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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

630 replies

GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:10

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

OP posts:
SnowyPetals · 10/11/2021 11:28

I think you are making this about you when it's about her. Everyone wants to think they are busy and important with their life choices. Case in point, you think you are busy with your very normal life set up, but someone saving lives in A&E on a daily basis may think you are not by comparison. If you don't want to engage with her messages either don't reply at all, or reply at the end of the day with a short a d sweet "hope you got it all done!".

EmeraldShamrock · 10/11/2021 11:29

I'm talking about multiple daily texts listing her jobs for the day and how tired and stressed she is.
That is annoying, be honest with her, tell her your cutting daily texts from your day and you'll reply in the evening, mute her.

She could literally stay in bed all day and it wouldn’t affect anyone else negatively.
This is none of your business, seems like jealousy.
I get your exhausted, if your constantly running why not drop the studying for a year, hire a cleaner with both adults working it should be affordable.
You can make life easier for you.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 10/11/2021 11:29

Maybe she mistakenly thinks you like her and are interested in what she’s up to?

Fomomofo · 10/11/2021 11:29

'She can literally lie in bed all day and it wouldn't affect anyone else negatively'? So that's the standard by which we must all live, how many people depend on us? So single childless people can't be busy?

Caspianberg · 10/11/2021 11:29

Are you sure she just doesn’t mean she’s busy as in has stuff to do, rather than busiest day ever?
Ie if she has day of ironing, cleaning, shopping at sainsburys and meeting friend for lunch, then if someone asks if she’s free prob to meet up she would say ‘ can’t do today as I’m already pretty busy’, which she is.

FOJN · 10/11/2021 11:30

It's not her responsibility to validate your life choices.

Then perhaps she could stop texting OP for her daily dose of life choice validation.

OP I think the saying is if you want a job done give it to a busy person. I've worked with many people who think they are busier than everyone else. They so busy they can't stop for lunch and they stay late everyday because they are sooooo busy, strangely lots of other people doing the same job manage to eat lunch and leave on time. I'm not sure if people sabotage their own efficiency with panic or they just like attention, either way they rarely stop to wonder why they can't manage what so many others do.

In this case I think she knows you are busy and is texting you to make sure you know she's not sitting at home doing nothing because she feels insecure.

HunkyPunk · 10/11/2021 11:31

@ftw163532

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

It's not her responsibility to validate your life choices. Don't be so judgemental. You're not better than her because you fill your time with different activities.

The op doesn’t think she’s superior, she thinks she’s busier. Looked at objectively, it sounds like she is. It’s fine to argue that perceptions differ and we’re all ‘busy’ in different ways, but the op doesn’t bang on about it all, like her annoying relative.
BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/11/2021 11:31

That would drive me mad, ignore her.

I work with someone who is 'so busy' that she has to stay in the office until about 7pm to finish her workload ... if she didn't spend half the day chatting, making tea, wandering around, she could prob leave at 5.

I didn't miss her at all during my 18 months working from home ... my first day in the office she came over to tell me how busy she was FFS.

Kfjsjdbd · 10/11/2021 11:31

Yep. I have a full time job, two very young children, and have sold and bought a house in the last two months. My retired parents say ‘oh you must be almost as busy as us,’ as they set off on another holiday!

VerveClique · 10/11/2021 11:32

If you like her, don't cut her off or undermine her.

Like PPs have said, everyone likes to think that they are busy with important stuff.

I have exactly the same with my SILs.

That's their world though - it's all relative. They'll never understand the level of pressure I experience because, well, they've never been there, or had to, or been in some of precarious situations that I have.

It's no skin off your nose just to say 'wow - that sounds like a full-on day - hope it goes OK'!

Unless she is trying to get you to do stuff that she could otherwise easily do, don't sweat it. You are doing all of things you do to give yourself the life that you have chosen and that you want.

Original poster
GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:33

She knows our situation, she knows I work crazy hours, she obviously knows we have dependant kids and responsibilities and things.

I’m probably not explaining it well but her attitude is very definitely that she is busier than me, specifically. It’s weirdly competitive and has gone on for years despite the fact I never play along.

