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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

622 replies

Housepartyatjustinshouse · 09/11/2021 17:28

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
MakkaPakkas · 09/11/2021 17:49

@Lougle

This is why a lot of Sure Start centres were shut. Their 'reach' was to the yummy mummies who wanted their children to have every experience, etc., when they were trying to get to the hard to reach families.
This is not why sure start was shut down. It was an austerity policy to shut them down.
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 09/11/2021 17:49

Could you put up a tongue in cheek message saying something like "new rules!!!! these notices can only go at night cos I keep missing such amazing things" and tons of crying and laughing and crazy eye emojis ? are these actual friends or just a community group.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 09/11/2021 17:49

I am not sure their financial situation plays into as much as always being first in line. Seems like if you got something free last time you should let someone else next time. That would bother me more I think.

DeepaBeesKit · 09/11/2021 17:51

I have noticed the wealthiest mums around my way don't give anything away free. They sell it. Always.

I dislike it intensely, DH and I can afford to give things away so I try to where I can. I also try to choose carefully when and where I post things to try and maximise who will see the add.

GrandmasCat · 09/11/2021 17:52

It may surprise you but some people who appear to be rich are actually hidden poor. My house looks beautiful and expensive but:

  • Everything, from the paint on the walls to the sofas was found in charity shops.
  • All my clothes are from Primark and charity shops (but never buy anything in a charity shop that doesn’t look _new_).
  • My kid (single mum here) had mostly every toy he wished for but, he learned quick enough to haggle for them in carboots or find them in offer for birthdays. People thought he looked cute haggling at 5 so he often came home with bags of free toys.

If it is any comfort I never put anything for sale, all goes back to charity shops or is advertised in Facebook for free.

As a point of reference… not everyone advertise stuff for free in the mornings, most people do after dinner, so if you want to get to stuff first, check before you go to bed or first thing in the morning (a bonus of having long term insomnia!)

Original poster
Housepartyatjustinshouse · 09/11/2021 17:52

@Mantlemoose Yes, I can see that, but living in huge homes with pools, owning a few properties, then taking all the toys and clothes for free when many will struggle to get winter clothes or toys for Christmas, just seems a bit crappy. I wouldn’t do it

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 09/11/2021 17:53

I offer things on freecycle and freegle and wait until I get a few replies. Polite replies get priority

pinknikes · 09/11/2021 17:53

@Lougle

This is why a lot of Sure Start centres were shut. Their 'reach' was to the yummy mummies who wanted their children to have every experience, etc., when they were trying to get to the hard to reach families.
Absolutely. My mum was a health visitor and often spoke of this problem.
Etinoxaurus · 09/11/2021 17:54

Is it an organic group, ie no boss? If the latter can you have a word and suggest that post are put up at 6pm? We have a similar situation at work with various freebies and we’re very careful to ensure the most deserving, volunteers not employees, get first dibs.

GrandmasCat · 09/11/2021 17:55

Do it the other way around then, post an advert saying you are looking for toys for x age range and wait for someone to offer them.

Honestly with most toys being indestructible these days, there will be a lot of people trying to find toys a new home.

SarahAndQuack · 09/11/2021 17:56

I think people can be thoughtless. My DP grew up very poor and won't take things second hand if she thinks we could afford them new/someone else needs them more. But there's also a definite element of feeling second hand things aren't so good. I think the only way to 'police' it in a group is by each individual honestly thinking 'do I need that'. Sometimes I've seen people put 'I'd love this but I'm not in dire need so let me know if no one else wants,' but that only works if people don't then feel slighted/identified as 'needy' if they do take it.

KaleJuicer · 09/11/2021 17:56

I make a point of giving stuff away for free or just a couple of pounds (as sometimes when it's free it confuses people - have had people doubt it's genuine when I'm giving away bundles of Boden clothes etc).

I have an acquaintance who disclosed that their family income is £1m a year -( first strike; who talks about their income like that?!) and then sells stuff, the same stuff I give away, at full market price. On one memorable occasion she sold stuff that I had handed down to her for free.

Lilostitcher · 09/11/2021 17:57

Our local free site requires you to "simmer" items for a few hours/ days and not simply go for the one to get there first - as you say, it isn't fair on those who work etc.
Sometimes people ask that the items only go to those in financial need (which seems to put people off) or some other criteria such as the person who lives the closest.
We also have rules that you have to gift as much (or more) than you receive - gifts can be really small things.

In short, YANBU.

TimeForTeaAndG · 09/11/2021 17:57

@THisbackwithavengeance

I haven't experienced this type of group tbh but agree that a lot of rich people sell things on Facebook etc.

