‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

Resentfulness is destructive.

I'm too busy to list my day JFC...

I think the busyness aspect is misleading - I had a friend who was like this but with her it was constant going on about various things in her life and how terrible they were - she did have some tough stuff happening, but it became like a tic where every time you messaged her about anything she would respond with a message about how tough xyz was atm. She would rarely acknowledge what you had originally messaged about (or sometimes just with a 'yes' before launching into her moan) and she even did this when you were messaging about your own tough situation. What had been a lovely WhatsApp group of friends hasn't been used for years because the rest of us got so sick of it. She wasn't like this on the phone or in person - I think it was just a reflex thing because she felt needy and messaging was a way to get quick and constant validation. I suspect your friend is doing the same but in her case what needs validating is 'you are important' instead of 'your life is tough,' which is what my friend needed.

Ignore the obtuse posts, some people on here could start an argument in an empty room.

Yes that's bloody weird and annoying behaviour from your friend! To be honest I'd find her soul-sucking behaviour a complete drain and gradually phase her out. She doesn't appear to be adding anything positive to your life.

@Ineke

My DIL starts a new job soon, her hours are 7.30 am to 19.00 five days a week. Apparently this is normal. My son also works these hours. They make the most of their weekends both with leisure and house work. That’s busy. Having lunch with a friend is time out and I wouldn’t class that as being busy. I wouldn’t text back, if she asks why, tell her your busy also and don’t have time.

Not. Normal

Three dogs are three entirely optional pastimes?

She might feel the need to rant like this to you, if you are also mentioning to her about how busy you and DH are? Perhaps try to break the cycle and say something like; We're making a decision as a family not to validate ourselves by how busy we are, but by the joy we get out of the things we do, which includes working hard at interesting jobs, doing the best to help each other, and keeping our house a haven of peace and tidiness? Then, not discuss how busy either you or she, are anymore.

Not. Normal

@lentilsforever

what are you talking about?

Both people working 7.30-7pm is not “normal”
Does it happen? Of course
But is it “normal” ie average, no

Some people don’t have much awareness of what life is like for other people. They get absorbed in their own day… just ignore her texts. It’s just easier.

I wouldn't want to work 7.30 to 7pm

@Fomomofo

I wouldn't want to work 7.30 to 7pm

In healthcare it works well for some people, particularly in reducing costs of CC, petrol,parking although thats not usually 5 days , FT is 3 with 4 on the 4th week.

Busy is all relative- what’s busy for one might not be for another. For example, I say I am busy. I work 4 days, have a toddler and a husband, and a cat. I do the bulk of everything relating to housework, cooking and general life admin, as well as the regular duties that come with being a mum. I also spend far too long in my phone 🤷🏼‍♀️ Maybe I’d feel less busy if I didn’t spend so long scrolling but there we go!

It sounds a little like your friend is insecure - she obviously knows about your life/work etc, which sounds busy, but a different type of busy in comparison to hers - a day doing house work and meeting friends for lunch sounds like quite a leisurely day (imo).

Maybe that's busy for her, I work in mental health and have had patients who can't do 2 different but short appointments on the same day, they have to spread them across the week because they'd be "too busy". They don't work, study do housework or anything. I dread to think what they'd make of my usual schedule or most people's.
You could suggest she could save time by texting less.

I get you, OP.
I dunno why folk have to argue about EVERYTHING on here. It would (and does) drive me absolutely crazy too. So bloody hard to bite your lip. I've no answers, just wanted to let you know that I totally empathise. x

I would not respond at all, or just respond with, 'apologies a bit busy right now. talk soon'. when she does it.Hopefully she will get the message if you are consistent.
It does seem that some people have to validate themselves with how busy they are because they are insecure, others have to show they are having a wonderful time / life by posting their entire life on Facebook.
We all make choices, maybe she is trying to show that just because she doesn't work and doesn't study, she is still super busy ? perhaps in some way she feels a little intimidated by everything you manage to fit in ?
I also work full time from home with 2 kids at school, have 1 dog and biggish house but I know that I simply could not fit studying in as well and I have a cleaner !.

Just a thought, but I think this is more about her self esteem than being competitive.

best
x

@mamabear715

I get you, OP. I dunno why folk have to argue about EVERYTHING on here. It would (and does) drive me absolutely crazy too. So bloody hard to bite your lip. I've no answers, just wanted to let you know that I totally empathise. x

Is it really so baffling to you that people have different opinions?

You read the op and empathise. Fair enough.

I read the OP and think why see it as a competition and be judgey

Both people working 7.30-7pm is not “normal”
Does it happen? Of course
But is it “normal” ie average, no

Just for the record. 8am - 8pm is a standard working day in the whole of my industry.

Well that’s great but again not “normal”

* Average weekly hours of work for full-time workers in the UK 1992-2021. As of August 2021, the average number of hours worked by full-time workers in the United Kingdom was 36.1 hours, compared with 31.9 hours worked in the same period of 2020.*

I work 9am to 11.30pm at least once a week and about once a month I have to pull a 9am to 2am at the weekend.

A standard shift would be 9-5 or 5-11.30 but that almost never happens.

It might not be ‘normal’ but it is common.

DH works 7am to 5pm most days.

Ghastly!

I'm a SAHM to 3 sons (11 - 7 and 2)
I know I do this to my DH (who is extremely supportive and helpful) on a daily basis. I've recently realised that for a very long time I've felt very unequal in our relationship (nothing to do with how DH makes me feel - as I said he is wonderful). I just feel that I don't contribute as much because I don't work. I make up for this - in my own head - by letting him know what I've done during the day so he knows I haven't been sitting on my bum all day. Even though he knows. He comes home to a tidy(ish) house every day, home cooked meals, clean laundry, ironed shirts. It's just my way of trying to let him know I'm trying to work as hard as he does.

It's really not a competition. You chose all this stuff that fills your day. Are you happy? Do you feel fulfilled? If the answer is yes then you are OK!

Your friend sounds odd to send you a list of what she does all day. Maybe she has anxiety?

Personally I feel busy when I have to do even one small thing in addition to the usual.

Like I said @lentilsforever Just for the record. I don't need Stats , thanks.

And putting ' Not Average' after a post sounds quite different from " Not Normal".

Well I'm.guessing for alot of people who work really long hours, they've chosen that path, not all I hasten to add, its not the path I've chosen