‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

You are busy. I used to be that busy too, a 60 mile commute, stressful ish job, a family to look after, a big house to clean. Oh and am I supposed to look after myself too? Exercise.. eat healthy? I tried. Obviously at work all day not coming home till 6 but then the bedtime routine started and sometimes not eating till 9pm. Anyway the point I’m making is that now I’m off on mat leave with dc2, I’ve recently been staying in more to try to get on top of the housework… and we’ll it’s pointless, still not making much progress here 🤣 so I think you can still be at home or not working and still have endless things to do

The only time I query people who don't appear to be busy are the school mums who spend the whole day chatting at the school, you drop your DC's, they are there chatting even though the school gates have closed and when you pick up their DC's, you see chatting away like they have spent the whole day there talking.

Also, when I see grown women, who seems to walk up and down with friends everywhere. Always with a particular friend, walking up and down, since the morning till the afternoon.

The above scenarios are the ones who I query or they are doing anything with their lives.

I'm self employed so some weeks I will be really busy and some weeks less so. I find when I'm busy I actually get more other (non work) stuff done as I'm more focussed and organised and just get on with it. On my quieter weeks I faff about and end up not doing anything then feel overwhelmed. Busy people get things done.

Basically none of this matters at all.

I'm self employed so some weeks I will be really busy and some weeks less so. I find when I'm busy I actually get more other (non work) stuff done as I'm more focussed and organised and just get on with it. On my quieter weeks I faff about and end up not doing anything then feel overwhelmed. Busy people get things done.

Yep, I'm just like this.

I think people m’s stamina goes up to encompass whatever they have taken on. I’m sure she feels busy when she does more than her usual level of “not much”, whereas you only feel busy when you are doing more than your usual high baseline of stuff.

“Feeling busy” and “being objectively busy” are two different things.

thing is.... she IS busy. people fill their lives with things that suit their lifestyle.

People who are retired never know how they had time to work.

People who are SAHP are so so busy

People who don't work are too busy to do x y z

see what i mean?

and yes, you are rediculously busy and I would not like to be in your shoes, but this person should also shut up as to how busy she is!

@WorraLiberty

Terrible thread to start about a so called 'friend' OP. You're basically inviting complete strangers to criticise her.

If you were truly happy with your life and not green with envy over hers, you really wouldn't be doing this I'm sure.

Oh come on, it’s what MN is based on!

@Beautifulday345 lighten up. I clearly wasn’t talking about the examples you name ….

I don't blame you for being irritated, OP – if someone kept texting me a few times a day with their itinerary I'd get annoyed too. It's not even about who is busier, it's about the constant wanting to provoke a reaction from you, because that's what it feels like she's trying to do. I wonder if she feels you and other working mum friends judge her for not having a job, so she's trying, in a cack-handed way, to make herself feel validated, which is silly, because no SAHM should feel like they need to do that and good friends don't judge each other (and it doesn't sound like you've been doing that, despite what PP say).

I would just ask her outright – "Why do you keep texting me your itinerary? You really don't need to, I get you have a busy life. You'd actually save yourself at least five minutes in the day to do something else if you didn't waste it texting me!"

Sorry to sound unsympathetic but it’s a classic theme in mental health. We’re all competing to be the most put-upon and stressed. We are all genuinely put upon and stressed but the answer is not to compete. I feel for you, but don’t let this be an issue.

I don’t understand why people like to be stressed “busy.” What’s the point? Busy is fine but stressed busy sounds like hell on Earth.

(Misses point of thread.)

Busy in jobs to do, busy in thoughts and busy with worry are 3 different things (I'm sure there's more) I am a sahm to 2 tweenagers. Both have SEN. 1 more than the other. I know they are at school during the day but the morning routine alone wipes me out. I do all household work including DIY (I enjoy that) SO, to get back to the point! My brain does not stop thinking about the next step my kids need to take, so, sometimes I'm busy!

I think your friend is insecure and is trying to prove that what she does is "important".

I can understand why it is irritating but maybe looking at it from that perspective might help a bit?

This is about her needing external validation for her choices.
She doesnt have an internal motivation and so seeks out praise for stuff that most of us do on what we consider time off.
Drop the rope Op.
Grey rock her and mute the conversation, on Text/ Wapp and in RL.
Dont give her anything to comment on, dont tell her what you are doing and ignore the texts, preferably mute so you dont see them.
I get that you find her frustrating but you only have control over your actions not hers.

@DrSbaitso

If you want a job done, give it to a busy person.

So true!

Sounds like my retired DM. Constantly rushed off her feet. Poor woman hasn't had a sit down since 1994.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I don't understand why you've copped a beating either, *@GaiusHelenMohiam*. Your OP doesn't suggest that you are envious in any way of her, or that you're sneering at her - just that you wish she'd stop texting you how busy and stressed she is, on a daily basis, when she has it within her power to NOT be without any down-side.

I think there must be a lot of projection on this thread!

I agree wholeheartedly on both points

Is it more that those things really do take her all day so she is busy. Whereas you (and probably me) would feel like that's not a busy day because we would do the things more efficiently and have time left over??

You both need to be a bit more compassionate to each other.

@Nivealove

The only time I query people who don't appear to be busy are the school mums who spend the whole day chatting at the school, you drop your DC's, they are there chatting even though the school gates have closed and when you pick up their DC's, you see chatting away like they have spent the whole day there talking.

Also, when I see grown women, who seems to walk up and down with friends everywhere. Always with a particular friend, walking up and down, since the morning till the afternoon.

The above scenarios are the ones who I query or they are doing anything with their lives.

You genuinely believe that some parents spend all day talking outside school because they are there in the morning and the afternoon? That's the silliest thing I have ever heard.

So much bashing of "school mums" on this site, the level of internalised misogyny always makes me feel sad.

You would probably feel a lot happier if you focused on your own life rather than trying to determine how others spend theirs.

Everybody's cup of woes is filled to overflowing. It's just that some people's woes are more trivial. If there is big sht going on in your life, the rest of the normal woes don't get noticed. If there is no big sht, then minor things fill the cup.

I don’t think people always understand shift work which doesn’t help. If you aren’t working between 9-5 Monday to Friday they think you are off.
Sometimes I get a put out face because I leave one of my jobs early after a few hours work (completely flexible and work way more than I am paid for) but I am actually going to my other job for 12 hours.
To some people working night shifts is just days off. It’s invisible to them. And evening shifts are just a lazy morning with a couple of hours work

You sound like you believe your life choices make you superior to her e.g. couldn’t help noticing my house is bigger, i’m Considerably richer etc. She’s obviously picked up on this and is validating her existence. Perhaps you could just work out whether you like her and whether she has a place in your life and Chuck away the socio-economic survey by which you assess the worth of your friends, family et al..,

If it pisses you off so much, ignore the texts, mute the chat, delete her, or if you can't, change the notification of her texts so you know it's her and ignore them.. plenty of options.
Sorry but I can't get worked up about this.