I am SO effing sick of this house!

[bunnybopbop]

I have nothing more to give. I'm so burnt out.

Usual household. 1 year old and a husband man child. Everywhere is always a fucking mess. Toys everywhere. I polish and clean and within minutes there's chocolate stains and smears over the telly and coffee table. Toys absolutely everywhere. I've just spend ages scrubbing shit off the floor where DD had an explosion. There's mountains of rubbish where our bin gets emptied once every 14 days. I'll clean every room everyday and it's honestly like pissing in the wind. Sorry for my language I just need to rant. Piles of washing, sort that and there's a pile more by the end of the day chucked in the corner. Washing up!! My god! (Don't have a dishwasher and we rent so can't buy one/no room) I'll wash up. Make dinner and it's a shit heap again. I'll clean the bog, DH will come home and own the throne and have a bath / shave. Hair everywhere and the loo is full of lime scale. Nothing ever looks nice. Mountains of ironing to do. I work 3 days a week and the other days I'm looking after DD, attending medical appointments (recent cancer & on long term medication with complications.) How do people do it? People with more children, or bigger households?

I'm. So. Burnt. Out.
DH is a chronic snorer so I'm on 4 hours of sleep everyday because he won't get his arse into gear and sort it out. We're thankfully moving on 11th to a 3 bed. With dishwasher. I'll probably spend more time in the spare room and it'll put an even bigger wedge on our marriage. And he wonders why I have zero energy for a sex life.

I'm so done. I get zero help. I've tried and tried and it lasts 2 days and that's it. Some days im bed bound due to the medication and nothing gets done. I desperately don't want my marriage to fail. I love the bones of him and it'll be SO hard to cope with it all on my own (mostly because of my complications) I have to plan what days I take what, just so I can turn up to my 3 day a week job.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I'm just staring at the shit heap of last nights curry on the work top. The house stinks of last nights dinner and I haven't even had time to have a shower yet.

How do people do it 😭 I feel so pathetic 😭

There was a good post on here recently about how easy it is to clean with less stuff - see if it's possible to get rid of some things on gumtree or Freecycle.
Get a cleaner if you can afford one - no guilt!
Assuming it's not your OH smearing chocolate on the TV, just ditch the chocolate for a 1 year old (no snacks are clean but a bit of bread would be better??)

So your OH from the sound of it only works 2 more days than you,isn't having on going treatment following a brush with the big C and does sweet FA?

Time to boot that lazy turd up the arse.

*He can start doing his own washing,drying,ironing and putting his laundry away;just do yours and your LO's.
*You're LO has too many toys;have a sort out;sell some/charity shop it.My friend splits her kid's toys between 3 large washing baskets and puts 2 to the side and has one out for a few days but swapping with another one so her kid doesn't get bored with the toys.
*He spends a long time in the bathroom each day?;guess what room he can spend 10 minutes cleaning after he's used it each evening.

Firstly, you're not a failure! You probably feel tired as a side effect of your illness as well as the lack of sleep. Use your time to delegate tasks to your husband and tell him again how exhausted and low you are feeling. Say it's time for a proper change and not just lip-service or you'll seriously consider going it alone.
Ironing - if you are ironing his shirts, work uniform, jeans, whatever. Stop now! If he says he doesn't know how to use an iron, show him how. One of the best life skills I taught my son when he was about 15 or 16 was how to do laundry and ironing.
Bins - Don't store in your kitchen if they're full. Double bag and put outside. It will get easier as your child grows out of nappies so more room in the outside bin.
Bathroom - New rules. He cleans it every time he has a bath or shower. Puts away wet towels too.
Toys - Your child is the perfect age to make a game out of putting away toys into a box or basket. Maybe make a counting game where they can choose up to five toys only to play with at a time.

It sounds like you might have a glass coffee table if it gets smears. If so, get rid of it and get a second hand wooden one for your new home.

Good luck and all the best for your medical treatment.

If you are both quite happy together, you can try and work things out regarding your home situation together. Getting a bit more organised, as in bit by bit. Things can get on top of you, especially if you have some ill health, and things can go all to pot in the house then, and then nothing gets done, and then it's more stressful.

Just take thngs easy, and do stuff bit by bit, maybe throwing some rubbish away when you don't need it anymore.

Declutter. No ironing. No polishing.

In regards to why there is chocolate everywhere, we live in a small 2 bedroom maisonette with a small kitchen and no dining room. DD had some chocolate buttons. I hopelessly thought she'd sit for a second while I was cleaning up the toys (in the same room, won't let her eat on her own) and she was up and about at the coffee table. My mistake I should've put her in her high chair. It's quite a small issue really compared to the rest.

