I am SO effing sick of this house!

[bunnybopbop]

I have nothing more to give. I'm so burnt out.

Usual household. 1 year old and a husband man child. Everywhere is always a fucking mess. Toys everywhere. I polish and clean and within minutes there's chocolate stains and smears over the telly and coffee table. Toys absolutely everywhere. I've just spend ages scrubbing shit off the floor where DD had an explosion. There's mountains of rubbish where our bin gets emptied once every 14 days. I'll clean every room everyday and it's honestly like pissing in the wind. Sorry for my language I just need to rant. Piles of washing, sort that and there's a pile more by the end of the day chucked in the corner. Washing up!! My god! (Don't have a dishwasher and we rent so can't buy one/no room) I'll wash up. Make dinner and it's a shit heap again. I'll clean the bog, DH will come home and own the throne and have a bath / shave. Hair everywhere and the loo is full of lime scale. Nothing ever looks nice. Mountains of ironing to do. I work 3 days a week and the other days I'm looking after DD, attending medical appointments (recent cancer & on long term medication with complications.) How do people do it? People with more children, or bigger households?

I'm. So. Burnt. Out.
DH is a chronic snorer so I'm on 4 hours of sleep everyday because he won't get his arse into gear and sort it out. We're thankfully moving on 11th to a 3 bed. With dishwasher. I'll probably spend more time in the spare room and it'll put an even bigger wedge on our marriage. And he wonders why I have zero energy for a sex life.

I'm so done. I get zero help. I've tried and tried and it lasts 2 days and that's it. Some days im bed bound due to the medication and nothing gets done. I desperately don't want my marriage to fail. I love the bones of him and it'll be SO hard to cope with it all on my own (mostly because of my complications) I have to plan what days I take what, just so I can turn up to my 3 day a week job.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I'm just staring at the shit heap of last nights curry on the work top. The house stinks of last nights dinner and I haven't even had time to have a shower yet.

How do people do it 😭 I feel so pathetic 😭

I have 3 DC- 6, 4 and 2. DH works as a Secondary School Head so long hours. I am SAHM. No cleaner. I could not do it all and work 3 days a week and especially if I had been unwell. DH does help.

These are things that help me:
Dishwasher - definitely get one in your new house- as well as washing up they help keep the surfaces tidy.
Before we go to bed, EVERY night, DH and I tidy and clean all the surfaces in the kitchen so it is ready for the next morning. Washing goes on and dishwasher. Stuff taken out to bins, hob cleaned, sink cleaned. Takes 10 mins.
Bathrooms are cleaned as we use them - waiting for bath to run and I/he clean sink, loo, surfaces, floor. Takes 5 mins.
He does his own ironing for work. Not much else is ironed. I can easily go weeks without ironing.
DC have toy boxes and everything out downstairs is put away by them before bed- we help.
One night a week for half an hour we clean a room together- hoover, sweep wooden floors, mop, dust. It is just a help to keep on top of things.
Don't put it down put it away , is my mantra at the minute and it helps.

I do lots of day to day stuff. DS1 and DD are at school. DS 2 goes to nursery 3 half days. I use that time. DD and DS1 like dusting and sweeping so I let them do bits too at teatime or weekends.
DH likes to cook and cooks the meals at weekends.
Washing is folded and goes upstairs whenever DH or I go up. I hate putting washing away.

Harpic power plus active tablets absolutely brilliant for toilets leave over night the first time they are amazing.

Could you ask for a friend or family member to help you on one of your days off? It's ok to ask for help if you're feeling this desperate. If a friend asked me I would defo help them out.

They may be able to see things more dispassionately which might help.

I think if you can get rid of as much stuff as possible it will really help out.

@bunnybopbop
It would be a good idea to have a cleaner.
Speak to your husband and tell him what you have said here.
You are probably stressed and depressed.
Washing is a complete ballache.
Where to hang the damp clothes.

I remember breaking down in tears at a very poo- filled nappy, and looking back, I was depressed.
We had no family or friends within 120 miles.

It was hard.

