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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare issues at xmas

230 replies

Cherrytree1621 · 09/11/2021 11:36

Dh has had to take a new job due to personal issues meaning he will no longer be off 23rd and Xmas eve to look after our 5 year old and 10 month old. I've asked my work to have it off, they've said there's too many off already. So any advice on what to do?

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 09/11/2021 15:19

@Offmyfence

There is no other option, we've tried every avenue, every conceivable person has been considered, nursery a no go, swapping shifts a no go, everything a no go .....

You will just have to sell the children prior to Christmas....

Grin
SockFluffInTheBath · 09/11/2021 15:20

If neither of you are taking unpaid parental leave then you need to go the paid babysitter route IMO. It’s bang out of order to ask (guilt trip) a friend to have children of that age for the 2 days right before Christmas.

TrufflesAndToast · 09/11/2021 15:21

I do think people are unrealistic about the likely willingness of OP’s friends to take on the care of two small children (one of whom is a 10 month old baby) over the festive period. It’s valuable family time for most people. I like to think I’m a helpful friend and nice person but I would only agree to help a friend with childcare over those days as an emergency if someone had been taken into hospital or something. With six weeks notice to make formal childcare arrangements I’m afraid I wouldn’t agree to this over my Christmas break (although maybe I’m just mean). I want to be free to make plans with friends and family and spend time with my own kids. I imagine OP’s friends may feel similar.

OP I’m also very confused about how willing you are to make your husband’s fuck up your problem to solve. Tell him in no uncertain terms you will be going to work as normal and that you have not sorted any childcare - would he seriously not do anything and then just go off to work on the day?! If so you have bigger problems than who will have your kids those days.

Jumpingintochristmas · 09/11/2021 15:21

@Cherrytree1621 we can’t find a magical solution. Lots of decent advice offered but you won’t bend in any way - this isn’t going to fix your problem.

Original poster
Cherrytree1621 · 09/11/2021 15:23

In laws are 300 miles away and are coming the week after Xmas

OP posts:
HappyMeal564 · 09/11/2021 15:24

No advice but you have my sympathy. I wouldn't want to leave my kids with a stranger either!

diddl · 09/11/2021 15:26

@Cherrytree1621

In laws are 300 miles away and are coming the week after Xmas
Does that mean that they couldn't also come for these two days?
QforCucumber · 09/11/2021 15:26

who usually has the kids now when you and DH are at work? If baby doesn't go to your nursery then someone must have him?

LampLighter414 · 09/11/2021 15:26

I doubt there is much more to be suggested on here and whatever is suggested seems to not be suitable.

Good luck discussing with your DP and friends/family for some solutions OP

Jumpingintochristmas · 09/11/2021 15:26

@Cherrytree1621

In laws are 300 miles away and are coming the week after Xmas
@Cherrytree1621 could you explain you are stuck and perhaps have them come 22nd and stay for Christmas?
shouldistop · 09/11/2021 15:30

Is your 10month old starting at a nursery before Christmas then? Could you ask his key worker if they'd like the extra work looking after the kids those days at your home?
We paid a nursery worker to babysit for us once in the evening.
Otherwise your dh will need to tell his new employer he needs these days off. It's his problem to sort.
Funny how he's changed jobs, messing up that childcare plans and it's you scrambling around for childcare, I bet he hasn't bothered his behind except for telling you he can't do it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/11/2021 15:31

Definitely don’t call in sick. That’s awful. Especially as you are a nursery worker and others are depending on you.

It’s really your DH problem to sort, not yours.

But I also think you’re a bit precious not wanting to take the to your nursery- surely that’s the obvious solution?

cadburyegg · 09/11/2021 15:32

Your DH should ensure that pre existing holidays are honoured in his new company, really that should be the first port of call
Holiday clubs might be open for the 5 year old
Unpaid parental leave if annual leave isn't available
Take 10 month old in to your nursery as a one off
I have 2 kids and if I was really stuck I would ask local friends who I know well as a one off emergency but I wouldn't expect them to look after both, I'd ask one friend for one child and another friend for the other. Then return the favour when I could

shouldistop · 09/11/2021 15:32

Surely nurseries don't just have the capacity for their staffs children? They have minimum staffing levels for the kids there.

Original poster
Cherrytree1621 · 09/11/2021 15:37

@TrufflesAndToast

I do think people are unrealistic about the likely willingness of OP’s friends to take on the care of two small children (one of whom is a 10 month old baby) over the festive period. It’s valuable family time for most people. I like to think I’m a helpful friend and nice person but I would only agree to help a friend with childcare over those days as an emergency if someone had been taken into hospital or something. With six weeks notice to make formal childcare arrangements I’m afraid I wouldn’t agree to this over my Christmas break (although maybe I’m just mean). I want to be free to make plans with friends and family and spend time with my own kids. I imagine OP’s friends may feel similar.

