AIBU re my Christmas standoff

[ChristmasHumbuggery]

I usually get lumbered with cooking Christmas for my in-laws because I live a distance away from my family and if they come to stay it is for a good few days and they miss out on everything around them. I have hosted my in-laws many, many, many times including DH's middle-aged siblings.

So last year I called off Christmas at mine due to Covid. As a result, certain in-laws got in a huff and they took it out on my DC by not getting them a Christmas gift, and then a birthday gift. That is all fine by me now because that leads me into my AIBU.

So, this Christmas my family are coming to stay as we have not seen them a lot over the past 18 months. My DH has been told by his mum that they won't come to ours then i.e. they are put out my family are coming. My point here is - I don't remember inviting them in the first place and since they have had the monopoly on Christmases with us why is this even a conversation?

I have started my Christmas shopping and I am not getting PIL/SIL anything. After all they don't buy anything for us and I do all the work at Christmas with zero thanks. If I do nothing, they will probably get nothing as my DH won't think to do it. Also, I am not inviting them over during the Christmas period. If they want to see us, they can invite us over to theirs and they can do all the work for a change, but they won't because they are tight gits.

So, my Christmas has just got a bit lighter but not less stressed out. I think there will be a massive standoff though and my DH will get stressed out with the PA comments from MIL.

Not really an AIBU but more of a rant. This year I feel I have made massive leaps on the Christmas front and have broken a very long-standing habit that had set in with my in-laws.

What does your DH think to their behaviour of not buying the kids gifts for Xmas and birthdays?

I expect in their minds you are now supposed to beg them to please come and let you host them and run round after them and how sorry you are for everything.

Expect more drama when they realise that won't be happening.

You have set a tradition by doing this for years ! It's one of those unsaid things that now becomes a 'given'.

They are ungrateful and entitled but it is partly your own fault for keeping it up so they have come to expect it.

Nothing to be done here. Say nothing and let them stew because anything said will be taken in any which way they decide to do so.

So, after reading your updates your gripes are with your DH sisters and not his parents.
Your OP suggested it was the parents being ungrateful.

I was on your side initially but now feel the parents are being blamed for something his sister's did.

I would be suggesting alternative years personally

Year one - in-laws host
Year two - sister 1 hosts
Year three - sister 2 hosts
Year four - you host both sides family
Year five - your parents host.
Year six - have a no family attending Xmas

Surely this is a more fair option and will kick lazy sisters into touch

Gosh they sound awful... I'd stop buying Xmas or birthday gifts for pil and sil, tell your dh if he wants them to have a gift then he buys and arranges it. As for hosting them at Xmas, just a hard no. Again, if your dh wants them to come over, you and dc go out whilst he hosts them. After the gift fiasco I'd not even bother going to see them if you're invited. Go low or no contact

They punished your children? All my friends with younger children stood on the doorstep/street to exchange gifts last year and wave through the window.

With our family we just wanted until we could and then exchanged gifts.

I couldn't get past them punishing my children. They do not come for Christmas ever again.

I wouldn't tell dh he has to buy presents for his family. I would simply not talk about it and just leave it to dh to think about. Then it's dh's problem when he realises at the last minute that he hasn't got them anything!

@HalzTangz

So, after reading your updates your gripes are with your DH sisters and not his parents. Your OP suggested it was the parents being ungrateful.

I was on your side initially but now feel the parents are being blamed for something his sister's did.

I would be suggesting alternative years personally

Year one - in-laws host
Year two - sister 1 hosts
Year three - sister 2 hosts
Year four - you host both sides family
Year five - your parents host.
Year six - have a no family attending Xmas

Surely this is a more fair option and will kick lazy sisters into touch

Having a full on rota sucks the joy completely, and who knows what they’ll want to do 6 years ahead? 🙈 Have the Xmas you want, and each year on a case by case basis consider invitations you would like to make, and ones you’ve received.

No one hosted Christmas last year unless they were breaking the law - Boris cancelled Christmas, remember? This is an excellent time to re-evaluate family traditions, time for someone else to do the hosting. OP, pleased you're having your family this year and are going away next year. As for presents, pretty nasty of your SILs to punish your children like that since they usually do presents.