@arethereanyleftatall

I don't know if you want my answer to 'how do people do it' given your third to last paragraph. But, in the interest of a wider range of experiences, how i did it is - I got divorced. Instant load off my shoulders.

Same. I lost 17st overnight, and the mess in the house was reduced by about 75%, no joke. I was shocked by that alone.

My DC are 10yo and 9yo and I've only just started keeping the house tidy. Before then I just went with the flow.

Ditch the ironing and get your little one to eat only in a high chair. Wipe him/her down before the stickiness can spread. Sleep separately to DH you’ll feel like a new woman with better sleep.

Like many posters above, your DD wouldn’t be eating and smearing stuff everywhere if they were in a hair chair or similar. That’s your fault.
Your DH should be cleaning his own shit stains. Your fault for doing it behind him!
Definitely get a cleaner and before you move make sure you have an honest chat with DH about division of jobs.
It doesn’t need to be quite so hard!

You need Fly Lady!

It says so much to me that his family left stuff all over your kitchen - I know they were there for a celebration but it’s normal for someone to go round with a bin bag and someone else to run a sink of water and scrape the plates at the very least! It shows how he’s been brought up and also that nobody appears to have any thought or respect for you. They must know you’d end up doing it all.

So sorry your life is like this. It sounds like you're at your limit of coping and I'm not surprised why.

Your husband sounds like mine. Mine seems to have zero concept of what needs to be done around the house and therefore does nothing unless I ask him, so I'm constantly nagging. He snores too. Sleep deprivation is almost certainly contributing to you feeling so terrible.
Sorry I haven't read all the posts so lots of these things have probably been suggested but below are some of the ways that I have coped.
House move is definitely going to help. You need some respite!
Write down all the jobs in the house and go through them with your husband. This includes all the jobs with your daughter - Drs appointments, vaccinations, also house stuff, admin, insurance, car stuff, everything you can possibly think of and then ensure that it's divided up fairly between you. If your husband has time off at the weekends and you're looking after your daughter, make sure you get some time off back when you can do things that you want, even if that just means going to bed! It is worth having this in your rota as a regular event so this is non negotiable - at least half a day each week.
Get some ear plugs
Get your husband to start using beconase regularly or equivalent nasal spray (this helped reduce my husbands snoring), reduce his alcohol and weight (if these are issues). If this doesn't help or he refuses, tell him you will sleep in the spare room until he addresses his snoring.
If you are doing things for your husband such as his washing and he isn't appreciative of this then stop doing it
Stop ironing (I very rarely do any ironing)
It actually sounds like you might benefit from having your own bedroom so you can get some proper rest and then just spend weekend nights with your husband. Perhaps when you move to your new house you could do this.....
Declutter. Sounds like you are already doing this. Be ruthless - charity charity charity! It feels so much better when you're not surrounded by stuff everywhere. Having more space in your new home will really help and storage like you say.
If affordable definitely look at getting a cleaner or a home help.

Utilise technology as much as possible to make your life easier. Online ordering, diary reminders for things, local online milk man with regular orders so you don't run out of milk/bread.
I hope things get better for you. I hope your husband comes to his senses and realises how hard you work.

Get a cleaner, you sound exhausted

Citric acid down the loo, leave as long as you can and then a good scrub will get rid of the lime scale. You might have to do it a few times.

Take half your kids toys away, either donate them or if you have space store them somewhere. And then rotate them, the baby is 1 they will never know or care they have a few less toys. Get somewhere to put them like a linen basket that you can throw them in at the end of the day and then you don’t have to look at them. I know that used to drive me nuts.

Limescale in the toilet - get that fizzy up powder stuff that you dump in it and let that sort it out. I heard that pouring regular coke in and leaving it overnight helps too. Stop ironing as much as you can. Do stuff together after dinner before DH sits down and checks out. If rubbish is piling up put DH in charge of taking bags to the tip (most men I know seem to love the place). If all else fails tell him that you cannot continue like this and need couples counselling to help him work out what changes he can make and sustain. Don't do all the work solving this problem yourself - if you make a list of chores I think he is likely to ignore it. If he makes a list you may have better luck.

