Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

[Housepartyatjustinshouse]

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

"This is why a lot of Sure Start centres were shut. Their 'reach' was to the yummy mummies who wanted their children to have every experience, etc., when they were trying to get to the hard to reach families."

This is completely untrue. Sure Start centres were shut due to the Tories stopping funding. It was for no other reason than ideology, because they were working extremely well, reaching a lot of new mums, and very connected to Labour policy. So they had to go.
According to a Nursery World article (published Jan 31st 2020) More than 1,300 children’s centres closed between 2010 and 2019, newly-published Government figure show.

Ours did before my kids got a chance to get to it. It had nothing at all to do with who was going. If it was all the upper middle classes then the Conservatives wouldn't have defunded them all.

@ivykaty44

I agree with social stigma on second hand stuff

Or local private school has second hand, hand me down text books, uniforms sales etc but state schools don’t. I’ve never understood why the state schools don’t do this?

Ours does at the end of every term.

Everyone is only equally entitled to have the stuff if that's what the giver wants to do. I often give away stuff for free and would much rather it go to those who are struggling or to the local nursery or toddler group where lots of children will benefit from it.

I know everyone loves a bargain bit surely you'd feel pretty bad if you took all the good stuff away from children who would really benefit from it?

YANBU Houseparty, I would feel the same as you. They are being inconsiderate while you (and I) are slogging our guts out and they sit there with nothing better to do than get their little darlings as much free stuff as poss because they mustn't miss out, completely disregarding the fact they have more than enough.

Couid you maybe make a post on your local fb group asking that you are finding things hard at tut moment and Wouid appreciate it very much I’d people donating, ( list what you’re looking for) Wouid consider letting you know.
We have a wanted Wednesday thing on our local ‘ war on waste ‘ group and people often seem to get what they ask for

YANBU at all - you never said you were entitled & it would be nice if those (in general) who find themselves at the front of the queue to look around and see if maybe they should step aside this time or tag someone else in the post (esp if as you say it’s the same people) “@ example name - saw this post, wouldn’t it be great for your lil one”
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt if you ever see any of these mums IRL to say something along lines of “it’s a shame those freebies/second hand bits get snapped up so quick while I’m at work”

Sometimes people are oblivious to other’s situations

@Mantlemoose

Rich people generally keep their wealth by being savvy with their money.

This is not why rich people stay rich or get rich

I was just thinking this.
I give lots of stuff away on my local neighbourhood group, often they ask if I can drop off. When I do they live in massive houses and come to the door immaculate with beautiful clothes on.
I’ve currently got lots of games, a wii with games and a PlayStation with games to give away but I really begrudge putting them on the site.
I even put on ‘free to children’s group’ on the last lot of things and individuals kept asking for them

I know lots of people like this. That’s how they have money! They won’t spend £30 on a decent pair of shoes for their kid, but won’t bat an eyelid at spending £15 on a bottle of wine.

Cassimin I would turn round and not give them the stuff.

Money aside I give away a lot lf good quality stuff on freegle and always make a note of people who are repeatedly on the take.

I tend to give to people who haven't asked or been given stuff before, I just think it's fair but get that a lot of people just want stuff gone.

@mewkins

Everyone is only equally entitled to have the stuff if that's what the giver wants to do. I often give away stuff for free and would much rather it go to those who are struggling or to the local nursery or toddler group where lots of children will benefit from it.

I know everyone loves a bargain bit surely you'd feel pretty bad if you took all the good stuff away from children who would really benefit from it?

I give loads of stuff away, generally on a first come basis. It isn't for me to decide who is more deserving or in need. That feels very Victorian and judgemental to me.

All the poorer mums I knew wouldn't touch second hand stuff with a barge pole. I think there is still a bit of working class pride, not taking handouts etc.

I sort of understand it in a way, the richer mums have nothing to prove.

It's these misunderstandings that make it harder for different classes to intermingle.

A bit like eating outside in a public place.

@Housepartyatjustinshouse

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums. We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of. Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first. They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry. It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could? I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas. Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

then make the suggestion of the winner is decided by a number system, and display the names allotted for each number, then you all stand a fair chance and no more favorites going on then

@ivykaty44

I agree with social stigma on second hand stuff

Or local private school has second hand, hand me down text books, uniforms sales etc but state schools don’t. I’ve never understood why the state schools don’t do this?

