AIBU re my Christmas standoff

[ChristmasHumbuggery]

I usually get lumbered with cooking Christmas for my in-laws because I live a distance away from my family and if they come to stay it is for a good few days and they miss out on everything around them. I have hosted my in-laws many, many, many times including DH's middle-aged siblings.

So last year I called off Christmas at mine due to Covid. As a result, certain in-laws got in a huff and they took it out on my DC by not getting them a Christmas gift, and then a birthday gift. That is all fine by me now because that leads me into my AIBU.

So, this Christmas my family are coming to stay as we have not seen them a lot over the past 18 months. My DH has been told by his mum that they won't come to ours then i.e. they are put out my family are coming. My point here is - I don't remember inviting them in the first place and since they have had the monopoly on Christmases with us why is this even a conversation?

I have started my Christmas shopping and I am not getting PIL/SIL anything. After all they don't buy anything for us and I do all the work at Christmas with zero thanks. If I do nothing, they will probably get nothing as my DH won't think to do it. Also, I am not inviting them over during the Christmas period. If they want to see us, they can invite us over to theirs and they can do all the work for a change, but they won't because they are tight gits.

So, my Christmas has just got a bit lighter but not less stressed out. I think there will be a massive standoff though and my DH will get stressed out with the PA comments from MIL.

Not really an AIBU but more of a rant. This year I feel I have made massive leaps on the Christmas front and have broken a very long-standing habit that had set in with my in-laws.

Never invited back. I'm NC with her but DH is still in contact. He tries to keep the peace with her but she's a difficult woman with history of offending people. She broke up his first marriage by being a bitch to DH's first wife. And her other DIL is also NC with her.

Screw them, they sound horrible. Not getting presents for the kids because they are in the huff? I'd be making it clear I wouldn't be hosting them this or any other Christmas.

On the off chance one of them did host something I’d have my throw away comment nailed. Wine glass in hand, lighthearted ‘oh it’s been so relaxing this year and the last, I finally understand why you lot never offer to host usually - I have seen the light! We’ve already booked next Christmas away!’

What a ghastly ghastly ghastly Christmas this sounds
Lots of people together that don’t seem to even like each other

Absolute opposite to my small family Christmas.

One reason why I don't want to invite PIL's is that you can't invite them without MIL saying "what about SIL's?" and she gets very upset about them being "excluded" like you have asked someone to leave their 7-year-old behind.

Easy "since they did x they are not welcome here". Your DH can invite them if he wants but it is all on them. Tell DH he's in charge of communicating this if you are ever asked again.

For the PILs I'd let them know (via DH if you prefer) when you are available to visit them over the holidays to visit them. Don't extend them an in mutation if you don't want, and again all the work for visits to/from his side of the family is on him

So your MIL is a cheeky bitch & SILs are nasty.

if your husband gets stressed out by these people he needs help to disengage & stop caring about what people who don't give a fuck about him/you think.

It doesn’t matter if the Sil’s aren’t married and don’t have kids. If they’re single, they could have clubbed together long ago and alternated between your home and one or other of theirs. That way you’d only have hosted every other Christmas max.

You’ve been too nice and too kind. A walk over. After the Sil’s refused to send gifts, I would never host them again. Your dh has an issue of FOG. You have started the process of putting boundaries in place and as many have said, they and I wouldn’t invite the SIL’s again. No should be given countenance to treating your kids badly.

Your in-laws sound awful. Mainly for not respecting your wish to stay safe during ‘Covid Christmas’ last year and then basically punishing you for it.

Do feel a bit sorry for your DH though.

Brilliant!! I had my lightbulb moment a few years ago, it was such such relief!!

We get one side going away to other family, the other side just go away for the duration. They each tie themselves up in knots trying to justify it to us...they haven't realised that WE DON'T CARE!!! (But it's very amusing watching them!!).

@ChristmasHumbuggery

Sorry if this has already been answered, but what did DH say to his sisters when they decided to cut off his children's Christmas and birthday presents?

