AIBU re my Christmas standoff

[ChristmasHumbuggery]

I usually get lumbered with cooking Christmas for my in-laws because I live a distance away from my family and if they come to stay it is for a good few days and they miss out on everything around them. I have hosted my in-laws many, many, many times including DH's middle-aged siblings.

So last year I called off Christmas at mine due to Covid. As a result, certain in-laws got in a huff and they took it out on my DC by not getting them a Christmas gift, and then a birthday gift. That is all fine by me now because that leads me into my AIBU.

So, this Christmas my family are coming to stay as we have not seen them a lot over the past 18 months. My DH has been told by his mum that they won't come to ours then i.e. they are put out my family are coming. My point here is - I don't remember inviting them in the first place and since they have had the monopoly on Christmases with us why is this even a conversation?

I have started my Christmas shopping and I am not getting PIL/SIL anything. After all they don't buy anything for us and I do all the work at Christmas with zero thanks. If I do nothing, they will probably get nothing as my DH won't think to do it. Also, I am not inviting them over during the Christmas period. If they want to see us, they can invite us over to theirs and they can do all the work for a change, but they won't because they are tight gits.

So, my Christmas has just got a bit lighter but not less stressed out. I think there will be a massive standoff though and my DH will get stressed out with the PA comments from MIL.

Not really an AIBU but more of a rant. This year I feel I have made massive leaps on the Christmas front and have broken a very long-standing habit that had set in with my in-laws.

@Naughtynovembertree

Op and partners on the thread /stop stop stop buying your partners mums /dads sisters presents!!

Its not your place or business too!!

I know! Right?

A friend of mine told me she buys her OWN presents from her h as well as everyone else’s, including his family… she does it all.

I was shocked and told her so.

She’s sending links to H now

Yanbu. I'm currently in a Christmas stand off with MIL and it's fucking tedious. You have my sympathy

@MrsSkylerWhite

I would still buy them a token gift.

Not a chance. They've made their position perfectly clear by not sending gifts last year, so follow their lead and stop buying them gifts.

It must be a huge relief for you this year - having your own family for Christmas and not having to pander to your inlaws and their sulking. Enjoy it.

I'd say it was a good thing. They've stopped buying presents, so you can too. They're not coming for Christmas either. Win win! Send a card to say merry Christmas.

YANBU but do tell your DH in plenty of time that you are not buying presents for his family. That gives him the opportunity to sort it if he wants to and avoids an argument closer to Xmas when he realised you haven’t bought for them (and I agree, why should you!). Don’t let their bad behaviour overspill into your relationship.

Don't tell DH you aren't buying for his family - just let it roll. If he asks you what they're getting this year, "It's up to you, dear," is all you need to utter.

If he gets grief from them, make sure he knows it's his to deal with. You don't need to know.

Have fun with your family!

You deal with your family, leave him to deal with his. Simple. I don’t get why you’ve been managing this for years. Why not him?
And enjoy your family Christmas this year.

I’m at a loss as to why they felt that you/the DC should be punished for cancelling Christmas due to Covid. Presumably you were not in a tier that had no choice, so it was your decision and you decided not to take the risk. Are they Covid deniers or something?

Also, you say that if you did not get any presents then your DH would probably not do anything. There you have it- he doesn’t give a shit whether or not his sisters get any presents, so why worry about it? (And YABU for doing the shopping on his behalf all these years, the lazy fucker).

Where are the men in this? Is there no FIL or BILs? I don’t get why all the anger and upset is between OP, SILs and MIL. What have the men in this family ever had to do about Xmas or is it just all organised for them and they turn up oblivious of who has done what and who is hacked off with who? (I may be projecting a teeny bit here, forgive me if so)

Ok so there are no BILs, I will let them off as they don’t exist. FIL and OP’s DH are still in my bad books though.

Personally, I'd be doing the happy dance.

Channel your inner Elsa and 'let it go'. I think you're kind of stressing yourself out about a 'non-event'. They aren't coming. That's a win for you. Don't worry about their 'hurt feelings' since it you've entertained them enough in past Xmases without them reciprocating. But the bottom line is that since you do all the work you don't need to justify yourself to anyone, including your DH. If he wants to do something else, he can do it without your help.

Tell your DH sweetly that you're glad the holiday plans re his family are 'all settled' so early (not saying that you're actually happy they aren't coming) so the 'two of you' can get on with planning the holidays. If he says anything in future say "DH, that was all settled in early Nov, they've said they aren't coming". Emphasis on the 'they said' and the fact that they have made this decision, not you.

As far as gifts, frankly I jump at any valid excuse to cut my gift list down! Their aunties instigated it by not giving your children gifts, but I'd run with it. Depending on how you think they'd react I'd either just not say anything and hope they don't buy or send an email/text (or have DH do it) along the line of "Since covid seems to have cancelled our usual gift giving routine with each other, I think this is a good time to stay with this new 'tradition'. I'm sure all of us will enjoy having a little less shopping to do", or something like that.

I think you should break with some Christmas traditions at times, especially if you are hosting, Every year now, you read about the stress of Christmas things within families. People being awkward, people falling out, people refusing to visit for several reasons, people who visit, when you don't want them to etc..

Lots of people go overboard with Christmas stuff now, debating about it from September onwards , getting stressed about everything.
Christmas is not meant to be like this,!

Dad's mum was rude to my mum years ago just after I was born.
Said something spiteful during her vist - totally unprovoked.

Dad came home asked how his mother had been, found out and phoned his mum immediately - was furious that Grandma had spoken to the mother of his child like this .

Dad handed my mum the phone and told her 'Mum is to apologise to you'. Grandma apologised. He knew what she could be like but he would not tolerate it towards his own wife and child ever.

