‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

@ftw163532

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

It's not her responsibility to validate your life choices. Don't be so judgemental. You're not better than her because you fill your time with different activities.

No, she creates supposed "busyness" and insists on telling OP. If anything it is she who thinks she is superior. Having lunch with a friend is hardly tiring or frantically busy.

From your OP I read someone who is completely self-centred and can only talk about anything that relates to her personally. That's not a desirable trait, but when coupled with the kind of repetitive, negative race to the bottom in which nobody could possibly have it worse than she does, you arrive at the kind of personality whose company I find insufferable. We've all met the type, if you've broken your leg, she's broken them both.

The only way to win this game is not to play. The one response people like this cannot bear is nonchalance.

The 'busy' bit is a bit of a red-herring as far as I can see.

I have a friend like this, she will say Things like 'I can meet for coffee between doing the laundry and walking the dog but only for 1/2 hour' . I find it infuriating.

Some people just like to moan!

Not sure why you are so bothered by this? Is it really just about her choosing the wrong person to complain to, or maybe something to do with feeling unappreciated yourself? Or people getting the wrong idea about what you and your life are like because of their prejudices? Something like that?

I'd be annoyed by someone constantly texting me banal rubbish when I was trying to work, but I'd probably just mute them and then only reply occasionally, to wean them off it.

I probably have posted about this before tbh, or similar.

Family politics means I can’t ditch her, so I come here to vent every so often

I would just text back each time, know how you feel, this is my day today

And do it every single time

Your dh needs to do the same to hers

Its about perception isn't it? Some of the things on your own list I wouldn't use to demonstrate my busyness. Have a shower? (We all wash!) Walk the dogs (I enjoy so see as down time not a chore) Had a coffee (assume tongue in cheek?) It also depends on how much time you invest in your tasks. Hoovering to me is a 5 minute push round the middle of the room while I wait for the kettle. To some it means shifting furniture about. She's probably picking up the vibes that you see yourself as managing a career, family and bigger house effectively, with the help of your fabulous H, and thinks you are a bit smug, and think you're superior to her, so is going to pains to show she's busy and fabulous too.

Have a biscuit

All your activities are totally optional, your career, your studies, your kids, your dogs, your big house, you chose all that

But OP isn't constantly texting her friends moaning about how busy she is. That's the point.

We all know people like this - there is literally no point in engaging

'I have a headache; she has a migraine'

They are very, very annoying with zero emotional intelligence

Everyone's got a different level of busy.

It's when they are competitive about it, is when it grates.
She's an Elevenerife. You go to Tenerife to a 4 star hotel, She has to go to Elvenerife to a 5 star...

I usually complain about being busy when I'm feeling anxious or worried about something. As opposed to those times when I'm equally busy but not worried about anything else.

She's not busy, she is doing all the things an employed person does, though an employed person has to fit those routine things around their paid work.
It seems like she is embarrassed she does so little all day and is trying to justify it to you - though I can't imagine why. Bizarre to text someone to tell them you do chores just like they do. Hardly exciting conversation.

She sounds like she looooves chatting!!!! My mum is like that and will tell me the conversations she has with the butcher 🤷🏻‍♀️ just ignore and bring up subjects you would prefer to talk about

Just text and say you do understand poor her, and now you feel a little bit guilty that you are just off to enjoy a spa day. Guarantee she will text you back.

Hilarious!

@GaiusHelenMohiam

I probably have posted about this before tbh, or similar.

Family politics means I can’t ditch her, so I come here to vent every so often

Vent away! I get that it's frustrating: did anyone ever hear a version of 'me, me, me!' that isn't?

I shouldn't worry: AIBU is full of people queuing up behind each other to tell OPs what terrible people they are, regardless of what it is they're posting about.

It's just radio noise.

@ravenmum

Not sure why you are so bothered by this? Is it really just about her choosing the wrong person to complain to, or maybe something to do with feeling unappreciated yourself? Or people getting the wrong idea about what you and your life are like because of their prejudices? Something like that?

I'd be annoyed by someone constantly texting me banal rubbish when I was trying to work, but I'd probably just mute them and then only reply occasionally, to wean them off it.

It’s just the constant barrage. My job now gives me a good excuse not to reply, but when I was working from home she would text constantly and then ring the house phone, and the my husband if I didn’t reply because she was worried about me not responding. We’ve dealt with that now.

I probably reply to one text in a dozen, and never immediately.

I know from experience that if I ever needed emotional support myself she would turn it back round to her but she uses me as her sounding board daily.

I don’t understand some of the responses you are getting here. I think it’s really odd she messages you, who is clearly very busy, moaning about how busy she is . It’s really weird.

People shouldn’t moan to others who have that particular thing worse, someone who earns £50k shouldn’t moan about money to someone they know earns £20k, it’s inappropriate and so is the situation OP describes.

I would just reply to her saying “Ha, you are so lucky’ each time.

PS. If blocking would cause ructions, then simply don't bother to respond to her texts. If she asks why, say you're too busy. Ha!

I think overall YANBU to be a bit annoyed as I do know people like this, and it is kind of annoying.

But I think one person's busy is another person's quiet, everyone's perception is different and it can really depend on the pace of life you're used to. It's why retired people all of a sudden become busier than ever!

How did you even find the time to start this thread op and continue posting?!

IME the people who talk / moan the most about how busy they are and why they never have time to do x, y and z are the ones who are actually the least busy. It drives me mad. I used to have a flatmate who'd ring just about every extended family memory every evening to moan about how much coursework she had to do. She could have done it in the time she was on the phone moaning about it!!

if you have time to keep telling people how busy you are, you are not that busy.

This. At the end of the day, someone who works is always going to be busier than someone who doesn't work.

@LaetitiaASD

"lol, that's not busy, that's a really chilled day my my standards. You're funny!!!! lolololol" every time she texts you?

I'd do this every time.

I consider myself to be a very busy person but there's no way i'd send out texts like your relative does. It's not a competition after all.