AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

And 'healthier' convenience foods are often not healthier at all, and far more expensive.

@JaniieJones

'People will take responsibility for whatever they want it's not for you to demand'

Yes but it's a chat forum and you've brought it up to discuss, no?

Reread your posts, full of denials and excuses. Why do overweight people find it hard to say yeah I eat too much and I really shouldn't it's my fault.

And why do other people feel the need to label fat people's real life, lived experiences as 'excuses'? And dismiss them?

Because we've already been pre judged, and found wanting, that's why and people don't actually want to help, or save the NHS or 'educate' they want to judge and they want to be able to justify that judgement by feeling the person judged deserves it.

[quote hamstersarse]@CounsellorTroi

This has a summary of the research on processed oils www.jeffnobbs.com/posts/death-by-vegetable-oil-what-the-studies-say

We should not be eating them in the quantities we are - but if you try to remove them from your diet, it is literally almost impossible.[/quote]
Interesting, thank you.

@Maverickess

Why would you be more tired if you were living a healthy lifestyle.

Because shopping, preparing and cooking from scratch takes time out of the already broken and restricted day time sleep I get. A pick up and eat food takes a lot less time than a meal I need to prepare and cook, and that time accumulates. I lose around 10 hours of sleep a week, every week because of trying to sleep during the day. Every half an hour is precious.
I prioritise that because I have to in order to keep a roof over my head and to be able to function at work. You do get stuck in the sugar/carb highs and lows that happen, I eat much healthier and feel better when I'm holiday from work and in a normal pattern, but the fact is I'm already not leading a healthy lifestyle before you factor in food. So yes, it's convenience but I guess my point is that I am making the choice of convenience because it's the lesser of two evils, not because I'm lazy or greedy.

I do hear you.

I guess I'm always a bit flummoxed as how successful marketeers have been in convincing people that their food is 'convenient'.

For example, it takes me 4.5 minutes to cook a steak. Full of iron, Vit B12

It has just this minute taken me 4 minutes to fry some whitebait (£2.70 frozen from Morrisons)

It would take me maybe 7 minutes to cook an omelette

All those meals are packed full of nutrients and are so quick and 2/3 are very very cheap. Also if you eat good nutritious food, you have more energy and also do not get cravings / hanger.

I just feel like you are a marketeers dream, thinking you aren't able to cook well when you are time poor.

@Maverickess

Why would you be more tired if you were living a healthy lifestyle.

Because shopping, preparing and cooking from scratch takes time out of the already broken and restricted day time sleep I get. A pick up and eat food takes a lot less time than a meal I need to prepare and cook, and that time accumulates. I lose around 10 hours of sleep a week, every week because of trying to sleep during the day. Every half an hour is precious.
I prioritise that because I have to in order to keep a roof over my head and to be able to function at work. You do get stuck in the sugar/carb highs and lows that happen, I eat much healthier and feel better when I'm holiday from work and in a normal pattern, but the fact is I'm already not leading a healthy lifestyle before you factor in food. So yes, it's convenience but I guess my point is that I am making the choice of convenience because it's the lesser of two evils, not because I'm lazy or greedy.

That's a cop out. A pick up and eat chicken salad, throw on some scrambled eggs, a tuna wrap, a chicken fillet and baked potato.

You are talking MINUTES for any of those.

@JaniieJones I can't speak for all fat people but I can speak for me. I put on a lot of weight when I had Binge Eating Disorder. I have not binged in 2 years but also have not dieted (on the advice of my ED therapist) I am still 3 stone overweight but have stayed the same weight for the last 2 years. I "could" lose weight but it would inevitably result in a spiral back into ED so for me being overweight, while not ideal, is the lesser of 2 evils. This is my lived experience, you might see me in a coffee shop and think " fat mess she should eat less" but you don't know me or my life so why judge at all?

I'm cash poor too, that pastry likely costs a £1 and I don't have to cook it, which adds cost.

