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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re my Christmas standoff

165 replies

ChristmasHumbuggery · 10/11/2021 08:48

I usually get lumbered with cooking Christmas for my in-laws because I live a distance away from my family and if they come to stay it is for a good few days and they miss out on everything around them. I have hosted my in-laws many, many, many times including DH's middle-aged siblings.

So last year I called off Christmas at mine due to Covid. As a result, certain in-laws got in a huff and they took it out on my DC by not getting them a Christmas gift, and then a birthday gift. That is all fine by me now because that leads me into my AIBU.

So, this Christmas my family are coming to stay as we have not seen them a lot over the past 18 months. My DH has been told by his mum that they won't come to ours then i.e. they are put out my family are coming. My point here is - I don't remember inviting them in the first place and since they have had the monopoly on Christmases with us why is this even a conversation?

I have started my Christmas shopping and I am not getting PIL/SIL anything. After all they don't buy anything for us and I do all the work at Christmas with zero thanks. If I do nothing, they will probably get nothing as my DH won't think to do it. Also, I am not inviting them over during the Christmas period. If they want to see us, they can invite us over to theirs and they can do all the work for a change, but they won't because they are tight gits.

So, my Christmas has just got a bit lighter but not less stressed out. I think there will be a massive standoff though and my DH will get stressed out with the PA comments from MIL.

Not really an AIBU but more of a rant. This year I feel I have made massive leaps on the Christmas front and have broken a very long-standing habit that had set in with my in-laws.

OP posts:
grapestar · 10/11/2021 09:26

Brilliant. You sound like me. I love someone who takes happiness out of upsetting the apple cart. Don't even bother getting them a card, they sound like they think you are putting them out. Enjoy Christmas with your family, you deserve it.

IntermittentParps · 10/11/2021 09:26

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

I voted YABU - simply because you have a DH problem.

Why have you been doing all the cooking every single year?

Why doing all the shopping for in-laws?

You’ve created a rod for your own back here. Tell your DH he’s responsible for getting them gifts. If he chooses not to then that’s up to him.

Invite your family. Have a nice time. Leave DH to deal with his family.

I agree with this. Your DH should have behaved like an adult from the start and cooked and shopped for his family. I'd point out to them that they weren't invited in the first place (yes, I would, childish as it may be), then crack on with having a nice Christmas. Tell your DH you don't want to hear nasty or PA comments from his family.
NameChange2PostThis · 10/11/2021 09:28

@CeeceeBloomingdale

Ignore the fact you didn't invite them as they've said they aren't coming, no point causing an argument when it's already sorted. Tell you DH you won't be hosting them over the festive period but are open to going to theirs if invited. Tell him also that you are not buying them gifts then he will have the option to do that himself if he would like to. Job done, don't sweat it.
This ^ Nailed in the first post.

Also - remind your DH that his DC was ‘punished’ by the in-laws, so suggest that. any effort/gift he chooses to make should reflect that.

Have a lovely Christmas.

MrsWhites · 10/11/2021 09:31

I see why they have pissed you off and yanbu to resent them but as far as I can see it’s problem solved all around:

1 - they aren’t coming to visit
2 - they started a precedent for not buying gifts anymore last year

The only issue you do have is your DH needs to grow a backbone and call them out in future. As someone else mentioned upthread, he should have pulled them up about not buying presents because you refused to break government rules!

PussyCatEatingPigsInBlankets · 10/11/2021 09:36

I wouldn't mention it to your DH.
It's all arranged, isn't it?
You are hosing your side of the family.
His side can sort themselves out.

Don't fall into the guilt pit of inviting them for next Christmas.

in-laws got in a huff and they took it out on my DC by not getting them a Christmas gift, and then a birthday gift

^remember this OP. If anything, they should host you next year. Xmas Shock

UpThePodge · 10/11/2021 09:39

Then your DH needs to tell her straight . You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain
enjoy!