I used to find presents a minefield, but a few years ago my family on both sides agreed a £10 limit for presents and preferably something homemade / charity shop / church fete, and only for people you're actually seeing over the holidays. When we see family at other times during the year if it's a birthday a small present is given, or if they have children under 18 and it's not a birthday, we might give them a tenner or two spending money. Any family children turning 18 or 21 are sent a decent cash gift for the big day (£100) and then it's back to the in-person rule only. Works for us, but then luckily most in our close family are reasonable people.

Hope everyone enjoys their holiday this year and if hosting unwillingly, hope you find the courage to state breezily over the pudding 'well this was our turn and it's been fun, now whose turn is it next year?'

Anyone who punishes children in such a manner because of their own pettiness should reap what they sow.They do not deserve a place at the top table so to speak,when they resort to those kind of petty ,hurtful games.Seriously what can they expect by pulling stunts like that? Dreadful behaviour displayed by them.

You definitely shouldn't punish children by not buying a present.

Additionally, they are taking advantage of you and I wouldn't be hosting them for Christmas.

However (trying to play devil's advocate), if you go to someone's house for Christmas etc, you would take gifts as a thank you. If you don't go then quite possibly you may not take gifts!!!!

When they tantrum, laugh and say, have a free Christmas maths quiz on me. Add up all the times family members have hosted. Divide it by FUCK OFF and work out why I'm not cooking a single fucking sprout for any of you until at least 2045

There is a Windsor Davies gif “Oh dear, how sad, never mind!” gif that was made for occasions like this!
If they tell you again that they’re not coming, give serious thought to sending it as a reply

Actually,they have given you a Christmas gift with their refusal to come!

Good for you OP, this made me think of Cinderella and the ugly sisters with MIL being the stepmother! Stand your ground. I don't think they deserve to be invited ever again to your house.

Had a similar situation with MIL a few years ago. After waiting for DH to raise Christmas arrangements with her for a few years, and him constantly failing to do it, I did it myself. What a relief. I got a stream of insults and she hates me now, but it was well worth doing and I wish I'd spoken up years ago.

@GloriaSicTransitMundi
No one hosted Christmas last year unless they were breaking the law - Boris cancelled Christmas, remember?

Well that rather depends where you live! Boris did not cancel Christmas where I live, we were tier 3 and could have a Christmas bubble with 3 households. I didn't take the risk personally but it was legal where I am. It was predominantly the SE affected last Christmas although I'm in the north and we had been restricted since September while the SE weren't.

They sound like absolute dicks. Punishing your children?? Horrible people. I'd cut them out completely.

I wouldn’t buy for the SILs but I would buy for the PILs but stand firm on not inviting them over. If your PILs brought for yours kids last year buy for them this year

Punishing children is so far over the line.

Let righteous anger see you through this. I wouldn't even bother making excuses, just use stern looks and silence that they can fill with blustering.

Have a ‘line’ ready

“I cancelled Christmas because of coronavirus and wanting to keep everyone safe. They/You cancelled Christmas AND birthday for my dc because they’re/you’re petty and mean.”

If you have time to elaborate “There won’t be any invitations issued from now on. My family won’t be punished by you again”

🎄🎄🎄Welcome to the world of wonderful Christmases!🎄🎄🎄

Life is short. Spend it with people who enrich your life or at least are as generous and reciprocal as they are expectant.

Op and partners on the thread /stop stop stop buying your partners mums /dads sisters presents!!

Its not your place or business too!!

[quote CeeceeBloomingdale]@GloriaSicTransitMundi
No one hosted Christmas last year unless they were breaking the law - Boris cancelled Christmas, remember?

Well that rather depends where you live! Boris did not cancel Christmas where I live, we were tier 3 and could have a Christmas bubble with 3 households. I didn't take the risk personally but it was legal where I am. It was predominantly the SE affected last Christmas although I'm in the north and we had been restricted since September while the SE weren't.[/quote]
Oh, forgot about that, it was all so complicated with which part of the UK was ok and which under lockdown. We just took it as a blanket ban and stayed home in our pjs drinking champagne and eating whatever we fancied from the deli selection I'd bought. It was lovely! Not even a zoom call as our street's broadband cable had been cut during roadworks so just quick old-fashioned audio-only phone calls to everyone.

Very spiteful to not send presents to the kids. What horrible behaviour.
Hope you have a lovely time with your family

@GloriaSicTransitMundi I'm all for a lockdown style Christmas myself again this year