I do hear what you're saying and I know these things myself, and do do them, however fully awake and rational me makes very different choices to sleep deprived , aching, nauseous and hangry me! I'll have a bowl of porridge before my first shift for example, and a banana - my last it's what I can grab because I just don't have the energy left and probably haven't got much or any of the decency stuff left.
As does rushed off my feet trying to balance other people's needs me, where I don't come last, I don't factor at all, so a handful of biscuits or a sweet strong coffee is more beneficial to me being present and delivering than a salad or similar (and that's not being woe is me that's just the facts of what's expected of me)

'people don't actually want to help, or save the NHS or 'educate' they want to judge and they want to be able to justify that judgement by feeling the person judged deserves it.'

I have an opinion on an overeater in the same way as I have an opnion on a heavy drinker. Pity and puzzlement that they always have reasons why its not their fault.

I don't make unkind comments irl, but on a chat forum where we repeatedly hear 'we can't help it', it needs saying that yes, yes you can.

That's a cop out. A pick up and eat chicken salad, throw on some scrambled eggs, a tuna wrap, a chicken fillet and baked potato.

You are talking MINUTES for any of those.

Yep, my life experiences are a cop out. I can't afford to be eating chicken breasts love 🤣 and I'm sure you'd be real happy if I neglected your family members care and they came to harm so I can rustle that delight up at work 🙄

it needs saying that yes, yes you can

Why does it though? And why is this your responsibility?

@JaniieJones

'people don't actually want to help, or save the NHS or 'educate' they want to judge and they want to be able to justify that judgement by feeling the person judged deserves it.'

I have an opinion on an overeater in the same way as I have an opnion on a heavy drinker. Pity and puzzlement that they always have reasons why its not their fault.

I don't make unkind comments irl, but on a chat forum where we repeatedly hear 'we can't help it', it needs saying that yes, yes you can.

Thing is I'm not saying I can't help it, I'm explaining the reasons behind it and that they're not simply q case that I'm greedy and lazy which is being said, in response I'm being told I'm making excuses, it's a cop out, and met with pity and puzzlement. Which kind of proves the point it's about the person who comments feelings about their judgement and justification of that far more than the fact I'm a bit fat.

@PleasantBirthday

it needs saying that yes, yes you can

Why does it though? And why is this your responsibility?

It's the topic of the thread, different opinions get aired.

@Maverickess

That's a cop out. A pick up and eat chicken salad, throw on some scrambled eggs, a tuna wrap, a chicken fillet and baked potato.

You are talking MINUTES for any of those.

Yep, my life experiences are a cop out. I can't afford to be eating chicken breasts love 🤣 and I'm sure you'd be real happy if I neglected your family members care and they came to harm so I can rustle that delight up at work 🙄

Absolute BULLSHIT. 2 chicken fillets are £1.90 in Tesco. You buy a pastry with no nutritional value that makes you feel like shit for £1.

Boil a 95p chicken breast the night before work, throw it in with a salad or some wholewheat pasta and there is a dinner for very cheap but nutritious. Buy a tin of tuna for 79p and put it on a wrap. Take 2 mins.

Like I said..a complete cop out.

It's the topic of the thread, different opinions get aired.

The topic of the thread is why people feel the need to make fatphobic comments. And as usual it's turned into fat people having to justify their existence because others don't like looking at them. Because in reality how does me being a couple of stone overweight affect anyone else? Any more than anyone elses life choices or demands affect anyone else?
Fat people are an acceptable target and people tie themselves in knots to justify that targeting when really it's no more than self gratification.

@Maverickess

This is going to sound harsher than it’s meant to but you keep using the word lazy…..am I allowed to say that it does sound lazy that you would rather eat a greggs than whip up an omelette?

I think what you are actually saying is you don’t prioritise nutrition

Absolute BULLSHIT. 2 chicken fillets are £1.90 in Tesco. You buy a pastry with no nutritional value that makes you feel like shit for £1.

