Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

[Housepartyatjustinshouse]

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

London has a very mixed demographic and it’s quite common to see very wealthy and extremely poor in the same area. My point is that the NCT mums and the vulnerable mums would both be in the same catchment and really why shouldn’t the more well off use the facilities.

You don't stay rich by spending I guess.

My point is that the NCT mums and the vulnerable mums would both be in the same catchment and really why shouldn’t the more well off use the facilities.

I agree. We need people from all demographics to use services like children's centres so it becomes harder for councils and the government to close them down. If they are only used by poor and disadvantaged groups, they can become an easy target to close due to funding restraints as such groups are not always in a good position to campaign and advocate to keep these services. If disadvantaged mums/children are being 'elbowed' out by "middle class" mums, there are ways to address this (special groups, give booking priority to children in need) but socially segregating services is not the way to go.

I don't know the full story about the surestart thing. BUT I'm sure those services are at least partly to make sure mums feel part of a community. Can't speak for everyone, but when I go to things with DDs I'd rather there were a mix of people from different backgrounds and circumstances.

I also find it hard to believe that truly wealthy mothers attend frequently surestart centres, I've not seen that at local children's centres. It seems more likely that some middle class seeming mothers would attend. But those mothers may have a reason they want to be there. They may not be rich, they may have little family or social support, or struggling in some way, or they may be lonely feel like they want to be part of the local community and meet other mums.

I feel like a lot of presumptions are being made in some posts about who these mothers are and their circumstances.

I think what I'm getting at is, this seems like a discussion about who is 'deserving' of free stuff and services. Which is not a great thing to assess at face value.

Also, as various pp have highlighted, it's not uncommon for seemingly well-off SAHMs to be in financially abusive relationships where money is not seen as "shared" but belonging to the other parent. So they may live in an expensive house and drive a nice car but be extremely limited in what they can spend day-to-day (either on baby groups or children's clothes and toys). I've read quite a few posts on MN from mums who are struggling to buy food or shoes for their kids or afford a haircut while their partners save thousands every month. There was a thread a few months ago by a mum who had to sell something on eBay every time she wanted to buy anything (even a coffee) for herself or her child because she literally had no access to money at all.

Surely singe mothers at home with small children are just as able as sahm?

I’ve just been directed from my local fb group to join a group that help people in need.
I’ve just joined and donated some goods. The admin contacted me and said they would personally find families who would benefit from the goods rather than post them in the general group.
They have and they’re picking them up next week.
I didn’t know these groups existed so I’m so happy to find one and will definitely be putting my stuff on this from now on.

If it's offered for free it's definitely a first come first served situation.....

I am a SAHM and if I see something I like/need in these groups I'm quick to respond...because I like recycling and being eco friendly is very important to me, not because I can't afford to buy new. When I'm finished I put the items straight back on the group and I give stuff I bought away too....

I used to work for a charity offering a legal service to families with children. We didn't charge as we didn't want to exclude people, but would encourage donations. The rich people would rarely donate, those with less often did. Some of these people lived in £2million houses but wouldn't hand over £10 for a service they would normally pay £100s for. 🙄

@IsleofRum

Surely singe mothers at home with small children are just as able as sahm?

Yes, practically the same but in most cases with far more worries, far more work to do and far less resources to do it.

Yes, practically the same but in most cases with far more worries, far more work to do and far less resources to do it

The difference isn't resources, it's access to money. Yes, the average SAHM has more resources than a single parent. But a financially abused parent has no access to money - they don't work and not entitled to benefits/help with childcare due to their partner's salary.

@Talkwhilstyouwalk I agree. Far better to reuse anything you can than produce masses of waste . I have attempted to give away a lot of things then people get slagged off for not being worthy enough to take anything for free, so sell something for a couple of quid and someone will turn up for it . But no matter what money status everyone Should be
Encouraged to recycle, reuse, buy second hand gifts because it saves money and the planet. Even now it's ok to buy a doll 'for example ' wrapped in plastic brand new, but not ok to give the same doll second hand as a present.

I don't think many people have a right to say they deserve something more than richer people. Because that person still is in a house and has internet, compared to a mum in poverty who is praying they can actually feed their child on Christmas Day.