OP - Why is your DH not fighting your and your childrens; corner and addressing his parents and sisters behaviour towards you?

This is not about Christmas this is about your ILS behaviour towards their son's own immediate family. You and your children should be DH's priority.

Enjoy your Christmas OP and your children.

p.s we never had to spend Christmas ever. It was wonderful. Our own family unit in our PJs with toys and our pets and the stockings and food and mum and dad.

Dad's mum was rude to my mum years ago just after I was born.
Said something spiteful during her vist - totally unprovoked.

Dad came home asked how his mother had been, found out and phoned his mum immediately - was furious that Grandma had spoken to the mother of his child like this

Dad handed my mum the phone and told her 'Mum is to apologise to you'. Grandma apologised. He knew what she could be like but he would not tolerate it towards his own wife and child ever.

It’s really nice to read about a man who had/has the right idea. That is exactly how one should deal with rude, spiteful behaviour toward one’s wife. Too often men are so cowardly, cowed and pathetic when it comes to calling out nasty behaviour.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule t’s really nice to read about a man who had/has the right idea. That is exactly how one should deal with rude, spiteful behaviour toward one’s wife. Too often men are so cowardly, cowed and pathetic when it comes to calling out nasty behaviour

Thank you. Dad was someone who knew what his own mum could be like but as he was at work he couldn't be there when she visited but he was furious at her and he stood up for my mum.

My ex was unfortunately like OPs hubby and would just stand there cowed and follow his mum while she stomped off. Yes he is an ex........

OP's ILS should never be taking it out on her and certainly not her children.

@ChristmasHumbuggery Your ILS are not behaving like a considerate appreciative family in the real sense of the word. And you are not to be treated like the Christmas branch of Nandos.

You are quite right!

Atrocious behaviour. Although, it does make me wonder whether the SIL have any friends, because they sound so unpleasant. Clearly they are the golden DC and DH is not.

However OP, it never ceases to amaze me how people shoot themselves in the foot, by getting offended and flouncing off! They assume you will back down, apologize, but I think in you they have found an adversary. You are right to protect your DC from them. Try to look at it as having a Christmas off from them.

I do think you need to find out why DH is so apathetic about standing up to his family.

Am I really the first one to say "winner winner, turkey dinner"? 😁

The SILs have each other. Agree if they have no kids they are old enough to host. Having both sets of parents sounds too much. Let them have a lovely time with their daughters. The present thing would make me dislike them but it affects their relationship with their grandchildren mainly.

You have awful inlaws.
A weak, selfish, lazy husband.

Their pettiness regarding MY children would mean they would NEVER be invited again.

Your husband doesn't care about their nastiness towards his children?

Lovely.

I wouldn't have ANY conversation about the in laws or gifts in ANY shape or form.

It would be a non subject.

Should your awful spineless husband mention entertaining his awful family I would be telling him I would have no part of it.

You could do with some counselling to find out why you have made so little of yourself, skiving for HIS family, for years.

Good luck.

Where they hell is your DH sin all this?

Your post says my in all but one place, it should be our and us?

It's like everything is down to you!

Pathetic man.

@ChristmasHumbuggeryThis is my story too. I’m the same this year. I’ve had-enough of hosting and paying for it, and now the expectations around it. I’m also sick of the punishment (lack of) presents if I don’t host. I’m sick of the way I have been treated. They have made no contact at all with us regarding Christmas. We have NEVER been invited there. But I know they will be expecting an invitation.

This year we are going to have a small cosy Christmas and I can’t wait!

I think last year's messed up Christmas plus the covid infection has given people time to think about what they really do want to do for Christmas. Good on you making changes to suit yourself.

@ChristmasHumbuggery

I usually get lumbered with cooking Christmas for my in-laws because I live a distance away from my family and if they come to stay it is for a good few days and they miss out on everything around them. I have hosted my in-laws many, many, many times including DH's middle-aged siblings.

So last year I called off Christmas at mine due to Covid. As a result, certain in-laws got in a huff and they took it out on my DC by not getting them a Christmas gift, and then a birthday gift. That is all fine by me now because that leads me into my AIBU.

So, this Christmas my family are coming to stay as we have not seen them a lot over the past 18 months. My DH has been told by his mum that they won't come to ours then i.e. they are put out my family are coming. My point here is - I don't remember inviting them in the first place and since they have had the monopoly on Christmases with us why is this even a conversation?

I have started my Christmas shopping and I am not getting PIL/SIL anything. After all they don't buy anything for us and I do all the work at Christmas with zero thanks. If I do nothing, they will probably get nothing as my DH won't think to do it. Also, I am not inviting them over during the Christmas period. If they want to see us, they can invite us over to theirs and they can do all the work for a change, but they won't because they are tight gits.

So, my Christmas has just got a bit lighter but not less stressed out. I think there will be a massive standoff though and my DH will get stressed out with the PA comments from MIL.

Not really an AIBU but more of a rant. This year I feel I have made massive leaps on the Christmas front and have broken a very long-standing habit that had set in with my in-laws.

so why not go one further and do the same treatment to them as they do to you? invite yourself around their house, even better turn up unannounced

how nasty of them tho to take it out on your kids that way! it was against the law for you to see them! nothing at all you could have done about it but there was absolutely nothing stopping them wrapping up in a box the kids presents and sending via a courier, same with their birthday too.

i guess your secretly hoping for a christmas lockdown, which would help you out a whole load and save having to make excuses etc

Forget about everything it boils down to this for me - if someone had a problem with me and vented that by punishing my children, they would be cut from my life and I couldn’t give one fuck about what anyone else said about it. If PIL support them doing this to CHILDREN, then they can get to fuck to in my opinion.

Covid stopped Christmas last year, not you.

Selfish fuckers.