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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re my Christmas standoff

165 replies

ChristmasHumbuggery · 10/11/2021 08:48

I usually get lumbered with cooking Christmas for my in-laws because I live a distance away from my family and if they come to stay it is for a good few days and they miss out on everything around them. I have hosted my in-laws many, many, many times including DH's middle-aged siblings.

So last year I called off Christmas at mine due to Covid. As a result, certain in-laws got in a huff and they took it out on my DC by not getting them a Christmas gift, and then a birthday gift. That is all fine by me now because that leads me into my AIBU.

So, this Christmas my family are coming to stay as we have not seen them a lot over the past 18 months. My DH has been told by his mum that they won't come to ours then i.e. they are put out my family are coming. My point here is - I don't remember inviting them in the first place and since they have had the monopoly on Christmases with us why is this even a conversation?

I have started my Christmas shopping and I am not getting PIL/SIL anything. After all they don't buy anything for us and I do all the work at Christmas with zero thanks. If I do nothing, they will probably get nothing as my DH won't think to do it. Also, I am not inviting them over during the Christmas period. If they want to see us, they can invite us over to theirs and they can do all the work for a change, but they won't because they are tight gits.

So, my Christmas has just got a bit lighter but not less stressed out. I think there will be a massive standoff though and my DH will get stressed out with the PA comments from MIL.

Not really an AIBU but more of a rant. This year I feel I have made massive leaps on the Christmas front and have broken a very long-standing habit that had set in with my in-laws.

OP posts:
CeeceeBloomingdale · 10/11/2021 08:57

Ignore the fact you didn't invite them as they've said they aren't coming, no point causing an argument when it's already sorted. Tell you DH you won't be hosting them over the festive period but are open to going to theirs if invited. Tell him also that you are not buying them gifts then he will have the option to do that himself if he would like to. Job done, don't sweat it.

AnnPerkins · 10/11/2021 08:58

YANBU at all. Your DH sounds a bit lame though. You do all the inviting, the catering and the present shopping. If he only has to put up with some PA comments from his mother he's got off lightly.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 10/11/2021 09:02

I voted YABU - simply because you have a DH problem.

Why have you been doing all the cooking every single year?

Why doing all the shopping for in-laws?

You’ve created a rod for your own back here. Tell your DH he’s responsible for getting them gifts. If he chooses not to then that’s up to him.

Invite your family. Have a nice time. Leave DH to deal with his family.

Pumpkinsonparade · 10/11/2021 09:03

Sounds fab! They aren't coming!!
No need for any chat about it..
They are wanting you to grovel and beg them.
Fuck
That.
Your dh can write a Xmas card if he so wishes..

CityMumma78 · 10/11/2021 09:05

Good for you OP! Enjoy Christmas with your family and don’t feel guilty about DHs family who seem to have dominated previous Christmas’s. Not getting gifts for your DC is so ridiculously petty and just reinforces the fact you made the right decision.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Smile

FlaggRF · 10/11/2021 09:07

Why can't either PIL or one of DH siblings host and cook?

TrufflesAndToast · 10/11/2021 09:08

I would have cut them off the minute they decided to punish my children because they didn’t come for Christmas. Nasty people. Not sure why you’re wasting headspace on this or them, just get on with your life as if they don’t exist and let your DH deal with them and their drama.

PercyPiginaWig · 10/11/2021 09:09

I'm sure you wish you'd done it sooner.
No way would I have been putting up with that shit for years.

As a PP said you do have a DH problem, but he's an adult and the in-laws sound like you'd be better off seeing them less anyway. If you don't get invited then win-win.

Enjoy your Christmas with your family and for the love of all that is holy don't say you'll alternate Christmas with each. Do what you want to do.

Christmas21 · 10/11/2021 09:09

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family.

NessieMcNessface · 10/11/2021 09:11

Unbelievable how people can behave so badly. All the times you’ve hosted Christmas but rather then being grateful for everything you’ve done, they become resentful when you stop. I agree with Ceecee completely, it’s time you thought about your needs and those of your family; let your husband sort it out, you’ve done your bit.

Redwinestillfine · 10/11/2021 09:13

Why was it up to you to it their gifts in the first place? Just keep things light with them. Cheery ' hellos' and ignore any attempts to get you to feel bad.

