Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

[Housepartyatjustinshouse]

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Classica

So the rich don’t work to get everything they can either?

you think every rich person is rich due to the sweat of their brow?

cute.

You think people don’t work hard and have to sacrifice to get where they are?

Blind.

@Mantlemoose

Rich people generally keep their wealth by being savvy with their money.

Yep! Exactly this

Do it the other way around then, post an advert saying you are looking for toys for x age range and wait for someone to offer them

Yep, I think that's the only way to go. You could even mention that as you work, you don't get to reply to selling posts in time.

Do you have any sahm friends who could reply for you? A couple of times when one of things up for sale, I've had messages from someone saying that they have a friend looking for (item) but they're at work, and could I hold it while they get in touch with them. I was very happy to do that.

you didn't answer my question, @MattHancocksSexTape

not sure if you've heard of this thing called 'inherited wealth'. pretty big in the UK. you should look it up...

A couple of times when I'VE HAD things up for sale, even.

@Lougle

This is why a lot of Sure Start centres were shut. Their 'reach' was to the yummy mummies who wanted their children to have every experience, etc., when they were trying to get to the hard to reach families.

This is not true at all but was a convenient lie peddled to make closing them acceptable.

I won't derail the thread further though!

OP I agree. I never take free toys etc these days, although I appreciated them massively at other points.

Recently I advertised a beautiful dolls house for free.
The first person to comment was a local childminder. I felt really conflicted about letting her have it. I did because she commented first but for some reason it just didn’t sit well with me. I guess the intention is that it would go to a child that would otherwise not have the chance to own one like that.
Next time I will add a statement like the ones some have suggested upthread.

YABU

Exact same where i live. Mums with time on their hands get first dibs in the charity shops as they volunteer 2 days a week when their cleaner comes.

Total pisstake and they seem proud of this.

OP I agree with you. In theory yes first come first serve, and as much as I prefer secondhand stuff (no waste) I hold back.
The bigger issue though is the same people accumulating stuff.

The easiest way IMO would be for everyone to comment and then pick the names out of a hat. Or for you to post looking for things rather than the other way round(although this needs finesse)

@THisbackwithavengeance

I haven't experienced this type of group tbh but agree that a lot of rich people sell things on Facebook etc.

I always remember picking up an item that would've cost £15 new from Facebook marketplace; she was selling for a fiver. She lived in a mansion with a Bentley in the forecourt. I have to admit handing over my fiver with my eyebrows somewhere in my hairline.

But you don't know if she was selling it on behalf of someone else who maybe doesn't do FB.

One of my well-off neighbours was advertising some toys for £2 or £3 each which I personally would have given away for free. However, it transpired that her ds had bought them with his pocket money a year previously, had outgrown them and was selling them to save up for a different toy. She could have afforded to give him the new toy but presumably felt it was better for him to save up himself.

@DeepaBeesKit

I have noticed the wealthiest mums around my way don't give anything away free. They sell it. Always.

I dislike it intensely, DH and I can afford to give things away so I try to where I can. I also try to choose carefully when and where I post things to try and maximise who will see the add.

There's also the thing where selling weeds out the time wasters. I used to give things away and get all sorts of silly requests and conditions so I now charge a very low price. Still a bargain

@Classica

Sorry but it’s not their fault you can’t provide adequately for your children.

That is such a shitty thing to say. Does it give you thrill to put people down like that?

I’m sorry you think so but it’s true. We’ve all been told that children and grandchildren’s future is at stake. We all now know that plastic toys sit around for a thousand years polluting and putting micro particles of plastic everywhere.

Yet op thinks wealthy people should go buy more plastic tat brand new to further pollute the environment so she can get the things she can’t afford to buy.

They are completely in the right and being eco conscious. It’s not their fault the Op can’t provide what she wants.

Yanbu. I’m probably guilty of this - no financial constraints and like a bargain/avoiding buying clothes and toys new for environmental reasons. But I try not to take things too often (I’m on twins groups which are vv generous with items). And I try to pass things on. On my FB group there’s one woman who requests everything and I know enough about her to know that she asks for things she couldn’t possibly need, and because she sodding lives on Facebook she gets loads. It’s really frustrating. I agree with others that you should ask if anyone has any of whatever item to sell or give away as you’re starting to think about Christmas.

