AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

@Sudokuzebra absolutely, very important points im obese, only ever been in hospital to have my children.

any of those examples are costing the nhs far more than me.

No, I am trying to make the point that is it just as easy to have something healthy instead of making excuses that you can't.

I would never judge someone on how they look or comment on their size, I will however comment when someone makes excuses that don't stand up. Why eat something cheap that makes you feel like shit and puts weight on you when you can eat something cheap that makes you feel good and doesn't put weight on you.

Had you said you prefer to eat the crap food I would not have commented but using the excuse of time or money is bullshit. Sorry.

To quote yourself back at you, BULLSHIT and a cop out.

You're making excuses to justify your judgement of someone because they carry extra weight. I didn't say I prefer to eat the crap good, I said I do it through convenience because of the other aspects of my life and that balancing them out, nutrition is not a high priority compared to having to keep up the pace at work (and therefore my job) and getting enough sleep to enable me to do that.
I've explained my priorities and why, and what other things influence them. And also that nutrition isn't the only factor in my general health.
If you don't agree, you don't agree but don't try and make excuses for your shitty, derogatory attitude by telling me about my self and my life.

@Maverickess

The problem with separating out all these aspects of health and wellbeing into very separate streams is that they are actually all very connected.

For example, sleep. That is clearly for multiple reasons a priority for you and rightly so. But you will get better sleep if you eat nutritious food. You will sleep better if you get a bit of exercise.

I personally think there are 4 things to think about when you want to maximise your everyday energy - food/nutrition, sleep, exercise/movement and stress management.

And the problem is, you can't drop one and expect the others to compensate. It's more about little moves in each one to create a general upward trajectory.

@Maverickess

No, I am trying to make the point that is it just as easy to have something healthy instead of making excuses that you can't.

I would never judge someone on how they look or comment on their size, I will however comment when someone makes excuses that don't stand up. Why eat something cheap that makes you feel like shit and puts weight on you when you can eat something cheap that makes you feel good and doesn't put weight on you.

Had you said you prefer to eat the crap food I would not have commented but using the excuse of time or money is bullshit. Sorry.

To quote yourself back at you, BULLSHIT and a cop out.

You're making excuses to justify your judgement of someone because they carry extra weight. I didn't say I prefer to eat the crap good, I said I do it through convenience because of the other aspects of my life and that balancing them out, nutrition is not a high priority compared to having to keep up the pace at work (and therefore my job) and getting enough sleep to enable me to do that.
I've explained my priorities and why, and what other things influence them. And also that nutrition isn't the only factor in my general health.
If you don't agree, you don't agree but don't try and make excuses for your shitty, derogatory attitude by telling me about my self and my life.

I didn't say you said you prefer to eat the crap food, read my post again. I said HAD you said you prefer to eat crap food I wouldn't have commented.

My point was and still is that it is as easy to eat healthy food as it is to eat crap food if you are using time and money as a factor. You have the choice of what to eat and you choose to eat what you eat and that is totally your choice but don't make out that it is because of money or time because that is not the case. You came on and gave a lot of reasons of why you eat Greggs with the shift you are doing and myself and others have simply argued that there are other choices that you could make should you choose to. It's simple.

For the vast vast vast majority of people, being fat is a choice. I think it's ridiculous how we're expected to tiptoe around it with euphemisms such as "plus sized", "larger people" and the daftest of all, "curvy".

People like to make all sorts of excuses for being fat but until relatively recently it was unusual to see a fat person. Why are there so many now? Because it's become socially acceptable.

Letting yourself become fat shows a complete lack of respect or appreciation for your body. Usually it's a result of laziness, ignorance, greed or unhappiness. None of which are enviable qualities.

Also, let's not pretend "fatphobia" is a one way street. How often do you hear things like "real women have curves", "body like a teenage boy" or "only dogs like bones"?

@hamstersarse and @LettertoHermoine

I never really struggled with my weight until 10 years ago when I started permanent nights, which was a choice between no job and permanent nights due to childcare.
I have never really been a 'foodie' and always active, I don't drive and I rode 4/5 times a week (a friend's horse that I look after in return for riding until he retired before anyone picks me up on that!) I would put weight on, but easily dropped it again by doing a bit more/eating a bit less. I ate because I was hungry mainly, I do love my food but it wasn't a priority then and it didn't cause me an issue. I had to stay a good weight in order to ride and if I went through a period when I started putting on, it was easy enough to get it back off. I've never been slim, but I am tall and back then at least, muscular and fit. I wouldn't have stayed on the horse if I wasn't!
I gained a lot of weight through pregnancy because I couldn't do a lot of the activity I was used to, but again managed to shift it when I could go back to it.
The difference was I worked days, and therefore although busy wasn't constantly fighting my instinct to sleep or turning my body clock one way and then the other week in, week out - which is exhausting and takes it's toll on your physical health in more ways than just what you eat.

