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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

622 replies

Housepartyatjustinshouse · 09/11/2021 17:28

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Estheryan07 · 10/11/2021 18:30

Could it be the case that these Mums aren’t quite as rich as you thought? Lots of children rely on second hand clothes and toys now a days x I also ‘sell on’ or sometimes ‘free to collector’ depending on how much I want to get rid of items or wether I need to raise funds- lots of people are relying on eBay Vinted etc. can you get in first? I’ve seen some mums post things like - “sorry it’s an ask… but if anyone has any pj masks toys etc……”

Bakersdelight · 10/11/2021 18:31

Sure Starts closed because of a lack of government funding. Sure Start centres are not just about supporting poorer families. Families can have a wide range of needs they need support with. There are issues that transcend wealth that can benefit from the service offered at Sure Start centres. It’s about supporting whole communities.

Bumblebee1119 · 10/11/2021 18:31

This is why they are rich… honestly next time your shopping in Aldi.. check out the cars x

Feetupteashot · 10/11/2021 18:35

A few on our group were taking things the minute they went on the group. Some items given for free in good faith were going straight on ebay :(

justasking111 · 10/11/2021 18:40

Local Facebook market place is good. Charity shops, and ask on the local mums group, lots of clearing out at this time of year

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/11/2021 18:43

@wentworthinmate

YANBU Houseparty, I would feel the same as you. They are being inconsiderate while you (and I) are slogging our guts out and they sit there with nothing better to do than get their little darlings as much free stuff as poss because they mustn't miss out, completely disregarding the fact they have more than enough.
Exactly. A lot of these people are taking stuff for the sake of it. If the free stuff wasn't there they wouldn't buy it new either. Just hoarding, if it's the same people every time.
CrankyFrankie · 10/11/2021 18:48

I don't like to buy new mainly due to environmental concerns, but I do get where you're coming from. Those mums who are always taking should also be giving back. They should also be conscious of always being the ones who 'get in there first' and I agree the decent thing to do would be to stand back from time to time. It's very selfish.

Cassimin · 10/11/2021 18:48

Malibuismysecrethome*
I felt like but would have been embarrassed.
A lady pulled up in a massive land rover a couple of weeks ago to take a trunk I was giving away. She said she sells them on through her eBay shop.
Fair enough I suppose , I could have done it myself but I would rather give away to someone who needs it.
The children’s centre near me only has families who have been referred as the yummy mummy’s we’re taking over as it was only £2. I look after the hall so I know this is true. I used to have to spend ages in there when they left as they gave their children biscuits, raisins etc and it was all over the floor, wouldn’t dream of tidying up after themselves. I went in early once and it was bordering on dangerous, mums sitting paying no interest to their children who were running riot. *

HarrietsweetHarriet · 10/11/2021 18:49

OP, have a look at Freecycle too. You may have some luck there.
Otherwise it's a trawl around the charity shops and boot fairs I'm afraid. Or maybe you could explain your situation to the kinder, more understanding mums, that you are really strapped for cash this Christmas and would be v. Grateful for one or two things if they are having a clear out.

Bertiebiscuit · 10/11/2021 18:51

You've missed the obvious I'm afraid - people are rich exactly because they are grabby - you can't win, they have sharp elbows, I'm afraid

RacketeerRalph · 10/11/2021 18:52

A lady pulled up in a massive land rover a couple of weeks ago to take a trunk I was giving away. She said she sells them on through her eBay shop.

That's cheeky I think. But similarly, if I give something away I can't really dictate what they do with it.

Frazzled2207 · 10/11/2021 18:53

This is obviously a sweeping statement but the richer mums I know are also the most environmentally conscious whereas the poorer mums are the ones that are more likely to post pics of the kids in the latest designer gear (which definitely isn’t second hand!).

Frazzled2207 · 10/11/2021 18:56

@rookiemere

"It annoys me when those who can afford to buy things don’t leave the free/ good value stuff for those who maybe can’t. It’s just selfish."

It sounds like you're saying that those who can afford it should buy new, and that doesn't feel right.

Totally agree with @rookiemere there.

