Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 09/11/2021 10:43

Op, I'm not being overly dramatic but one of the hallmarks of an abuser is that if the victim won't toe the line, the abuser starts to suggest it's because they're under someone else's control. It's one of the ways in which older partners are able to manipulate younger ones (usually girls)... "God your parents are so strict, they don't understand, they don't know what's best for you, you can make your own choices, are you always going to do what your mummy tells you to do?" Etc etc. I'm not saying he's an abuser, yet. Just something to think about.

If I was being cynical I'd also say that the holiday is being stored up as a get out of jail free card... "How can I be that bad when I let you go on holiday without me?" The allowing you to go out during the week or when he's at work is similar - it's control disguised as reasonableness. It seems that you've accepted that as a baseline, and now you're trying to push against it, he's claiming that you're in the wrong because this isn't what you've agreed. But that baseline was flawed in the first place.

DH and I do ask each other if we can go out but it's a polite turn of phrase; we're really just saying "I'm going out, are you available to look after the DC or do I need to get a babysitter?" I could imagine some limited scenarios where DH might ask me to stay in, for example: he's already booked a surprise outing/event for us, or maybe if DC is too ill to be left with a babysitter and DH already has plans... But it would be rare, and he would be very apologetic!

You're not a family, and he's trying to control you.

MattHancocksSexTape · 09/11/2021 10:43

Are you now feeling guilty because you didn’t choose him and the family? You shouldn’t be. He has no right to dictate your life.

I’d be giving him a wide birth for a week, see how he reacts then.

scarpa · 09/11/2021 10:44

This isn't alright, at all. Of course you can go out with your friends - literally every weekend, if you wanted to. If you hadn't seen him in 6 months and you spent the first night you could see him out, maybe he'd have room to be annoyed, but this is at best overly dependent (and at worst, given his screenshots etc, very controlling).

ferrypenguin · 09/11/2021 10:45

Two almost identical threads running so an identical comment from me.

You're an adult and he's not your dad. He does not get to allow some outings and veto others.

He's trying to control you. Don't let him. Get rid

TheDogsMother · 09/11/2021 10:50

This will only get worse OP.

TravelLost · 09/11/2021 10:52

the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'.

Actually I’d agree with that sorry.

As a family, it’s pretty normal to check of the other partner is ok with that or has plans or whatever.

I have an H who is very much like ‘I’m making my own plans and will just let you know what they are’ and it’s a real pain in the arse. It’s always assuming I will be there to pick up the pieces with the dcs. It’s assuming I don’t have anything else planned and that my views are never as important as his.

Now his ‘compromise’ was shit I have to say. But partnership includes talking to the other person and checking with them, out of politeness, rather than stating stuff as a ‘fait acoompli’

UmbrellaDrops · 09/11/2021 11:00

Eurgh controlling partner, go out without him permanently and don't look back!

Practicebeingpatient · 09/11/2021 11:01

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

Manipulative bollocks! If that was the truth he would have said so at the time and given you the choice. He has realised you are becoming aware of his attempts to control and isolate you and made that up.

None of this is OK. I'm much older than you. I've been married 35 years. I frequently go out without DH and vice versa. We will normally check with one another that there isn't some pre-arranged event that we might have forgotten about for a particular date and that's as far as clearing it with one another goes.

I'm glad you have spotted this red flag. If I were you I'd end it now and find someone without these issues.

Original poster
Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 11:01

No I don't feel guilty, I had a fab time on Sat and would do that again.
But I see now why he wouldn't want that. Because he was trying to sell it as 'I care about you', 'we are a team' and you didn't act this way.
I need to think about it all what am I going to do. I will not be sacrificing independence for a man.

Will give you examples of ups and downs at lunch time (at work now between meetings)

We don't live together and we spend time at his when his DD is around. Other times is like a half half

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 11:01

I have an H who is very much like ‘I’m making my own plans and will just let you know what they are’ and it’s a real pain in the arse. It’s always assuming I will be there to pick up the pieces with the dcs. It’s assuming I don’t have anything else planned and that my views are never as important as his.

That’s totally different. The op and her boyfriend don’t have children.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 11:03

Pressed post by accident. They aren’t married. They don’t live together.

At that stage of the relationship, should she be negotiating a night out with a friend?

tipOver · 09/11/2021 11:09

@TravelLost Your husband sounds inconsiderate, but this scenario is totally different. OP and her partner don't have children together, so by going out she's not dumping any responsibility on him. He just wants to be able to control what she does.

Skeumorph · 09/11/2021 11:12

Doesn't he want one on one time with his DD? She needs that... presumably you've only been in the picture for her for a short time if you've been together a year? (Or, you should have been! - unless he introduced you straight away?!)

This is the key thing really to watch for with men with children. Even the 'great dads' who enjoy having their kids, are responsible and capable... they find it almost impossible to not instinctively move to try and re-create a situation they see as default - where, if a female is in the picture, she must be plopped into the position of 'carer'.

