‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

You're so busy but have time to entertain that nonsense? Focus your free time on someone more positive and have very limited contact with that person.

Sounds toxic. Why are you bothering?

I absolutely agree! If the texts irritate you, just tell her about your busy schedule too
Some people like to talk about how busy they are, it's not to insult, it's just a weakness/vice. Just like we shouldn't constantly talk about our body parts and how sick we feel, except if it's terminal, we shouldn't be complaining about our busy days too. It's ungrateful , but most people do it. We all should be thankful that we have agencies and are capable and able to do the things we do. Not everyone can boast of that!

@PlaymobilMania

I’d reply and say “if you’re so busy perhaps you should stop texting me and save yourself some time”

😂 This.

Sympathy op, I have a relative JUST like this. It is maddening. And exhausting. And unhelpful.

My only solution is to interact with her as little as possible… I used to LOATHE getting texts from her. They were always so moany.

Interestingly, she’s improved lately/gone really quiet, and I think it might be because she’s been in therapy. I suppose your relative just wants to download (like mine), but I really WASNT the right person to download upon. And best will in the world, nor are you. It may genuinely be that she’s anxious etc. Actually: Could you suggest therapy to her?

I dont think she means to be insulting.
Years ago I was studying for a degree,had 2 jobs,2 young dc and the stress worked for me,it kept me on my toes.Then I passed my degree,got a job I LOVED was busy but was stuck down with severe illness,that has still left me with severe issues now.
I can't work ,I'm a sah wife but little things ,even say washer repair person visit stress me out and count as huge things in my daily life.
Now can you see what I mean? It just depends on the person's mental health and self esteem. That's my take anyway.

In my experience people who constantly tell you how busy they are, are 1)lying 2)annoying 3) lazy - the really busy people just don't go on about it

Maybe ignore the messages if they annoy you so much you have to go on to mumsnet. Be grateful you have a full life and enjoy being busy. Don’t worry so much what she’s doing.

Fuck the politics, I’d tell her to fucking shut up.

I have a relative of a similar sort, the trick here is not to reply to their "I'm so busy" texts for 48 hours at least, and then casually acknowledge what they texted, casually is the key word! My relative gave up texting me on a regular basis very quickly after I implemented this strategy:)

She's probably looking for commiserations.

Being a sahm can be shit and isolating and you have very little in common with other people except in this circumstance you both have being busy in common.

It's just your busy and her busy are different.

So naturally you feel put out, but she's probably really just wanting someone who "gets it" to talk to.

Maybe she is trying to justify herself to you and feeling a bit intimidated. Not that I condone it, but I wonder if that could be why?

It's not a competition. What I consider a chilled day, others may consider busy.

Likewise, what I consider a busy day, I know others who would consider it chilled.

This is why women underachieve against men - so busy criticising each other. Why is the contribution of a SAHM evaluated against a career and having kids. They’re both equally legitimate, it’s about individual choice. I question why someone who is supposedly so happy with their bigger house, pedigree dog, wonderful career etc needs to denigrate a regular contact. If she’s bored with their texts etc, just don’t respond.

I have a relative like this
She is a really lovely person , and I am fond of her
However

She has no children, works part time but does have a bit of a man child husband . She is always “ busy “ sorting him out and posting about it on social media. She sends out updates on her new garden furniture she is “ busy “ organising , tv viewing choices she is “busy “ rating “ , new recipes she is “busy” trying and then chastises you if you don’t reply .

If you don’t “ like “ on social media the latest avatar she has created of herself being “ busy “ she is “ busy “ asking you why you haven’t “ liked or followed “ the latest busy event in her life .

