‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

Oh god, I have some relatives like this... I honestly think the best thing they could do would be to get an actual bloody job, that way they wouldn't have enough time to create all the extra "jobs" they find for themselves. Do they really think parents who work full time out of the home don't also do all those tasks

I wouldn’t belittle her, it’ll just upset her … especially over text it’ll all be more dramatic than it needs to be. Surely you can ignore some of the texts if you’re getting bombarded?

It sounds a bit like she needs to read a book so she has something else to talk about.

@lentilsforever

How did you even find the time to start this thread op and continue posting?!

I don’t start work until 2pm. I’ve been on the sofa with my iPad and my feet up since whatever time I started this thread. It’s bliss and I’m enjoying it.

Busy busy busy.

* I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…*

But first
Start a mumsnet thread

So that’s three hours to yourself op

Doesn’t sound madly busy to me

next time she tells you how 'busy busy' she is, suggest she takes a nap and don't engage with her further.

I had a friend like this. She worked 2 days a week, her then bf had a well paid job, no children, own car but she was so busy she couldn't fit in going to the shop to pick up a present until he came home from work and took her.

In the meantime I was a single parent working full time and studying part time without any help.

You just couldn't make it up.

@lentilsforever

So that’s three hours to yourself op

Doesn’t sound madly busy to me

Good job I’m not complaining about it then, eh?

@GaiusHelenMohiam

My comment about being able to stay in bed btw is because she constantly bangs on about how tired she is. She could just go back to bed. Literally nothing stopping her.

Have you considered suggesting this, in a nice way? "sounds dreadful, why don't you go back to bed and have a rest today, and pick it up again tomorrow".

No you’re not

And too right

Not many get 3 hours on a Wednesday to kick back! So enjoy and let it go about your friend

I would hate this. I don’t even want daily texts from a partner 😆 why does she feel that she should be taking up so much of your time? Don’t get me started on ringing the house phone to ‘check you’re ok’ if you don’t reply. I don’t think the issue is whether she is busy etc it’s that she wants to take up so much of your time with nothing important

@Alicesays frequently in the past. I don’t bother anymore because the answer is always ‘I have too much to do today’. She doesn’t want solutions.

She's just one of those people. You're doing the right thing, not jumping to her texts.

This isn't about you.
I think it's a fairly common sahm thing. They feel the need to justify being at home because there's a perception of laziness. When I was a sahm 'busy' was a bit of a buzz word at the school gate. When asked I'd always say I'd spent the day watching homes under the hammer or similar.
Personally I wouldn't reply to the text because it's not a question.

@lentilsforever

No you’re not

And too right

Not many get 3 hours on a Wednesday to kick back! So enjoy and let it go about your friend

That reminds me, I have said before that I’m having a relaxing morning (stupid) and got ‘oh you’re so LUCKY to have that much downtime, enjoy your lazy day’.

Yeah I worked 14hrs yesterday and I’ll be working 10hrs today, on my feet, so fuck yeah I’m gonna be ‘lazy’ for a couple of hours in the interim.

I don't think its at all odd that she tells OP she is busy. People do this sort of thing all the time when they feel someone is doing more or better than they are. I was friends with a SAHM who would constantly tell me all she did. I was a working parent and she eventually told me she worried I would think she had it easy. When I recently lost weight several people started giving me unsolicited details of how little they ate. If you appear to be doing something well, people worry you are judging them negatively by comparison to yourself. And to be fair, in OPs friends case, she is right!

I think activity expands (or contracts) to fit the time available. If you are busy you do things more quickly, you prioritise, you schedule. If you have more time then you can do things more leisurely, but you probably don't have any more time left over.

You also get used to your own level of activity. So doing more than you usually do feels "too much". A bit like how my parents can't cope with my visiting on a day that they've done the supermarket shop, even though they are not actually doing anything else all day.

Just a thought, but wonder if she is actually depressed or on the way there.

When you are feeling that way, ordinary tasks can feel like wading through treacle. And even meeting one person takes a lot of mental energy.

Me, I only have one teen DD who I find mentally exhausting quite frankly. There is still so much to do and college keeps swtiching between remote learning and attendance at college so I never know from one day to the next whether I can say goodbye to her in the monring and get on with stuff, or whether she will be at home etc...

I would definitely fire back with a 'omg I know exactly what you mean but think yourself lucky you don't have a job ha ha' then list what you're doing that day. If you do it please tell us what her response is OP

Love this. You could also point out that your house is twice the size of hers 😉

Seriously: you don't seem to like her, maybe cool the friendship off.

You're so busy you have time to write this thread and respond over and over again??

You have no right to sneer at anyone else complaining about how busy she is. Take a good look at yourself first.

I've always found listing what you've done to other people very odd...I used to have a girl on facebook who did it:

"Tea cooked, hair washed, fresh bedding on, kids in bed, house cleaned...now chill."

It's like wow you washed your arse and changed your sheets, nice one!

Competitive busyness ?? Don't make me laugh.

Reply in a few days saying "Sorry I've not replied. I just have no time to text"

She'll one-up and become too busy to send those messages!

You are never going to change her.
Sending your list back wouldn’t have any impact at all - and personally I always have a big eye roll at the busy / mental load posts on here that involve the choice pet ownership, so I definitely wouldn’t send your list 😆. I do know that you weren’t complaining though!

I would ignore her texts, completely.
When she starts with the worried you’ve been abducted by aliens or whatever crap, do as you did re the house phone: put her in her place.

Is there any way you can channel her tedious daily tasks shit into a family whatsapp group? Then you don’t have to feel responsible to reply as sole recipient.

Or find an inane “you got this 👍🏻“ meme and send it as your reply EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Oh, fuck my sister did this (until I started ignoring her). It was so irritating and very pointed because of course 'real' women don't work.