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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

434 replies

Claralaura · 09/11/2021 14:30

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

OP posts:
PasstheBucket89 · 10/11/2021 18:58

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister

the point I'm making as a previous poster made is that it's often disingenuously used as a stick to beat overweight people with, too many assumptions are made.

logsonlogsoff · 10/11/2021 18:59

God, this thread is depressing.

ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 10/11/2021 19:02

I went for a walk today, my usual weekly meet with my friend.

Just as I got to our meeting point a man looked at me and said "oh are you out for some exercise? Good for you. Well done." He didn't say anything to my friend (a size 10). She let rip at him. Condescending prick. No wonder us "fatties" don't bother doing any exercise.

PasstheBucket89 · 10/11/2021 19:07

it might be an idea to have this thread closed its potentially very triggering to people suffering from Binge Eating disorder, especially with cuz fat people can't eat there obese, massive and wolfing down 20 donuts Hmm

it's sad op you had good intentions

I hope you are proud such small minded pig ignorant morons Sad

Claralaura · 10/11/2021 19:21

Yeah it really is bringing out the worst of humanity. How do I get it set to closed?

OP posts:
LettertoHermoine · 10/11/2021 19:21

[quote Maverickess]@hamstersarse

I know all the stats around shift and night working, I'm living them (I don't mean to sound rude there btw) but I didn't really have a choice up until about 2 years ago when I started to think of getting off nights and back to the right side of the clock. I'm sure I don't need to spell out what started 2 years ago almost and the strain that's caused and continued to cause in social care. I'm good at my job, I'm seen as a safe pair of hands - especially at night and I've hung on and hung on through loyalty I guess. You're right, it's taken a massive toll on me, in more than just my clothes size, much more and I'm looking for a job to go back onto days and sort my health out before it really starts to bite. I can only go on days in my current place if there's a position available, and I am struggling to find the hours I need on days anywhere else in one place, it's looking like I'll need to stay longer or split working between two places - which no one is keen on wrt to covid.

@LettertoHermoine
Thank you. As you said it wasn't what you were saying because I do understand and appreciate that, and know what it's causing and I also know why I make those choices, and that's all I was trying to explain. I earn a few pennies above nmw, and there's not a lot of choices for shopping here that's accessible and cheap for budgets, especially when you factor in 50 hours on nights that leave me one day to do everything before it starts again - I need to work those hours to keep it all together. They're not excuses for why I'm overweight, they're the outcome of what needs to happen right now and how my priorities have changed. As I said in a pp on my first night I'm all good intentions and fruit, by the last it's literally whatever I can lay my hands on, can afford and needs the least amount of effort to stop me feeling hungry, what it is just doesn't factor half the time and if it does I'm too tired to care.

Fat people are often defensive because we face those kinds of words in judgement every day and it gets wearing and there's a constant barrage of negative language around it that gets turned into advice and concerns with an innocent edge when challenged.

Ultimately if fat shaming people (using terms like 'shovelling' it in, being lazy, having no self discipline, greedy, excuses etc with a negative overtone) actually worked, then there'd be far less fat people around wouldn't there. It doesn't work because we still have an obesity crisis, I'm not blind, I can see that, but maybe we need to start thinking that this is about more than just eating 50 Gregg's in a day because you're lazy and greedy and start looking at the reasons why it's happening in the first place.[/quote]
@Maverickess I have learned a lot today. I honestly mean that. Thank you for taking the time to explain especially after I had been so rude.

PasstheBucket89 · 10/11/2021 19:25

most people report their own thread.

Claralaura · 10/11/2021 19:32

I reported it. I think the bizarre transphobic rant should be enough to justify the closure. I'll think twice before posting such a divisive topic in future.

OP posts:
Naunet · 10/11/2021 19:39

Just as I got to our meeting point a man looked at me and said "oh are you out for some exercise? Good for you. Well done." He didn't say anything to my friend (a size 10). She let rip at him. Condescending prick. No wonder us "fatties" don't bother doing any exercise

I just wanted to add something on this. I agree that what he said is wrong, 100%, but all women get comments on their body from random men, constantly. Just because a woman has a man screaming “nice tits” at her, it’s not any better. It still makes her feel shit. Women who jog get this a lot, it’s intimidating and puts a lot of us off.

I’m not saying this to try to make out like what he said was no big deal, but more to explain that we sadly have to learn not to give a fuck about these comments or we’d all be hiding away!

ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 10/11/2021 19:44

@Naunet

Just as I got to our meeting point a man looked at me and said "oh are you out for some exercise? Good for you. Well done." He didn't say anything to my friend (a size 10). She let rip at him. Condescending prick. No wonder us "fatties" don't bother doing any exercise

I just wanted to add something on this. I agree that what he said is wrong, 100%, but all women get comments on their body from random men, constantly. Just because a woman has a man screaming “nice tits” at her, it’s not any better. It still makes her feel shit. Women who jog get this a lot, it’s intimidating and puts a lot of us off.

I’m not saying this to try to make out like what he said was no big deal, but more to explain that we sadly have to learn not to give a fuck about these comments or we’d all be hiding away!

I know women get comments all the time. I've been putting up with them since I was about 11 years old and got boobs.

But its not the same. I'm sorry but it's not. I don't need to be fucking congratulated because I went for a walk. Unless he said it to everyone he saw in the park. Which he didn't. The same as I don't need comments from my mum when i choose not to have a cake. Or when I do decide to have a cake.

Graphista · 10/11/2021 19:44

I have the opinion that years from now, commenting negatively about a person's appearance, including weight, will be viewed with the same horror that some of those seventies sitcoms are now when displaying racism or sexism.

Let's hope so!

@Mossstitch yes there is such a thing as "skinny outside fat inside" phenomenon. I've known very slim people who exercise lots BUT eat an appalling diet very high in saturated fats etc cos they think exercising and being slim is all that's necessary to be healthy. As we are getting older (these are people my age or parents age) they are starting to have health issues due to high cholesterol, blocked arteries etc 2 have had heart attacks before the age of 60

Social class is another factor in all of this.

Definitely

It is no more acceptable to judge someone for their body size than it is for their sex or their skin colour.

They are not particularly different and they come from a similar place.

Totally agree

I find one of the few advantages of being very overweight is that it really brings out the judgmental arseholes. So much easier to identify them and cut them out of your life.

So true

Certain ex friends of mine who seemed perfectly ok people when I was slim, as I gained weight and became less fit and healthy (for other reasons) they made less effort with the friendship and I noticed actively avoided doing certain activities with me. Fine by me as you say weeds out the arseholes!

@ThisThreadCouldOutMe exactly! You don't know what someone's personal battles are so you shouldn't assume.

I've just started venturing out again after almost 5 years housebound. Just stepping outside the door causes HUGE anxiety like hell am I attempting to go an exercise based walk and certainly not a run (not that I can run these days with the physical disability) and risk an injury or triggering myself back into being housebound or facing the crappy fatist comments I am sure I'd receive based on prior experience!

I have actually lost just over a stone since the start of June but that's been really bloody hard to do with all the limitations

My dd has now left home but I am also unable to work through ill health and while she was growing up yes it was a combo of cheap filling carbs and often times not eating at all so she didn't go hungry - that'll fuck with your metabolism every time!

It's NOT as simple as "eat less" either at one point I was having less than 700 cals a day due to how my health was and I was still fat! I suspect mainly due to meds

Ever noticed how many slim people who've NEVER been fat themselves seem to think they know how to lose weight? Never having done it themselves?

Knowing how not to gain weight (despite illness, disability and fat forming meds really?) is NOT the same as knowing how to lose it!

This is especially annoying with certain celebs!

@Noavocado no a size 10 person is more likely to be healthy and have a good cholesterol count etc but it is not a given there are lots of other factors

Because fat men don’t exist? Men don’t get judged for being fat?

Not as much and not in the same way no

As for being fat is immoral?! There's a lot worse people do and aren't judged for on that score!

Its just shit even passing comment.

Hear hear!

Plus didn't research recently find that most skinny smokers are still healthier than obese non smokers.

I'm betting this was research funded by big Tobacco?

@BaconAndAvocado my dd is also very slim - largely due to her own disability (the condition makes those with it taller than they would have been without plus a higher metabolism) she struggles to maintain a healthy weight UP the way, her best friend since age 11 is the opposite and of course she has lived with me and seen my struggles. She jumps right on ANYONE that makes disparaging comments of this type to anyone.

She's been on the receiving end of derogatory comments due to her slim frame inc hcps disbelieving she isn't anorexia DESPITE her dx (they're idiots frankly)

Fat shaming has repeatedly been proven to have the opposite effect that some think it will achieve. It doesn't motivate people to lose weight! It motivates them to eat more, demotivates them to be seen in public exercising and even exercising altogether.

