‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

Completely understand op. She sounds very irritating. Never mind the posters who keep misunderstanding... It must be do annoying having to put up with someone like this cos they're family. Try and not reply and minimise contact as much as possible. I'd also minimise what I share with her. Maybe be boring so she doesn't feel like calling you...

I think if anything, you are the one who feels competitive and sneery. Her feelings are valid - if she feels busy and stressed, she feels busy and stressed. Her personal tolerance for business and stress might be different to yours. Doesnt mean that she is in any way 'less than'.

People are truly either dickheads or oblivious … I’m not sure which. We went through some very rough times the past two years and we have “friends” who will try their best to tell us how bad they’ve had it (they have not) and actually at the end of the sentence will say how much they sprint on X or how many holidays thry went on etc but “they’re so poor and stressed”. It’s insulting!! Know your audience!

It's probably all she has to talk about.

She sounds incredibly bored as she's made her life so small.

Besides, neither one of you are doing anything incredibly unusual. It's standard for most middle-class people.

Busy is different to everyone I guess. I spend my life trying to do less & be less busy. It's an effort & I have varying degrees of success.

But if anyone was regularly texting me about their ironing & housework details I wouldn't reply. I'm far to busy to reply to that level of banality. I'm astonished anyone would regularly do this. Don't encourage it.

She sounds very irritating and I think is showing off to you how much time she has- ignore it’s not nice.
I know some people like this and they are very entitled and lazy, but kind of show off about how busy they are. It’s tiring
Keep working hard

You can’t be that busy if you have time to post on here?! Sorry but I can’t believe I’ve just read this! Busy is being a child in the the third world who has to get up at the crack of dawn to fetch water for her family and mind her brothers and sisters! Silly first world problem you have.

Swap the word 'busy' for 'stressed' or 'overwhelmed' and I think you'd be closer to the truth. You might be a bit kinder too.

We need to resurrect socially accepted standards for busyness, and for stress as well.

I find it amazing that people can't think outside their experience to consider that their busyness or stress is relative.

It sounds like she isn’t happy with her life and needs some sort of attention or validation. If it were me I would stop responding.

You can’t be that busy if you have time to post on here?! Sorry but I can’t believe I’ve just read this! Busy is being a child in the the third world who has to get up at the crack of dawn to fetch water for her family and mind her brothers and sisters! Silly first world problem you have.

Can not believe how many have seriously missed the point of this thread.

OP is busy. But not too busy. She is happy to be busy. She is not worried about being busy. She has is writing this with her feet up.

So get of your high horses and RTFT.

Maybe she thinks that you’re the one to moan to as she values you as a friend?

A friend should be able to show empathy - you clearly aren’t a friend to her.

OP you sound like someone who is lucky enough to have lots of energy. Had it occurred to you that she might have a health problem which she doesn’t want to discuss with you which limits what she can do?

OP, some people just like to complain. There’s no point wondering why, just accept this is who she is snd hope that makes it less annoying.

She sounds very tedious OP, I would try to limit the amount of communication personally...

Sorry you can’t be that busy if you (a) read her texts; (b) have time to care about what they say. Just mute her FGS.

Work expands to fill the time available. If you want something done ask a busy person. Or how about that favourite of the affluent and retired 'Oh I'm so busy now I'm retired, I don't know how I had time for work'.

This is a really common phenomenon, and you just have to accept some people are less capable than you but will still claim to be oh so busy and stressed doing next to nothing. Or it could be that doing very little is very tiring. I had a holiday over half term. My sister was visiting and we went out each day with the 3DC doing lots of touristy things. DH was WFH and made tea every night for us. I swear I was more tired after a week of lovely days out with the people I love than I was after a week at work!

You are both insecure and competing with each other.
That sounds very boring.. you are giving her the fuel she needs and thinking about replying giving even more to the debate.
Don’t reply, don’t say anything or just wrote BORING….. this is what this sounds to me.
Both of you!
Sorry, not sorry.
🙄

@BeanyBops

I think if anything, you are the one who feels competitive and sneery. Her feelings are valid - if she feels busy and stressed, she feels busy and stressed. Her personal tolerance for business and stress might be different to yours. Doesnt mean that she is in any way 'less than'.

Rubbish. To quote the OP “ She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related.” If you can’t find time for a lie in or a bit of peace in that day that’s your own fault, not the stresses of life.

No, don't respond but I would ask her to stop texting. I would find it too annoying. But don't get into the comparison game.

I find everyone has a different perception of busy and the more time you have the more you fill it. So to her she is busy as she's not used to having to fit anything else in.

My mum and a few friends say how busy they are. They are busy going to coffees or writing emails. It depends what you fill your time doing. To me busy doing leisure activities isn't busy but to them it is.

I feel for you @GaiusHelenMohiam, I can’t say I get her at all. I think she is just a competitive moaner, though she won’t see it that way. All you can do is rant every now and again and then shrug it off.

@balzamico

I know a couple of people like this, i think it stems from low self esteem and a need to validate themselves. You carry on and let her do the same. Don't respond to her busy messages - your too busy after all!!

I concur with this….she is probably in awe of what you are managing to do and feels the need to explain/justify how she is spending her time and wants to feel on an equal footing with you …ignore it, indulge it, empathise with it.

From what you are saying it’s not done with negative intent.

Sounds like she lacks self awareness - especially re the text about your aunt versus her mum. Some people like to talk about themselves.

I work FT, have two kids etc etc however, was off for a few months recently and was quite able to fill my day with mundane tasks. I even scheduled in TV time while I folded the washing. My day could feel pretty busy.

Feel your pain I have a friends that could be busier than ANYONE else in an empty room on there own .

I'm with you OP shes being self indulgent at best. She might be lonely but if she cared and understood you at all she would bother somebody else with that. Yes you've chosen your situation but so has she, why can't she enjoy it instead of moaning? Hmf.