AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

This thread makes me think of my ex mil and sil. Both completely obsessed with being slim, to the point of disordered eating and obsessive exercising. Both extremely shallow self obsessed people with a very obvious disdain for anyone overweight. Give me a fat, nice person over those pair of harpies any day!

Great post @Hadtocomment.

@Naunet

Very very few people are fat by "choice

This rhetoric is what’s so bloody harmful. Yes they are, they absolutely 100% are. Is it a choice that’s been influenced by other factors? Sure, it can be, just like being an alcoholic or drug addict can be. But we don’t tell addicts that it’s out of their control, that they don’t have a choice. We instead encourage them to take responsibility.

You say diets etc don’t work, but they do, it’s people who “don’t work”. Think of it like this, if a drug addict goes to rehab to try and get clean, but doesn’t address any of the issues that led them to take drugs in the first place, then nothing has changed and they may well quickly fall off the wagon once they’re out in the real world. Eating disorders or over eating can be the same, a diet can work, but if you don’t address your underlying issues around why you’re over eating, then it’s far less likely to.

Unhealthy relationships with food often start when people are still slim. It’s not the same as someone becoming fat due to disability or medical issues (where diet restriction is not always recommended). And in fact many overweight and borderline obese people actually have healthy relationships with food & don’t overweight - but they may not move enough to create a calorie deficit. Or in my case be eating the wrong macros. Not all fat people are greedy and you need to change your thinking about this.

*Don’t Overeat

[quote Claralaura]@Siameasy You are right that's a huge factor. There are some theories that say maybe its by design, like big business/government keeping us in a sugar fog so that we are more compliant. I did keto/intermittent fasting and actually found it great but when I broke it at a wedding I ended up spiralling back into disordered eating so now I find not restricting works best for me not to gain weight (not losing anything though)[/quote]
I think packaged food is almost certainly engineered to be addictive but not satisfying. The perfect junk food really.

Sugar has mild pain-killing effects and carbs are sugar to the body in any case. Dairy proteins are thought to have opiate-like effects. Ought baby humans to be drinking cows milk as it is designed to provoke fast growth in a baby cow?

What ought to be asked is - it’s a miracle that more of us aren’t overweight so if you’re slim in 2021, why and how?

We were slim in the 70s and early 80s. What has changed? People didn’t go to the gym back then. No “plant-based” diets. No step counters or artificial sweetener

Don’t Overeat a tad simplistic @Ozanj, I’m overweight. I have been on steroids for a significant period of time. They cause weight gain and redistribute fat so you end up with what’s known as moon face.
But you judge me on my weight, I’ll judge you on attitude.

@Naunet not everyone has the privilege of accessing the (often expensive) supports required to address these issues. Financially many do not have that choice.
Dieting is not recommended for anyone accessing support for Binge Eating Disorder in fact my counselor wouldn't see me until I agreed to stop dieting.

Unhealthy relationships with food often start when people are still slim. It’s not the same as someone becoming fat due to disability or medical issues (where diet restriction is not always recommended). And in fact many overweight and borderline obese people actually have healthy relationships with food & don’t overweight - but they may not move enough to create a calorie deficit. Or in my case be eating the wrong macros. Not all fat people are greedy and you need to change your thinking about this

Nowhere have I said all fat people are just greedy, please stop projecting.

[quote Claralaura]@Naunet not everyone has the privilege of accessing the (often expensive) supports required to address these issues. Financially many do not have that choice.
Dieting is not recommended for anyone accessing support for Binge Eating Disorder in fact my counselor wouldn't see me until I agreed to stop dieting.[/quote]
I agree, and that’s something that could be done to help bring about change - better access to mental health support would help a hell of a lot of people.

It's internalised hatred. People who hate fat people often have an inner 'greedy pig' that's desperate to get out. They spend their lives suppressing it and resent people who don't because some part of them recognises that greed / hunger and is terrified of giving in to it. The mental energy it takes must be enormous.

I never comment on others.

But i do say to overweight friends when i want to lose weight. We both have the capability to lose weight if we want to so why should i moderate talking about something that affects me. Which might sound mean on the face of it but actually if i wanted to smoke less why couldnt i say that to someone who smokes? Why should i assume someone overweight is sensitive about it and wants to lose weight when plenty of people are happy as they are?

@RealBecca good point but there is a difference in saying "I want to lose weight so I'm starting a diet" rather than saying "I'm disgustingly fat, I can't believe I let myself get so gross so I'm going on a diet" when the person you are saying it to is bigger than you that's a bit nasty I think. But you know your friend better than me and I'm sure you wouldn't say anything that you know would hurt them.

@Naunet But we don’t tell addicts that it’s out of their control, that they don’t have a choice. We instead encourage them to take responsibility.

We actually literally do. The basis of a lot of the most popular addiction treatments is that the addict is in fact helpless in the face of their addiction. And then strangely enough, recovery rates for addicts are extremely low. Addiction "treatments" were pretty much the first to encourage lack of accountability in terms of what you do to yourself.

@Gilead

Don’t Overeat a tad simplistic *@Ozanj*, I’m overweight. I have been on steroids for a significant period of time. They cause weight gain and redistribute fat so you end up with what’s known as moon face. But you judge me on my weight, I’ll judge you on attitude.

A star next to a sentence means you are correcting a line or part of a line in the previous post. Read that post to get what I’m saying.

@Ryannah

Greed is unpleasant. When people comment negatively on fatness they’re really commenting on greed and lack of self control.