@verymiddleaged

Sure Starts closed because of lack of government funding, not because of yummy mummies hogging the services

As a social worker I really liked the broad mix of people using the services. It was easier to get more vulnerable families to use services that were seen as universal rather than specially for families in need.

This was the general aim of the service, really. I remember a good friend (raised on a council estate herself, has her doctorate now) saying people from where she's from would quickly associate SS centres as being 'for poor people' etc if they were only limited to those on benefits. I think the ideal was to have people from all walks of life.

I know I used them. Why on earth wouldn't I? The inference is if I'm middle class, I can just pay for the facilities myself? Those facilities didn't exist anywhere else outside the SS centres. There was no other option, and I needed support, just like every other mum. It's a travesty that they've been scrapped tbh.

@Rugsofhonour

Same where I live. The rich SAHMs are always first to read the messages because they’re not at work.

Interestingly the wealthier people also seem to post stuff for sale rather than for free.

That's why they're wealthy, they're shrewd

@Verfremdungseffekt

OP, you are being unreasonable. Would you really want someone in your group to be thinking ‘Shoutout to the WOHMs whose houses are worth under £300 - free stuff because you’re poor!’?

This! 😂

Oh, cool, people calling lower income mothers “scummy”. How original and daring. 🙄

I understand OP’s frustration, though I don’t think there’s anything to be done about it. You do have to be quick with Facebook marketplace and the like. If you’re in a group of giving/swapping- perhaps it’d be better to make a post asking if anyone’s getting rid of certain items?

I give away stuff sometimes, but mostly sell it cheap on FB marketplace because I’m guess I’m a “scummy mummy” and every penny counts.

@Haffiana

I LOVE a rich-bashing thread! It's the only bit of bigotry we can get away with now!

This really is just a rich bashing thread, there is a definite nasty undertone.

It’s all up to the people who are selling or giving things away. If they particularly want the things they no longer need to help someone in financial difficulty, then they will donate it to charity or post at a different time, or specify that it’s not first come first serve.

If they’d rather post at a time that is convenient for them and take the first offer they have so get it done and gone quickly, then that’s fair enough.

As long as the things are used, no one is doing anything wrong.

Sorry to say you are being unreasonable. It is first come first served.

I don't donate to the local charity shops because of this
Middle class SAHMS snapping up the stuff
I give the good stuff direct to charities helping poorer families

@Mumoblue

Oh, cool, people calling lower income mothers “scummy”. How original and daring. 🙄

I understand OP’s frustration, though I don’t think there’s anything to be done about it. You do have to be quick with Facebook marketplace and the like. If you’re in a group of giving/swapping- perhaps it’d be better to make a post asking if anyone’s getting rid of certain items?

I give away stuff sometimes, but mostly sell it cheap on FB marketplace because I’m guess I’m a “scummy mummy” and every penny counts.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with selling it! Even if you were a millionaire what's wrong with selling stuff? You could be giving thousands of pounds away to charity.

The same few people grabbing stuff though to me speaks of greed. I would take a couple of things but I'd be embarrassed to be the first one with my hand out every single time. No DC needs toys and even if you cannot afford them to be grabbing everything you can get your hands on is selfish. It's theoretically not wrong but not a good look.

This is why they’re rich!

The richest people I know are the tightest. My cleaner says the same. Those in mansions are the fussiest about her fees going up and don’t like her leaving early when she’s done.

They might be rich, but everyone secretly thinks they’re an arsehole

I've never thought of it like that tbh. I'm a SAHM and we live comfortably, I get lots of secondhand items and I don't see it as depriving others, am I not allowed to save my money and recycle by buying secondhand? Should people with a certain income level be banned from eBay too? Are charity shops just for poor people?

Why don't you post an individual appeal for toys? Even say you miss out on the postings regularly because you are at work.