It’s exhausting
And makes me feel guilty
Then resentful
Then exhausted
Then guilty again

It is a bit about choice that you have 2 dogs and 3 children. Which means you have to work longer to make more money. You are fortunate that you have a supporting husband. I also have 3 little ones and a cat.and a house and a job....very busy but there is a lot of things I choose not to do. Like having dogs or doing ironing.....and we have microwave food once a week and a take away another. I keep on top of washing and have very little time to be on here to be honest.....watching a favorite tv show that I record....whilst writing this. But its nos time for bed. No hubby to wake me with coffee but I have a coffee maker by the bed. As fsr as cleaning is concerned.....if I could get a cleaner I would be very happy but so far I have tried a few and they were all pretty useless. I would be happy to pay £10 an hour for 2hours a week.....thats all I need. No way I would clean every day....what a waste of a life....
You should not answer this womans txts all the time. You dont have time!! Text her back in a week and just say. So sorry but its been hectic here.....speak soon. X

People are all different but I do feel for you. I used to be really busy but things have changed completely as I have had to give up work due to disability and can't do much at all now.

I have a friend like your relative, who has recently given up one of two of her part-time jobs as she found working 4 days a week too much. I wouldn't mind but one of the jobs was 3.5 hours twice weekly and the other job was 4.5 hours twice weekly and some weeks she could be doing both jobs on the same day. She will say that she is busy running around after her mother and father - her father is in a home and she has a 1 hour visit once a week and she does her mum's shopping for her and that is about it.

I think it is just the way some people are and they feel they have to justify their worth.

Yes, she's self absorbed. Either text back with a longer list of things you have to do - enough to annoy her anyway - or start ignoring her texts.

I guess we all have our own priorities in life. That’s what makes us all different. I wouldn’t like to dismiss anyone else’s priorities whether that be their career, their home, their social life, their finances etc etc. We all have 24 hours in any one day and how we choose to spend that time is very personal based on what is most important to us. There is no “right” or “wrong” way. I think you both need your self absorbed heads banging together 😆

I don’t know why so many posters are being so hard on the OP, it’s strange and so completely uncalled for. OP I have a few people like this in my life, the worst offender is my best friend. It used to annoy me terribly but I’ve the years I’ve sort of (except on bad days) grown to love it. I guess I’ve accepted that she feels very busy and perhaps sometimes overwhelmed- to be fair her house is always perfectly spotless- and now I talk about her busy life too and how on earth will she manage this or that in addition. This thread has actually made me realise that I made the transition to acceptance over the years, I feel quite mature now

It sounds as though she has OCD if she is cleaning her house all day.

I think she’s lonely and has ran out of things to talk about but wants to keep in contact for some ‘normality’. Why text anyone moaning about normal life, housework etc? My house is a mess to me at the minute-only because the kitchen need hoovered but i wouldn’t tell pals about it. Maybe suggest meeting up out at a coffee shop and ban talk of housework

I think your friend would be less busy if she wasn’t wasting time listing all her tasks in her daily texts to you (and probably other friends or family members?).. she would have a few mins to sit and sip her tea.. and I would probably say something along those lines 😬

My friend is like this. Now I admit, I am a lazy cow, I am a student, a single mum, I volunteer, shop and do housework. However I still have plenty of time to sit on my arse in between doing what I need to do. My friend who works full time running her own business, had two kids and a partner, has to do the shopping and the housework is much much busier than me. I know this, I get this, this makes me feel neither here nor there. What does piss me off though is when she is phoning me asking me what I've done that day -

Me - 'not much, lecture this morning, done some tidying up, had some lunch then went for a nap. Got daughter from school, went shopping then home to chill' - a pretty relaxed day by anyone's standards.

But it's as if she only asks that question so she can then shame me about not being as busy as her. She will rattle off what she does and sound pretty smug about the fact that she's done more than me. It's like a competition with her for whoever is the busiest and the answer is almost always certainly her because...well my life is just not that hectic at the moment and I'm enjoying it while it lasts. But yeah I find her behaviour utterly bizarre.

My DIL starts a new job soon, her hours are 7.30 am to 19.00 five days a week. Apparently this is normal. My son also works these hours. They make the most of their weekends both with leisure and house work. That’s busy. Having lunch with a friend is time out and I wouldn’t class that as being busy. I wouldn’t text back, if she asks why, tell her your busy also and don’t have time.