We all have a responsibility to reuse and pass on rather than buy new.

ichundich · 10/11/2021 18:56

@Cassimin

Malibuismysecrethome* I felt like but would have been embarrassed. A lady pulled up in a massive land rover a couple of weeks ago to take a trunk I was giving away. She said she sells them on through her eBay shop. Fair enough I suppose , I could have done it myself but I would rather give away to someone who needs it. The children’s centre near me only has families who have been referred as the yummy mummy’s we’re taking over as it was only £2. I look after the hall so I know this is true. I used to have to spend ages in there when they left as they gave their children biscuits, raisins etc and it was all over the floor, wouldn’t dream of tidying up after themselves. I went in early once and it was bordering on dangerous, mums sitting paying no interest to their children who were running riot. *
Were the 'rich yummy mummies' taking spaces from poor families? Vhildren's centres used to be open to all, so YABU for trying to make anyone feel guilty for using them. And also for your ridiculous generalisations.
RacketeerRalph · 10/11/2021 18:57

@Frazzled2207

This is obviously a sweeping statement but the richer mums I know are also the most environmentally conscious whereas the poorer mums are the ones that are more likely to post pics of the kids in the latest designer gear (which definitely isn’t second hand!).
I have friends for whom buying 2nd hand has a real stigma and won't do it. I think it's a hangover from when they were younger and 2nd hand was the only option.

I don't have the same feelings, I know I could buy new if I wanted but I can understand their mentality that if they can, they should.

Malibuismysecrethome · 10/11/2021 19:03

ichundich the point is that they feel entitled to not clean up after themselves and to expect others to clean up after them. It’s not a ridiculous generalisation you can see it all the time when a group of young mums take over a coffee shop and get their own food out for their children. They then leave a big mess everywhere for staff to clean up.

Tamrastarr · 10/11/2021 19:10

I totally agree with you! I have an extremely wealthy friend (who is happy to tell me how rich she is!) who is always asking for second hand items from me as she knows I have good quality stuff. The last time I had some clothes I kept some by for her but gave everything else to people who were struggling. I'd much rather they had it. You also get people who take the good second hand stuff to sell on. Good on them I suppose, as I can't be bothered to do that, but again, if I am giving something away, I would rather it go to someone who needs it more.

nokidshere · 10/11/2021 19:17

Whenever I put things in Freecycle, I know the people who reply to every post. I wait for hours until I have a good selection of replies, then I choose who I want to have the items. I judge by their politeness, and what they say...

How would you know this though? Anyone can tell you anything to get what they want.

I don't police who buys/takes my stuff. First come first served as far as I am concerned. My only goal is to remove it from my house with minimum fuss.

I buy/sell bargains, give stuff away, shop secondhand for most stuff. Sometimes I'm skint and sometimes I'm not, probably like the majority of us.

Botanica · 10/11/2021 19:23

There's some really awful sentiments and entitlement on here...

Maybe time to adopt more of an abundance mindset. It's not like there's a shortage of second hand toys and clothes to buy.

Some you win, some you lose, it's life!

ichundich · 10/11/2021 19:32

@Malibuismysecrethome

ichundich the point is that they feel entitled to not clean up after themselves and to expect others to clean up after them. It’s not a ridiculous generalisation you can see it all the time when a group of young mums take over a coffee shop and get their own food out for their children. They then leave a big mess everywhere for staff to clean up.
You sound quite bitter with your othering.
Dontknowanymore2 · 10/11/2021 19:36

No it isn't fair, its the same on my lical free site often obviously wealthy people come to collect things. I want things to go to people who can least affird it. Just greedy isn't it. Something should be done about it in your group.

Cassimin · 10/11/2021 19:48

ichundich Yes they were taking up the places of the poorer and more needy parents, that’s why the rules have been changed.
It is a volunteer led hall, all cleaning, decorating, maintenance, gardening done by volunteers.
Funnily enough none of the yummy mummies ever volunteer for anything.
Not a sweeping generalisation, completely true I’m afraid.

AuroraSophia · 10/11/2021 19:52

This is how they stay rich 😅 but yes I can imagine you’re frustration!! Can’t you turn notifications on so you see things ASAP xx

MeredithGreyishblue · 10/11/2021 19:53

@Cassimin

ichundich Yes they were taking up the places of the poorer and more needy parents, that’s why the rules have been changed. It is a volunteer led hall, all cleaning, decorating, maintenance, gardening done by volunteers. Funnily enough none of the yummy mummies ever volunteer for anything. Not a sweeping generalisation, completely true I’m afraid.
The needy probably didn't want to come and be patronised by the village benevolents! Nothing like a judgy village hall to decide who us worthy and who isn't Hmm
MindfulBear · 10/11/2021 20:03

Be mindful that not everyone who appears rich, is actually rich.

You will often find they are mortgaged to the hilt and all the lovely cars and bikes etc are hire purchase or on credit card. Or purchased by a rich aunty.
(At least this is my experience from growing up and more recently too)

In any case - those groups are first come first served. So get in early and post a "ISO" post and see what you get offered.