AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

You're sensitive to the weight comments because you're overweight. But people comment all the time about other people - weight, clothes, hair, drinking, smoking, junk food, fitness, sex life, jobs and pretty much every other lifestyle choice. It's not going to change.

@TurnUpTurnip

The thing is people say “no one would dare insult a fat person” when people say someone has made a comment about them being too slim but that just isn’t true, my mum got into an argument with some man outside who was being rude to her, I came over to defend her and he called me a fat bitch! Fat seems to make you an easy target it’s all people comment on when they want to insult you

I've said it before on here, I've had so many nasty, vicious comments that at one point I barely left the house. One time in the supermarket queue a completely stranger pointed at me and said 'If I looked like that I kill myself' to which everyone within hearing laughed. I very nearly did kill myself at that point. It reached the point where pretty much every single time I left my house someone would say something shitty. Thankfully I've now emigrated and this country doesn't appear to have this nasty judgemental attitude. I've lived here 15 years and have never heard a single negative comment.

@WillyWollyWandy

Ok you asked.. I would never dream of commenting about someone’s weight. But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat. If you eat healthily and exercise, even only having a walk a day, you will not be fat. So if a person is fat, I assume they’re lazy and eat junk food to excess. They may argue that they don’t, citing gym sessions etc. However if they accounted for every calorie that goes in, and that includes finishing the kids’ dinner, the hugely calorific takeaways and wine, it would easily outweigh the output. It isn’t rocket science. But as I said, I’d never actually say this to a fat person, albeit I don’t really know any fat people. I do know anecdotally that people struggle with their weight. But some willpower and discipline should fix the issue. I also presume however, that for some larger people, there are mental issues at play which leads to comfort eating etc. No idea what the answer is. Counselling?

But how do you know if the fat person you are inwardly judging has medical issues or not? Unless you ask every fat stranger you see.

For the record, I'm 5ft 1 and a size 24. So far far more than overweight.

Could I "eat less and move more"? Of course. But there's far more to it than that.

I have mental and physical health issues. Some of which/the medication for which causes weight gain/makes losing weight harder. This includes mild agoraphobia meaning going out 'for a walk' takes a massive effort. Add to that the abuse I've had shouted at me when I am walking for exercise and it makes me want to give up.

I'm also unable to work (due to mh issues) and am still battling with the JC to be awarded LCWRA which will lift the benefit cap and mean I can actually afford to live. As it is I'm trying to feed 2 teens and myself on not very much money, so cheap filling carbs are the way to go. For me at least. They have a far better diet than me but I stretch the budget by going without.

I've also got an entire childhood of mixed messages around food too contend with. If I didn't finish all my dinner I'd be told "don't you know there are staving kids in Africa?" If I did finish it I'd be told I was greedy and that there were starving kids in Africa
If i didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry I get told I needed to eat 'proper meals' and asked if I had an eating disorder. If I had dinner I'd get told i didn't have to eat just for the sake of it.

Even now, if I go out with family and don't want cake I get comments like "you are allowed cake you know." (No shit. I'm 37. I'll have cake if I want.) If i do have cake I get "hmmm.... are you sure you should have cake?"

Even as a teen, who danced 6 days per week in classes plus practiced in all my spare time I was a size 14. Which is "overweight" for my height.

But yeah. You go on 'inwardly judging' me.

@Crossfitwidow

I assume most slim people think fat people are repulsive. If they don't say it out loud they are probably thinking it.

I have to admit OP, I think the same when I see very overweight or obese people eating things like cakes.

As other posters suggest it has absolutely nothing with making me feel better about myself or my own insecurity. I'm just being honest and I think it's disgusting.

I appreciate this may sounds really mean and horrible but I cannot help my thoughts and how I feel about it and I'm just being fully honest.

Aware I'll get flamed but human nature is a real thing!

@LaurieFairyCake

People ARE fearful of people who carry excess fat - it IS a fear based reaction.

They are terrified it could be them - they're not aware of it but they're scared.

I also think this. It's at some deep subconscious level, but that's what it is.

I work with a women who is always telling me (a fatty) how much her husband despises and hates fat people. I have no idea why she tells me

I think it works both ways really, maybe you notice it more because you are a bit overweight. I'm slim, I've had so many anorexic comments made to me, I've also been followed to the loo after a dinner out because my MIL thought I was going to stick my fingers down my throat.

I think people just like to judge others rather than people just judging overweight people.