Sending you a hug - what a tough spot you are in.

Do you really need to clean every room every day? Maybe you are being too fastidious. Just accept a bit of mess.

Have you contacted Macmillan? They have a grant if you are going thru treatment and a dishwasher is one of the things you are allowed to spend it on.

When I was going through chemotherapy I had a rule that in my bad days I would just achieve ONE thing that day. And that one thing could be small; could literally be "put a few clothes away" or "made the baby's bed".....stopped me feeling like such a dismal failure on those days because I could say "but I got THAT done".

If you and DH split up you would get more of a rest because on the days / overnight when DD went to his, you'd have a lie in and you wouldn't have to clean up after him, and you'd have time to get stuff done. Keep that in mind; so many of my friend have split with their ex's recently and they all say the same thing; even with kids around it's easier to be single than it is to have a man child in the house.

if you can't afford a cleaner, get rid of husband

promises to do more but he eats dinner and falls asleep on the sofa

Chores first, then dinner

Food is eaten only at the table, no chocolate smears anywhere.

Part of your child's routine will be that all toys are put away before going to bed

Put rubbish in outside dustbins

Find a solution so that you get more sleep.

Can you get to sleep first, before he starts to snore ? I snore, GP said it's only really a problem for DH getting to sleep. Avoiding dairy and wearing tape over my moth helps a bit.

You have got this. Good luck.

Ps - there was a study I read last year that said most men under estimate how much work has to be done to keep a family going, and over estimate what they do around the house. Putting him in charge for a week so you can get the rest you need may help. He needs a massive wake up call. He may have had a hard time with your cancer - but FFS YOU HAD CANCER!!! He needs to pull his finger out big time.

I really feel for you OP

You will find having a dishwasher a life-changer. It's basically a cupboard to keep the dirty stuff in until it's full, so no dishes etc left cluttering up the worktops.

And stop ironing! If DP wants a shirt ironed, he can do it himself. I have a few linen clothes that I only wear in the summer and they are the only thing I ever iron.

Limescale is easily sorted. Get a decent limescale removing bog cleaner and chuck some down the lav before you leave for work on the days you go, and leave some of it in the bog overnight on the other days. It will definitely start to clear, especially if you use a bog brush and give it a bit of a scrub now and again. We have very hard water and limescale is a real problem here.

If you want the nuclear option, get some spirit of salts (Wilko sell it, so do DIY/plumbing stores) which will clear it in no time. But be careful - it's strong acid.

I think you will find things easier when you move and you will hopefully get more sleep, but a cleaner would make a huge difference. But I also think you have a DP problem. He needs to step up and do his share. Or at least stop making things worse by his slack behaviour.

Time for a stern talking to, I think.

I feel like you to I have 5 dd12 ds10 has adhd ds5 has adhd and Autism ds2 dd11months
Man child that thinks coz he works it's a women's job to do everything

I can't even be bothered to moan let alone cry I love my baby's but boy there hard work as well as the mess the washing ect

One day I'll have a show home 😂

Yeah, you love him but does he love YOU? Because it doesn’t seem like it.

Robot cleaner might be worth a look. Roomba is expensive but fantastic

Follow The Minimalists on Facebook or their blog. Life changing.

Your DH is a shit bag...he doesnt care about your mental health. You have undergone cancer treatment and you seem to think you owe him for sticking around.

You get no sleep as he snores , he does nothing about it, adds to your daily grind and you love this man? Really

My DH has cancer and has struggled, I have picked up the slack. I have never made him feel he should owe me, he couldnt do anything anyway as he is now registered disabled. The idea that if i was in his shoes i would let him crumble under the strain, do nothing, act like an entitled lazy prick and let his family behave the same astounds me.

You need some time out. Go to a friends house and truly reflect on this nightmare you call a loving relationship

Don't under estimate the impact of clutter and shit everywhere it's depressing takes over . You look round and think what's the point and it escalates.