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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

630 replies

GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:10

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

OP posts:

ftw163532 · 10/11/2021 11:15

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

It's not her responsibility to validate your life choices. Don't be so judgemental. You're not better than her because you fill your time with different activities.

Comedycook · 10/11/2021 11:16

I'm a sahm of two school age DC....I feel busy most of the time... objectively I know I'm.not compared to many people. However I feel like small tasks then feel magnified...so I'm taking my kids to the dentist after school next week and I'm feeling stressed and busy just thinking about it.

Honestly, three kids, two dogs and a 60 hour working week would probably cause me to have a nervous breakdown...not being flippant. I genuinely think it would.

Original poster

GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:17

Like, I don’t doubt she feels like her life is busy and stressful, but why does she think I’m the person to moan about this to?

Maybe I will start playing the game, perhaps that’s what she wants?

I do actually find it pretty insulting.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 10/11/2021 11:17

@ftw163532

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

It's not her responsibility to validate your life choices. Don't be so judgemental. You're not better than her because you fill your time with different activities.

Of course she's not busy!

balzamico · 10/11/2021 11:18

I know a couple of people like this, i think it stems from low self esteem and a need to validate themselves.
You carry on and let her do the same. Don't respond to her busy messages - your too busy after all!!

Original poster

GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:19

@ftw163532

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

It's not her responsibility to validate your life choices. Don't be so judgemental. You're not better than her because you fill your time with different activities.

I’m not sneering at her activities. I’m questioning why she frames all her totally optional activities as being so busy and stressful. And if I ever say, for example, that I’m tired today., she will counter it with a long text about how tired she is what with all the things she has to do.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 10/11/2021 11:19

I don't think it is a dig at you, some people like listing their tasks it is more of a habit.
My Dsis will ring for a chat then start listing her day.
I do eye roll thinking I don't bloody care.
We're all busy in our own way.

Fomomofo · 10/11/2021 11:19

I agree just cos she don't have '3 kids 2 dogs and a big house', doesn't mean she can't be busy

Fomomofo · 10/11/2021 11:20

All your activities are totally optional, your career, your studies, your kids, your dogs, your big house, you chose all that

DrSbaitso · 10/11/2021 11:21

If you want a job done, give it to a busy person.

Comedycook · 10/11/2021 11:22

@GaiusHelenMohiam

Like, I don’t doubt she feels like her life is busy and stressful, but why does she think I’m the person to moan about this to?

Maybe I will start playing the game, perhaps that’s what she wants?

I do actually find it pretty insulting.

I wouldn't be insulted....we all make our own choices. I chose to have two DC rather than three because I don't want the extra stress. I don't have pets because quite honestly I can't be bothered. I don't work but we're not rich...I'd rather have more free time than more money. You have chosen to have 3 kids, pets, a demanding career and to study. No point feeling bitter that other people don't live like that

EmeraldShamrock · 10/11/2021 11:22

All your activities are totally optional, your career, your studies, your kids, your dogs, your big house, you chose all that.
Exactly.
It isn't a competition.
You made your choice on how much you can cope with so did she.

ufucoffee · 10/11/2021 11:22

I would definitely fire back with a 'omg I know exactly what you mean but think yourself lucky you don't have a job ha ha' then list what you're doing that day. If you do it please tell us what her response is OP

Caspianberg · 10/11/2021 11:22

I think it’s fine. They obviously do feel busy doing those things in their life, they don’t have to compete over who is actually the busiest.

I feel like I’m pretty busy this week. Have 1 year old to look after full time, have a couple of private consultations to fit in work wise and prep for them ( only about 4-5 hrs). Run B and B which is quiet season, but I’m in deep clean and repair mode ie painting touch ups today when Ds sleeps. Have car mot, and new kitchen and flooring appointments this week still. As well as regular day to day life.
I’m sure loads of people have a busier life, but by the end of each day I have barely sat down and am knackered ( on mumsnet now whilst watching Ds in sandpit in garden)

Original poster

GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:23

@Fomomofo

All your activities are totally optional, your career, your studies, your kids, your dogs, your big house, you chose all that

Yeah I know that, which is why I pretty much never moan on about how busy and stressed I am.

I’m talking about multiple daily texts listing her jobs for the day and how tired and stressed she is. She could literally stay in bed all day and it wouldn’t affect anyone else negatively.

OP posts:

Graffittiunderpass · 10/11/2021 11:23

I have a friend who does this. She's Sah and her son is a 21 yo at Uni in another country.

I work full time and have two dc one with SN

She's constantly "up to her eyes"

Youdoyoutoday · 10/11/2021 11:23

Your relative sounds like a bit of a wally and those type of texts would annoy me too but I don't think I'd be responding as often as you must be.

However, you're the one spreading yourself so thin in the lifestyle you chose, no one said you had to have 3 kids and 2 dogs and work all those hours and then chose to study on top.

ufucoffee · 10/11/2021 11:24

@Fomomofo

All your activities are totally optional, your career, your studies, your kids, your dogs, your big house, you chose all that

Yes the OP did choose those things but that doesn't mean her life isn't busier than the person who has chosen not to work.

SickAndTiredAgain · 10/11/2021 11:24

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

She texted saying she had to iron, clean the bathroom, go to Sainsbury’s and then lunch with a friend and called this a busy day that was making her tired to think about. I would say that objectively that day isn’t that busy.

Graffittiunderpass · 10/11/2021 11:25

Also if I tell my friend about something I read online. Shes immediately "hark at you with time to read online. Well for some!"

Original poster

GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:25

@Youdoyoutoday

Your relative sounds like a bit of a wally and those type of texts would annoy me too but I don't think I'd be responding as often as you must be.

However, you're the one spreading yourself so thin in the lifestyle you chose, no one said you had to have 3 kids and 2 dogs and work all those hours and then chose to study on top.

I’m not complaining about my life though?

OP posts:

Graffittiunderpass · 10/11/2021 11:26

And my friend would NEVER have the time to read on MN, because you know...she's extremely busy

Ratherly · 10/11/2021 11:27

I wouldn't bother playing the game, tempting as it sounds. She's utterly self absorbed and nothing will change that.

She possibly is insecure, if anything I'd text back saying how I'd love her life, make her feel good about her choices? If you do it every time she may stop

NotExactlyOptimistic · 10/11/2021 11:28

People who constantly go on about how busy they are just want people to think their lives are interesting

ToykotoLosAngeles · 10/11/2021 11:28

The only person I know who does this used to work and now doesn't. I am 99% sure she does this to "prove" she has made the right decision, to herself and others. Conpletely unnecessary.

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