Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

[Housepartyatjustinshouse]

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's true.

But I still like to think that if I were wealthy, I would just donate my old stuff to charity shops in a job lot. Not piss about taking photos to sell and waiting around for people to turn up.

I don't think it's unreasonable for wealthier people to choose second hand stuff - it's more sustainable, and why would anyone want to spend more than they had to?

Exactly. That's why my freezer is full of yellow sticker meat, fish and other food. Because I don't want to spend any more money than I have to, even though I could afford to do the weekly shop at Waitrose easily.

We definitely see it around here. Trouble is that if you go by need, you also get a bit of an xfactor style sob story Olympics.

I now like using Olio now for this - for example recently was passing on lots of baby things in good condition, and could choose people who also pass on their own used items (even little things like 5 leftover unused newborn nappies or well worn toddler clothes), over people who seemed to want every item, but you could see that they'd collected over 300 things from others but not passed on one thing ever themselves.

Sorry but it’s not their fault you can’t provide adequately for your children.

That is such a shitty thing to say. Does it give you thrill to put people down like that?

I think it's a SAHM thing - they might be wealthy due to DH's earnings but they need to be seen to be stingey with that wealth and not taking it for granted as if a few quid for toys would make the slightest difference to their lifestyle

I’ve noticed this too OP. On a few occasions I’ve sold things/gave away that I could have made a fair bit more own but I remember what it was like being in a position of having little money to spare. Almost all baby/child things. Pretty disheartening to have someone take something for a heavily reduced price when they could comfortably afford it full price, meaning someone who can’t afford full price misses out. I don’t think it’s a case of entitlement, it’s just a bit shit.

I totally agree with you. We are lucky to be reasonably well off and I'm happy to give things away to those in need of stuff. But the same well off family kept getting in again and again when I offered stuff for free. I swear they were selling stuff on. It made me stop wanting to post in case they popped up! And those talking about green credentials - how about you use the charity shops and ebay and leave the free stuff to people genuinely in need?? Many of the wealthiest people are always the most miserly in my experience.

Yes agree. I live in an exceptionally wealthy area a and am always looking out for toys for my granddaughter on FB local village selling sights. It always the same people that get in first ..they must have FB on all day!I is so frustrating but not really anything anyone can do about it !

Some of them re-sell it on eBay, which is probably why they’re rich!

How would this work though? On a group of parents, how would you go about identifying the ones in most need?

Most people hate being categorised like that in a social group.

Not really as it’s if your not fast your last with those kind of things. Second hand isn’t for me but no one really knows the ins and outs of others finances despite what they portray on social media so maybe the yummy mummy is in need just as much as the scummy mummy.

Surely OP the thing to do is to start a discussion on the page, explaining what you've said here, and asking if people have any suggestions for making it fairer?
It may sound difficult to believe but there must be some people who are wealthy and who buy second hand for whatever reason who really don't get that they are depriving people who need to buy 2nd hand for financial reasons.

[quote Housepartyatjustinshouse]@Thatsthewaytis !!!! Are you serious?! What a nasty comment, I can provide for my child obviously, but work my arse off to get everything I can,
People have different situations in life, different upbringing, different opportunities
What a nasty comment 🥲[/quote]
So the rich don’t work to get everything they can either?

At our NCT antenatal group and we had one mum who I would say was the wealthiest of the group (both solicitors - house was amazing!)
Interestingly the children in hand me down clothes (not noticeable only mentioned in conversation) they had a well loved old but working pushchair (not the latest). They had a brand new kitchen fitted they did a deal with the kitchen shop that meant the kitchen could be used for photo shoots in magazines and for promotions - I think it must have been a £50k+ kitchen for half the price!

She was the loveliest lady but very very cautious with money - always looking for a savings. If we booked a meal out for the Mums she would find a discount!! When I mentioned that my daughter wasn’t getting on with her bottles so was needed to change them she drove to my house to collect them to use!! I was so shocked that she would even want them!! But she did!!

I have often picked up free second hand furniture for example that I then do up and use. Never thought I should leave that for people less well off, I just prefer older things that go with my old house. The environmental aspect is huge bonus, but not the sole reason.

I can see your point, if something i want is given away for free on Facebook but I know that I can very easily afford it then I don’t ask, I realise there’s others who are more in need.

Are there admin running the group? You could maybe pitch some different rules for gifting posts- on my local gifting page there’s a window of time (usually 12 or 24 hours) where people can ask to be considered then once the time is up the gifter will choose somebody or randomly generate a number for the ‘winner’. I think it was put it place specifically to stop the same people who were able to jump on every post first. There’s also a weekly limit for asks.

@rjacksmiss

Why not get in there first and say if anyone is getting rid of anything soon could they please keep you in mind as you'd really appreciate it and always miss the posts!

I think that would be cheeky. Why should OP get first dibs?

OP, could you offer something on the site, make a point of saying you will keep the offer open for 24 hours to give everyone the chance to reply, and hope other people follow your lead

So the rich don’t work to get everything they can either?

you think every rich person is rich due to the sweat of their brow?

cute.

That is unfair but no idea how to solve it.

Maybe put up your own "looking for 2nd hand xxxx" ads

Maybe start up a fb page for working and single parent mums?

I stop caring about donating after the vitriol our community received in the aftermath of Grenfell fire. I only give to people I care for and is genuinely worse off. As for buying second hand, never done that but I think it is not just for poor people only. Anybody who is into recycling and climate change is doing it. I also heard of people getting stuff for free from charities and selling it in e bay.

@halloweenqwueeeen ‘Scummy mummies’ what are those? The ones with less money?

On my local gifting page there’s also a pinned ‘asking’ post where you can pop a message if you’re looking for anything in particular, and also look through everyone else’s asks which is pretty good

It’s an interesting one because I don’t always get the sense that you’d etc to

If it’s on a public or group site, then it’s a case of first come, first serve. Maybe stipulate a rule that all new postings should be made at 7pm (or whenever), to give everyone a chance. I don’t think they are being unfair, as such. More a case of being in the right place at the right time.

I’m not sure quite how you can police it otherwise, those in houses less than £300,000 gets first dibs?