Eddielzzard · 10/11/2021 09:39

They sound ungrateful and awful. What a relief for you! They have been hoisted by their own petard. Seize the opportunity with both hands

LookItsMeAgain · 10/11/2021 09:40

in relation to the comment that @ConstantlySeekingHappiness put in their post:
Invite your family. Have a nice time. Leave DH to deal with his family.
the only concern I would have with that is that you would invite your family to your home and your DH might do the same with his family (if he is being left to deal with his family).

I would make it very clear that you've hosted his family for X number of years, so you're hosting your family for the foreseeable number of Christmases. If he wants to visit his family that's on the cards but under no circumstances will you (both) be hosting his family until they reciprocate in hosting duties. It's only polite after all. Also, gifts for his side of the family are bought and wrapped by him. If he doesn't do it, you'll actually see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Original poster
ChristmasHumbuggery · 10/11/2021 09:42

Next year my family won't come and I am planning on going away with DH and DC. By that time PIL and my 2 SIL's will hopefully sort some new traditions out and I will only have to host them occasionally.

I know I cannot tell other people how to run their Christmases but if DH has 2 middle-aged sisters why am I doing every Christmas and not 1/3.

Also, it wasn't GP who didn't send presents, it was the 2 SIL's.

OP posts:
nextdoorslawnmower · 10/11/2021 09:44

Your husband is pathetic

theremustonlybeone · 10/11/2021 09:44

I agree with others, the minute they punished my DC would have been it for me.

They arent invited, focus on your own family and DC and leave your DH to deal with his family. I am surprised he didnt go nuclear when his parents behaved so badly towards his DC.

Enjoy your Christmas, dont give them head space, and leave your DH to deal with them

Skeumorph · 10/11/2021 09:44

Wow, you're being very restrained.

The minute these nasty, immature shits decided to PUNISH YOUR CHILDREN for you, um, not hosting them for ONE Christmas when you've bloody run around after them for years... that would have been the minute that contact was O.V.E.R.

Don't just make it about this Christmas.

Fuck them, for good.

The ONE reason you keep difficult family relationships going is for the sake of other people in the family. If they were tricky, but good grandparents... But, they aren't even that! How utterly nasty, I hope your children weren't upset.

No more contact. Just don't bother. Be polite if they contact you directly. Any nonsense, phone down/text ignored.

No more invitations. 'Sorry, not in the mood. DH, you can go to them if you like.'

No more presents or cards. 'Oh, I thought we weren't doing that any more after the 2020 Christmas Tantrum?'

No more nothing.

Don't even tell your DH you're not shopping for them. Why would you? It's his parents. If he thinks to check with you or the wardrobe or the postman whether, for some bizarre reason, they have taken on his job of making sure his parents have a Christmas present, you can tell him then. If not, it'll be a fun suprise on the day eh.

But you need do nothing now. There's no standoff, they were never invited, why even give them headspace, especially when they've cooked their goose anyway by being such nasty little shits.

VickyEadieofThigh · 10/11/2021 09:45

@TrufflesAndToast

I would have cut them off the minute they decided to punish my children because they didn’t come for Christmas. Nasty people. Not sure why you’re wasting headspace on this or them, just get on with your life as if they don’t exist and let your DH deal with them and their drama.
Absolutely this.
Original poster
ChristmasHumbuggery · 10/11/2021 09:46

I am so enraged with the SILs. They have had so much out of me and they are so spiteful for treating my DC like this. One reason why I don't want to invite PIL's is that you can't invite them without MIL saying "what about SIL's?" and she gets very upset about them being "excluded" like you have asked someone to leave their 7-year-old behind.

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 10/11/2021 09:47

@ChristmasHumbuggery

Next year my family won't come and I am planning on going away with DH and DC. By that time PIL and my 2 SIL's will hopefully sort some new traditions out and I will only have to host them occasionally.

I know I cannot tell other people how to run their Christmases but if DH has 2 middle-aged sisters why am I doing every Christmas and not 1/3.

Also, it wasn't GP who didn't send presents, it was the 2 SIL's.

You don't have to host them ever.

Take a leaf out of nasty SIL book and just shrug and say, don't want to.

