hope you show him the thread and he reads this

This would be bad enough anyway, but you've recently had cancer too?

I havent RTFT OP but you are not alone. I have had many a breakdown about the state of my house.

He's a cheeky bastard saying you both need to do more! I would be absolutely furious with him
How about you stop doing anything for him. Cooking, ironing, anything to do with him just don't do it.

Oh OP I am so sorry for your diagnosis but your DH really does need to step up. He should be taking on a hell of a lot more than he is and getting steps to sort out his own health.

It sounds like your OH may have sleep apnea . Do you have another room you can sleep in ? Also I would recommend soft foam earplugs.

Then don’t do anything that does not need doing .

Tell your OH to help more or he can pay for a cleaner .

Get a cleaner and or someone to do the ironing.

Start The organised mum method.

Put a rocket under DH.

Like everyone else is saying, get a cleaner who will do the ironing too. Don't feel guilty. It will change your life. Once you move it will be so much easier. Dishwashers are life savers. So are spare rooms. Sleep in the spare room until your OH is prepared to sort out his snoring. Also, have a few hours a week where you leave him to look after your child, and go out and do something you enjoy.

You’ve had good advice on here already but I second;

1. Sort out the toys. Box some up and put away. Only allow a smaller number out at any one time. I had one big basket plus ELC garage in the living room - no more. Took me about 2 minutes to tidy away.
2. There should be no choccy smears anywhere other than the high chair. A one year old in their own home only eats on the high chair, nowhere else. Flannel to clean them up when they’re done and out they get with clean face and hands. Quickly clean the high chair & tray ready for next time.
3. DH not pulling his weight? He does his own washing, no arguing.
4. Snoring? Tell him in no Uncertain terms that you will be sleeping elsewhere if he does not make efforts to sort it out.

1-3 I have actioned. 4 I have failed at - no spare room… You can’t do anything to avoid a poo explosion but you can avoid food smears everywhere, so make that change to help yourself. I hope the new house works well for you. I have to admit that my dishwasher was a great bonus, having thought for years that I didn’t need one.

Get a cleaner if possible, especially for bathroom. Your DH does his own laundry if he is unable to do it for everyone. He cleans up after dinner each night. Or eat simpler one pot dinner/slow cooker type stuff. Appointments/child sick cover split evenly. Don’t clean whole house every day. Focus on 1 room only.
Clothes and toy cull. Everyone will say donate to charity or sell but if you’ve no energy to coordinate that or transport to shops etc the bin it/dump in recycling and be done. 1 day a month where your DH has children and you do whatever you want to. But big storage tubs and hide all toys in it. Who cares if messy inside. same with shoes. Stop ironing.

I don’t ever iron anything or buy clothes needing ironed. If your DH needs ironed shirts, he has to do it or put in dry cleaners or whatever to collect on way home. Or hire someone to iron. Purge ornaments/home decor that collects dust and go for a minamilist look too. Have DH clean up his own mess in bathroom. Get strict about this though shouldn’t have to act like his mum or boss. Don’t clean it up until he does. Let him suffer the mess. Everyone should leave toilet how they found it. It’s basic hygiene. Food shopping delivered to cut back to hassle of going on own etc if that’s what’s happening. Do you have childcare options for a morning off?

Yes, get a cleaner and laundry person.

Have a ten minute 'tidy up' time with your toddler every night before bathtime, where toys go back in a basket and smeared surfaces get wiped. Buy a big, attractive basket for this.

The very least your husband should do is pick up after himself. Have a very grown up not nagging conversation about it, where you just say, 'Love, I get knackered and very despondent that I clean the bathroom and within minutes of you using it, it's covered in skid marks, shaved hairs and soap scum. I have no intention of turning into a horrible nagging wife but please can you spend five mins after using the bathroom giving it a rinse and wipe down. I know you don't want to turn me into a skivvy but that's how I feel. If I remind you for a few weeks, it's not because I like nagging, it's because I hate being treated like a skivvy.'

With the snoring, I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that until he gets that sorted, he's sleeping on the sofa. You are still having treatment for fucking cancer, no way he gets to park his lazy arse in the goddamned bed while you're freezing on the fucking sofa!

I don't see how your love for him isn't dying a slow cold death with how little respect, care, compassion and love he is showing in his actions for you. Deeds, not words.

FFS! To all the people saying - do FlyLady or get a cleaner - it is not your job alone to keep the house. This is 2021.
It won't get better until he decides to pull his weight as an adult.

Cleaner - waste of time.
Rota - waste of time - you will spend more time maintaining and managing it than he spends on the tasks.

Make him sleep on the sofa.
You make your own food, wash your own clothes.
If his shit annoys you designate an area (of the bedroom for example) and lob all of it in that area. He can either tidy it up or wait until it piles up to the ceiling.
If he complains about lack of clothing, food, etc, then you throw his words straight back at him.
Tell him he needs to pull his weight or you will leave.
How can you love the bones of someone who treats you with such disregard!

You've had cancer and he's falling asleep on the sofa after work and saying you 'both need to do more'?

Sleeping in different rooms could well save your marriage. As long as you communicate about it. When you aren't tired and resentful life will feel better, I promise.

Completely understand how you feel @bunnybopbop .

Myself and DP only live in a 1-bed flat but even that I feel gets dirty and scruffy so quickly. Especially the bathroom, no matter how much I wipe around and mop, it still gets covered in dust and fluff and just general mess.

So hard to keep tabletops clear or preserve a hoovering for more than one evening before it looks like it could use another go over. Also don't have a dishwasher so washing up mounts up and kitchen surfaces don't seem to stay clear for more than 30 mins.

It's really frustrating and does feel neverending.

Re snoring: while DH is waiting for ENT assessment, he could use a Snorban. Google it. My DH got one, and it transformed his sleep And therefore mine. He was subsequently assessed as having sleep apnoea, and continues to use it - though losing weight has also helped.

Your DH should absolutely be cleaning his own bath/sink after himself. Anyone who thinks it's ok to leave shaving/body hair and God knows what else detrius needs to learn some manners.
That's pretty much the law in my opinion

Dh won’t realise how hard a child is, until he is left to manage alone. Not just for a couple of hours entertaining them, but properly juggling everything.
Go and stay with a friend. Tell him you need to catch up on some sleep and then just rest.

Once he realises just how much you do, then insist on him stepping up. At the very least stop doing his ironing.

Oh and no food anywhere but in the kitchen. That will make a huge difference.