Chloemol · 10/11/2021 09:13

Good for you. Leave present buying for his family to DH and if they say anything make it clear it’s down to him

Enjoy your Christmas with your family

TravellingSpoon · 10/11/2021 09:14

The not buying presents for your DC's would be enough for me!

Enjoy Christmas with your family.

Valeriane · 10/11/2021 09:15

What stance is your DH taking in all of this? Why isnt this his problem to solve?

LadyDanburysHat · 10/11/2021 09:17

Sounds like you will have a lovely Christmas.

The not buying presents is absolutely awful, and it would be a cold day in hell before I'd host them again.

Triffid1 · 10/11/2021 09:17

I'm trying to imagine a situation where MIL tries to punish me for cancelling Christmas as per government guidelines by not buying my DC presents.... and DH not going absolutely mental.

You definitely have a DH problem.

I actually think if you have invited them for Christmas every year, there is a tradition of them coming to you so I can see why they assumed that would happen this year. Personally, in normal times (ie not when your PIL have been passive aggressively punishing your DC) I would consider it ridiculous that you didn't have a conversation with, at the very least, your DH re your family coming and what that might mean for his family etc. But again, this is a DH problem - he's leaving all of this to you, you're getting resentful and he's not stepping in to help smooth things at all.

LannieDuck · 10/11/2021 09:18

Just tell DH that you're not buying presents for his side of the family any more, but if he wants to he should go ahead.

And then don't give it another thought.

SummaLuvin · 10/11/2021 09:18

YABU for wanting to host your family this year and have a break from IL.

However, while they should of course be grateful, if you have been hosting Christmas with IL for years and years and only called it off last year due to Covid I don't think it's outrageous for them to presume thats how it would happen again this year, especially if you have not let on what a drag you think it is.

abigailsnan · 10/11/2021 09:20

Well done you I hope it is less stressful for you and you enjoy the xmas period not being at PILs beck & call,and how childish are they for not sending gifts for birthdays what kind of grand parents would do that ??
I would certainly leave it up to your OH to sort gifts for his parents and let him deal with any fallout from them they sound so thoughtless & not worth the trouble of worrying about.
Enjoy your first stress free xmas with your lovely family.

IamnotSethRogan · 10/11/2021 09:21

:57CeeceeBloomingdale

Ignore the fact you didn't invite them as they've said they aren't coming, no point causing an argument when it's already sorted. Tell you DH you won't be hosting them over the festive period but are open to going to theirs if invited. Tell him also that you are not buying them gifts then he will have the option to do that himself if he would like to. Job done, don't sweat it.

This 100%

EdgeOfTheSky · 10/11/2021 09:21

Don’t step into the circus of drama.

You have hosted them many times.

It is a usual and commonplace thing to do Christmas with families alternately, stick to YOUR logic and don’t get bamboozled by theirs.

Keep this line with your DH. ‘Shame about COVID last year but that couldn’t be helped, could it?’. ‘They have been here for xx number of Christmases and it isn’t as if they have no other family members around them’ ‘DH, to be honest, given that I haven’t seen my family over Christmas for xx years I am finding it hard to see the issue with changes this year’.

Keep feeding him the logic and the reality.

His ILs sound hard work, possibly actually toxic. Keep your boundaries.

H1Drangea · 10/11/2021 09:22

Sounds like a win ,
They’re not coming ✅ doesn’t matter that they weren’t actually invited
Your side of the family are invited ✅
Less presents to buy ✅
More cash for presents for your DC ✅

Vickles20 · 10/11/2021 09:24

Job done. They’re not coming. Boom!
Nasty to punish you through your kids. That boils my piss.
But fuck them. And have the best Christmas OP!!! Flowers

Rachie1973 · 10/11/2021 09:25

@TrufflesAndToast

I would have cut them off the minute they decided to punish my children because they didn’t come for Christmas. Nasty people. Not sure why you’re wasting headspace on this or them, just get on with your life as if they don’t exist and let your DH deal with them and their drama.
This!
Loudestcat14 · 10/11/2021 09:25

@AnnPerkins

YANBU at all. Your DH sounds a bit lame though. You do all the inviting, the catering and the present shopping. If he only has to put up with some PA comments from his mother he's got off lightly.
This. ^

You do everything, he can deal with the backlash.

Plus it is bloody cheeky of them to assume they're invited. Don't they care that you've hardly seen your family?

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