And the rubbish, I have a box full of wrapping paper, boxes, zip ties etc. It was her birthday and she received SO many toys and presents. Our bins are collected Bi-weekly and if our recycling bin is overfull they won't take it. If I leave a box on the side they won't take it. I've tried to salvage as much wrapping paper so I can recycle it / use it myself. I put all our peelings etc in the food bin. It's just never ending. DH booked a drs appointment 18 months ago (1 year after the snoring started) and the referral for an ENT was 6-9 months. He is quite bad at 'life admin' and he hasn't updated his GP surgery for the new (well not new now) address and the letter with the appointment got sent there, and therefore missed. It's not good enough and I know it's not. I've been telling him for months his driving license had expired and he has only just got round to doing it (albeit an offence to have an expired one)

He's not overweight, he works in a sales job 9-6 5 days a week. Earns a good amount. I only work 3 days a week but I earn a good salary on that so we can afford now to upsize which is what we're doing. We're trying to save for a mortgage too but I just need him to help me more. He says he does a lot round the house. (He washes up once a day, and might Chuck a load of washing in the machine) but I can't remember the last time he hoovered, folded laundry, made a dinner.

I know half of this is my own problem because I let him get away with it. But asking isn't enough and I don't know what to do. We had a blazing row about 3 weeks ago over it. I broke down and asked him to leave. It's effecting our marriage more than I've originally let on I just don't want to admit it. The only thing I can give him credit for is with DD. He's great with her and will feed her dinner or care to her needs when he is home.

I feel like I should be able to be on top of it all.
The house move will do us wonders with more storage. I'm going to go through everything and have a huge declutter. I've taken 3 bags of clothes / baby clothes and toys to the local woman's aid.
Our house doesn't look bad, it's not unpresentable. It's just non stop all the time. But I probably signed up for that when I had DD.

I just have no motivation for anything anymore. I'm going to set a cleaning rota and spend most of tomorrow sorting out. I think it's ultimatum time. Help me or I will leave.

well yes, get a cleaner if you can afford one.

But otherwise break it down:

1. Why is last night's curry on the worktop? I thought you said your H cleans up after dinner? Every night wash up, put away, clean up, and close the kitchen down - you'll come down to a clean kitchen
2. Stop ironing
3. put rubbish outside.
4. toy storage - do you have adequate storage? Make sure you put all toys away at the end of the day. Only take out a few at a time
5. hair in bathroom - your H can clean up after himself. I clean the loo and washbasin a couple of times a week while I'm brushing my teeth.
6. washing all over the place - why?

Snoring H - not much you can do about that, but if he's not prepared to seek help, then he should sleep on the sofa and let you get some sleep.

I'm not quite sure why you "love the bones of him". He sounds pretty useless tbh, and can't think that much of you if he's not doing more.

I couldn't love someone who treated me like a skivvy. Especially when you are battling cancer. Love is actions not words and he is failing to love you as he should. How can any self respecting person have a nap while their ill partner is slaving away cleaning up their mess?

No ironing here.

No eating anywhere else but in the dining room and the kitchen (always had this rule and it will stay this way)

Frank discussion with “D” H and rocket up his arse ( pick up after yourself as I’m not your mother) Assign some duties and the timescale.

When you go to the new place can you sleep in separate rooms? I understand how it is when you can't sleep due to someone's snoring, you can't live life like that.

I have an almost three year old and a 16 month old. I am a sahm. It's a full time job looking after them!
Me and husband share cooking and cleaning. Our cleaning standards are very low at the moment because we are knackered and it is a losing battle!!!
If it helps, yes, get a cleaner!!!! Get the husband doing more too.
We generally clean at the weekend. One watches the kids and the other one gets on with it

Your main problem is your DH won't get medical help. My dh was falling asleep all of the time with sleep apnoea before he got help. Now he has a mask to wear at night that blows a steady flow of air I to his lungs. The machine is far quieter than his snoring. After having machine he is far more awake in day time and does far more around house, sex is better and more regular. I get sleep now so my mood has improved. I was permanently exhausted from lack of sleep before now I get 7 hours every night. Once sleep is sorted get some large stacking toy boxes and teach dd to pick up toys before bed. If you can't get rid of lime scale, bleach it so not so noticeable. You will be on 3 bed house with fish washer soon so something to look forward too. Speak to DH tonight about sleep apnoea test.

I know where you're coming from. I think when we have kids we just have to set our standards very very low!

@bunnybopbop

DD is at childminders tomorrow. I'm off on annual leave so I'm going to sort everything out. Make a cleaning rota so we can share the load and enquire for a cleaner. Its the days where I have to take medication when I struggle. Honestly it's never ending. The ONLY thing DH will do is wash up after dinner. I've tried and tried and he promises to do more but he eats dinner and falls asleep on the sofa. I'd love to do that after 4 hours sleep listening to the war of the worlds in bed all night with him snoring. This isn't a poor me post. I'm just sick of it. He keeps saying 'we both need to do more'

What more can I do!?!?

Is it possible he falls asleep on the sofa, because his snoring in bed is actually an early sign of sleep apnoea so neither of you are getting quality sleep in bed. He needs to get this sorted not just to save your marriage, but it may save his life.

Im always surprised even though I can generally predict it now - how advising someone who is clearly not happy to fix everything by getting a fucking cleaner.
I often see fairly complex, existential life issues in these pages that usually involve marital issues, disappointment with life choices, whether child or work related, seemingly solved in one fell swoop by hiring someone to clear up the detritus.

Am I the only person on this website who suspects that the problems go a bit deeper than this?