Hmm, if only everywhere had a Tesco. And seriously, why so much venom? Feeling the need because I've admitted I'm fat and I need putting in my place?

Boil a 95p chicken breast the night before work, throw it in with a salad or some wholewheat pasta and there is a dinner for very cheap but nutritious. Buy a tin of tuna for 79p and put it on a wrap. Take 2 mins.

I don't need your recipes thanks.

Like I said..a complete cop out.

Believe what you like if it means you can justify your shitty attitude towards other people because of the way they look and nothing else.

[quote hamstersarse]@Maverickess

This is going to sound harsher than it’s meant to but you keep using the word lazy…..am I allowed to say that it does sound lazy that you would rather eat a greggs than whip up an omelette?

I think what you are actually saying is you don’t prioritise nutrition[/quote]
You can say what you like, it might sound lazy I agree but it's a decision taken with many other factors to consider not just nutrition.
No, I don't prioritise nutrition, but not because I don't want to or because I can't be bothered, but because other things suffer when I do and ultimately they're more important to me. You don't have to agree with that, but then you don't have to live with the concequences either do you?

@Maverickess

You’re right

It’s a vicious circle, the worse your nutrition, the less energy you have, the less energy you have, the more junk food you consume. And on it goes

I do think night shift is catastrophic for your health though so you really are fighting a battle there

@Maverickess yes to everything!!! Sure a boiled chicken salad might be healthy but hardly what you'd crave at 4am after working physically all night and not getting much sleep during the day with kids etc you are naturally going to choose the quick tasty option. Anyone that gets that worked up about what other people eat cannot possibly be happy in themselves.

@Maverickess

Absolute BULLSHIT. 2 chicken fillets are £1.90 in Tesco. You buy a pastry with no nutritional value that makes you feel like shit for £1.

Hmm, if only everywhere had a Tesco. And seriously, why so much venom? Feeling the need because I've admitted I'm fat and I need putting in my place?

Boil a 95p chicken breast the night before work, throw it in with a salad or some wholewheat pasta and there is a dinner for very cheap but nutritious. Buy a tin of tuna for 79p and put it on a wrap. Take 2 mins.

I don't need your recipes thanks.

Like I said..a complete cop out.

Believe what you like if it means you can justify your shitty attitude towards other people because of the way they look and nothing else.

No, I am trying to make the point that is it just as easy to have something healthy instead of making excuses that you can't.

I would never judge someone on how they look or comment on their size, I will however comment when someone makes excuses that don't stand up. Why eat something cheap that makes you feel like shit and puts weight on you when you can eat something cheap that makes you feel good and doesn't put weight on you.

Had you said you prefer to eat the crap food I would not have commented but using the excuse of time or money is bullshit. Sorry.

The only people I know who feel sick at others bodies or seeing people eat things like cake are those with major body issues and eating disorders themselves

[quote Claralaura]@Maverickess yes to everything!!! Sure a boiled chicken salad might be healthy but hardly what you'd crave at 4am after working physically all night and not getting much sleep during the day with kids etc you are naturally going to choose the quick tasty option. Anyone that gets that worked up about what other people eat cannot possibly be happy in themselves.[/quote]
I don't care what other people eat, knock yourself out and eat 50 Greggs a day, that is your decision and your prerogative BUT do not try to make out you don't have the time or the money to have something healthy and blame your weight on that.

@WillyWollyWandy

Ok you asked.. I would never dream of commenting about someone’s weight. But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat. If you eat healthily and exercise, even only having a walk a day, you will not be fat. So if a person is fat, I assume they’re lazy and eat junk food to excess. They may argue that they don’t, citing gym sessions etc. However if they accounted for every calorie that goes in, and that includes finishing the kids’ dinner, the hugely calorific takeaways and wine, it would easily outweigh the output. It isn’t rocket science. But as I said, I’d never actually say this to a fat person, albeit I don’t really know any fat people. I do know anecdotally that people struggle with their weight. But some willpower and discipline should fix the issue. I also presume however, that for some larger people, there are mental issues at play which leads to comfort eating etc. No idea what the answer is. Counselling?