The change came as I got further into my years of nights and sleeping became more of a priority than it ever had been before, I feel jet lagged permanently.

What I've tried to explain is that this 'lifestyle' is what's led to me eating the way I do, and that lifestyle is through necessity of earning a living and being able to sustain that. I've not said it's all someone else's fault, I've not said it's not because of the choices I make, I've explained why I make the choices I do and been told they're 'just excuses', bullshit and a cop out.

People claim to want fat people to own it, well I am by explaining the reasons I make my choices, yet I'm still being dismissed, belittled and mocked. Do you really want fat people to own it, explain? Or do you just want to judge, feel justified in that judgement and make your own excuses to justify that judgement and attitude so you don't feel like you're being horrible for the sake of it, and therefore a much better person than a fatty could ever be?

Night work really is horrific for your metabolism and health.

Even the sleep you get will not be regulating your hormones properly as it is totally against the circadian rhythm that is built into all of us.

I do sympathise, really I do. You have said in pp that you don't want to give up night work, which is admirable but I do think you can't do this forever, it will literally kill you. And if you don't pay extra attention to things like nutrition, you will continue to feel like shite.

@Maverickess I am sorry if I upset you, I really didn't mean to come across like that. I just wanted to get the point across that healthy food is possible timewise and moneywise. That's all.

Mindset is a different matter entirely and reading your post above I see where you are coming from. I apologise for my choice of words because they were out of order.

im obese, only ever been in hospital to have my children

So... the health risks of obesity aren't real because they haven't hit you personally (yet?)
My sister would have said the same as you. She had no health conditions at all due to her weight- until she suddenly died. At which point the postmortem report unfortunately was all too clear on what damage had - invisibly - been done to her body.

"Sleep deprivation has such serious outcomes that “the World Health Organisation has classed any form of night-time shift work as a probable carcinogen."

@Maverickess

I know you need to work. But it sounds like this is really taking a toll on you now.

I was far at around 100kg. I had surgery and list 42kg. Try lifting that and see what your heart and joints suffer. I had PCOS and thyroid but also was so depressed about how I looked and how I was treated I took action. Now I am thin I take care of myself and have learned to use the available tools to not be fat. Lifer isn't perfect but it's a hell of a lot better. So yes, I do judge people a bit in a sort yourself out kind of way. It isn't something you can't change and being morbidly obese is unhealthy. On a forum that advises people never to bother the doctor or go to A and E, surely it's OK to say also don't burden yourselves and the NHS with preventable diseases like hips, knees, diabetes, stroke, heart attack and mental health???

It is generally accepted that Drug addiction, Alcoholism, Chainsmoking, Gambling etc are things that harm a person.I never understand,why pointing out that Obesity will harm a person too, is suddenly called fat shaming.I know, every addicted person will have their story, it just seems,that people who massively overeat have a particular strong defense mechanism.

@Draggondragon

I was far at around 100kg. I had surgery and list 42kg. Try lifting that and see what your heart and joints suffer. I had PCOS and thyroid but also was so depressed about how I looked and how I was treated I took action. Now I am thin I take care of myself and have learned to use the available tools to not be fat. Lifer isn't perfect but it's a hell of a lot better. So yes, I do judge people a bit in a sort yourself out kind of way. It isn't something you can't change and being morbidly obese is unhealthy. On a forum that advises people never to bother the doctor or go to A and E, surely it's OK to say also don't burden yourselves and the NHS with preventable diseases like hips, knees, diabetes, stroke, heart attack and mental health???

I'm not sure I agree than mental health is comparable to overeating etc. A lot of MH issues stem from childhood and upbringing.

@Draggondragon

I was far at around 100kg. I had surgery and list 42kg. Try lifting that and see what your heart and joints suffer. I had PCOS and thyroid but also was so depressed about how I looked and how I was treated I took action. Now I am thin I take care of myself and have learned to use the available tools to not be fat. Lifer isn't perfect but it's a hell of a lot better. So yes, I do judge people a bit in a sort yourself out kind of way. It isn't something you can't change and being morbidly obese is unhealthy. On a forum that advises people never to bother the doctor or go to A and E, surely it's OK to say also don't burden yourselves and the NHS with preventable diseases like hips, knees, diabetes, stroke, heart attack and mental health???

Congratulation, enjoy your lighter life.You are a wonderful example for many people.

Just to clarify I would have been just as horrified if my friend had said "real women have curves", "body like a teenage boy" or "only dogs like bones".... commenting on people's bodies is just out of order. As is offering "advice" without being asked.

I'm fat. Size 16 and 5ft 10
I don't judge anyone because TBH I don't really notice/think about people like that. I might think oh nice bag/like that dress/wonder how she gets her hair like that but I'm too busy hating my own body!
I also vowed I wouldn't do it after sitting watching TV with colleagues and the whole programme was bitching about what people looked like

@Draggondragon sorry I'm lost how is "mental health" a "preventable disease"?