@ThisThreadCouldOutMe please don't take a thread like this so personally and upset yourself.
You do not need to defend and explain yourself to anyone

My friend got called a fat cunt by a 10 year old at work today

They like to think it's because they 'care about health' but it's not. It's because in their mind, fat is one of the worst things a person can be.

It is a failing, a flaw and these people have disappeared so far up their own backsides that they feel like fat people need to be told ad nauseum about how terrible and awful being fat is because fat people are stupid and don't know that being overweight isn't great.

If you are fat, you are only ever allowed to be miserable about it. And if you dare to be happy in your own skin or not actively trying to lose weight or enjoying a nice cake or whatever and not wandering around in a burlap sack, then you are promoting obesity and solely responsible for the obesity epidemic.

Personally I'd much rather be fat (and believe me I am) than the sort of person who makes value judgements based on a persons weight or appearance.

While being overweight should never be considered "fine" or "healthy", I don't see how making unkind comments about people's weight helps in any way... If anything it just demotivates people even more. I also don't like false flattery and wouldn't tell an overweight friend "oh you're not fat". Best just not to comment on people's weight at all.

Some people are arseholes, sounds like your friend is one of them. I once ended a friendship which I thought was really good until we went away for a weekend together and all she did was bitch about other people. I have no time for that. This don't about weight it's about your friend thinking she is better than other people. Unfortunately if you have to resort to bringing others down it just shows you are definitely not a better person.

It's insecurity and/or nastiness. I'm overweight. I've always tended towards plumpness from childhood onwards, my nan told my then boyfriend, now husband I was a 'two bottle baby' because one was never enough!
At 16 I lost loads of weight with a regime of 1,000 calories a day and gym/swimming five days a week. In my 20s and single I stayed at a size 10-12 through fad diets, lots of exercise and the motivation of going out on a Saturday night 'on the pull!'. I was totally aware of what I ate and focused on how I looked.
Then I got married, had three kids, became terribly ill with ulcerative colitis and now take high doses of steroids while juggling a full time job with three sons. I'm a size 18. Am I happy at that..no. But my life is relentlessly hectic, I feel constantly fatigued, I have given up alcohol, dairy, red meat to try and control my symptoms. My kids are happy, healthy and incredibly social and sporty, my husband and I are still very much in love, I'm a senior manager in a large organisation, my house is clean and tidy with no outside help, I keep up with a wide circle of friends and family, I still swim twice a week and walk every lunchtime. I'm a fricking legend. Some people self medicate with alcohol in an evening, lots of people in fact...I eat too many crisps and too much vegan cake with friends. Is it ideal...no. I know I would be healthier slimmer, but it is a constant battle for me. One day I'll have the time to focus on me again and I hope I will get down to that elusive size 12. But no-one is perfect. Those that judge would be wise to reflect on their own weaknesses.

Honest answer? I really dislike obesity. It looks absolutely repulsive and obese people look extremely uncomfortable just moving around. I would hate to be like that. I wouldn’t say anything but I would definitely think it. I know that some people are obese as a result of illness, injury, medication or disability. I’m aware that could happen to me. Nonetheless this is how I feel.
The increasing amount of morbidly obese clothing models has probably had the opposite effect to what was intended. It has put me off of obesity even more.
A relative of mine is morbidly obese and in denial completely-like most addicts of course. He will die prematurely due to his addiction. The drug of choice in his case is totally legal; sugar.

@Mrsfrumble I completely understand that everyone is entitled to feel what ever way they want about their own body but to describe your body as disgustingly fat to someone who is double your size is not a very nice thing to do.
It's kind of like if you had a friend who had a large birth mark on her face and you had a small pimple.... would you complain to her about how disfigured you look with a mark on your face? No because it would be a bit nasty and could hurt her feelings.
I find it interesting that people don't take others feelings into consideration when it comes to fatphobic comments.

@Siameasy you are absolutely entitled to feel like that. Your feelings are your feelings and we all have things we find a bit off-putting but at least you don't say things directly to them that could be hurtful.

@FatCatThinCat can I come and live with you?

@Noavocado thanks. My skin is as thick as my thighs it takes a lot to upset me.

My sister died because she was obese. I loved her so much and I struggle every day with the loss.

I don't make fatphobic comments to people, but I do often wish I could say something - anything- that might help them to change, before it's too late. I failed to do that with my sister, and it's devastating.

I can't cope with the "fat positive" or "fit and fat" movement very well either. My sister had no other health conditions; it was her weight alone that killed her. She never thought she was in real danger, but who would, when obesity is so normalised now?

So although I would never do it myself, I could understand why others in my position might "try to help" by making comments to people about their weight.

@JudesBiggestFan you are a legend and so am I :-) We are doing our best, we have happy kids and a loving home what more can we ask for.

I don't want my daughter to have a life of dieting and hating her body so I try not to comment on anyone else's body including my own.

@LaurieFairyCake

People ARE fearful of people who carry excess fat - it IS a fear based reaction.

They are terrified it could be them - they're not aware of it but they're scared.

Looking back, I had a very fat infant teacher who didn’t frighten me in the least. If people are afraid of fat, it’s obviously not innate and therefore not universal. I’m no more likely to become morbidly obese than to become a heroin addict. These sweeping generalisations aren’t very useful.

@WillyWollyWandy

Ok you asked.. I would never dream of commenting about someone’s weight. But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat. If you eat healthily and exercise, even only having a walk a day, you will not be fat. So if a person is fat, I assume they’re lazy and eat junk food to excess. They may argue that they don’t, citing gym sessions etc. However if they accounted for every calorie that goes in, and that includes finishing the kids’ dinner, the hugely calorific takeaways and wine, it would easily outweigh the output. It isn’t rocket science. But as I said, I’d never actually say this to a fat person, albeit I don’t really know any fat people. I do know anecdotally that people struggle with their weight. But some willpower and discipline should fix the issue. I also presume however, that for some larger people, there are mental issues at play which leads to comfort eating etc. No idea what the answer is. Counselling?

Don't you realise that thyroid and other medical issues which affect weight are not visible? Nor are mental health issues.

On what do you base your ignorant and ill-informed judgement?

You cannot see my thyroid and mental health issues. You wouldn't know about them at all unless you were rude enough to publicly ask me and if you had the brass neck to do that I would tell you to bugger off. My medical history is none of your business.

Us overweight people can't win. People assume that we are just couch potatoes who simply sit watching TV all day and stuffing our faces with crisps and chocolate. Not true in most cases at all. If we are out and about we can feel and see others judging away and looking us up and down even if they say nothing.

Oh, and woe betide us if we are seen in cafés, pubs or restaurants doing something as normal as enjoying a coffee/drink and a bite to eat.

It is a crime for us to eat. Apparently you are only allowed to do that if you are slim, and it provides proof that we are just lard-arses who simply eat far too much and do no exercise.

For your information, I rarely eat junk food. I don't like it much and I don't have a particularly big appetite.

@Siameasy

Honest answer? I really dislike obesity. It looks absolutely repulsive and obese people look extremely uncomfortable just moving around. I would hate to be like that. I wouldn’t say anything but I would definitely think it. I know that some people are obese as a result of illness, injury, medication or disability. I’m aware that could happen to me. Nonetheless this is how I feel. The increasing amount of morbidly obese clothing models has probably had the opposite effect to what was intended. It has put me off of obesity even more. A relative of mine is morbidly obese and in denial completely-like most addicts of course. He will die prematurely due to his addiction. The drug of choice in his case is totally legal; sugar.

I feel the same. I'd never say it publicly either but would think it. I think the body positivity movement has glamourised obesity in a way, and not a good way. When people say the average U.K. size is a 16 happily, it makes me cringe. Getting more and more people overweight is not a good thing.

@Crossfitwidow

I assume most slim people think fat people are repulsive. If they don't say it out loud they are probably thinking it.

Erm, no they're not. You can speak for your own obnoxious views, but not for other people.

@Findingthelight1 I'm so sorry about your sister, I cannot imagine losing a sibling and the loss it would cause.
There is no doubt that obesity can and does contribute to premature death of many people but its often a symptom of an underlying illness.... often binge eating disorder and a person with this disorder can no more "eat less move more ffs" than a person with anorexia can "just eat ffs". There are a huge amount of economic, societal and mental health factors and dieting is rarely the answer. If someone is obese they know they are obese you don't need to tell them. You can ask if they are OK, tell them that you are there for them.... but rarely will commenting negatively on their body help the situation.

I think some people feel that the world generally needs to hear their thoughts and opinions, no matter how rude and ignorant they are. They're cunts. I will be honest and say I would hate to be fat myself but I would never judge someone who's overweight, just as I would never judge a smoker even though I would hate to smoke myself. People just have vices.