OP I’m also very confused about how willing you are to make your husband’s fuck up your problem to solve. Tell him in no uncertain terms you will be going to work as normal and that you have not sorted any childcare - would he seriously not do anything and then just go off to work on the day?! If so you have bigger problems than who will have your kids those days.

That's why I don't want to ask them. If they're off it's to spend time with their kids and family.

I'm not willing to. I just get very stressed and anxious about things and I'd rather sort them ASAP where as dh will sort it a week before.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2021 15:38

You say you 'didn't want DH to change jobs'. Is that why you're making this so difficult and rejecting PP's reasonable suggestions? Because you resent his changing jobs? I'm not saying you may not have a good reason for your feelings, just that it isn't going to help in this situation. You may have to choose a 'less than your perfect option' but as long as the children aren't in actual danger that may be what you just have to suck up and do.

I'm a bit amused at people saying "DH just needs to tell his new employer he has pre-booked plans and has to have those days off". I know I'm not in the UK, but where I live that would be laughed at unless it had been specified and agreed to in the hiring agreement. I've known people to be told 'Sorry, Charlie' when they've booked non-refundable tickets without checking with the boss beforehand. One of my co-workers was famous for this in order to get Xmas week off.

Have you considered trying to ask two friends about taking one child each instead of asking one to take both? And offering to bring food for them and paying them something for their help?

RedskyThisNight · 09/11/2021 15:38

@shouldistop

Surely nurseries don't just have the capacity for their staffs children? They have minimum staffing levels for the kids there.
I think we're assuming that the nursery will be running at lower capacity due to the proximity to Christmas, therefore there will be space for an extra child.
MargaretThursday · 09/11/2021 15:40

Mary Poppins goes to 17 Cherry Tree Lane so, looking at your username maybe she's close at hand. Grin

Original poster
Cherrytree1621 · 09/11/2021 15:41

@QforCucumber

who usually has the kids now when you and DH are at work? If baby doesn't go to your nursery then someone must have him?
I'm on mat leave. 10 month old starts nursery 1st December. I'm incredibly anxious about this. I wish I wasn't because I wasn't with our eldest.
OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/11/2021 15:42

dh will sort it a week before.

Make it clear that's not an option. Ask him everyday whether he's spoken to the new workplace about taking those days off yet. Keep throwing it back to him. He knows you'll sort it as it makes you more uncomfortable than it makes him. So you have to turn that around and make it more uncomfortable for him not to make arrangements than to leave it hanging.

AudacityBaby · 09/11/2021 15:42

I'm really struggling with why you expect a forum to find a solution if you've ruled out everything yourself. What would you do in an emergency? That's probably what you'll have to do here. If you have no emergency plan at all then maybe it's time to think of one.

Hotcuppatea · 09/11/2021 15:45

I'm really struggling with why you expect a forum to find a solution if you've ruled out everything yourself. What would you do in an emergency? That's probably what you'll have to do here. If you have no emergency plan at all then maybe it's time to think of one.

100% this

bowlingalleyblues · 09/11/2021 15:46

If you’ve got family who have their own kids, and aren’t working on xmas eve could they have your children on Xmas eve as a one off? Or if you are a childcare profesional get someone you know whose nursery is closed that day (such as the nursery your son is going to) who could babysit. Not a random off the internet.

LIZS · 09/11/2021 15:48

If he is starting nursery before Christmas can they accommodate him for the extra days?

Original poster
Cherrytree1621 · 09/11/2021 15:49

@AcrossthePond55

You say you 'didn't want DH to change jobs'. Is that why you're making this so difficult and rejecting PP's reasonable suggestions? Because you resent his changing jobs? I'm not saying you may not have a good reason for your feelings, just that it isn't going to help in this situation. You may have to choose a 'less than your perfect option' but as long as the children aren't in actual danger that may be what you just have to suck up and do.

I'm a bit amused at people saying "DH just needs to tell his new employer he has pre-booked plans and has to have those days off". I know I'm not in the UK, but where I live that would be laughed at unless it had been specified and agreed to in the hiring agreement. I've known people to be told 'Sorry, Charlie' when they've booked non-refundable tickets without checking with the boss beforehand. One of my co-workers was famous for this in order to get Xmas week off.

Have you considered trying to ask two friends about taking one child each instead of asking one to take both? And offering to bring food for them and paying them something for their help?

I didn't want him to change jobs because he had set days off, worked till 4.30. Would mean 10 month old would only go to nursery 1 day a week instead of 3. I would do drop offs and he would've picked up. Now it's changed and I have to pick up which is more difficult as after school club isn't in the same school he goes to and then picking up our 10 month old. To then feed, bath and bed them. So yes maybe I do resent him for choosing to change jobs.
OP posts: