‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

Well I'm.guessing for alot of people who work really long hours, they've chosen that path, not all I hasten to add, its not the path I've chosen

Of course.

I wasn't complaining just pointing out.

Though in fairness, some may well say they've " ended up" in that situation as many have.

What does “just for the record” mean?

I'm a newly retired person and seriously cannot figure out how I fitted in work for 47 years as I never seem to have an unfilled day now .
Yes I'm busy with u3a groups , socialising , grandchild and family , entertaining visitors plus all the life admin any adult has , most of which one could say are leisure activities but I'm still blooming busy .
Different strokes for different folks , really .

I am currently on maternity leave and have noticed that the more time I have, the less I will get done. Whereas beforehand I would do the grocery shopping on my way home from the nursery run after work, I now manage to fill an hour and a half with a trip to the supermarket! I don't go around saying how busy I am though. I can't bear people who go on about how busy they are when they work a lot less than full time.

Ah competitive busy-ness, what joy. It's even worse than competitive tiredness. I'm delighted to not be too busy. Life passes quickly!

I have a good friend who will occasionally lmk her plans cleaning for the day /week. I honestly think some people manage themselves better ,with seeing it written down? Accountability?

She’s obviously not self aware -I assume she has many good points and this is just a minor annoyance?

• my DM is always telling me how busy she is , when she has to do one vaguely grown up job ie: pay a bill in person and excuses why she’s late for everything, despite not having worked since about 1997 Drives my working DMIL up the wall !

Next time , if forward her a list of cleaners or website to a robot vacuum lol

Next time , if forward her a list of cleaners or website to a robot vacuum lol
This could be a good handling technique OP. If her enjoyment comes from having a moan, but you dive in with a fix each time, then you might not be so fun for sending the activity list.

Just text her and tell her you're super busy too or don't reply and she'll get the message

My nephew doesn’t work (goodness knows why) but is always busy. He tells us his YouTubs channel is a full time job finding content to post.

I guess we all have different capacities though? I have a chronic fatigue condition, and her day would leave me exhausted, because that’s part of the illness. I hear what some people do in a day, and I’m in absolute awe of them! I agree you’re not the right person for her to complain to, but go easy on her, she may genuinely have low energy levels.

She sounds a bit sad, probably realising her life is just ironing and housework. Now she doesn't have a school run in the day. I'd have snapped long ago and told her to get a job and stop pretending rearranging her pasta jars is 'busy'.

Oh OP, I sympathize! And the hard time you have been given is ridiculous.

The other examples you give are clear she is incredibly self-centred, not capable of empathy, and hugely focussed on self-validating. That is hard to live with constantly.

On the 'busy' thing my ex father in law and his wife did this. She had such a big inheritance, neither of them need led to ever work and they have three grown up children who don't live at home. They love to say how busy they are, especially the wife.... she is writing a book, going to calligraphy class, and making lovely meals. It's awesome, and they live a fantastic life, and are great people but when they tell me they are too busy to do X, Y, and Z or stressed because they are having to fit so much in, it does make me smile.

@MissLToeWine

My nephew doesn’t work (goodness knows why) but is always busy. He tells us his YouTubs channel is a full time job finding content to post.

Perhaps he doesn’t work because he makes a shed load from you tube channel

OP I think you’ve had a hard time from some posters and I find it hard to believe some of them wouldn’t so much as raise an eyebrow in your circumstances. But anyway, have you thought of trying to re-frame her messages in your mind as something amusing rather than annoying or frustrating? As in really savour the ridiculousness of what she is telling you and have a laugh about it with your DH. I got a message from a family member a few days ago where she told me she’d had a Pilates class and a trip to the shop that day and made a point of saying what a busy day it was. I actually thought ‘great, something I can amuse DH with later!’, which indeed I did.

OP, you are clearly twice as busy as her and I would find it annoying and boring to be told of someone else's busyness all the time. Keep your answers short and few.
It's pretty common to stretch out what we need to do and fill the time we have and feel busy. I'm sure if I could be more organized and then have more free time.

@MissLToeWine

My nephew doesn’t work (goodness knows why) but is always busy. He tells us his YouTubs channel is a full time job finding content to post.

YouTube and social media can be a full time job. It annoys me so much when people sneer at non traditional jobs like this.

@MissLToeWine

My nephew doesn’t work (goodness knows why) but is always busy. He tells us his YouTubs channel is a full time job finding content to post.

YouTube channels are jobs working in media; some have become millionaires through YouTube. If your nephew isn't earning money from his channel and has been doing it for a long time, then it might be time to switch career. It absolutely can be a career however.

OP, I’ve also had a competitive friend when it comes to this sort of thing. I never figured out why there needed to be so much ‘oh you think you’re tired, my life is so much worse’ / ‘oh a day off, wish I could have that but my life is sooo much harder than yours’ kind of responses to any tiny comment I might make about my day. I gave up mentioning anything about my day and I think there was an irresolvable undercurrent of jealously or bitterness because of how their life worked out compared to mine. Nothing to do with me, and nothing I could fix. I just kept my distance and decided not to waste any energy on getting annoyed about it. I know it’s hard to distance from family connections but it’s really not worth wasting the energy x

Busy is the currency by which we ascertain worth. Absurd but there you are.

Totally apparent in this thread in which posters are falling over themselves to list long working hours etc as if it somehow makes them of higher value.

It doesn't. It's just messed up.

Be busy or don't be, but don't expect anyone else to care.

It’s her life and she feels busy. You feel busy and that’s your and entirely your life choice. It’s not a contest. She’s busy in her world and your busy in yours. It’s not a poor me contest.

Sorry I couldn’t see how to quote. He’s hardly going to make money with 290 subs.

25 pages and 50 OP comments!

This one has clearly touched a nerve more generally.

I’m glad all the posts have been so kind and good-natured.

As someone once said: the time to make up your mind about someone, is never.

I think shes trying to talk as her life is pretty boring doing tasks everyday I think the things people really want to talk about is pleasurable things experiences walking in woods going to the theatre , enjoying company family and friends

If I were you op, I'd mute her texts and perhaps only reply every few days or longer. Simply tell her each time that you are too busy to read texts not related to your close family or work.
I have a family member like this and the only way that it stopped was by answering back with a solution to each of her problems one by one. For example, I'm too busy to clean - get decluttering then. Don't have time to shop - organise home delivery. I have no time - attend a helpful online workshop etc.
She is insecure and doesn't want to listen, she just wants attention.

Does it matter though, OP? Some people think they’re absolutely wonderful because they have a busy busy job and juggle kids and blah blah blah. It’s as if they assume the moral high-ground based on this life-style choice - “look how many hours I work... go me...” Meanwhile, people are just because it’s irrelevant to anyone else. Other people have OCD tendencies and just looking at a slightly dusty surface makes them stressed. People are all different. OP, in the nicest way, you are engaging in some weird ‘busyness one upmanship’ nonsense with this woman. To be fair, she sounds quite odd. But the fact you’re posting on here says it all. This is very easy to put a stop to in real life. You know this, but you’re getting some perverse pleasure out of demeaning this woman because you are the one who is really, really in real life the real super busy superwoman after all and you’re on here looking for confirmation. Ask yourself why you need MN confirmation and why you even see busyness as a virtue? The fact is, your life is a choice, as is hers. You feel busy. She feels busy. So what?