‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

And I’m really not being judgemental about her life, it’s not that. It’s just that she’s objectively not busy, knows that I am genuinely stretched thin, but thinks I’m the right person to moan to.

And now I’ve spent my one morning off with her in my head space, moaning about it myself ffs.

If it wouldn’t cause ww3 I’d block her.

Why would you find it insulting? She feels busy and you feel busy. Your busy is no more valid than hers. I get that a daily text like that would be boring, but certainly not insulting. You do seem sneery with your big hour etc. Sometimes smaller houses are harder to clean and there are fewer places to put things btw.

I worked with someone like this. She was always so so busy, but did the least of anyone 🤷‍♀️ My experience is that if you have time to keep telling people how busy you are, you are not that busy.

You can't be that busy OP is your sniping on here

Maybe she feels she has to justify her SAH life to you as she anticpates you might disapprove. Getting a text about it everyday is OTT and strange.

I have a friend like this: SAHP to two teens and apparently runs herself ragged doing what most working mums do in their early mornings.

I’ll start by saying I love being busy: big job lots of travel, 4 DC, dog, NED role and trustee, volunteer for an advocacy group and sports team, book club, piano lessons etc. No complaints at all.

I hold myself to very high standard so like everything done “properly” as a result I’m up at 5:30 to exercise, walk dog, sort DC, get younger ones to school before being back at my desk for 8:20 and on and on….

Don’t feel insulted, it’s self centred and lacking in awareness on the part of your friend but doesn’t reflect on you.

@Fomomofo

All your activities are totally optional, your career, your studies, your kids, your dogs, your big house, you chose all that

Yep. I didn't really get the 'with no idea who she's talking to' as if you were busy accidentally or something.

I’m not sneery about the house thing fgs, her house isn’t even small. I just meant that she very much doesn’t need to be spending seven hours a day cleaning it like she makes out. She might enjoy doing it but it doesn’t ‘need’ to be done.

They are actually much better off financially than us due to lower mortgage, no childcare over the years etc. Nothing to do with sneery better off-ness. My job doesn’t actually pay that well despite the hours and responsibility but luckily I love it.

"lol, that's not busy, that's a really chilled day my my standards. You're funny!!!! lolololol" every time she texts you?

People cope differently with different things. Fuck off.

'Had a coffee' hardly work

I think she is intimidated by your capabilities as she likely knows she couldn't do what you do. This gives her the urge to equate what she is coping with and craves your validation of that.
I'd feel sorry for her as that's an uncomfortable way to feel. Everyone has different coping thresholds, I have a close neighbour who is like this and does similar (though not to same extent) to me, she tells me I'm like a big sister and looks up to me. I don't want a little sister, I'd quite like an equal friend but she won't be that as she puts me on a bit of a pedastal (no need, I'm as crap as the next person I just fall down on different things to her, but this is just her perception and it stems entirely from her self view).
It is annoying for you though.
In your position I would just ignore any message about her business just totally blank it and respond only to the ones about school plays, nights out etc etc she'll get the message eventually.

I would stop replying and stop initiating texts - she obviously won't change, I think we've all met people like this.

I have had a life very similar to yours and now have a life like your relative. I only have the life of your relative because I am now disabled. I’m in a lot of pain today so still in bed.

Unless people have small dc or caring responsibilities or a disability then I find it laughable when they go on about housework or shopping. filling their day. It’s a justification because they are probably embarrassed at how little is in their lives apart from domestic drudgery.

I freely admit I don’t have much to do but mine is forced upon me like today. I did a lot yesterday and I’m paying for it today,

I've read this exact thread before. I think even down to the thread title?

Some people seem to think being busy, even if self-inflicted faux-busy like this person, is a positive personality trait that everyone should aspire to and tell everyone about.

However, as someone who also doesn’t work, I am sick to the back teeth of snidey twats asking what I do all day and basically asking me to justify my existence, so maybe this woman is just trying to pre-empt that. The judging that goes on from women who work is incredible, they genuinely think you’re either in bed all day or at a spa or something, and treat you accordingly. I personally dgaf about those people but perhaps the person OP is talking about does.

Block!

My mother in law does this. Retired, worked part time since 1991 before she retired. Has a cleaner. Busy to her is the day she has to do grocery shopping or visit her friends. I think because she has no other external pressures on she stretches out the tasks. So shopping in the morning, have a look into the home and clothes, have a coffee in Sainsburys, bring it home. That's a good couple of hours. Put freezer stuff away, have lunch. Put fridge stuff away. All tins still on the worktops etc so that won't get done til the evening or even the next day. In her head she's spent a whole day dealing with the grocery shopping but not really considered that she sat and read a book in between putting the butter away and then sticking the tins in the pantry. To her she's spent hours on it rather than a couple of hours with long gaps in between

Let me tell you what it actually is, she is busy but what she is actually saying is “I’m bored out my fucking mind and my life is dull”

I think different people have different definitions of busy. I'm always told by colleagues when I go into work "it's been busy" and I then find that certain jobs haven't been done because "it's been busy". But my definition of busy is different. Yes, the phone constantly rings with queries but I can still get most jobs done. I think it's because my previous job was a different ball game to their previous jobs.

No one in mumsnet is that busy.

It sounds like a dull conversation to have to be honest, I have little interest in how others fill their days though. I’d just stop talking to her about it, don’t reply or reply benignly with “That does sound like a busy day” or “Hope you can get an early night”. It’s only a competition if you play the game!

You don't have to keep people in your life who annoy the living daylights out of you OP.

Go low contact. It's liberating!

I have a friend like this. Not a SAHM, different circumstances. There is literally no winning, it's either tune it out or lose the friendship.

She's annoying and you don't like her. So why do you engage with her?

I can totally relate GaiusHelenMohiam as I too experience this from all aspects of my life and although it's annoying I never respond to the texts, I just smile and say nothing as I have tried every way to stop the constant complaining from various family members, friends and colleagues and even if I say I agree no one has it as 'hard as you' I get accused of being sarcastic (which obvs I was)
I have absolutely no advice and if your life follows the same pattern as mine you will get the 'it's ok for you as your husband did everything'.
Despite what people think, I don't feel smug or superior I am happy with my life choices and would do the same again. It may have been difficult at the time but my children are independent and confident and understand that you need to work hard which was lessons learned from having a good role model from both parents.