You are still pretty new as a relationship and already this is happening - this expectation that you are somehow automatically in the role of handmaiden to some nebulous concept of 'family'.... with a child who is absolutely nothing to do with you. If it were the other way around, can you imagine how ludicrous it would be if a woman went nuts at her boyfriend of a year for going out with his friends because he should be prioritising 'the family'? It would never happen though, as there's no way he would be seen as having that kind of default responsibility to be standing by, another adult, taking on the responsibility of simply being there because there are kids involved.

MangoIce · 09/11/2021 11:14

@Onlyonemore

I was thinking I wasn't doing anything wrong especially that he could have spent some quality time with DSD. He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.

I like being independent and thought maybe I'm inconsiderate and really hurting him if that's what he says.

RED FLAG RED FLAG 🚩
NewlyGranny · 09/11/2021 11:17

He sounds confused about the difference between compromise and control. This is not a relationship you want to be in, OP. It's not going to a good place.

Lasair · 09/11/2021 11:17

What the actual Fuck?

He wants you to do the leg work with DSD. You should be able to go out anytime you want. It sounds like you’re a considerate gf. He should want you to have fun. Red flag 🚩 🚩

BogRollBOGOF · 09/11/2021 11:17

Big red flags, and this is about control and his emotions not logistics.

I did unusually have to veto DH going to the gym at the weekend and he had to find another timeslot the next day which was fine, it was purely the logistics that unusually, I was babysitting for friends and someone needed to be home with our DCs (wasn't practical to take ours).

Emotional demands and guilting about "family time" in a 1yo relationship where you don't live together is a totally different situation.

Also if you've been together a year, it's not been a normal year to get the full measure of someone. Social opportunities were very thin on the ground for the first 6m or so and many social lives are only recently normalising. A 1yo relationship has less life experience behind it than usual.

The problem is this starts fairly minor and compromises (one-way of course) aren't too tough to swallow, but it progresses like a frog in boiling water. Now is a simple, uncomplicated time to make the break.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/11/2021 11:18

He is a sulking controller, major red flag imo.
I'd dump him for his immaturity and manipulation tactics, extreme maybe but I've been there.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/11/2021 11:18

He's a controlling arsewipe. Sorry.

He's talking about 'compromise' to mean 'you can never have what you want, because I say so'. Rather than what it actually means, which is that when you each have competing demands or desires for the same package of time, a discussion is required (which might result in one person's plan or the other going ahead on this occasion, or maybe a way of squeezing in both).

When there are no competing demands there is no need to compromise. He is telling you that you has a desire to have you with him at all times, so anything you want to do for yourself, when he's around, necessitates compromise. Do you want to be his shadow puppet? No? Then the compromise for a happy life together, is that he drops that idea and accepts that you have some social time together, some apart.

The 'I wanted us to see fireworks' line is bullshit. It's a card he's pulled out of his back pocket to seek to control you. If it wasn't, he'd recognise he'd been a silly billy for not mentioning it in advance, so you didn't know he had this idea in mind. He'd recognise that next time, he needs to voice his ideas out loud, in advance and discuss them with you. (Maybe you wanted to go to fireworks, maybe you didn't. Maybe you really wouldn't have enjoyed having that 'plan' foisted on you at the last minute, when you'd been looking forward to sitting home watching Strictly, for example).

He is telling you now whether this is him being controlling, or just forgetting to tell you about his fireworks idea - if he cross with you it's control, cross with himself and it was an honest mistake.

More generally: If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

The situation wouldn't arise because I'd only have accepted the invitation if we didn't have plans, or a particular need to spend time together. He wouldn't attempt to veto my plans because, well, he doesn't have a veto.

Lovelymincepies · 09/11/2021 11:18

Red flag alert all over this.

LadyJaye · 09/11/2021 11:19

The only person who gets '100% of my time' is me - not my other half, (with whom I've been for almost 20 years), not my friends, not my family, not my employer. My time belongs to me and I organise it as I see fit.

As with other PPs, the thing that really jumps out to me (and gives me the squicks) is this 'we're a family' thing - I know quite a few single parents who would be wary of even introducing their children to a new partner less than a year in, much less have them around during contact time and referring to them as 'family'.

I'm sure your boyfriend's daughter is very nice, but please be very careful of this relationship, especially as, TBH, I think you should be getting rid of the boyfriend sooner rather than later.

Shouldershrugger · 09/11/2021 11:20

@purpledaisies Dont hijack the thread and in the least, rtft fgs. You gotta get your own thread 😂

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/11/2021 11:20

@LadyDanburysHat

You've only been together a year and he is trying to control you. This is not a good sign.
This.

Nip it in the bud and go out.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 11:22

[quote Shouldershrugger]@purpledaisies Dont hijack the thread and in the least, rtft fgs. You gotta get your own thread 😂[/quote]
What? I’ve read the thread. What’s your issue with what I posted?

ravenmum · 09/11/2021 11:22

we had some ups and downs over the last few months
So for a good chunk of your entire relationship, which is only 3 days a week, you've encountered problems.

I didn't prioritise us as a family
You're not a family.

would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?
We see each other as often as you do, and he has never said this in the 5 years we have been together. Whenever I have said I'm going out with friends, he's been pleased as he likes me to be in a good mood - not just for my sake; because me being happy benefits our relationship. He knows what side his bread is buttered on.