Your in laws have made the position pretty clear tbh - they want to treat your house like a holiday and you as staff. They clearly don’t value your family relationships if they chose not to buy your kids presents because they couldn’t come to be fed and waited on hand and foot.

Tell your DH straight out that you’re not putting up with it. From now on he’s in charge of present buying for his family and your in laws can come when they’re invited - they’ve had years of having it all their own way so it’s fair for that to change, but don’t expect them not to be pissed off.

My in laws do not like me and I spent years running around trying to be the best DIL I could so that they would. It was a lightbulb moment when I realised that they were never going to like me. It freed me from giving a shit about them. I delegate everything to do with them to DH to do, am pleasant and friendly when they turn up but I’ve never gone out of my way for them ever since, and I never will. It’s brilliant.

Brava OP.

I like that you have a plan for 22 as well.

You need to remember to keep turning this back on your DP and making it his problem.

Standing ovation! Seriously so proud you are doing things your way! They are spoilt and will throw their toys out of the playpen. Maybe by some miracle they will realise what tits they have been to you all these years.. have a fab xmas OP! You deserve it!

I would have cut them off the minute they decided to punish my children because they didn’t come for Christmas.

This

YA most definitely NBU!

Your MIL and SILs sound dreadful! Christmas is bloody hard work and it is unfair they expect you to be lumbered with it every year.

Equally, shame on your DH for not standing up for you. His mum should be able to attend without your sisters coming as well. Just because they are single, doesn't mean they can't go to see friends/cousins instead.

Who punishes kids because through no fault of their own, Christmas didn't happen? They are utterly horrible.

Not being unreasonable. My parents in law are like this. They see Christmas as something that should be put on for them at someone else’s expense and would cadge Christmas Dinner with Jack the Ripper himself if he offered to host and provide turnkey and booze. They’re also the kind of people who would withhold a Christmas birthday present from a child because of some petty reason. They’re pricks. First few years I made a lot of effort with them despite their rudeness, but since having kids I don’t have the time or inclination. Fuck ‘em.

*turkey! 😂

What nasty people. Choosomgnot to get their own grandchildren a Christmas gift because normal gatherings weren't possible in a fucking pandemic - that's just horrible.

Enjoy Christmas with your family and let anything the in-laws say or do be water off a duck's back. They have shown you what kind of people they are. You do not need their approval.

I am normally a ‘let it go’ person at Christmas but you have been treated appallingly.
You should absolutely stick to your guns here. Hosting difficult relatives is one thing, being treated like a doormat is a completely other thing

Tips for dealing with your husband.

Do not engage. If he mentions things they’ve said, Just shrug, say “oh well”, or “ that’s a shame” and change the subject.

He has had years outsourcing all his feelings about his family to you. You feel and express all the anger and stress so he doesn’t have to.
Do not pick up that rope! Do not engage.
He needs to feel what he feels and decide how he wants to act.

Not quite a mumsnet tickly laugh, but a shrug and a “meh” if he says they are upset.

Watch out for him trying to pick at you till you get angry about it. He may not realise he is doing it, but he wants a reaction.

Like others have said if he wants his parent to have presents, he can sort them.

Ah man, this encapsulates why I hated Christmas when I was married. In fact it was up there on the list of reasons why we divorced.

Don't see the bastards. Let your husband sort out his family.

How old are your kids? If the SIL are single do they have houses large enough to host all the family? What happens the years when you don’t host? Do PIL do it?
I don’t think you should feel any obligation to host them all, or buy presents. I’d tell your husband you’re not going to and give him the opportunity to get gifts if he wants to. Do they usually get something for you both?

I don't remember inviting them in the first place 😂😂

You're absolutely in the right, do not back down.
I can't believe they'd not buy your kids presents because you weren't making their dinner and that they don't buy you anything even when you buy for them. God you're a nicer person than me putting up with that shit.

@ChristmasHumbuggery

Are SILs married with own homes?

Both SIL's have their own homes, are not married, and have no DC. Both in their '40s.

Stand firm - their behaviour is awful.