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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Cheerbear23 · 09/11/2021 09:51

Take this as a signal to become more independent, not run things past him snd see your friends more.
You don’t need to prioritise spending time as a family, as you’re not a family. I think he wants you to pitch in with childcare to let him off the hook and have an easier ride. Also personally I don’t like it when partners muscle in on friends nights out, it changes the whole dynamic. If he really wants to He can meet her at a different time, after you’ve had you’re night (hint - he won’t to do this, he wants to stop you from going on your own). Big Red Flag 🚩

Staryflight445 · 09/11/2021 09:51

The fact you’re even questioning this is a massive red flag.

Find someone else to be with. You don’t need a man who needs to be with you when you see your friends. Super controlling, what a prick.

Clymene · 09/11/2021 09:51

You're not a family. You're seeing a man with a daughter.

Big red flags

notacooldad · 09/11/2021 09:52

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?
Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day

Wow.
Never in 31 years has DH been cross that I've seen my friends at anytime.
Even when the kids were babies there was absolutely no issue around either of us going anywhere.
I make a point of asking if it's alright if I go out on Saturday ( for example) knowing full well it is but it's a hangover from when the kids were little to make sure he didn't have plans either. When I say it now he always says 'don't be so bloody stupid, why can't you go'. It's just a joke.
He always asks if I've had a nice time when I get back and also asks if I need a lift or anything.

Whats all this bullshit about not being a team player? Absolute crap. Also about compromises. He just wanted you there while his kids were about.
He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise. That's just nasty and he is trying to mess with your mind.

I would be furious if I was spoken to like that. I would have definitely gone and stay on alert for how he treats me and his expectations in the future.

If I was young I must admit I would be doubting myself but as I've got older and gained confidence and knowledge I would have no issue what's so ever in standing in front of him and saying 'how bloody dare you to tell me when I can and can not see my friends. We had no plans, none! '
I was going to say it's not like you left him alone as he had his kids but he is a fully grown adult and if you had left him alone so what. 🤷‍♀️

You like being independent , so carry on. You can have a healthy relationship and be independent. I've managed for 3 decades.

What is it recent, there's been a few threads about blokes not wanting their partner's to go out with their friends and women doubting themselves over it. Don't doubt yourself!

Marvellousmadness · 09/11/2021 09:53

Tell him to get fucked

frumpety · 09/11/2021 09:55

Could you send him some screenshots back about controlling behaviour ?

Go and see your friend, it sounds as though you might need them sooner rather than later.

Shoxfordian · 09/11/2021 09:55

So many red flags 🚩

Does he not want to look after his child alone? He sounds very controlling. Take this as your reason to move back out again- it won’t get better

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 09:55

Imagine your friend is the one whose partner is saying she should have asked his permission to meet you on her own. Her dh is sending her articles about making joint decisions in relationships. He’s guilt tripping her about meeting an old friend.

What would say to her?

Sprostongreen21 · 09/11/2021 10:00

Been together ten years and either had never had a problem with the other going out ins Weekend. Even when we didn’t live together and time together was more limited. Friends/family are important too. As is time apart.

CharityDingle · 09/11/2021 10:00

@Clymene

You're not a family. You're seeing a man with a daughter.

Big red flags

Exactly. Far too controlling, I would end the relationship.

LindaEllen · 09/11/2021 10:01

YANBU. Me and DP both ask each other about going out, ie 'Are you okay if I go out with x at the weekend?' but it's for politeness, neither of us would say no (unless there was another specific plan that they'd forgotten about).

The only reason I'd call off plans with a friend is if something else was going on, and he needed me there.

Iamhaunted · 09/11/2021 10:01

Massive red flags re his controlling behaviour and sending you random articles.

You make join decisions on houses, family cars, going out to see a friend when you don’t have plans with DP, your choice

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 09/11/2021 10:01

He is making it out as if my friend told me to jump and I'm asking how high, as if the friend asks to come over and I'm straight away available. But I was so happy to see her!

WHAT?! This is pure manipulation. How else does he think people make plans if the one being asked shouldn't 'make themselves available' solely so they're not asking 'how high'. I'm assuming he's expecting you to jump for him though?

You want to see your friend so go see your friend. If you don't want to split up with him then at the very least pay attention to his behaviour when you make your own plans. This won't be a one off, you'll start to see a pattern.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 09/11/2021 10:06

DH and I check with each other first but only because we have a baby to care for. Your partner is being controlling and weird.

ImUninsultable · 09/11/2021 10:06

Thank God his kid's mum got away from him. Now you need to do the same. He must have been very controlling if this is hiw he behaves after only a year. Demanding all decisions you make about your time must be discussed and agreed with him? After a year? No.

This isnt normal. This isnt the man to build your life with. End it. Dont get into a discussion with him about changing or working through it. Just end it, and never speak to him again. This isnt the man to spend your life with.