How do you know the couple in question we're greedy?

@Claralaura completely agree, there is no need for comments of judgement, there is a huge difference between saying im trying to lose a few pounds so that i can fit into something i want to wear" compared to "im a massive piggy" which implies anyone larger is/should think they are also piggy. No need to hurt feelings x

'Very very few people are fat by "choice'

'This rhetoric is what’s so bloody harmful. Yes they are, they absolutely 100% are. Is it a choice that’s been influenced by other factors? Sure, it can be, just like being an alcoholic or drug addict can be. But we don’t tell addicts that it’s out of their control, that they don’t have a choice. We instead encourage them to take responsibility.'

This! I have every sympathy for someone fat and miserable but the denial and blame shifting on this thread is staggering. Take some responsibility, admit that you are an overeater for whatever 'reason' and instead of saying 'yeah but no but medical and genetic reasons' etc say 'I eat too much, I am obese and I want to change'. Only then will you actually come up with a plan and then maybe stick to it.

@JaniieJones People will take responsibility for whatever they want it's not for you to demand. If someone says they have an eating disorder, or medical condition who am I to disagree or doubt them. I wouldn't doubt someone who told me they had depression or MS or any other illness.
I would want to be seriously narcissistic to think I know their body / health better than them.

@HereticFanjo

It's internalised hatred. People who hate fat people often have an inner 'greedy pig' that's desperate to get out. They spend their lives suppressing it and resent people who don't because some part of them recognises that greed / hunger and is terrified of giving in to it. The mental energy it takes must be enormous.

The way this is written sounds quite resentful in itself however I think there is something about this.

It is well known that 'obese behaviours' are quite contagious and we don't necessarily want to be around people who might 'take us off track', even if we do this sub consciously.

@FreeBritnee

I also judged this morning when I saw a fat person in the car outside Greggs wolfing down some huge pastry with a hot drink whilst sat in their car. For me it’s because I’ve been there and I know how deeply unhappy I was at the time. I was sitting drinking a chamomile tea and occasionally ours eyes would meet. Perhaps they knew I was judging. I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like the right food to eat early in the morning but what do I know.

Exactly, what do you know? That person could well have been me after a 12 hour nightshift where I've had no chance to eat anything because it's too busy and I have half an hour to kill before my bus home, my back is in bits, I feel sick and I have that level of tiredness that only comes with forcing your body to not just be awake but active by any person's standards during the night. I can clock up 20,000 steps between midnight and 8am - but clearly the exercise itself isn't enough because I'm still overweight. Satisfying my hunger and getting enough sleep to function are my primary concerns because no one's going to give a shit if I make a mistake because I'm tired due to trying to live a healthier lifestyle now are they? It's all about the productivity. It kind of proves the point though that I'm judged for being lazy, because of the excess layer of fat around my body, on sight, when actually I work 40-50 hours a week in an active job that is essential to society. One recurring theme when getting help for my weight has always been to stop working permanent nights because of the increased risk of things like cancer, obesity, heart disease and stroke - but if we all do that who's going to do the roles that are essential to the country that need to be done at night? Someone has to, and therefore someone has to accept the increased health impacts that it has.

YANBU I wouldn't mention someone elses weight in earshot unless they mentioned it first, very rude and somewhat cruel.
However, if I see someone who is severely under or overweight, it surprises me how they are still alive.

Fat phobia is endemic in our society. I've been 60lbs overweight for about 20 years. I dieted and exercised during lockdown while WFH and lost the weight. Wasn't prepared for the reaction of friends and colleagues I hadn't seen. Ranged from extreme jealousy to adulation as though I'd won the Nobel peace prize. Horrified to think what they must have been thinking all these years. The worst/best thing was being put on a management programme at work. I wondered why I was always overlooked as my performance was clearly better than colleagues who were recommended for the course. Well now I know. It's because I was fat. To be fair I might regain the weight but it's given me a big peek behind the curtain of fat discrimination.

Satisfying my hunger and getting enough sleep to function are my primary concerns because no one's going to give a shit if I make a mistake because I'm tired due to trying to live a healthier lifestyle now are they? It's all about the productivity.

Why would you be more tired if you were living a healthy lifestyle.

I think the point, although to be fair it wasn't kindly delivered, is that a Greggs won't give you the nutrition you need to be healthy and have lots of energy. It is essentially nutritionally defunct. A calorie is not a calorie when it comes to long-term health and wellbeing.

Why would you be more tired if you were living a healthy lifestyle.

Because shopping, preparing and cooking from scratch takes time out of the already broken and restricted day time sleep I get. A pick up and eat food takes a lot less time than a meal I need to prepare and cook, and that time accumulates. I lose around 10 hours of sleep a week, every week because of trying to sleep during the day. Every half an hour is precious.
I prioritise that because I have to in order to keep a roof over my head and to be able to function at work. You do get stuck in the sugar/carb highs and lows that happen, I eat much healthier and feel better when I'm holiday from work and in a normal pattern, but the fact is I'm already not leading a healthy lifestyle before you factor in food. So yes, it's convenience but I guess my point is that I am making the choice of convenience because it's the lesser of two evils, not because I'm lazy or greedy.

'People will take responsibility for whatever they want it's not for you to demand'

Yes but it's a chat forum and you've brought it up to discuss, no?

Reread your posts, full of denials and excuses. Why do overweight people find it hard to say yeah I eat too much and I really shouldn't it's my fault.