I do love that there is a local 'free site' but run by charity where it's people in need will ask for things. You can offer anything you have and it's local people who need it will take it. You could cheat the system and take it but at that you know you are stealing from the poor. It's an amazing kind of group in my opinion, they go above and beyond for local people who need the help x

YANBU. I fully understand your frustration (and from experience I don’t think all these mums are grabbing up all the second hand stuffs to save the planet).
I do give away a lot (for free), clothes, uniform items, books and toys that my DCs have outgrown. I can’t be asked to sale them however I always specify in the ads that these items are for those who are the most in need and to PM me if they are interested (so that no one is embarrassed). This disclaimer tends to put off the rich mums.
I do in on Facebook and school mums whatsapp groups.

I am a member of a buy nothing group on Facebook, it encourages allowing gifts to ‘simmer ’ to allow everyone in the group a chance to see it, then you can do a lucky dip or gift it to whoever you like. If you want something gone asap then offer as a flash gift and first in Can have it. Seems to work well

@Lougle

This is why a lot of Sure Start centres were shut. Their 'reach' was to the yummy mummies who wanted their children to have every experience, etc., when they were trying to get to the hard to reach families.

They were cut due to lack of govt commitment, nothing to do with the social class of the users.

Well, I don’t really see how you could ensure the items only went to those who need it? And actually, how do you decide who qualifies as “in need”?

OP feels she is more deserving than some people, there are others who might feel the same about her.

Are we going to be asking those requesting these items to provide some sort of evidence as to their level of need? Surely that would be rather demeaning- having to prove your “poor enough” to deserve the free toy, or the worst off of all the people who want it, at least.

I used put stuff up for free but stopped as it was just a huge hassle- constant questions/demanding more photographs etc etc. The level of entitlement, despite the fact it was being given away astounded me. And the replies “mine”, “I’ll take it”- not so much as a please or thank you. I never gave it to those people and would then get rude messages about how they had first dibs/needed it and I was depriving their children or similar sob story. I found the same if you made it a token amount. Then you’d quite often see it posted elsewhere for significantly higher price, which is galling if you’ve given it away/a token amount (even more when you’ve delivered it due to a sob story). And that wasn’t the obviously wealthy mums. So now I either give it to charity shop/recycle centre (some clothes and shoes), or sell it on eBay/fb marketplace.

I also buy second hand- it is more environmentally friendly and saves money. Suggesting second hand is only for the poor is untrue- then it will be criticisms that the wealthy are buying too much, it recycling etc. We need to reuse and recycle more- all of us, not just those on lower incomes.

I think that if you need something specific, post a wanted advert and then you might have more luck.

I think it's a bit short sighted to say that second hand is just for people who can't afford to buy new.

We can afford to buy DC new toys but I hardly ever do - firstly I've always tried to buy second hand from charity shops for environmental reasons (and often ask family members to do the same at birthdays and Christmas), and secondly, I like a bargain - I'm not sure why being able to afford something new means that I'm not entitled to pay less for something if I find it cheaper. I'm always very appreciative to the person selling/giving it away.

There will usually be someone who has less money than you. Someone might be thinking about you the same thing that you're saying - does that mean that you're not entitled to something that you've found? Or should I stop trying to help reduce buying plastic tat where I can and buy new every time just because I can? Would you say the same thing about shopping in general - that people who can afford to buy full price should stay away from the sale section to allow others the chance to get something in their size?

Also, after reading some of these comments - if I have bought something full price, thats doesn't mean that I can't sell it on for a small amount. Why does being comfortable mean that I have to automatically become bad with money? A lot of things I do give away, but some things I ask for a fraction of the price for. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

However, I do see that it's frustrating when things go quickly - maybe you could add a post asking if anyone has got any XYZ, rather than trying to jump on the initial threads.

If neither are working then both could volunteer. Volunteering is a great way to get away from worries, if looking after a child who is at school, then a window in which to volunteer is a great help, mentally. It builds networks. It can lead to a job and looks good on a CV or jobcentre interview.
I'm sure poorer single mums are on in the "cannot be bovvahed" but there will be some .

I never get to second hand uniform sales and I’ve got a ton of stuff to get rid of (from 3 different schools🙄).
I work at a school and they’re thinking about putting it all online, looking at shop4school.co.uk -sounds a bit like eBay for schools. Anyone tried it? It’d be good if lots of parents used it, so you could pick up and drop off at school.

And these mums might not get any money to spend on their children due to being married to a bully. Plenty men control the household spend once they have the house, wife and children. Maybe be a little less judgemental??