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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 10:18

*I don't think it is childcare. He is a very hands on dad and there is no expectation of me to do any childcare.

So it’s just that he wants to be the one deciding what you’re doing with your time off on the weekend. Is that better or worse?*

Neither. It still shitty having someone telling you what to do and feeling they are entitled to do it

OP posts:

NotExactlyOptimistic · 09/11/2021 10:18

"As a family" after a YEAR?? Fuck that!! 🏃‍♀️

Fireflygal · 09/11/2021 10:18

I'm actually tempted to show him this post and let him read all the answers. Not sure if this is a good idea?

Bad, bad idea as he will read responses and use those against you.

The fact you are posting on a site and feel the need to validate your feelings for a boyfriend who you are dating is red flags

DukkaDukka · 09/11/2021 10:19

This is a short relationship which already has problems. You are not family: you are two adults who are dating. His daughter is not your "DSD": she is your boyfriend's daughter. How can he possibly think that you are family?

This!!!

No, never let him read what you've posted. It won’t go how you want it to and this needs to be a safe space.

Seeing friends is normal and healthy and shouldn’t be a problem, ever. Massive red flag.

RantyAunty · 09/11/2021 10:19

You mentioned issues over the past few months? What type of issues?

I take it you don't live together. He needs to be reminded you're not family. He's just someone you're dating.

He sounds controlling.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 10:21

Neither. It still shitty having someone telling you what to do and feeling they are entitled to do it

But you seem to be willing to stay with someone who behaves like that.

Skeumorph · 09/11/2021 10:21

I wouldn't show him the post.

I would definitely dump him.

I think my next question would be, what do you mean 'prioritise us as a family? - we are NOT a family, YOU have responsibility for your DD and I have a relationship of equals with you. I don't intend to 'prioritise' the needs of you+your child over my own schedule and any assumption that I will need to check with you what The Family are doing (i.e. basically your child and therefore your family) will be a big fat no. What do you mean by family? When did you start getting to the point of seeing us as a 'group' with, presumably, you as the parent in the driving seat? That isn't what this is. The balancing here is all yours to do - you the parent, you the partner.

I don't think he'll like that line being drawn. Draw it, for his own benefit, then dump him.

Wisewordswouldhelp · 09/11/2021 10:22

Totally controlling and manipulative. Get out now. This is a huge red flag!

bucketsoflove · 09/11/2021 10:22

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
🏃‍♀️ and don't look back

AdoraBell · 09/11/2021 10:25

Haven’t RTFT, just the OP’s posts.

Sorry If I’ve missed something.

YANBU OP and as others have said it sounds like control and coercion. I would walk away rather than trying to explain your point of view. He will wear you down and make you to agree to all of his rules etc.

Get rid and block him.

supremelybaffled · 09/11/2021 10:26

He has been sending me screenshots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.

Examples of joint decisions where compromises might need to be made:

Spending thousands of joint money on home improvements or a new car.

Working out when you can go on holiday depending on work commitments and when time off can be arranged at the same time.

Deciding to have a baby or childcare arrangements.

Moving house.

Resigning or changing jobs if it will have a big impact on family finances.

Whether you both go to see film A or film B at the cinema, or which takeaway to order, because the other person chose last time.

They are all decisions which affect both people in a relationship. Going out for the evening to meet a friend you haven't seen in a year is not one of them.

Skeumorph · 09/11/2021 10:28

shitty having someone telling you what to do and feeling they are entitled to do it

Exactly. And for those that might say, well, talk to him, sort it - no.

The fact is the entitlement. A decent man would not think that way. It's ludicrous - controlling, bossy, entitled.

When you get the warning that this is what a person is like - see it for what it is - what HE is - and walk away. This is him.

You say he doesn't ask for childcare etc... it's not as simple as that. It's more a hint at how he sees, overall, the entire relationship. He doesn't see you as two equal partners. He sees you as a woman who has come into his steup - as he is a parent - and even subconsciously, there is a total assumption that you will automatically somehow come second - he will be the one with Responsibilities, and Things On, and Schedules, and Pick Ups and Drop Offs and it goes without saying that these are the main things and you will fit around them.

Nope!

This is how he thinks and this is your warning.

At some level, he's just furious and incredulous that, on a Saturday night, he The Man will be in looking after a child and you The Woman will be out having fun with friends. Because he has a child, you must now also be constrained to the same extent.

Nope!!

Wiredforsound · 09/11/2021 10:28

My DP would never ask me not to go out with my friends. It wouldn’t even cross his mind that it was possible to do so. It would be different if I said ‘I’m going out with Joanne on Saturday’ and he said, ‘Ahh, I’ve booked a surprise trip to Paris this weekend’. That would be the only time it was acceptable.

MamDancer · 09/11/2021 10:28

Once you start pandering to his ridiculous whims, it's game over for your autonomy to do anything he doesn't agree with.

Windintrees · 09/11/2021 10:29

Why is his daughter staying at your place during his access? Does he have space at his own house or not? Do you alternate staying at his home or is it always at yours? That would influence any opinions I’d offer.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 09/11/2021 10:30

What a weird little twat.

Fuck him off

MamDancer · 09/11/2021 10:33

What a weird little twat.

Weird and actually dangerous to OP's future well being.

darklamps · 09/11/2021 10:34

Massive red flags OP. Way too controlling and weird.
I've been married 10 years, we have 3kids...I have organised 3 sets of plans with different friends in the last week - not once have I checked before doing so. I do check the diary and make sure there's no reason it could be an issue with childcare etc, I do then notify him ASAP I've made plans as a curtesy and to check I haven't forgotten anything. I put it in my diary (we both can view each other's diaries).
As long as we communicate plans neither of us have an issue making plans independently. Tbh we'd never go out if we didn't do stuff separately as we always have 3 kids and they are high maintenance ones!

Throckmorton · 09/11/2021 10:37

Run for the hills - if he's this controlling a year in, imagine how much worse he will get with time

Summersnake · 09/11/2021 10:38

Wtf
Run …

Sparkletastic · 09/11/2021 10:39

You are only allowed a social life when he doesn't require your presence. I couldn't tolerate a partner seeking to control me like this. You are your own woman and don't need to involve him in every decision about your free time.

DysmalRadius · 09/11/2021 10:40

To that he replied that he never has a problem when I want to see a friend during the week or when he is at work and that I'm going on a holiday soon without him and it wasn't an issue either.

The fact that he even felt the need to bring up his generosity in not having a problem if you want to see friends while HE'S AT WORK is so concerning. He's acting as though he is doing you a favour by not trying to control your arrangements when is he working, so he really does consider his free time to mean instant access to you as and when he decides. Please don't settle for this.

Fireflygal · 09/11/2021 10:40

@Onlyonemore, I realise that I ignored similar red flags with Ex who became highly controlling. I wish MN existed then.

Just step back and see the situation - he is trying to force you to spend time with his daughter to create the illusion of family. It's his vision that must dominate. Reality is controlling people are easily slighted and to avoid feeling negative emotions they must control those around them.
I imagine the ups & downs are where you have been asserting yourself, acting independently and he isn't happy with it.

What does he say about his Ex's behaviour and why their relationship ended?

abricotine · 09/11/2021 10:42

Nasty bit of work. "Relationships are about joint decisions and compromise" is seemingly mild sounding and reasonable but he is trying to gaslight you into thinking it would be reasonable to drop everything and let him control your plans instead. Forget that.

Shouldershrugger · 09/11/2021 10:42

Omg. I've been married for 10 yrs and together for 14. I go out with my friends on my own. Your dp needs to relax and you need to nip that bs straight away. Sorry but thats a red flag for me

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