My children’s state school does. Many parents rely on it. Of course there is stigma around second hand stuff if you are not well off. The stigma of having less than others is based so much on what people have / own/ where they live. For those who are less well off, often how they look ( what they wear) is the only way they feel they can compete. This isn’t a new thing in society. For those who are wealthy they don’t understand how it feels to feel worthless or inferior for what they have so they don’t feel judged and perhaps care less for outward looking wealth.
It’s a sad state of affairs and OP, I agree. It annoys me when those who can afford to buy things don’t leave the free/ good value stuff for those who maybe can’t. It’s just selfish.

All the poorer mums I knew wouldn't touch second hand stuff with a barge pole. I think there is still a bit of working class pride, not taking handouts etc.
Not anymore as you knew them I'm assuming in the past?
Our local free cycle pages are a gift us poorer types love to share.

Any excuse to have a go at SAHMs, eh?

It is unfair - but what can you do about it. Apart from not answering the door when the recognisable mums knock. Perhaps the not so rich mums are at work.

I’m wealthy by the national average but that doesn’t mean I’m not looking for savings just like everyone else. I’m no less aware of landfill and global commercialisation than anyone else and I’m not more happy to throw money the way of John Lewis toysrus Argos or Amazon than anyone who earns less money than me or my husband. I’m love a bargain and I think people offering their stuff up secondhand is a great way for me to save money.

That said I always offer my second hand stuff to friends or neighbours who I know are struggling or have it harder than me, before I put them on Facebook or give them to charity shops. They get first dibs as it were. If they don’t want it I put it on Facebook and it’s first come first served. I don’t want to have to vet someone’s income to sell it to them.

I don’t know if you are being unreasonable though. I’m not struggling and I don’t have to worry about Christmas this year. But if it’s kind of like you saying that someone like me shouldn’t shop in Oxfam or the like. Which I take issue with because I have always shopped in charity shops for all sorts of things and I don’t want to stop just because our family income is better than when I was a student.

Nice thread this is.

I worked full time while my kids were very young and now I'm fortunate to have the choice to stay home - not indefinitely but for a few years while they're in tricky teen years. As a SAHM I guess I'm considered "rich" and resented as I can use my phone mid-day.

I think I am middle class so I guess I should be ashamed of having been to half a dozen Sure Start drop ins years ago when desperate for company and a change of scene with my toddler. It's my fault the Tory's cancelled them, not austerity.

Sometimes I sell things for very little money on eBay (clearing hardly any profit after fees) Though I tell myself that it's to weed out the time wasters who don't turn up for things that are advertised for free locally or to ensure that a random niche thing I no longer need gets to someone who specifically wants it rather than it ending up in the bin behind the charity shop, truth is that rich SAHMs like me like to hoard wealth.

"It annoys me when those who can afford to buy things don’t leave the free/ good value stuff for those who maybe can’t. It’s just selfish."

It sounds like you're saying that those who can afford it should buy new, and that doesn't feel right.

Set up an Acts of Kindness Group on FB. You are not allowed to resell things and it has strict rules about not taking everything. There are the odd people who don't need things but as a moderator you could exclude them... Ours includes furniture and white goods.

@shylatte

Sure Starts closed because of lack of government funding, not because of yummy mummies hogging the services . In my part of UK you had to fall within an area defined as deprived to be entitled to SS, it wasn't a free for all.

OP as hard as it is, it's first come first served. If you bought the stuff maybe a mother is a worse off situation would have made a similar thread about you.

Our nearest Sure Start - in the area whete I used to teach which was very deprived- remains open attached to a primary school but with a name other than Sure Start. It had significant issues from the start because the parents the services were aimed at would not engage with them. It ended up opening up its offer and middle-class parents from other places in the borough took them up because there were some great experiences. Same old story- anything targeted at those who needs it most that requires social confidence, working with 'authority' figures, learning and doing things differently in a way that requires a bit more effort is never taken up in any numbers. Very sad really.

The staff were great and made a huge effort over a long period of time but the mums wouldn't buy into it.

@Lougle

This is why a lot of Sure Start centres were shut. Their 'reach' was to the yummy mummies who wanted their children to have every experience, etc., when they were trying to get to the hard to reach families.

This is a weird post. I used to take my kids to the children's centre all the time, and the staff there always reminded people to sign because the more families attended the more likely they were to keep their funding / stay open.