Ok I'm up to 11pm yesterday I'm
Sure there are more interesting posts to read and comment on

Cameleongirl · 10/11/2021 19:47

@UnsuitableHat

I think some people are very preoccupied with weight and project their anxieties or whatever onto other people. As ppl have said it’s also a last acceptable prejudice and something very visual you can use to criticise another person and make assumptions about their lifestyle, thus reassuring yourself that you are better.
I completely agree, @UnsuitableHat
Naunet · 10/11/2021 19:48

I know women get comments all the time. I've been putting up with them since I was about 11 years old and got boobs

But its not the same. I'm sorry but it's not. I don't need to be fucking congratulated because I went for a walk. Unless he said it to everyone he saw in the park. Which he didn't. The same as I don't need comments from my mum when i choose not to have a cake. Or when I do decide to have a cake

I don’t know, I feel like it’s two sides of the same coin, it’s men feeling like they have a right to comment on random women, and no, he wouldn’t say those words to thin woman, but equally they don’t should “nice arse” at men!

It’s not just men of course, women comment on others bodies too, but that kind of public harassment is mostly a male thing.

Maverickess · 10/11/2021 19:50

@Claralaura

I reported it. I think the bizarre transphobic rant should be enough to justify the closure. I'll think twice before posting such a divisive topic in future.
It's a shame really, though I understand why it probably should disappear, there's a lot of useful stuff here that does explain why people feel they must comment on someone's weight, which was the original question, but also why people do end up over weight in the first place and the prejudice that exists around it.

@LettertoHermoine

I don't want sympathy, justification or pity for anything (not suggesting you think I do) just to be taken seriously when I speak about these issues and treated with respect and not written off as a person with dodgy morals because I have my flaw very visible around my body. I'm glad you've been able to appreciate a different side to this argument, many would stick to what they've said regardless because they don't believe I'm worthy of listening to - because I'm fat.

Claralaura · 10/11/2021 19:54

I don't think we should just accept any kind of bigotry as just part of life, whether it's sexist comments or fatphobic comments all should be called out.

OP posts:
ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 10/11/2021 19:55

Well having been on both sides of it (slim, being told "nice tits/arse") and fat ("ewww, who'd shag you"/"Well done for going for a walk love") I can tell you that they very much don't feel the same.

No men shouldn't comment on random women's looks. But they feel very very different. One makes me feel confident and attractive. One makes me feel repulsive and shit.

ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 10/11/2021 19:58

@Maverickess I've worked nights in the past. I can confirm that it totally messes up your eating patterns. Yes you could make an omelette or a chicken salad. But your body is craving a quick hit of carbs so you can go to sleep. It's brutal.

Claralaura · 10/11/2021 19:59

@ThisThreadCouldOutMe it depends on the situation.... if some creep leered at you on a lonely street and said "nice tits" it could feel quite threatening I would imagine. I think both are completely unacceptable and we shouldn't have to accept either as just being "part of life! ".

OP posts:
Fr0thandBubble · 10/11/2021 20:09

I wouldn't comment on someone's fatness but inwardly I do judge.

It pisses me off that so much of the NHS's resources are spent dealing with fat people. It concerns me that 80% of people in ICU with Covid were obese and I wonder if the lockdowns would have been necessary if everyone had been a normal weight I also really resent people claiming benefits for disability when their disability is caused or at least exacerbated by their obesity.

I don't like it when I have to sit next to someone who is overweight and spilling onto my seat, or if I am squeezed up against them on the Tube.

For environmental reasons, I don't like the unnecessary intake of food, and as a vegan I particularly hate to watch fat people gorging themselves on animal products.

I also find it really sad to see people abusing their bodies by letting themselves become fat - just like, as a pp said, it would be sad to see someone self-harming.

In other words, being fat DOES impact other people, and I think it's entirely natural that people judge it.

