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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re my Christmas standoff

165 replies

ChristmasHumbuggery · 10/11/2021 08:48

I usually get lumbered with cooking Christmas for my in-laws because I live a distance away from my family and if they come to stay it is for a good few days and they miss out on everything around them. I have hosted my in-laws many, many, many times including DH's middle-aged siblings.

So last year I called off Christmas at mine due to Covid. As a result, certain in-laws got in a huff and they took it out on my DC by not getting them a Christmas gift, and then a birthday gift. That is all fine by me now because that leads me into my AIBU.

So, this Christmas my family are coming to stay as we have not seen them a lot over the past 18 months. My DH has been told by his mum that they won't come to ours then i.e. they are put out my family are coming. My point here is - I don't remember inviting them in the first place and since they have had the monopoly on Christmases with us why is this even a conversation?

I have started my Christmas shopping and I am not getting PIL/SIL anything. After all they don't buy anything for us and I do all the work at Christmas with zero thanks. If I do nothing, they will probably get nothing as my DH won't think to do it. Also, I am not inviting them over during the Christmas period. If they want to see us, they can invite us over to theirs and they can do all the work for a change, but they won't because they are tight gits.

So, my Christmas has just got a bit lighter but not less stressed out. I think there will be a massive standoff though and my DH will get stressed out with the PA comments from MIL.

Not really an AIBU but more of a rant. This year I feel I have made massive leaps on the Christmas front and have broken a very long-standing habit that had set in with my in-laws.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 10/11/2021 09:55

I think I would have 2 conversations with your DH. Just so that he realises that he needs to take this on if you have always done it.

  1. The calendar in December. This is something we do about now every year as dc have things at school, birthday parties etc and one of my dc has a birthday over the festive period too. It also gives us the chance to think we haven't seen X for a while shall we try and book them in pre Christmas etc. Make it clear when your parents will be with you, and perhaps identify a couple of days where you would accept an invite from the inlaws but be clear that you are not hosting them. Then when they start on DH you can simply reply well we identified 21st and 29th Dec as possibles if they want to invite us then.... and move on!
  1. A present list. I've bought this for dad, and that for dc1, what do you think we should get for dc2, can you pick out some wine to order for my bro etc... again so it is clear to DH that you are not including his family. If he questions it say I thought we'd stopped presents with them as they didn't get dc anything last year or for birthday and they dont get us anything anyway? If he twitters about it say well you can get something if you want but I'll leave that to you...

That way you are being clear with your DH that you have considered them, and that it is down to him to sort. Done now it gives him plenty of time and also off loads that mental load / stress before the silly season starts.

hardboiledeggs · 10/11/2021 09:56

@ChristmasHumbuggery

I am so enraged with the SILs. They have had so much out of me and they are so spiteful for treating my DC like this. One reason why I don't want to invite PIL's is that you can't invite them without MIL saying "what about SIL's?" and she gets very upset about them being "excluded" like you have asked someone to leave their 7-year-old behind.
They are taking the piss out of you OP as is your DH for allowing this to happen.
gingerbiscuits · 10/11/2021 09:57

Good for you - they sound bloody rude, ungrateful & spiteful. I would be outraged at them taking it out on your kids! Let them be as passive aggressive as they like - tough!!

wavingwhilstdrowning · 10/11/2021 09:57

I did this years ago - I have no idea why so many posters on here put up with emotional abuse and still do all the 'wife work'.

Iloveacurry · 10/11/2021 10:01

Good for you! Are the SILs incapable of cooking themselves? Do they not have husbands or their own families? Why should it all be down to you!?

Cocomarine · 10/11/2021 10:02

I think it’s your choice now, about whether this year is not “less stressed out”.
You have to make the choice that:

  • there is no stand off, as far as you’re concerned
  • you don’t care about passive aggressive comments
  • and that you’re not taking on the mental load of worrying about your husband, because frankly he isn’t bothered enough about it to head them off with buying presents himself for them - so why should you be?!

The only bit that’s maybe very slightly unreasonable is being irritated by them saying they’re not coming, like they were invited. Covid was a special case. If they’ve come to you every year for a long time, it’s not rude for them to assume they’d be invited this year. Obviously everything else about them is rude though!

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 10/11/2021 10:02

Well done for standing up for yourself.

Have a lovely Christmas without them!

CharityDingle · 10/11/2021 10:03

@CeeceeBloomingdale

Ignore the fact you didn't invite them as they've said they aren't coming, no point causing an argument when it's already sorted. Tell you DH you won't be hosting them over the festive period but are open to going to theirs if invited. Tell him also that you are not buying them gifts then he will have the option to do that himself if he would like to. Job done, don't sweat it.
100% agree.
Cocomarine · 10/11/2021 10:04

Your SILs are pretty nasty pieces of work on the presents!

On the Xmas present alone, I was really surprised when my husband and his family didn’t do present last year (Covid, cancelled usual meet). He said that for them, it’s all about the experience of watching each other un-wrap. So there’s a little bit of me that wondered that for your SILs.

Then I read the birthday presents too!

I would cut that shit completely out.

Original poster
ChristmasHumbuggery · 10/11/2021 10:05

Are SILs married with own homes?