When I see obese people, I notice, but I am not judgey judgey about it - I am more in despair for them. I imagine how shit they most probably feel about it, helpless. I read a lot of accounts on here about that sort of feeling

Been reading this thread and none of it is surprising. The same tired old bullshit but this comment takes the fucking biscuit.

Please, please save your despair and pity for this fat person. I'm happy, very happy. Maybe you could direct your despair somewhere more appropriate?

[quote Claralaura]@JaniieJones by just looking at a fat person how on earth can you possibly know why they are fat? You cannot possibly know why.
Very very few people are fat by "choice". You don't know that if you had their physical and mental health and lived experience that you wouldn't be exactly the same way.

Fat shaming and diet culture doesn't work to make people thin, if it did there wouldn't be so many people overweight. Shaming them hasn't worked so maybe we could give empathy and kindness a try[/quote]
If I see someone massive, coming out of Greg's with a four pack of donuts and they're one down before they've even left the shop, and a full fat come to wash it down with, then yea I have a pretty good idea of why that person is fat. Because they are eating high calorie low nutrient food. What I don't know and wouldn't judge, is WHY they are eating that food. But yes I do think, if someone is really fat, over a size 24 or something, "blimey, they're fat". @

I also judged this morning when I saw a fat person in the car outside Greggs wolfing down some huge pastry with a hot drink whilst sat in their car. For me it’s because I’ve been there and I know how deeply unhappy I was at the time. I was sitting drinking a chamomile tea and occasionally ours eyes would meet. Perhaps they knew I was judging. I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like the right food to eat early in the morning but what do I know

The language in this post is just vile. Fat people can never be eating, can they. It's WOLFING. It isn't a pastry, it's a HUGE pastry. Why the need to add the bit about your chamomile tea? Simple answer - you did it to convey your superiority.

'Chubby person' that should've read.

@awesomekilick yeah none of us know why people eat the food they do. In my case in the height of bingeing I would have easily eaten 12 donuts and a coke in under a minute you prob wouldn't have saw me do it because I did it in secret but i would inhale them, literally so fast I wouldn't even taste it. I'd be so ill I couldn't move afterwards and when I finally came round the guilt and shame would set in which then lead to more bingeing. The only way I found to stop the cycle was to stop dieting and restricting food. Now I'm hyper aware of the invisible struggles people may have so when I have a moment where I find myself judging I stop myself and think that if I lived their life I might be exactly the same.

@hamstersarse

I know all the stats around shift and night working, I'm living them (I don't mean to sound rude there btw) but I didn't really have a choice up until about 2 years ago when I started to think of getting off nights and back to the right side of the clock. I'm sure I don't need to spell out what started 2 years ago almost and the strain that's caused and continued to cause in social care. I'm good at my job, I'm seen as a safe pair of hands - especially at night and I've hung on and hung on through loyalty I guess. You're right, it's taken a massive toll on me, in more than just my clothes size, much more and I'm looking for a job to go back onto days and sort my health out before it really starts to bite. I can only go on days in my current place if there's a position available, and I am struggling to find the hours I need on days anywhere else in one place, it's looking like I'll need to stay longer or split working between two places - which no one is keen on wrt to covid.

@LettertoHermoine
Thank you. As you said it wasn't what you were saying because I do understand and appreciate that, and know what it's causing and I also know why I make those choices, and that's all I was trying to explain. I earn a few pennies above nmw, and there's not a lot of choices for shopping here that's accessible and cheap for budgets, especially when you factor in 50 hours on nights that leave me one day to do everything before it starts again - I need to work those hours to keep it all together. They're not excuses for why I'm overweight, they're the outcome of what needs to happen right now and how my priorities have changed. As I said in a pp on my first night I'm all good intentions and fruit, by the last it's literally whatever I can lay my hands on, can afford and needs the least amount of effort to stop me feeling hungry, what it is just doesn't factor half the time and if it does I'm too tired to care.

Fat people are often defensive because we face those kinds of words in judgement every day and it gets wearing and there's a constant barrage of negative language around it that gets turned into advice and concerns with an innocent edge when challenged.

Ultimately if fat shaming people (using terms like 'shovelling' it in, being lazy, having no self discipline, greedy, excuses etc with a negative overtone) actually worked, then there'd be far less fat people around wouldn't there. It doesn't work because we still have an obesity crisis, I'm not blind, I can see that, but maybe we need to start thinking that this is about more than just eating 50 Gregg's in a day because you're lazy and greedy and start looking at the reasons why it's happening in the first place.

I think some people are very preoccupied with weight and project their anxieties or whatever onto other people. As ppl have said it’s also a last acceptable prejudice and something very visual you can use to criticise another person and make assumptions about their lifestyle, thus reassuring yourself that you are better.