Many, many posts of this nature appear day in day out and I highly doubt that such complex, multifaceted issues are so easily and neatly solved.
People are struggling with much more substantial circumstances than a cleaner can fix.
It is almost like the contemporary 'solution' echoing shoving valium at the problem in the 50's and 60's.
get a cleaner, and shut her up.
Hiring a fucking cleaner will not fix a marriage or a series of problematic life decisions. If only Sylvia Plath had been able to turn to mumsnet.

ffs.

Last nights curry is on the side because DHs family came to see DD for her birthday and they got takeout. I went to bed early to try and get a few hours before he comes in and snores. It was left on the side on the plates. I've scrapped it all in the bin but he can come home and clear up the bloody mess.

We have shite storage here, and it's something we can't help and the new place has ample storage. The 'dining room' will be turned into a play room so I can keep things in one space. I've just looked at rotating toys so that's something I really want to implement.

Longing for the minimalistic life. I'm decluttering everything room by room. I have a trusted friend who has a waste removal business (not fly tippers, a checkatrade business) so I'm going to use him to help take things away before we move so we only move with the things we need. Doing all of that will help massively. I'm just exhausted all the time and need more help with it.

It starts today. I can't take it anymore. If there's no improvement then I'm done and I mean that. I have good savings and I could cope on my own financially and I desperately don't want that. His mental health has taken a plummet as it's hard watching your wife battle cancer and I have to take that into consideration. But if I'm trying he needs to as well.

I'm just sat here in tears. I feel so lost 😭

Well obviously your DH should help but in the absence of that, yes get a cleaner. It will be hard work at first as the house needs to be tidy in order for the cleaner to be able to clean but if nothing else the bathroom and kitchen gets done.

I'm a lover of baskets. Mine are kept in cupboards but before I had proper storage I kept baskets in almost every corner of the room and designated some as toy storage and others for random crap that I needed to sort out. It just means I could have a tidy room at night to relax in.

Don't iron - if your DH needs to wear shirts he can iron them himself or pay an ironing service to do it. Alternatively you could ask the cleaner once you have one if he/she is prepared to do ironing as well. My DP's cleaner irons all his shirts and he just pays her for the time spent.

Laundry, try and get a routine in place if you can. Only wash things that are dirty or need washing. I wear jeans and sweaters several days (I wear a vest under my sweater which I wash after use) and bed linen fortnightly. I tend to stick a wash on at night and use the time delay function so that the wash is finished when I get up. That way I can hang it up / put it in the dryer while I drink my coffee / have breakfast.

Wrt the snoring problem, my ex had sleep apnoea but refused to get help. He snored incredibly loudly but also gasped and coughed in his sleep. I used ear plugs and still use ear plugs now years after we divorced lol. It might mean you need to keep the baby monitor on at night to make sure you hear the LO but it's 100% worth it.

As for dinner, go for easy meals. Obviously it depends on your budget but I like making vats of Bolognese / Chilli that I can keep in the freezer for easy weeknight meals. I also love the "just cook" meals in Sainsbury's which is meat of some description (most of the chicken ones are great) and serve with fries / micro rice / veg. Minimal effort but taste good.

When you have young children, accept that you will never be 'done' for the day. Lower your standards if you need to, ringfence time to relax and try and get a good night's sleep.

My life is like this too. I see having a cleaner as a total waste of time and money. I can clean, I do clean...it's just that as soon as it's clean, my family are undoing my good work! It would be even worse to pay someone to do it then it gets messed up. This is just life when you have kids...drop your standards

Do you have a dump nearby? Get all the rubbish in the car and take it to the dump.

The organised mum method is great but only works for us because we all do it. I don’t have to do everything just because I have a vagina.

Baby goes in the high chair to eat.

Dh sleeps on the sofa until he sorts his snoring out, you need to rest.

Ruthless decluttering Marie Kondo style might help

And a cleaner

But, I'm sorry to say I think that your DH is the main problem

Good luck with your treatment

You’re not pathetic!

I do wonder if you have too much stuff? In a household of three clothes and toys shouldn’t take up so much of your life, time and energy as your post suggests.

All the routines in the world won’t help if you are living in a cluttered environment. I’d focus on a big declutter before the move to the new place.

Also could you try earplugs or headphones if your DH refuses to sleep elsewhere/sort his snoring issue?

Hi OP going against the grain but I didn't get on well with a cleaner. It became a bit of a ballsache explaining what I wanted done every week and the results were variable. Then the cleaner started taking the piss a bit - oh is it OK if I leave 30 mins early this week as my child has a doctors appointment. Of course I said yes but the expectation was that she would make up the time, she never did. And then she started getting phone calls which meant she was concentrating more on the phone calls and less on cleaning. I was paying top whack too for an agency that gave their cleaners sick pay and annual leave etc. I was glad when she gave up and I found much better ways to spend that money ie investing in better storage solutions, online food deliveries and food boxes, more expensive washing machine and separate drier. No ironing.

I think other people have husbands who don't actually make work for them.

I mean we do it by both parents pulling their weight, having a cleaner, a dishwasher and a nanny. Don’t feel like you’re failing! I would be too if DH behaved like that.