You're right some willpower would fix it. But that's not as simple as that. I SHOULD move more and eat less. I'm not going to pretend I'm fat because of health conditions, I'm fat because I have appalling self control and I eat to excess because when I have severe depression I'm trying to fill a void in me. I also eat to 'punish' myself so to speak. Do I want to live like this? No. Is it as easy as 'shall I just eat less?' Also no. I don't smoke, I don't drink at all, but I have a self destructive behaviour that I am struggling to control that I would love to do something about but I'm struggling.

It's one of the last acceptable prejudices - alongside mental illness unfortunately

I would be far from impressed with your friends attitude actually and in your shoes I'd be dropping the friendship. Not just because it was a fat-ist comment but because she thinks she has the right to judge others based on a snapshot of their lives and thought you would be sympathetic to her view - I'd find the latter the most offensive part actually

Being overweight is a complex issue. I'm overweight myself these days (trying hard to not be, I've lost weight recently but have hit a plateau) but I've also been extremely slim and had nasty comments directed my way inc school bullying because of that, I've been accused of being anorexic by hcps etc which couldn't have been further from the truth!

I now get crap from hcps about being overweight even when the thing I am discussing with them has NOTHING to do with that!

I know people who are overweight who are otherwise physically very healthy (inc myself to a degree) and I know very slim people who have appalling physical health and partake in very unhealthy habits (mainly smoking) extremely hypocritical of those people to judge fat people

I think it’s about othering, a lack of empathy and an inability to accept that it’s ok for people to be different.

I agree

I've also noticed the kinda people most likely to make such comments are also the types I would not have been surprised in past eras if they had made racist or homophobic comments - it's the kind of person THEY are rather than the kind of person they're denigrating is

@Ryannah still not appropriate to comment or indeed even think. It's nobody else's business - few people are perfect enough they can criticise others without there being a hint of hypocrisy

@WillyWollyWandy have you ever been overweight yourself? An awful lot of assumptions in your post I find it very telling you claim to have no fat friends

I think it has roots in misogyny as it is most often directed at women

I'd agree with that too

Possibly ageist too.

Yep! Especially coming from youngsters who haven't yet had a pregnancy or ageing hormones to deal with

It is unfortunate that their struggle is so outwardly visible compared to say, someone who smokes, someone who drinks, someone who can't hold down a job for whatever reason, someone who has a gambling problem, a damaging shopping habit, a caffeine addiction, can't get up on time, has a messy house. Or literally ANYTHING that people struggle with but don't seem to get judged in the same way as being disgusting and lazy.

Well said

Tbf the smokers pay for their nhs treatment and more with all the tax they pay on their fags.

That's a myth actually. They pay part of it but it isn't enough to totally cover it. Also doesn't cover the costs of harm inflicted on passive smokers. I'm a lifelong asthmatic and when I lived at home with 2 smoking parents it was most definitely much worse and I needed a lot more treatment for the asthma, chest infections etc.

People looking at me can see I am overweight

What they cannot see is that:

I am on 3 medications that are life saving but which also contribute to that

That I have an invisible physical disability that affects my mobility and ability to exercise formally

That I have a severe mental illness which needs to be carefully managed with regards to food and eating as it can tip over into an Ed

That I may have an under active thyroid as I suspect but which I have been unable to get a test for as yet because apparently "crazy patients" are never physically I'll

I've got as far as 4pm yesterday I'll add more later

'It's one of the last acceptable prejudices'

Oh no no no, I beg to differ. All unhealthy lifestyles are frowned upon nowadays. You must've be so defensive like the op. I see you too have reasons for your weight. How about changing the record and having a list of how you plan to tackle it rather than a list of why you can't?

P.s hcps will keep bringing it up in the say way they encourage smokers fo stop. It's their job.