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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:
blacksax · 09/11/2021 18:34

@Onlyonemore

He says he has left ex because they argued a lot, she was shouting and crying to the point where he was embarrassed as half of the street knew when something wasn't right because she was so loud. She relied on him for everything and he said it wore him down. He doesn't talk badly about her and overall they have an ok relationship now I would say. I have witnessed a few arguments on the phone and she can be unpredictable, demanding him to answer the phone straight away and hell breaks loose if he doesn't.

I have never seen him aggressive and even if he gets angry he sort of keeps it in himself, no shouting, not even a raised voice. I have always seen him as a balanced person in that sense.

You might never have heard him shout at her on the phone, but I can't help wondering what he's like when you're not there.
aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 18:41

She relied on him for everything and he said it wore him down.

Hopefully he can appreciate the irony of your position, then!

Suzanne999 · 09/11/2021 19:01

No, YNBU, he is.
“His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day. “. Red flags waving all over it. The beginnings of controlling behaviour.

Fireflygal · 09/11/2021 21:54

She relied on him for everything and he said it wore him down

Funny that! He wants you to be joined at the hip and then might end up resenting you. What did they argue about?

Original poster
Onlyonemore · 10/11/2021 10:17

I don't know what they argued about. I've asked but he has brushed it off saying what the point to talk about it if it was in the past and not relevant to us.

OP posts:
BornInAThunderstorm · 10/11/2021 10:34

Crikey. So many red flags it’s like VE Day bunting.

Throckmorton · 11/11/2021 19:31

What an abusive bastard he is. Now you've seen the signs, run!

lifesgoodwithlg · 11/11/2021 20:58

I am sorry you are going through such crap but lucky escape, what he is just shown you is do exactly as I say or suffer the conferences wouldn't wish that on relationship on my worst enemy. Virtual FlowersCakeWine from me to you. RUN

Chloemol · 11/11/2021 22:26

I would tell him to go away I am meeting my friend

He has his child with him. He focuses on the child

Nietzschethehiker · 11/11/2021 22:29

You haven't got it wrong , he just hid that behaviour.

In terms of his ex , possibly she is difficult but possibly she is exhibiting reactive abuse. It's not unusual to see the original abuser, especially when it's psychological abuse, seem to be very calm and reasonable while the victim rages and reacts. In fact what you are seeing is a historic build up of controlling and gaslighting that has messed with someone's head so badly they mirror past behaviours done to them and react. It can often be set up by the abuser as a particularly nasty form of gaslighting where they seem to be the difficult one. It's a depressingly clever and common technique in abuse and a sadly effective one at discrediting their story.

Massive red flags as others have said. The only time I could see his argument is for example you hadn't seen each other in weeks and it was the first chance to see each other (I know the original issue has been and gone but in theory) but even then a brief "Any chance you could do that another night I was hoping to spend time with you" would be fine. His behaviour? Hell no.

Run as fast as you can.

DirtyDancing · 12/11/2021 12:53

Going out to meet a friend should be a non issue. It shouldn't be a battle.

The only red flag you need to know is he has made it into both- a battle and an issue. That's sub normal and controlling behaviour. There will be more to come.

Bumblenums1234 · 12/11/2021 13:00

For a bit of background here, my dp works till 10 every weekday evening. I am exhausted by 9 so am normally already asleep when he gets home.

If I get asked out at the weekend and we have no plans, I check he is OK to stay in with DS (as he does with me to make sure we don't both plan stuff) and then I go. One weekend out of many makes no difference, despite that we don't see each other in the week.

I would be calling time on this relationship, I couldn't be controlled like this.

Subbaxeo · 12/11/2021 13:08

If he said something like he loves your weekends together and they’re precious to him, I would’ve reconsidered. But lecturing me about family time and sending screenshots of relationship advice- just, no.if he’s like this after a short time together, what will he be like in 5 years?

Bookworm20 · 12/11/2021 14:01

This is crazy. The only time I could think where he might have an issue would be if you had made specific plans with him for something he was looking forward to (not just hanging out at his) and then blew him off to see friend. But you didn't have plans! I don't understand why he has such an issue with it!

I agree. hes been on best behaviour the past year, now he thinks you're hooked hes testing your boundaries.

And as for the ignoring you and going to bed at 8pm. If his time with you is so precious, why do that!

I think you need to trust your instincts here. This isn't going to get better if he can't understand a simple thing like you want to have a few drinks with your friend. Not like you're going out every weekend getting bladdered is it!

Original poster
Onlyonemore · 12/11/2021 14:37

Thanks!

I've stood my ground. He sent a txt saying how hurt he is with the fact that I don't care about his feelings and that I haven't replied to his screenshots, he is doing that whilst being super nice and lovely. He apologised for ignoring me on Fri. Then he said he has done a research to make sure he is right on the decision making in the future. (The screenshots were a result of his research)

I have told him on Tuesday we need to speak face to face. He conviniently ignored that bit and has been texting about how hurt he is. To my mind this shows that

  1. He wants to dictate when we spend time together
  2. He withdraws contact to keep me waiting
  3. He is trying to play games
  4. He avoids face to face contact because replying to texts gives him more time to think and he can ignore what he wants

No chance. Radio silence from me since Tuesday, until he comes here apologising and then he is going to get dumped. I hope he won't convince me to not to do it!

Radio silence but he has still managed to send me a pic of his d#ck this morning saying good morning. I've seen it coming but haven't opened it on whatsapp and he has managed to delete it now.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 12/11/2021 14:41

This is unbelievable!!! Gosh he sounds awful!!!!!!! The pic of his groin in this context....

I'm so happy you are breaking up with him....and please stamp him with a "not suitable for any decent woman" message on his forehead so he never gets the chance to strop and manipulate with any of us!

BackBackBack · 12/11/2021 14:53

OP, do you have to see him face to face? If you can avoid doing so then I would. Dump him by text and then block.

Skeumorph · 12/11/2021 14:57

I'd be so tempted to do a bit of photoshopping and send back your own pic of said dick.... with it attached to his forehead.

supremelybaffled · 12/11/2021 15:17

What a monumental twat. Complaining that you don't care about his feelings when he clearly doesn't give a jot about yours. Do you have any belongings at his place that you want to get back? If not, then just dump him right now.

Iloveacurry · 12/11/2021 15:43

He’s being a controlling twat! Go out with your friend.

tallduckandhandsome · 12/11/2021 16:25

Radio silence but he has still managed to send me a pic of his d#ck this morning saying good morning. I've seen it coming but haven't opened it on whatsapp and he has managed to delete it now.

The dick pic is a ‘fuck you’ for daring to ignore his ‘research’.

Please dump him, you don’t even need to see him, just do it via text.

TMChappyascanbe · 12/11/2021 16:58

Why on earth do you want to see him face to face? Confused

Block/delete/move on.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/11/2021 17:11

Well, so long as he believes he's right!!!

Whether 'his' decision-making is acceptable to you, or, heaven forbid, done jointly with you, is clearly irrelevant!

Cherrysoup · 12/11/2021 17:29

Dear Lord, I just can’t get over him sending you articles about making joint decisions, wtf? On big things, like where to live, but not going out with a mate on the weekend. Bonkers. And he sulks! Bonus man child controlling behaviour. And sends dick pics, cos we all love those, not!

BornInAThunderstorm · 12/11/2021 22:56

He sent a picture of his dick? Insane.

Please just dump him over the phone OP, save yourself the trouble of waiting and dealing with his manipulation in person

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