Both SIL's have their own homes, are not married, and have no DC. Both in their '40s.

OP posts:
TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 10/11/2021 10:07

They say they aren’t coming for Christmas, you say “ok” and move on. Don’t even enter into conversations about it, keep being a broken record if you have to engage in some way. For example if they try to start a tantrum about it just repeat “ we are busy with my family this Christmas and you said you weren’t coming.” Repeat until they get bored. Let it wash over you and don’t allow it to turn into a standoff.

EL8888 · 10/11/2021 10:08

Stay strong. They are CF's! Plus very nasty. Why do people think Christmas involves women running round after other people and having no say in it. In your situation l would do exactly the same.

SeasonOeufMistes · 10/11/2021 10:08

I'd also tell your husband you don't want him passing on his family's passive aggressive comments to you. You are no longer interested. He can keep them to himself, and deal with his relations himself.

Platax · 10/11/2021 10:08

You wouldn't have been allowed to have the in-laws over last Christmas anyway, would you? Don't they understand that?

Your DH does need to point out to his relatives that it really is their turn. If they still huff, he needs to ask them why on earth they think you should do all the hosting - and all the work - every year.

farnworth · 10/11/2021 10:09

I agree with everyone else
Have a wonderful time with your family, you have earned it!!

Having read your updates, it seems as it was the SILs who got in a huff and haven’t sent presents, not your PILs. I think perhaps if you want to reduce a bit of stress and maybe aggro for your DH, and to maintain a reasonable relationship with them, then maybe tell your DH get the PILs a present - even if it is just alcohol or flowers! Possibly too tell him he can ask his parents over for a drink or snack or meal over the festive period to see the grandchildren, but make it clear it is just them and to shut down in advance any comments from his DM if she asks about asking his sisters. (And that he has to be ready to tell her how his sisters have both deliberately not bothered sending presents for birthdays or Christmas, and so upset the kids and his wife, hence no invite - that it is not him excluding them, but them behaving badly and this is not acceptable behaviour from adults.)

It would also be good if he spelt out to his parents that they were VERY lucky they had lots of Christmases hosted and cooked by ChristmasHumbuggary but that this was never going to happen every year - that she would want her family some years or that you might want just a Christmas together on your own, here or away on holiday. A frank conversation or email might reduce any passive aggressive comments.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/11/2021 10:10

I would still buy them a token gift.

Opal8 · 10/11/2021 10:14

You have a dh problem

Icebreaker99 · 10/11/2021 10:18

They are shit in-laws if they don't buy the kids gifts due to an issue with the parents. Fuck that! Your kids don't need toxic people in their life like that, especially over Christmas!!

anon666 · 10/11/2021 10:19

It sounds like COVID has given you an opportunity to step back from it all and stop them taking you for granted.

Well done! I had to detach with love from dh and his lack of family effort. His lovely mum kept chasing me initially as intermediary, but I needed to discourage that by being less available. It just makes me end up carrying the mental load of literally everything. I'm not his mum, his PA or his butler!

I genuinely see this as a necessary thing to do for future generations, or else we women will never have equality. Sad but true. The older generation of females can't see this perspective, being more dyed in the wool. But then again half of them either didn't work or did small part time jobs. Nor did they have the opportunities we have. I feel we have to pick - back to their loss of empowerment, or stop doing all the dogsbody work.

I still do some of this stuff, but only where I opt in at my choice, not where there is an expectation.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/11/2021 10:19

Yanbu as long as you have communicated this to your husband, yes its shit that you normally do the present buying but if you normally do it you need to tell him you're not this year in advance.
If you don't want to host that's fine but personally I'd ask your husband what he wants to do, he might not want to fall out with them completely so he might want to ask them round for a cup of tea or something or go out for a walk or something so it comes across like he still wants to see them rather than just completely avoid them because you dont want to host

GiantHaystacks2021 · 10/11/2021 10:23

Are you married to a eunuch?
'Cos your "D"H seems to have no balls.

SummerOrAutumn · 10/11/2021 10:24

The last time my MIL ever spent Christmas with us was the one she spat her dinner out at the table and told me it was disgusting. Not the first time she'd complained about my cooking but it was the ONLY TIME she did it to my face (was usually done by phone after going home bitch). Charming woman Hmm

theremustonlybeone · 10/11/2021 10:25

SummerOrAutumn i am assuming she wasnt invited back and her DS kicked her out?

comfortablyfrumpy · 10/11/2021 10:28

As above - DH problem.

But I'd be tempted to just not mention it again this year - you've got your family coming and that's that.

If it comes up again, just say you think you've been a bit selfish insisting on hosting every single year and you've decided it would be nice to let others host for a change Grin

JustLyra · 10/11/2021 10:29

@ChristmasHumbuggery

I am so enraged with the SILs. They have had so much out of me and they are so spiteful for treating my DC like this. One reason why I don't want to invite PIL's is that you can't invite them without MIL saying "what about SIL's?" and she gets very upset about them being "excluded" like you have asked someone to leave their 7-year-old behind.
I’d be quite blunt with my MIL in that situation. People who punish my children because they’re in a huff with me don’t get invited to my home.

Has your DH said anything to his sisters?