When her ds was starting school she instigated a conversation with me and another friend who both have three kids and full time jobs about how she couldn’t possibly go out to work because she has a child. Not even in a SAHM/wOHM sense, just that it would be impossible for her. Different for us of course, just impossible for her.

It’s really hard to explain, but she does this a lot. Her life is so much harder than anybody else’s, no matter in what respect. She’s the oldest person to have ever had a baby (she was 38), she’s the only woman to have ever gone through perimenopause, it’s always so much harder and different for her with everything.

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 10/11/2021 11:33

OP people are going to get quite sensitive at what they think is SAHm bashing but the issue isn’t that.
YANBU. Just stop talking to her or call her out on it saying if she wants to moan pay a therapist

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 10/11/2021 11:34

Just mute her messages, it doesn’t sound like she’s seeking any kind of response anyway. You’re busy, so recover some of your time each day by no responding.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 10/11/2021 11:34

None of us know why she does it. If you genuinely want an answer as to why (and not just a moan, which is fine too), you’ll have to ask her.

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/11/2021 11:35

One of those who always have sometging to feel sorry for themselves about.

IWouldntHavetoWorkatAll · 10/11/2021 11:35

I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

You see this is why I don’t have a phone, because it’s just a barrage of irrelevant texting shit all day every day from people.

Original poster
GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:35

My comment about being able to stay in bed btw is because she constantly bangs on about how tired she is. She could just go back to bed. Literally nothing stopping her.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 10/11/2021 11:36

Reading your update op, she doesn't sound totally dissimilar to me Grin. Although I probably wouldn't moan to you as I can understand your life is objectively more busy. I find a busy stressful life completely overwhelming. Maybe she is the same.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 10/11/2021 11:37

Well she isn't busy really is she. She is doing things all day, sure, but they are things that other people pack in around work. But if she texts daily, then what else does she have to talk about? She has no choice but to detail her boring chores because that is actually what she is doing all day. Maybe she feels a bit embarrassed or judged for the fact that her life is so small, or feels that she has to compete with you and your important job/big house? This wouldn't bother me at all if I liked her and she had good qualities too. If you are friends why can't you laugh about it and say 'you're talking to the wrong person about this' next time you see her?

Alcemeg · 10/11/2021 11:37

I know what you mean, some people are just like this. It's like they need a round of applause.

I work freelance and one client, instead of emailing work like everyone else, would phone up about it -- and talk at length about how busy he was. I'd have one eye on the clock as I was racing a deadline, and thinking, "Well, you're obviously not THAT busy or we wouldn't still be talking!" I added the time onto the bill.

MangoM · 10/11/2021 11:37

My sister does this all the time too, drives me nuts. I just don't bother replying anymore and if she asks why, I say I'm too busy Grin

HorseGallopingOnATomato · 10/11/2021 11:37

Quite often, when I find myself complaining about how busy I am, it's not because I have more things to do but that the things I do have are boring, or I really don't want to do them, or I feel overwhelmed by them. If my days consisted of long stretches of housework, I definitely think I'd feel overwhelmed.

Comedycook · 10/11/2021 11:38

@GaiusHelenMohiam

My comment about being able to stay in bed btw is because she constantly bangs on about how tired she is. She could just go back to bed. Literally nothing stopping her.
Maybe she has some sort of vitamin deficiency or illness?
fourminutestosavetheworld · 10/11/2021 11:38

Or maybe she feels sorry for you going out to work and doesn't want to brag about going back to bed, long lunches with friends and oodles of leisure time?

maudmadrigal · 10/11/2021 11:38

She sounds really annoying! Not sure what the answer is though, assuming this is her only annoying quirk and you want to stay friends with her.

Busyness is an interesting concept. Your life sounds very busy to me. I have the 3 kids (teens, so lower input in some ways, but lots of ferrying about to sports etc), big house and 1 dog, but I only work part-time and I feel as though I am running to stand still a lot of the time. I look at people with more on than me and genuinely don't know how they do it.

But my mum and PILS, all retired and affluent, obviously feel like they are very busy too, even though to me it looks like they have stacks of time on their hands, and much of the 'busyness' is makework. (The only one who doesn't talk about how busy they are is my dad, who is the only one who still actually does any work - I think because he's one of those people who genuinely does need to be busy!)