When they tantrum, laugh and say, have a free Christmas maths quiz on me. Add up all the times family members have hosted. Divide it by FUCK OFF and work out why I'm not cooking a single fucking sprout for any of you until at least 2045. Oh and if you ignore my kids again it'll be the last time any of us even speak to you.

CurseofChristmas · 10/11/2021 09:49

Never invite them again. The moment they punished your DCs was a step to far.
If they bring it up to you just simply say "Why can't SILs host?" Bring it back on themselves.

theremustonlybeone · 10/11/2021 09:50

Just seen it was SIL who didnt buy presents. I think you are far more accomodating, your still talking about hosting but I think they will likely exclude you from their new traditions. So be prepared for that.

You backing off from presents which I agree with will also lead to issues.

So stay strong and ensure your DH deals with them.

ChicCroissant · 10/11/2021 09:50

It's fine if you don't wish to host your in-laws this year, I think the more warning you give people that Christmas plans will be changing the better - it's probably something you've wanted to do for years and used COVID as an excuse for last year, but they thought it was just a one-off and would be 'back to normal' this year. So I think there may have been less drama to have just told them that clearly which would have set the expectation for this year, rather than having to go through the whole circus again!

Have you/DH told them you are away next year yet? Because I'm guessing your DH might not have mentioned it yet ... and you don't want to be going through this again next year!

Skeumorph · 10/11/2021 09:50

@ChristmasHumbuggery

I am so enraged with the SILs. They have had so much out of me and they are so spiteful for treating my DC like this. One reason why I don't want to invite PIL's is that you can't invite them without MIL saying "what about SIL's?" and she gets very upset about them being "excluded" like you have asked someone to leave their 7-year-old behind.
Honestly, this kind of thing is so batshit that it's just another reason why you draw a line under the whole thing and say, no more. Ever.

Minimal contact.

Christmas with your family and when they ask why say 'Because I'm sick of being used, especially by selfish childish SILs.'

TravelLost · 10/11/2021 09:51

I agree with @ConstantlySeekingHappiness.

You have a DH problem. If he is struggling with PA comments etc… then he is also welcome to organise something with his family. And by that I mean, getting presents, meeting them to exchange said present, cooking if they are coming over etc etc
He is also welcome to have a word to his sisters and let them know that punishing the dcs for no Christmas past year, ESPECIALLY seeing the circumstances last year is not on. And he is not standing up for that.

Frannibananni · 10/11/2021 09:51

@IamnotSethRogan

:57CeeceeBloomingdale

Ignore the fact you didn't invite them as they've said they aren't coming, no point causing an argument when it's already sorted. Tell you DH you won't be hosting them over the festive period but are open to going to theirs if invited. Tell him also that you are not buying them gifts then he will have the option to do that himself if he would like to. Job done, don't sweat it.

This 100%

Definitely this. It’s perfect and reasonable.
Lobelia123 · 10/11/2021 09:52

Perfect example of selfish grabby fuckers cutting off their noses to spite their face. They had a good thing going there for a long time and now its broken, and they only have themsleves to blame....textbook example of karma being a bitch, innit. Too bad so sad, have a wonderful Christmas with your family!

PomRuns · 10/11/2021 09:52

This sounds so familiar !

I always seem to host and I'm a bit fed up of it.

Are SILs married with own homes?

TravelLost · 10/11/2021 09:53

@ChristmasHumbuggery

I am so enraged with the SILs. They have had so much out of me and they are so spiteful for treating my DC like this. One reason why I don't want to invite PIL's is that you can't invite them without MIL saying "what about SIL's?" and she gets very upset about them being "excluded" like you have asked someone to leave their 7-year-old behind.
What is your DH saying about that?

Is he accepting that his sisters are treating his dcs the way they are?
Is he also happy to see his parents treat him, his dcs and yourself as his DW the way they are?

hardboiledeggs · 10/11/2021 09:55

I would have advised them not to worry as they are not invited this year or any year after. You cancelled due to a deadly virus that has killed thousands then they try to hurt your kids? I'd never see or speak to them again tbh.