I always remember picking up an item that would've cost £15 new from Facebook marketplace; she was selling for a fiver. She lived in a mansion with a Bentley in the forecourt. I have to admit handing over my fiver with my eyebrows somewhere in my hairline.

It's well known that if people are getting it for free they take the piss on selling sites. Not turning up, demanding it's in perfect condition etc. I never put anything for free now unless it's specifically a swaps/pass it on group.
Thatsthewaytis · 09/11/2021 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

TimeForTeaAndG · 09/11/2021 17:59

@Lilostitcher

Our local free site requires you to "simmer" items for a few hours/ days and not simply go for the one to get there first - as you say, it isn't fair on those who work etc. Sometimes people ask that the items only go to those in financial need (which seems to put people off) or some other criteria such as the person who lives the closest. We also have rules that you have to gift as much (or more) than you receive - gifts can be really small things.

In short, YANBU.

Does it become a poverty top trumps? How does it get decided who gets the item?
VitalsStable · 09/11/2021 18:00

People don't always sell things, I don't need the money and always give away DDs clothes to friends who have smaller girls than I do. I love seeing pictures of them in DS clothes and they appreciate the bag full of clothes every so often.

Recently I said to a v wealthy friend that I had 3 good quality winter coats to give away and she said she never gives things away and I could get £20 per coat on Vinted. Now I'm thinking about it and the £60 could go towards a new winter coat for DD whist someone would be getting a good quality coat for a quarter of what it cost new when it's only been used for one winter term.

Teaandcakeordeath83 · 09/11/2021 18:01

I can see why you're annoyed. I'm in a selling group of parents with children all roughly around the same age. There's never free stuff but it's all sold really cheaply between ourselves. The same people ALWAYS get the "best" things for offer- mainly because they are sahm/ WFH and can look at their phones- I'm not allowed my phone in work so that's not an option for me. I know they're not hard up and just revel in getting Tabitha* some 20p leggings for mucking out the horses/ messy play/ glass blowing or whatever etc when they'd be an actual daily outfit for mine... I spend hours trawling charity shops/online etc to clothe and get mine toys out of necessity and being mind-numbingly skint all the time rather than actually wanting to. Admittedly it's not their problem in the slightest but it does feel like there's no consideration. I wouldn't feel comfortable scooping up everything without sharing it around.

There's not really a way around unless you're willing to be quite pointed about it. Comment on the post and say how you wish you'd been able to get xyz for your child. Suggest that people give away smaller bundles of items so that more people can benefit from the generosity. Maybe put a wanted post up asking if you could be considered if anyone is getting rid of xyz...

Original poster
Housepartyatjustinshouse · 09/11/2021 18:01

@Thatsthewaytis !!!! Are you serious?! What a nasty comment, I can provide for my child obviously, but work my arse off to get everything I can,
People have different situations in life, different upbringing, different opportunities
What a nasty comment 🥲

OP posts:
Haffiana · 09/11/2021 18:02

I LOVE a rich-bashing thread! It's the only bit of bigotry we can get away with now!

DontPeeInThePlayHouse · 09/11/2021 18:03

@Lilostitcher

Our local free site requires you to "simmer" items for a few hours/ days and not simply go for the one to get there first - as you say, it isn't fair on those who work etc. Sometimes people ask that the items only go to those in financial need (which seems to put people off) or some other criteria such as the person who lives the closest. We also have rules that you have to gift as much (or more) than you receive - gifts can be really small things.

In short, YANBU.

Our local free sites are similar. If there is lots of interest they generally assign a number and do a lucky dip.
Chelyanne · 09/11/2021 18:03

Life isn't fair unfortunately.

It may seem like some are "rich", you never know though... they may just be in a shit load of debt and need a bargain or freebie.

Rugsofhonour · 09/11/2021 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

verymiddleaged · 09/11/2021 18:05

Sure Starts closed because of lack of government funding, not because of yummy mummies hogging the services

As a social worker I really liked the broad mix of people using the services. It was easier to get more vulnerable families to use services that were seen as universal rather than specially for families in need.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 09/11/2021 18:06

Could you talk to the other members about the timings of listings, i.e. not listing things during typical working hours, so everyone gets a fair shot?

I don't think it's unreasonable for wealthier people to choose second hand stuff - it's more sustainable, and why would anyone want to spend more than they had to?

But in a group situation like this, it seems reasonable to suggest a way of working it that makes it fair for everyone, otherwise the people who never get any stuff because it's all snapped up by 2pm will just end up dropping out and the group as a whole will suffer.

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