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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 09/11/2021 09:12

God I’d hate this. DP is a bit more outgoing than me and I’d never in a month of Sundays stop him going out nor would he ever stop me. This would be a complete deal breaker for me.

Hunderland · 09/11/2021 09:13

Fuck that - I'd be out every night. Without him.

purpleme12 · 09/11/2021 09:14

No I'd go out with the friend
But I do know people like this who take into account when their DH doesn't want them to go even if they hardly see the friend...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/11/2021 09:15

No he’s far to controlling and it’s not ok. You should definitely be able to see friends went you want to.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 09:15

He’s really out of order here. Why should you have to have him with you to see your own friend? That’s pretty controlling behaviour to me.

IhateBoswell · 09/11/2021 09:16

Ugh no. I used to ask my parents if I could go to meet a friend when I was a teenager, I wouldn't be asking my boyfriend if it was ok as an adult.

tipOver · 09/11/2021 09:17

He sounds controlling to me. Sure he lets you do some things like coffee with friends and going out when he's not there - but he shouldn't be "letting" you do anything. You've only been together for a year and presumably have no kids so it seems crazy to pull the "prioritise our family" line. Telling you he would've seen fireworks with you after you'd seen your friends sounds a bit like he's trying to punish you. Maybe I'm wrong, but in my experience it escalates from here. Good luck xx

AsymQuestion · 09/11/2021 09:17

YANBU, this is weird. It's one evening of one weekend of many. It sounds like you are together all the time and prioritise your family enough already. Any 'compromise' should be coming directly from you and no more at your end.

I would never dream of trying to control what my partner did when and how and insist I was involved in anything. You are very much still allowed to make your own plans. Then guilting you later about the fireworks, over one single night out - he sounds like a baby. A controlling one.

pinkblood · 09/11/2021 09:17

Do not stay in this weekend go to your friends. This is a big warning sign the longer your in a relationship with him will he always be so controlling or trying to emotionally blackmail you. It changes a nights dynamic when partners are there sometimes.

LadyDanburysHat · 09/11/2021 09:17

You've only been together a year and he is trying to control you. This is not a good sign.

MissAmbrosia · 09/11/2021 09:17

Absolutely you should go out. If he actually was planning something he should have told you and not just assumed.

AsymQuestion · 09/11/2021 09:18

**Any compromise should be coming directly from HIM

RiverSkater · 09/11/2021 09:19

He's controlling and to have every right to go out and see friends.

In fact, do more if it as this man is controlling.

You are not his family, you are just dating. I wouldn't be dating him much more after this. He should be prioritising his DSD the weekends she is with him.

Sally872 · 09/11/2021 09:22

Yanbu.

I love my dh but appreciate friendships are important too. Also we would never spend Fri, Sat and Sun together. Even if both home we aren't spending quality time together the whole weekend.

Best case it's a bit pathetic that he can't happily spend an evening without you. Otherwise he wants you to help with childcare or worse case he is controlling.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 09/11/2021 09:22

Weird and controlling.
My DH and i often go out separately and have discussed our plans to continue to do so when children are on the scene.
We believe its healthy to have outside interests amd operate independently as well as within our family unit
When we were dating we also very much did our own thing.

I wpuldnt be happy with this at all.

Arabelladrinkstea · 09/11/2021 09:23

He’s being controlling and possessive

IcedCoffeeAlways · 09/11/2021 09:24

@Onlyonemore You’re absolutely not in the wrong - and please don’t let him make you think that you are! If you want to go out with a friend you go out with a friend - you don’t need his permission.
At most when DH and I started living together I’d let him know I was going out on whatever night just so he knew whether to expect me home or not - but I’ve never asked his permission in 12 years.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/11/2021 09:24

If you normally spend every single weekend with him then I think it's a reasonable assumption from him that were spending this weekend with him so I think its polite to let him know your plans when you're making them rather than a done deal last minute. Me and my husband even pre kids would say something like 'I was planning to go out with friends sat night, we dont have any other plans do we?' Just to check we hadn't missed or forgotten anything.

Saying that, I do think his reaction is way over the top. Yes it might be a bit annoying for him if he thought he was spending the weekend with you and now has to make other plans. But you're allowed to go out, you havent made a pact to stay in every weekend, and the stuff about 'not being a team player' and 'not prioritising the family' is way OTT, its not like you've moved countries without telling him, you're seeing a friend for a few hours

Original poster
Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:26

I was thinking I wasn't doing anything wrong especially that he could have spent some quality time with DSD.
He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.

I like being independent and thought maybe I'm inconsiderate and really hurting him if that's what he says.

OP posts:
ParmigianoReggiano · 09/11/2021 09:26

He is being completely unreasonable and his 'compromise' doesn't sound like a compromise at all - just him deciding what you'll do!

Of course it would be different if you were out every weekend without him. But in the circumstances you describe, he's being an arse.

mumonthehill · 09/11/2021 09:27

You do not need permission to see friends or family. You might say, just letting you know I am out Saturday night. He should say, that’s great, have a fab time.

ChatterMonkey · 09/11/2021 09:27

I had an ex that would get annoyed if I made plans during the weekend when dsd was there. He made out that ir was an issue with me not prioritising dsd, and was not making an effort to build a relationship with her.

In reality, he wanted me there so I would look after her and he could play his PlayStation. He was manipulative in many othet ways, a lot of which i only realised after i was out of the relationship.

I think it would be worth having a real serious think about the relationship and whether its actually healthy and equal.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 09:27

He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.
He means you deciding to do what he wants.

Massive red flag here.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 09:28

Of course it would be different if you were out every weekend without him

Would it? Why is the op not allowed to decide to change her plans?

IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel · 09/11/2021 09:29

Nope! This does not bode well for the future, OP. If you give in to his ridiculous logic now, he'll only become more controlling.
He could consider it as an evening with his child, to enjoy doing something they would like, I'm sure his son would like to have his Dad to himself.
Personally, this would be a red flag, but it's up to you obviously.
Have fun with your friend and take note of how your DP behaves before you go and the days after.
If he needs a bit of reassurance that's one thing but what happens over this decision you make to go out or cancel is really important in my opinion.x

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