AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

Because its still largely seen as acceptable. Because people see fat people as "greedy" or lacking in self control. They think we (fat people) should just less and move more.

Well I don't think for a second it was because she was actually concerned about the wellbeing of the strangers sat next to you.

I guess people do it because it makes them feel better about themselves.

In your position I would have found that remark extremely unpleasant and especially to then be told "you're not that fat" and "you carry it well". It's not something I'd expect to hear from a friend and I'd be re-evaluating the friendship to be honest.

@Ryannah

Greed is unpleasant. When people comment negatively on fatness they’re really commenting on greed and lack of self control.

Well, lots of things are unpleasant.

@Ryannah

Greed is unpleasant. When people comment negatively on fatness they’re really commenting on greed and lack of self control.

Do you think someone eating cake in a cafe is indicative of greed?

@Crossfitwidow

I assume most slim people think fat people are repulsive. If they don't say it out loud they are probably thinking it.

I don't and honestly I think it's a strange thing to dwell on.

If you're right then that is quite a sad state of affairs.

It's no wonder so many people have body image issues.

Ok you asked..
I would never dream of commenting about someone’s weight. But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat. If you eat healthily and exercise, even only having a walk a day, you will not be fat.
So if a person is fat, I assume they’re lazy and eat junk food to excess. They may argue that they don’t, citing gym sessions etc. However if they accounted for every calorie that goes in, and that includes finishing the kids’ dinner, the hugely calorific takeaways and wine, it would easily outweigh the output. It isn’t rocket science.
But as I said, I’d never actually say this to a fat person, albeit I don’t really know any fat people.
I do know anecdotally that people struggle with their weight. But some willpower and discipline should fix the issue.

I also presume however, that for some larger people, there are mental issues at play which leads to comfort eating etc. No idea what the answer is. Counselling?

People like to put other people down to make themselves feel better. Now that looking down on people for being a different race, gender, nationality etc is mostly accepted to be bigoted, this is the last acceptable hate speak that most people can do without feeling they are an arsehole. I think it has roots in misogyny as it is most often directed at women. And of course, womens job is to be attractive which means having a slim youthful body. Possibly ageist too.

@Ryannah

Greed is unpleasant. When people comment negatively on fatness they’re really commenting on greed and lack of self control.

What an interesting cross post. Totally proving my point.

She said it because she's not a very nice person. Nice people don't feel the need to say shitty things about others.

But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat. If you eat healthily and exercise, even only having a walk a day, you will not be fat.

But why does it bother you? I mean, without some sanctimony about the NHS.

We all have a beautiful option to mind our own business. It can sometimes make you feel great to not have to mentally decide why you're going to dislike this stranger.

I moan about weight I put on that I’ve not intended to because even a couple of lb does change my body shape, clothing size and it does look like fat on me. Just because I think I am personally “overweight” (in a broad sense of, I’m at the top end of the healthy scale) doesn’t mean I care or judge what weight or size someone else is.

People are allowed to moan about their own weight without being labelled fatphobic.

I am overweight, I know I am. I once had a boy about 10 say to presumably his sister in a supermarket, look at the fat woman ..... I put on my best grin and said ooh look at the rude children and carried on shopping, that did stop them in their tracks!

@WillyWollyWandy

Ok you asked.. I would never dream of commenting about someone’s weight. But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat. If you eat healthily and exercise, even only having a walk a day, you will not be fat. So if a person is fat, I assume they’re lazy and eat junk food to excess. They may argue that they don’t, citing gym sessions etc. However if they accounted for every calorie that goes in, and that includes finishing the kids’ dinner, the hugely calorific takeaways and wine, it would easily outweigh the output. It isn’t rocket science. But as I said, I’d never actually say this to a fat person, albeit I don’t really know any fat people. I do know anecdotally that people struggle with their weight. But some willpower and discipline should fix the issue. I also presume however, that for some larger people, there are mental issues at play which leads to comfort eating etc. No idea what the answer is. Counselling?

This attitude interests me and it's one that I see a lot.

So, I'm curious, do you show impeccable willpower and restraint in every single aspect of your life?

Some people who are overweight do struggle with food, yes (not all).

It is unfortunate that their struggle is so outwardly visible compared to say, someone who smokes, someone who drinks, someone who can't hold down a job for whatever reason, someone who has a gambling problem, a damaging shopping habit, a caffeine addiction, can't get up on time, has a messy house. Or literally ANYTHING that people struggle with but don't seem to get judged in the same way as being disgusting and lazy.

It's just odd to say you think someone is lazy or lacks willpower because you see they are fat and you assume they have an issue with food, whereas you would probably not have the same opinion towards someone with any of the above issues.

In fact I dare say you might have some of the above issues yourself. Most people don't go through life without one or two of them.

Incidentally I am not overweight myself but I just really struggle with this sort of discrimination and judgement based entirely on your impression of the way someone looks.

I think overweight people are treated very badly, people make instant judgments about them and it is not good.

'I had a comment from a friend about another friend that was overweight apparently 'she's costing the NHS thousands', this was from someone who smoked 40 a day and drank a bottle of red wine a night.I told her she was a hypocrite'

Tbf the smokers pay for their nhs treatment and more with all the tax they pay on their fags.

Op, your friend sounds a bit harsh but in the same way we judge if we see someone pissed or smoking it is completely normal to judge others people's very bad habits.

But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat

And how do you know if someone has a thyroid or other health condition? Do you ask them before or after passing judgement?

I wouldn't dream of commenting on people's weight to others, and definitely don't think all overweight people are greedy slobs. Your friend sounds unpleasant.

However from a slim person's perspective, my overweight friends do over eat. If someone is very overweight/obese I assume they either have an eating disorder or lack knowledge of how to eat healthy/portion size etc. I do find the quantities some people eat disgusting. I admit I have suffered with an eating disorder in the past, and as a result I am careful to maintain a healthy weight so my attitude to food may also be slightly warped.

I’ve had comments about what I’m eating from randoms. Even if it’s healthy. So bizarre.
I once had a colleague confide in me that she’d rather be dead than fat - in all seriousness. I was quite overweight/post pregnamcy and a bit shocked. She said she realised that was weird to think but it was true amd she’d always had food issues and overweight people made her feel sick…

I don't know why she would have said it out loud. Probably she didn't associate their weight being similar to your weight in the way that people often unconsciously make exceptions to those close to them.
If you ask why she thought it, only she could answer that. Possibly because we are all afraid of self destruction to a point, and when we see it in others it's provokes a reaction, even if it isn't rational. The same way a person with anorexia can appear as if they could simply wither away and die, an obese person eating could provoke thoughts of death through overeating.
Obviously we know rationally that overweight people cannot simply stop eating till they are a healthy weight, in the same way that people who are severely underweight cannot just eat till they are better, but maybe she voiced her inner subconscious feelings without acknowledging this. Some people comment openly on what and how other people are doing/ choosing/ living life. Judging out loud. Others filter every comment before speaking but we all have thought processes and have more to say about us and how we think than about the person they are aimed at.

*But I don't sit there judging people eating cake

@violetanemone

But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat

And how do you know if someone has a thyroid or other health condition? Do you ask them before or after passing judgement?

Quite. You can’t tell by looking at someone if they have a thyroid problem.

I have the opinion that years from now, commenting negatively about a person's appearance, including weight, will be viewed with the same horror that some of those seventies sitcoms are now when displaying racism or sexism.

I can see us gasping in shock at it in the future. I hope so at least.

Just because someone is fat does not necessarily mean they are unhealthy and 'costing the NHS'. Me and some NHS colleagues once went for health check offered at work during lunch break. I am obese, always been big except for occasions in my younger days when I dieted (with disordered eating due to childhood issues). I carry it well as tall and always had physical jobs. My colleagues were very slim, salad and natural yoghurt and fruit every lunchtime, the slimmest one in particular obsessed by her weight. When the results came back I had the lowest blood pressure and cholesterol, the look on some of my colleagues faces had to be seen to be believed! Especially the one obsessed by her weight/always exercising as her cholesterol so high she had to go on medication. Looks can be deceiving!

Having a pop at overweight people is one of the few prejudices that anyone can get away with and some really go for it. Even my young children know not to comment negatively on someone's appearance, and that includes if they’re overweight.