BiddyPop · 09/11/2021 10:08

Admittedly, I am married and living with DH rather than DPs and living apart. But both of us will go out solo on occasion - it tends to be midweek rather than weekends, just as that's what works for us. It is often to a lecture on a subject relevant to DD, as her taxi driver to multiple trainings or the odd social occasion she has, or to get some exercise, or that I have something to do in my voluntary role (Cub Scouts are very rewarding, but they are not "only an hour a week" ...)

DH has had a number of nights out recently as he was leaving 1 job after about 14 years there so a few different groups wanted to say farewell and numbers are still limited here on gatherings.

I used to go solo to the theatre a few times a year, and to the Concert Hall for musical concerts, as DH and DD are not so interested in those. And while the Dads in school don't tend to meet up, the Mums usually have dinner or drinks a couple of times a year and I go about 50% of the time to those.

We have had nights in the past where we have had a babysitter for DD because we were both going out but to different places. Our street is also relatively sociable - we generally meet in 1 of our houses and all bring a dish for dinner, but there have been a few nights where the guys have gone to the pub, the girls have gone out or stayed in for dinner without the guys, or we have all gone to a restaurant or a gig together. So DH or I might be going alone to 1 of those events, or as a couple (and generally with DD if in the street, but not if it's leaving the street).

You may be in a relationship, but that still means that you are an individual person with your own likes/dislikes, groups of friends, interests that may not be DP's interests etc.

So if you want to do something solo, as long as it does not interfere with plans which you have already made as a couple (which it did not sound like this plan had interfered with), then going out on your own is perfectly fine.

And having DSD there for the weekend is a red herring - he might be constrained by her presence (although there shouldn't be an issue with getting a babysitter if you had planned to go out together as long as he spends quality time with her the rest of contact), but that is not your responsibility. You are not even a DSM yet. Let alone a parent yourself.

Original poster

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 10:08

If it was a friend posting this I would say to her that she needs a life outside of the relationship and she is to go out especially that it is the first time and she will be setting precedent here.

I have told him that it would be toxic and sick to expect someone's attention 100% and to not want your partner to have a contact with others. To that he replied that he never has a problem when I want to see a friend during the week or when he is at work and that I'm going on a holiday soon without him and it wasn't an issue either.

I don't think it is childcare. He is a very hands on dad and there is no expectation of me to do any childcare.

I'm actually tempted to show him this post and let him read all the answers. Not sure if this is a good idea?

Thanks everyone xx you have confirmed what I was thinking and I'm not backing down an inch!

OP posts:

FluffyPersian · 09/11/2021 10:09

What are the 'ups and downs' you alluded to over the last few months? You don't need to state explicitly, but could it be that you're not downtrodden and still too independent for his liking so there have been arguments?

It sounds like right now, you're posting this as you can tell something isn't quite right (it's not, he's controlling) so please try and keep these boundaries in place and not pacify him by staying in and doing what HE wants.

It's healthy to spend time with your friends - even if that means at the weekend - and no, you're not 'a family'. He's your boyfriend and his wording is concerning.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 10:10

I'm actually tempted to show him this post and let him read all the answers. Not sure if this is a good idea?

Why do you think he’d listen to random strangers on the internet? Don’t you think he’d just be pissed off you were posting about your personal business online?

ChatterMonkey · 09/11/2021 10:12

Ahh such red flags, especially the faux 'concern' that the friend is takibg advantage of you, that you are reacting to her 'demands'

So hes going to frame it that hes looking out for you, that the friend doesnt value you, when its really him thats the absolute raging asshole.

Reminds me so much of my ex, im soo much happier out of the relationship, please give it some thought op ❤

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 10:13

I don't think it is childcare. He is a very hands on dad and there is no expectation of me to do any childcare.

So it’s just that he wants to be the one deciding what you’re doing with your time off on the weekend. Is that better or worse?

BaggyBloomers · 09/11/2021 10:14

Errrr no you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I didn't ever have to ask my 'husband' for permission to go out, and neither did he have to ask for mine.
To me this behaviour would be an instant red flag with a bloody great neon sign saying "this is not right"!

ILoveShula · 09/11/2021 10:15

'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family'
Do you have children of your own. After only a year, you are a couple not a family and you have moved in together a bit quickly.

He sounds controlling. I'd walk away.

Throwntothewolves · 09/11/2021 10:16

This is how the controlling behaviour begins. He presents his argument as to why you shouldn't go, you think he may have a tiny point and feel like you've been a little inconsiderate (you've actually been the opposite from what you say) you don't go out, he's happy and nice to you, you think you've done the right thing. But next time it's much easier for him to tell you that you can't go out, and before you know it visiting family, or going to the work christmas do, or eventually even going to work are all off limits.

You are not unreasonable to go out, so do it. Then he knows where you both stand on what should be a non-issue. If he doesn't like it, tries to 'punish' or make you feel guilty, seriously reconsider the relationship.
He's showing you who he is, so show him who you are.

TatianaBis · 09/11/2021 10:16

I’d be walking personally. None of this is normal.

What are the other ups and downs?

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