GlamorousHeifer · 10/11/2021 20:11

It depends how fat is considered fat according to this thread? Right now I'm a size 16-18 and 5'9. I've been a 14 all the way up to a 22 and no one has said anything negative (to my face/in earshot). It makes me wonder just how big people are to be getting these kinds of comments, not that it is ever justifiable to say anything to anyone but I am rightly or wrongly going to assume they are well above 'just a bit overweight' hence the comments about shoveling pastries down outside Greg's? Is it nice to think like that, absolutely not BUT If you see someone smoking whilst simultaneously doing that horrible phlegm filled coughing they do you make the same kind of judgement, ie why would you carry on doing something that makes you so unwell.
I do have a medical condition that makes keeping my weight down ridiculously hard however I do keep trying because I don't want to be that person that has to use a mobility scooter because of my weight. Life is far more pleasurable at a weight that makes doing daily activities easy and I think people judge as being so large is a very visible indicator that something is wrong/has gone wrong somewhere.

ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 10/11/2021 20:15

[quote Claralaura]@ThisThreadCouldOutMe it depends on the situation.... if some creep leered at you on a lonely street and said "nice tits" it could feel quite threatening I would imagine. I think both are completely unacceptable and we shouldn't have to accept either as just being "part of life! ".[/quote]
That's true. It still doesn't feel the same though. Not to me anyway.

Claralaura · 10/11/2021 20:22

Fyi they won't close the thread,

"Thanks for getting in touch.
We don't tend to close threads as standard - please could you report any posts that break our talk guidelines"

I reported some particularly nasty comments including the transphobic one. If anyone else could report anything that you find potentially triggering.

OP posts:
wanttomarryamillionaire · 10/11/2021 20:23

@Fr0thandBubble

I wouldn't comment on someone's fatness but inwardly I do judge.

It pisses me off that so much of the NHS's resources are spent dealing with fat people. It concerns me that 80% of people in ICU with Covid were obese and I wonder if the lockdowns would have been necessary if everyone had been a normal weight I also really resent people claiming benefits for disability when their disability is caused or at least exacerbated by their obesity.

I don't like it when I have to sit next to someone who is overweight and spilling onto my seat, or if I am squeezed up against them on the Tube.

For environmental reasons, I don't like the unnecessary intake of food, and as a vegan I particularly hate to watch fat people gorging themselves on animal products.

I also find it really sad to see people abusing their bodies by letting themselves become fat - just like, as a pp said, it would be sad to see someone self-harming.

In other words, being fat DOES impact other people, and I think it's entirely natural that people judge it.

Wow you sound like a delightful person Confused
Claralaura · 10/11/2021 20:29

@wanttomarryamillionaire

"Wow you sound like a delightful person"

I was thinking the same.

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/11/2021 20:41

@JaniieJones I AM tackling it WITHOUT suitable understanding or support from the very hcps criticising me for being overweight!

They criticise but offer NO help whatsoever!

It's NOT their job to merely criticise. I don't NEED anyone inc hcps to tell me I'm fat I'm perfectly well aware of the fact. Them banging on about it during a 10 min appointment about something completely unrelated is a waste of both our time esp when appointments are so precious. And esp when they offer no help or guidance as to how to lose the weight beyond the crass and trite "eat less move more" it's particularly galling to be lectured by hcps who are much fatter than I am!

And please DO tell me how I am supposed to tackle ALONE the FACT that I am on meds that slow metabolism and increase appetite? Or the likely undx (because they WON'T test) under active thyroid for which there is a family history and I have many of the other symptoms?

Because I can assure you once you have a Mh dx good luck getting anything else dx or treated cos it's all put down to being in the patients mind. I've even had visible symptoms like rashes and bruises dismissed for this reason!

With smokers they offer nicotine replacement, therapy, stop smoking sessions etc

it is as easy to eat healthy food as it is to eat crap food if you are using time and money as a factor

There speaks someone who's never had to choose whether to buy healthy food or have toast from the bread you have in and feed the meter, who's never had to choose whether to have a less healthy option because it doesn't need to be cooked or the healthier option but have to go without heating that eve, who's never been homeless or living in emergency accommodation with few facilities, who hasn't been running themselves ragged working and being a single parent and not getting home until near 8pm and needing to make something quick and easy for dinner cos they're knackered, the kids are hungry etc

I just wanted to get the point across that healthy food is possible timewise and moneywise. That's all.

Not always not for everyone

@Prattypitel I suspect there are addictive issues with some of us that are far too - but with other addictions you can stop having/doing the thing you're afflicted to. People wouldn't expect an alcoholic to drink in moderation and manage that yet for those who food is having the same effect they cannot just not eat

we face those kinds of words in judgement every day and it gets wearing

Yep

Another ex night shift worker here too never been able to get my sleep pattern decent since